tw: self-harm, suicide, death

"Kayo po ang cumontact Ma'am? Nasaan po ang katawan?" 

I pointed at my sister's body covered in white cloth. I already contacted a funeral service to get her while I was still mourning. I knew I had to take her out of the hospital, and I also had to process her death certificate all by myself. 

Death certificate. It hurt so much to hear those words. My parents were already informed about what happened to Naomi, but they hadn't replied yet. I couldn't contact anyone. I didn't know how to. I didn't know what to say. 

I had to process the documents while mourning. When I arrived at the funeral home, they asked me to choose the casket for my sister, which broke me. I couldn't take it anymore. I fell on my knees and cried again in a quiet room full of caskets of different colors. I couldn't choose one. I couldn't... if it was for my sister. I can't accept it. 

"I'm sorry. I'll just make a call." I forced myself to stand up and wipe my tears. The funeral home staff nodded, so I went out of the room to get my phone. I looked at the time and assumed that Clyden was still on duty, so I called someone else instead. 

[Hindi mo na kaya?] she asked as soon as she answered the call. 

"Yanna..." I covered my mouth to stifle a sob when I cried again. Sobrang bigat sa dibdib ng lahat ng nangyayari. I couldn't take it anymore. It was the first time I said that I couldn't take it anymore. Palagi kong kinakaya lahat, pero hindi ito. This was already too much for me. I lost everyone, including myself. 

[Nasaan ka? Pupuntahan kita.] seryosong tanong niya. 

I told her the address of the funeral home before ending the call. I couldn't choose the casket by myself yet, so I stayed outside the room and just forced myself to stop crying. I waited for Yanna while they were asking me where and when I would hold the burial for my sister. I couldn't even give them a concrete answer yet. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin tanggap. I wished that all of it was a long dream. I wanted to wake up from this. 

"Sam!" I stood up when I heard Yanna's voice. She was running to me in her uniform as she went straight from her class. As soon as I saw her, I started crying again. "Shush," she whispered while hugging me. 

I still felt like shit, but being held and having someone to lean into made me feel a little better. I cried on her chest again while she was talking to the staff. She was the one who handled the documents while I was beside her, still crying. 

"I want her buried immediately." That was what I decided on. 

I didn't want to see the people who made it harder for her to live in this cruel world. Holding a funeral for her would just make me more devastated. I wanted to cremate her body, but I figured that Naomi would want to be buried beside her mother. 

"Her favorite color is yellow," I said as my tears started to fall again. Sobrang sakit na ng mata ko. Pagod na pagod na 'kong umiyak. "Gold is the closest color. I'll go with that." 

I didn't care about how much it would cost me anymore. I was willing to spend all my savings because I would never let my parents pay for her death. It was like compensating for all the shit they put her through. I will hold the burial by myself, and I won't invite anyone else. Naomi wouldn't want the public to know. Everyone talked about her mom's death. I didn't want them to talk about hers, too.

"Dadalhin na lang nila 'yong katawan sa sementeryo," Yanna told me. "Asikasuhin na natin kung saan siya ililibing." 

I had to buy the spot next to her mom. Good thing they processed it quickly. Tomorrow afternoon would be her burial. 

"Did you just cut your classes?" I asked Yanna while we were walking at the cemetery. Having someone to talk to made it less painful for me. I was able to distract myself. 

"Lecture lang." She shrugged. 

Up until now, hindi pa rin tinatanong ni Yanna kung ano ang nangyari. It was like she knew she couldn't force it out of me. Maybe she thought that I didn't want to talk about it, so she was purposely trying to avoid the topic, but with all of her help, I felt like she deserved to know. 

"She..." I stopped talking when my voice broke again. I covered my face again when I started crying. "I knew her mental health was bad... And she was... willing to heal... She was getting treated... She was seeking professional help... But... At some point, she just..." 

"I'm sorry," she whispered, squeezing my hand. 

I tried to wipe my tears again. Pakiramdam ko masusugat na ang mga mata ko kakapunas ko ng luha ko. I wanted to look at it in a different perspective but I really can't stop blaming myself for not trying harder... There were so many what if's going on inside my head. Kaunti na lang, mababaliw na ako. 

I had to drive her back to Katipunan before I went back home. I couldn't accept that she was just here yesterday. To think that I left her to attend a shoot. To think that that was the last time I would see her alive. Why must it hurt like this? 

I went upstairs to see if she left some of her clothes in the closet, but when I opened it, I saw the white dress she was wearing when she first came into this house. It was hung there like she wanted me to see it so she could wear it at her burial. I cried again as my hands started to shake. I held on to the dress. Her scent was still there. I could still feel her around like she... like she was alive. 

My lips parted when I saw a note attached to it. My cries went even louder after reading it. 

'I would look good in this :)' 

It took me a lot of time to process everything. I sat down on the bed. She cleaned my old room and even fixed the bed before she left. I was imagining her in this room, hurting all night while I slept peacefully in the other room. I should have slept right here. With her. Maybe that would become less painful for her. Or would it really be? 

Kinuha ko 'yong camera sa side table. It was the one I gave her on her birthday. She left it right here, and I felt like I needed to open it, so I did. My lips parted when I saw the photos she had left on the camera. Those were her last days. She took pictures of the dogs, of me, and of Clyden, who just came home from his duty. She also took pictures of the cupcakes we made. 

The other photos were taken on different dates. I inhaled a sharp breath. The lump in my throat started to get bigger when I saw myself. My photos. All of them were me, smiling. Some were stolen, and some were from the shoots. 

Kinuha ko ang laptop ko at nilagay ang memory card for me to see everything in there. I cried even harder when I saw some old pictures. She had been capturing my smiles, my laughs, even when we weren't close yet. Even during the times when she used to push me away. I saw a smiling photo of me in Regis when we saw each other. It was the one from her old camera. That was the time when my block mates thought that she was taking pictures of them. 

It was me. She was taking a photo of me. Our photos from New Year were also there. We had a picture when I suddenly hugged her, and she looked at me with a surprised expression. Her lips were parted, and her eyes were wide. 

There were also photos from the charity event. I saw pictures of the children. All of them were smiling, laughing. She even took a selfie with them. My laptop got wet with my tears. I held Naomi's face with my hand through the screen, like she was real. Like she was still here. 

"You shine so brightly," I whispered. 

There were a lot of photos on the card, but there was only one video. I got curious, so I clicked on it. Napakunot ang noo ko nang makita ko ang background ng room ko. She filmed this here. She filmed this on the night when I took her with me. She was wearing the same thing. 

She fixed the camera and sat on my bed, smiling, but her smile faded again when she noticed that something was wrong. She adjusted the camera again and sat on the bed, now ready to talk. I didn't know if I was ready to hear what she was about to say, so I paused the video to calm myself. 

When I played it again, tears started running down my face. She was fixing her hair and trying to look good for the camera. 

"Hi!" she greeted me. She even waved her hand cutely. "Well, how do I start this? Uh, if you're watching this, I'm probably... Uh, nevermind... Hi, Sam!"

My lips trembled when she said my name. The video was for me. She filmed this for me specifically. She left the camera so I would see the video. Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko. The sound of her voice made me cry even harder. I missed her. I missed her sound. 

"Of course, this video is for you, dummy." She laughed. "So I'm here to ask you if you have already improved your walk." 

I tried to wipe my tears away so I would be able to see clearly. I was crying, but she made me laugh a bit with the mention of my walk. Memories of her practicing my walk with me played inside my head. 

"Uh, I don't know how it would sound less... painful for you." Her voice suddenly changed from being playful to being lonely. "Hey, if ever you're crying right now, stop it, or you won't be able to focus on what I'm about to say! So... Okay..." She coughed and looked up. I saw the tears in her eyes that she was trying to stop from falling. 

She told me to stop crying like it was that easy for me after losing her. She made it sound like I could just accept everything in one go. Naomi... Why do you have to make me feel like this? All of it hurt. Everything. 

"I'm sorry I pushed you away a lot of times when all you wanted was to save me. I didn't really want to push you away and hurt you, but I was afraid that being with me would be even more painful for you because, up until now, the death of my mom still lives inside. The guilt from it. I have... or had... been living my life with nothing but pain. I was in the darkness for a long time. A lot of times, I compared myself to you. Actually, I envied you. I wanted to have everything you had. I always thought that you were so lucky because you had everything. That was why I was mad at you." 

I knew that already. I already understood her reason even without her telling it to me like this. Kung ganito niya lang din naman gustong ipaalam, sana hindi ko na lang nalaman. 

"I was such a lonely kid. I had been suffering for so many years now until... Until that day. You were so persistent that I had to let you in, but you know what? You made me so happy." Her voice broke, and she looked down to hide her face. She wiped her tears before looking at the camera again. "You made me so happy. You made me explore many things. You helped me heal. You never left my side. You were there for me when no one else was. You became my mother figure, and I couldn't thank you enough for that. You were... my hope. You gave me hope." 

Just by knowing how much she appreciated everything I did, the guilt slowly started to go away. I remembered our happy times. Our baking moments. The moments when she smiled a lot. When she was genuinely happy. 

"I will treasure every moment with you, so if you're still blaming yourself for what happened, please know that you did enough. You were more than enough. At some point, I felt like I wanted to get through it. You made me stronger, but there were still times when I would break down no matter how happy I was that day, but it wasn't because of you. Do not blame yourself. Do not live like me. That feeling is the feeling I had to bear for so many years." 

I slowly nodded. Somehow, I felt myself accepting everything that happened. Nagsisink-in na sa akin lahat. I was on the stage of acceptance. 

"Sam, I already told you this, but you will become a great model someday. Please, live for yourself this time. Choose yourself, kasi alam kong ubos na ubos ka na. Do the things you want and be happy. Genuinely happy," she said, smiling. "Of course, you need to work on your walk, but as your former photographer, I know expert ka na when it comes to shoots. I'm saying this now, and I will never get tired of repeating this up there in the sky. I am... so proud of you." 

Halos hindi ko na siya makita kakaiyak ko. My vision became a blur. 

"I am now a star, like you... But I chose to be up there so you can easily see me wherever you go. I will continue shining bright for you. Look up when you miss me, and I will look down when I miss you." The tears already fell from her eyes, but she was still smiling. "I love you, Ate." 

That was her last statement before she turned the camera off. I closed the laptop and hugged it while crying. I ended up sleeping on my bed, imagining her beside me. I woke up around midnight to bring her dress to the funeral home before going home again. I was not able to talk to anyone yet besides Yanna. Kahit si Clyden, hindi ko pa nakakausap. 

"You could shine brightly... and become a star without being taken away..." I whispered before falling asleep. 

The next day, I went out early to buy flowers for Naomi. I also bought sunflowers because she liked yellow. What a bright color for my brightest star. 

Wala pang hapon ay pumunta na 'ko sa sementeryo para maghintay. Yanna wanted to go, but she had exams that afternoon. I didn't want to bother her anymore, so I told her that it was okay for me to get through this alone. Naomi's message last night made me feel better. I had already accepted her death, and I didn't blame myself anymore. 

Nahukay na 'yong spot katabi ng Mommy niya pagkapunta ko roon. They already worked on it this morning. Nang palubog na ang araw, nakita ko na rin ang casket niya na dinadala ng apat na lalaki. I smiled by myself. I was wearing a black long-sleeved dress. I picked the prettiest one for her pretty soul.

The ceremony was short. Hindi ako umiyak, pero noong sinabi sa akin na silipin ko na bago siya ibaba, I almost broke down. I walked towards her and saw her face. 

"I love you," I whispered, touching her face through the hard plastic barrier. She looked so pretty. She looked so bright. 

They were about to close it, but a hand stopped them. My lips parted when I looked at Clyden, who was already beside me. He was wearing a white button-down polo and a pair of grey slacks. He pursed his lips and stared at Naomi's face. 

"W-why are you here?" I asked.

"Why are you here alone?" he asked back in his most serious voice. 

I looked down and didn't answer anymore. He walked closer to Naomi and also touched the barrier. He was staring at her for so long. He wasn't saying it, but I knew that it was also painful for him. Kahit hindi sila ganoon katagal nagkasama, they still had fun teasing each other while we were packing the donations. 

"I wasn't there," he whispered before taking a step backward. 

I bit my lower lip as I watched them close the casket. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa mga bulaklak na hawak ko habang pinapanood kong ibaba siya. I started crying again while Clyden was beside me, standing still. When it was time for me to throw the flowers, I gave him some, and we both threw them down with Naomi. 

Before I threw the last flower, I looked up at the sky. "You asked me if I think there's pain there..." I whispered when I saw the moon showing. "Naomi, I hope not... I hope there is none. And in here, too. I could only wish... that you didn't leave." 

And at that moment, I swore to myself that I would help more... I would like people to see the hope she once saw... and continue to live. 

I would remind them that they could shine brightly without being up there. I will continue to be Naomi's star from the ground, with a bright light that will allow others to see hope. I will do better... so others will have hope to continue. 

And I was one of those people who wanted to continue. To live... Not for other people but for myself... Because it was also what she wanted for me. Naomi would want me to keep going. 

I threw the last flower and turned my back away to wipe my tears. I felt Clyden behind me, staring. He walked away after a few minutes. I thought he had already left, but he came back and handed me a bottle of water. 

"Do not dehydrate yourself," he said, opening the bottle for me. 

Kinuha ko 'yon mula sa kanya at ininuman. We didn't talk to each other until it was already dark. I stayed there until they were already finished putting the soil back in its place. I thanked all of them before they left. 

"I'm sorry..." Clyden finally talked. "I wasn't there. I'm sorry you had to face this alone." 

"It's okay," I whispered, giving him a small smile. "It was my choice not to tell. How did you know?" 

"Your mom messaged me," he answered. "She asked me to check on you because you wouldn't return her calls." 

I nodded, still not looking at him. I couldn't look at him without remembering everything his mom had said. There was nothing good going on with me anymore, but I still had to do it. If being married to him would make him turn his back on his family, then I would be very much glad to cancel the engagement. It was what they wanted all along. 

"Cy," I called when we reached the parking lot. "Can we talk now?" 

He suddenly stopped walking. Nakita ko kung paano humigpit ang hawak niya sa susi ng kotse niya. He turned his back against me and refused to look at me again. 

"I can't," he answered again. 

"No, let's do this right here." I touched his arm and pulled on him so he would face me. He looked at me and bit his lower lip, getting mad. "Stop avoiding it. We both know where we will end up." 

"Married, Maureen. That's where we will end up," he said under his clenched teeth. 

"Cy, please." My face started to heat again. I was already tired. I wanted it to be over immediately. "Let's end this. Please." 

He looked away and pushed his tongue against his cheek while breathing heavily. He already knew I would say that, but he just couldn't accept it. He was still stubborn about it. 

"You're just tired. Why don't we talk about this some other time?" He tried to avoid it again. 

"Clyden!"

"Sam! Fuck! You know my answer! I would never leave you! If you don't want me anymore, I don't care! Even if you push me away, I'll stick with you because that's what I promised you!" he yelled back. The desperation in his voice was painful for me. "So, please... Stop telling me to end this. It's not happening." 

He turned his back away from me again and opened the door of his car. He was about to get in when I said something that stopped him from walking away. 

"I was using you," I told him coldly. 

He suddenly stopped and closed the door of his car. He refused to look at me and just held on to his car tightly. He was slowly trying to control his breathing. 

"My mom told me to stay with you because we needed your family to save me. I had to hold on to you to secure my future, but now I realize that I want to secure my own future without your help. I want to live for myself now, Cy." I added a bit of truth to it so I wouldn't feel so bad. 

He sighed heavily and walked again until he was already in front of me. When I looked at his eyes, I saw pain, anger, and tears that he was trying to stop from falling. 

"Use me, then," he said without any hesitation. 

"What?" My brows furrowed in confusion. I heard him, but I never thought that he would actually say that. 

The man who valued his pride more than anything was in front of me, telling me to use him. He was slowly turning into someone I never thought he could become. He was desperate to keep me that he was ready to lower himself down. 

"Use me. I don't care, Sam, please, just don't leave me," he begged. 

"How can I use you when your father already took the inheritance away from you, huh? I don't have a secure future with you anymore!" I shouted at him, trying to get him back to his senses. "I don't want you anymore. You're nothing without your family's money." 

He pursed his lips and looked away, clenching his jaw. My words were like knives to him. I chose to attack where it would hurt the most. Inside, I was begging myself to stop. I already felt bad about it. I couldn't hurt him anymore. 

"I'm nothing?" he repeated in disbelief. "Without my family?" 

I swallowed hard. "Yes, so just go back where you belong. I will now do things by myself. I don't want to be with you anymore." 

"You don't mean that." He looked at me in the eyes, trying to read my lies, so I had to look away from him. "You don't mean that, right? Please, tell me." 

"I meant everything I said. What more do you want me to say? What reason do you want me to come up with just for you to let me go? That I never loved you?" I asked. 

"That's a lie," he said, still denying it. "I know that's a lie. Don't fool me." 

"You're so desperate," I said harshly. "Can't you see yourself? Why are you still forcing yourself on me? I already told you. I don't want you anymore. If you can't accept that, then it's not my fault anymore."

Tumalikod na 'ko at naglakad papunta sa kotse ako. I couldn't say more. I was feeling so guilty. Seeing him like that was already so painful for me. Baka hindi ko na kayanin at manatili na lang sa tabi niya. 

Hinabol niya 'ko hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay. I went straight upstairs to get my suitcase. He stopped at the door and watched me put my clothes inside. Binibilisan ko ang kilos ko dahil akala ko pipigilan niya 'ko, but he just stood there and watched me. I looked back at him and saw him staring at my suitcase. Namumula na ang mukha niya. 

"You're going to leave us?" he asked in a soft voice. Us... including the dogs. 

I dropped my clothes and covered my face while crying. I broke down in front of him after putting on such a tough attitude. I can't imagine the dogs waiting for me to come home every day. 

"Will this make you happy, Sam?" he asked again as his tears started to fall. 

It took me a long time before I nodded. It wouldn't make me happy, but it will set you free, and it will also set me free. Maybe happiness would come afterward. I wanted to live for myself and not be tied to anyone. 

"Okay," he whispered, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. 

He walked towards me and kneeled down on the floor. I cried harder when he started folding my clothes and putting them inside my suitcase. Tumayo pa siya para kuhanin ang iba ko pang mga damit. I cried and cried while he was doing that. He was helping me leave, no matter how painful it was for him. 

"All I want is for you to be happy," he whispered. Nakita ko ang pagpatak ng luha niya sa iba kong mga damit. "So be happy." 

"Cy," I whispered, sobbing. 

He looked at me and held my chin. He stared at my eyes for so long and wiped my tears with his thumb before giving me a soft kiss. I closed my eyes with tears streaming down my face. It was a long kiss. The kiss that sealed our relationship. 

"If you're going to leave me, do it without crying," he whispered after kissing my forehead. "Or else I would take you back to my arms again." 

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I apologized over and over until I finally gathered the courage to get more of my clothes. 

He helped me pack my things all night. I was planning to leave tomorrow morning, and I told him that so it wouldn't worry him. 

"Can you sleep beside me for the last time?" he asked, giving me a small smile. 

I nodded. I took a shower before I went to the master's bedroom. Nang humiga ako, hinatak niya kaagad ako palapit sa kanya. He embraced me tightly and caressed my hair, still not ready to let me go. 

"Can you keep the ring for me?" he whispered. 

I bit my lower lip again so he wouldn't hear me crying. He touched my ring finger to check if I was still wearing it. Yes, I was. I couldn't take it off.

"Answer me."

I nodded. "I will." 

He sighed heavily and kissed the top of my head before I fell asleep. The next morning, he was already gone for his duty. Nauna pa siyang umalis sa 'kin. I took a shower and pulled my suitcase downstairs. When I was about to leave, the dogs suddenly came running to me.

I kneeled and hugged all of them, giving them kisses on top of their heads. Summer kept on touching me with her paw, so I looked at her and saw the note attached to her collar. Kinuha ko 'yon at binuksan. 

I don't want to watch you leave. 

Be happy. I'll become someone you can be proud of.

See you around, love.

- Cy

I cried and hugged the dogs again for the last time, bidding goodbye. I also wrote something on the back of the note and attached it to Summer's collar before I left the house. 

Maybe someday,

I'll make your head turn again with my walk.

Take care of yourself, Doc.

- Maureen

Before I went to my condo, I decided to stop by the mansion. I wasn't ready to see Naomi's room yet, but I came there to talk to my parents. They were about to leave when they saw me, which made them stop. They were both wearing black, so I assumed that they were on their way to Naomi. 

"Maureen, dear..." My mom went to me and held my shoulders. "Finally, you came to see me. Are you okay?" 

I moved her hands away from my shoulder. I looked at her straight in the eyes before looking at my dad. 

"Thank you for the things you've done for me," I told him coldly. "But starting today, I'll start doing all of them by myself. I won't follow you anymore. I won't follow the things you want anymore." 

"What are you saying, Maureen?" my dad asked, getting mad. 

"I'm saying that I am not one of your possessions," I told them. "I am Samantha Vera... and I will create a name out there for myself." 

That was the last thing I said before leaving. Starting today, I will live for myself. 

________________________________________________________________________________

:)