trigger warning: self-harm, death

"Ngayon ko lang nabalitaan. Hindi na 'ko masyadong nakakapag-online, eh. Okay ka lang ba?" 

I sighed and sipped on my can of cold beer while looking at nowhere. I was too occupied by my thoughts to even focus my attention somewhere. Matagal akong nakatulala sa kawalan hanggang sa narinig ko ang maikling tawa ni Luna. When I was about to go home by myself because I couldn't call them, she called me instead. 

"I'm fine," I whispered. It didn't sound like it, so I needed to add a smile so she would believe my words. 

"It's no use. Hindi gagana sa 'kin 'yan, kahit ngumiti ka pa. Alam na alam ko na 'yong ganyang mga ngiti, eh. Pinipilit na lang natin 'yong sarili natin maging okay, 'no? Kasi baka sa kakapilit natin, magkatotoo." She laughed again before sipping on her beer. 

We were on the balcony of her condo. Kierra was out so kami lang dalawa ang naiwan. I wondered why Kierra was so busy. Good thing I refused to call her. Baka makaabala pa 'ko. Sometimes, it would just hit you, right? That all of your friends had their own lives and their own problems to mind. Kahit ano'ng mangyari sa 'yo, their lives would still go on. It was the reason why I didn't want to tell them my problems. I didn't want them to stop living their lives just because I stopped mine.

It was just a problem. I would get over it by myself. I can get over it... At least, that was what I wanted to happen, but it was really hard. Really, really hard. 

"I'm fine," I whispered again as my tears started to fall. "It's fine. I'm okay." My voice broke this time. I looked down and let the tears fall to the cold tiles. I couldn't look at Luna anymore. I was too embarrassed.

"Sige lang," she casually said before sipping on her beer again without looking at me. She refused to look at me because she knew I would be embarrassed. I rarely cried because of my personal problems. I often cried because of theirs. 

I tried so hard to stifle a sob until my chest was already hurting. I held my chest and fisted on my shirt while looking down. I was trying to hold it all in, but it was too hard. My emotions were overflowing, but I also didn't want Luna to see me like this. Devastated. 

I stopped crying when she suddenly handed me a box of tissue. I didn't even notice that she went inside to get one. Kinuha ko 'yon at pinunasan ang luha ko habang hindi nakatingin sa kanya. She was also looking away from me. 

"How do I endure it?" I asked her, still trying to stop my tears. 

"Well, life goes on even though it feels like shit," Luna whispered. "Kapit lang. Kapit ka sa 'kin. Kapit ka sa amin. Kumapit ka sa mga taong handang hawakan ang kamay mo. 'Yong mga taong hindi ka bibitawan." 

She gave me a long hug before I left, which made me feel better. I was driving home, ready to face Clyden, when I realized that he was probably out on his duty.

When I parked my car in the garage, I saw an unfamiliar car just in front of the house. I turned the engine off and got my bag before I went out of my car, only to see Clyden's mom looking at the flowers in the garden. She kneeled down when Hail went to her, giving the dog a pat on the head. 

"Uh..." I went closer to get her attention, not knowing what to say. She immediately stood up and gave me a small smile when she turned in my direction. "Good... evening, Ma'am." It wasn't fully evening yet. "Clyden's on his duty." 

"Hello, Sam," she greeted. "I'm not here for Clyden. To tell you the truth, he's... He's actually not talking to us at the moment." 

My brows furrowed in confusion. Was it because he became too busy to even talk to his family? His parents would understand because they were all in the same field, but his mom looked lonely. 

"Do you want to come inside?" I asked while putting my car keys inside my bag. I stopped when she talked. 

"No, I wouldn't stay long."

I looked at her and pursed my lips. Something was making me nervous, but I didn't know what it was. Clyden's mother was kind. I knew that already when I first met her. However, not because she was kind, it would automatically mean that she was a good mother to the three. She let her children fight... But I also couldn't judge her with that. Maybe she was also having a hard time with those three. 

"Clyden stopped talking to us ever since his dad tried to force him to cancel the engagement," she told me. 

My lips parted in shock, not knowing what to say. Clyden... He never said anything about that. I got that he was too busy with his clerkship, but he had the chance to tell me that when we went out on a date. He didn't, so he really just didn't want to tell me. 

"You probably already know what's going on with your family. My husband is worried about our business. We are in the medical field, and it is also political. People are trusting their lives on us, and being with your family can be critical for us. We want nothing to do with your family anymore, Samantha. I hope you understand," she said, trying so hard to make it sound less painful for me. 

"Of course," I whispered, looking down. 

I understood where she was coming from. Even I hated my family. Even I hated where I came from. I knew it would affect their family as well, and the thing with me was that I didn't want other people to suffer because of me. I didn't want to bring them down with me and my family as well. My parents had affected so many lives already just by stealing money. Enough was enough. 

"But Clyden was still stubborn about it." Her mom sighed heavily. "So his dad used the inheritance against him. He said he didn't care, but I didn't want him to lose it just because of this. That kid has a bright future ahead of him. I also don't want him to get caught up in this issue. If only we knew... We wouldn't have forced him to say yes to this engagement. I'm so sorry to bother both of you." 

'I'm not having a hard time? You don't know a thing'. His words suddenly came back to me. To think that I told him that without knowing how he was ready to give up on his family for me. I didn't know what to feel. Just when I was about to think that everything would be alright, another problem came up. 

"Did you know that he agreed to this engagement because he didn't want you to get married to Charles?" 

So we both had reasons why we agreed to get married at this young age. I remembered how we hated each other at our first meeting. Who knew it would come to this point? I should have been ready to face this. Besides, it was the ending we were planning all along. We forced ourselves to get along with each other because we wanted to cancel the engagement in the end. It was the moment we planned back then. 

But why did it hurt so much? Why was I feeling like dying? Like my chest was being hammered continuously. It hurt. All of it. 

"When he was young, Charles used to hit him. Maybe he was afraid that his brother would do the same to you. I don't know. He didn't talk about the reason, so I just assumed that that was it." 

He didn't want to disappoint his family. That was the reason he told me... But I was starting to doubt him. He couldn't tell me about all of these. Ang dami ko pang hindi alam sa kanya... sa buhay niya. He was vocal but not about himself. Not about the things he was going through. Not about his problems. We were the same. 

"He had the softest heart among the three despite having such a tough attitude. He might be acting based on his emotions now, so he can't see the future ahead of him. Because of his love for you, he might as well end up helping your dad. The person he hated the most. And that will become his downfall." 

He wouldn't do that. Clyden would never do that because he knew how to stick to his principles. His mother was wrong on that part, but I agreed with her statement that this could become Clyden's downfall. Having the surname "Vera" was already hard for me. I wanted to bring a new meaning to that surname, so I refused to give it up. 

"Please give me time," I whispered. "Everything's too much for me right now. I hope you understand." 

"Of course." She nodded and gave me an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry to drag you into this, Sam... But I really want the best for my son. He's still young." 

I nodded and stared as I watched her walk away. Nang mawala siya sa paningin ko, napaupo na lang ako sa damuhan at napatakip sa mukha ko. I was close to crying when I felt a paw on my shoulder. I moved my hands away from my face and saw Summer with her tongue out. She was trying to get my attention by touching me with her foot. 

"Hello, baby," I greeted her and smiled. I ended up smiling when Maple also ran to me, causing me to fall on my back. Hail started licking my face while Maple rested her body on top of me. 

The next day, I woke up to a message from the doctor I recommended to Naomi. I opened my eyes and got off the bed before I opened my phone. 

From: Dr. Peja

Hello, Sam. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but Naomi has already missed a lot of sessions. I'm just worried about her. I heard about what happened to your family. 

I massaged my head and replied, 'I'll check on her,' before I went down to have some breakfast. I suddenly stopped walking to the kitchen when I saw Clyden putting a plate of pancakes down on the breakfast table. He was wearing his white polo. Hindi ko alam kung kakauwi niya lang o paalis na siya. 

"You're awake now," he said when he saw me. 

Dahan-dahan akong umupo sa high chair at uminom ng tubig habang nakaiwas ng tingin sa kanya. All I could think about was his mother's words. Clyden was in conflict with his family but he was keeping it all inside, not knowing that I already knew about it. 

"Cy," I called, looking down at my plate. "When are you available to talk?" 

He stared at me for a moment before looking away and pursing his lips. He turned his back away from me like he knew what I wanted to talk about. He was purposely trying to avoid it. It hurt me to see him fighting for us. Our relationship was already in crumbles, to begin with. 

It wouldn't actually make a difference if we were separated. We had already gotten used to not seeing each other anyway ever since we started chasing our dreams. It wouldn't hurt that much, right? It shouldn't... But it did. It really did. 

I felt like I wanted to lean my head on his chest for him to assure me that everything would be alright between us. I didn't want to lose him too, but everything was too much, and I didn't want to bring him down with me. He was already having a hard time with his clerkship. 

"I can't," he whispered, holding on to the countertop so tightly. All I could see was his back. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniisip niya. "I can't talk. Not now. Not ever." 

With that, he walked away to get his bag. "Finish your breakfast," he said before leaving the house. I sighed heavily and covered my face to stop the tears from falling. Araw-araw na lang ba akong gigising nang tinitiis ang sakit? May araw pa bang darating na hindi ako masasaktan? 

I checked the news and saw Naomi's face in the articles about my dad. I suddenly felt the heat going around my body. Madness. It was all I could think of. These people just couldn't spare the kid! Who wanted to be called an 'illegitimate' child all over the internet?! Fuck them! I wished Naomi wouldn't see all of this. 

After taking a shower, I rushed out to the mansion. Alam kong may pasok dapat si Naomi ngayon kaya titingnan ko kung pumasok siya. I wanted to message her friends, but then I realized that Naomi never talked about having friends ever since what happened during her birthday. Did she find other friends? Or... was she alone? All this time? 

"Is Naomi here?" I asked the helpers, and they nodded. I sighed heavily and went upstairs. It was also possible that my mom grounded her and told her not to go to school because of the issue, but I doubted her intentions. She wouldn't care that much. 

I stopped in front of her door and knocked. "Naomi, this is your sister. Are you there?" 

When she didn't respond, I knocked again. And again. And again. I continued knocking until I finally heard her voice. 

"Go away!" she yelled. "Leave me alone, Sam!" 

My lips parted in shock. Memories of her kicking me out of her room flashed. Our relationship went back to zero just like that? Was she back to pushing me away from her? Why? Because my mom made her feel guilty for what was happening? 

"No, I would never leave you alone. I told you that!" I yelled back. This time, I wouldn't let her go. I wouldn't leave her anymore. I turned my back away from her a lot of times when she told me to go away. That was my mistake. "Open the door, and let's talk, please." 

"I don't want to talk! Stop fucking pitying me! I am not a charity case!" I heard the anger in her voice. 

"What the hell did Mom say to you? I am your sister, and I want to take care of you! I never treated you as a charity case!" 

Pity? Maybe I did. Maybe I pitied her back then when I first saw her and heard what happened to her mom, but I wasn't doing this because of that. I valued her. I was the only one who could see her worth. Not even she could see it. 

I sat on the floor and leaned my back against the door. I stayed there for so long, waiting for her to open the door. The helpers offered me food, but I refused. I couldn't eat anymore. Naomi was probably skipping meals, too. I knew my parents wouldn't be home at this time. They were busy with their hearings. I was actually surprised that they hadn't faked their medical records yet. Someone couldn't do it for them, huh? Even Clyden's family couldn't. 

"Naomi..." I said, tired. I was so tired. "I love you, okay? You do not deserve to be caught up in this... You're still young. I want you to be happy... so please, don't push me away. Let's be there for each other." 

Napahilamos ako sa mukha ko gamit ang mga kamay ko. Tiring... Everything was so tiring. I just wanted to give up... pero kapag sumuko ako, sino na lang ang dadalo sa kapatid ko? 

It was already midnight when I decided to stand up. I knocked again and told her that I would get the keys. She was already getting me worried. She didn't make a sound for a long time. 

"Can you get the keys for me-" I stopped talking to the helper when the door suddenly opened. Naomi looked at me with her coldest stare. She took a step forward and touched my shoulder to push me away. 

"Leave," she whispered. "Just leave, please." 

"I told you that I will be with you throughout your healing process. I won't leave now. I couldn't." I promised. With my parents closely going to jail, I was the only one left to take care of her. I will bring her with me. 

"You don't understand!" She suddenly raised her voice, which made me step back a bit. "You don't understand! You will never understand because no one is talking ill of you just for being the daughter of your father! I am too embarrassed to get out now. When I went to school, some people were looking at me like.. like they pitied me..." Her voice suddenly broke. "And... you're no different, Sam... You're looking at me right now with the same eyes." 

"Naomi..." I wanted to say something but nothing came out. 

"Do not even try to sound like you understand! It's not that easy! My face was all over the internet. My mom's death was brought up. Everything is... Everything hurts..." She fell on her knees and cried. "Why... Why is this happening to me?"

Tumulo rin ang luha ko at lumuhod sa harapan niya para yakapin siya. She was shaking badly because of crying. She wanted to get out of my hold, but I held her in place.

"Why should I suffer?" She was crying so loudly that she couldn't breathe anymore. "I did not ask to be born... I didn't ask for all of these... so why? Why?! Why?!"  

I tightened my embrace and leaned my chin on top of her head. She gave up eventually and just cried on my shoulder. Her cries were like knives piercing me in my chest. 

"I'm sorry," I whispered as I tried to contain my sobs. "You don't deserve this." They should talk about me instead. I was ready to take the blow to protect my sister. I lost my parents, and I was about to lose Clyden, too. I couldn't lose Naomi this time. 

"I deserve this," she whispered, crying. "I deserve this... My mom died because of me... I deserve this. I deserve this." 

"No," my voice broke. I shook my head and tightened my embrace more. "You don't. Please." 

"It hurts... Why does it always hurt? How could I still live?" She was breathing heavily. Parang nahihirapan na siyang humabol ng hininga kakaiyak. "Why do I need to feel sorry for living? Why do I need to suffer when all I wanted was to be happy? I shouldn't have gone out of the door... I should have stayed in my place! I shouldn't have hoped that things would get better!" 

"I am here," I whispered to her continuously. "I am here. Lean on me." 

"I... I wish I were never born. I wish... my mother lived instead of me. I just feel like a criminal. My father hid me from the world like I was a monster... You denied me in front of your friends... I felt so ashamed... Why, Sam? Why... Why do I have to live like this?! Why didn't I just die with her if this were the kind of life she would leave me?!" 

My lips parted in shock, hearing what she said about me denying her in front of my friends. I thought she didn't want to be associated with me. I didn't know that it would scar her up to this day. 

"I tried to please your parents... When did I ever fight back? When was I ever disobedient? I did everything they wanted because they were the only reason why I was still alive. I took Political Science, even though I hated it. I tried to make friends, and they betrayed me. There was nothing good going on with my life anymore because your mom was right. I bring misfortune to everyone. I could never be happy... It feels like a sin to be happy..." She cried again until she couldn't breathe anymore. 

"Remember what you told me? You are worth more than what they say," I told her. "Don't believe what my mother says. Don't believe what people say. They don't know a thing about your life... so let's fight back, Naomi. We can live without them. We can live with just us two." 

"Stop... Stop!" she yelled, covering her ears. "Stop... Stop making me hope again... Things will not get better. Things never got better... As long as I am alive, everyone around me will suffer!" She cried louder, trying to push me away. I was sobbing uncontrollably while embracing her, trying to stop her from hurting herself. 

"Please, Naomi... Please... I'm here. Don't push me away... Didn't I tell you? Whatever happens, I will always be here." I was crying so badly. My chest was hurting. I tightened my embrace and caressed her hair, calming her down. She was having a mental breakdown. "I am not suffering because of you. No one is suffering because of you." 

She was still crying and screaming. It was so painful... I didn't know what to do. I just made her feel that I would never let her go... that she would be safe in my embrace. I waited and waited... until she wasn't trying to get out of my hold anymore. She just put her hands on my back as she calmed down. 

Minutes passed by. She wasn't crying anymore. I was tapping her back with my hand repeatedly to calm her down, pero ako, hindi pa tapos umiyak. I cried silently, not making a sound. She rested in my embrace until her breathing went back to its normal pace. 

"Hope..." she whispered once she stopped crying. 

"Yes... Hope. There is hope, Naomi," I reminded her, crying. 

"Sam," she called before getting out of my hold. I couldn't see her face anymore because of my tears. She held my chin and wiped my tears away with her thumb. "Be free." 

I shook my head again. "Come with me. I'm going to provide you with your needs. Trust me. I will do something so we can get through this without anyone's help." 

"I'm... sorry," she suddenly whispered. 

"Why? Why are you apologizing? Don't you want to go with me?" I asked, getting nervous. "I won't leave here until you do. Please, Naomi... Just trust me." 

She stared at me for a long time before her lips curved into a sad smile. She nodded and stood up, pulling my hand up with her. "I'll... get my things," she said in a soft voice before going inside her room again, leaving the door open. 

I wiped my tears while waiting for her to pack her clothes. I thought she would bring a large suitcase with her, but she only brought one duffle bag and a camera. She said she didn't have that many clothes, maybe because she couldn't ask my dad to buy some for her. 

She lived a hard life. I admired her for being strong. The people surrounding me were all so strong so I wanted to be like them. My friends, Clyden, my sister. Lahat sila, kinakaya nila, kaya kakayanin ko rin. 

"Let's go," she told me. 

I brought her back to the house. She was kind of allergic to fur, but she still let the dogs welcome her. She smiled and gave them a pat on their heads before following me upstairs to the guest room. 

"Can I stay in your old room?" she asked me instead.

"Yeah, sure. I'm sleeping in the master's bedroom." 

I opened my room and she went inside, looking around. Nilapag niya ang bag niya sa sahig at umupo sa kama ko habang tinitingnan ang frames doon. I didn't have a schedule tomorrow so I asked her if she wanted to bake again. 

"Yeah, of course," she told me, smiling a bit. "Let's try baking cupcakes." 

Both of us were already tired, so I already left the room to sleep. The next day, I woke up early to buy the ingredients. Naomi wanted to stay behind, and I understood that maybe she wasn't ready to go out yet. 

I went back to the house, and Naomi helped me prepare our baking tools. We were just following instructions from the internet. Hindi pa 'ko nakakapag-bake ng cupcakes. It was also my first time. 

"Wow, you broke them perfectly!" I praised her when I saw what she did with the eggs. She smirked proudly before whisking them. 

"I practiced a lot," she said, laughing a bit. "Let's mix them together. I'm excited to eat chocolate cupcakes. We can make more than ten, right? It's sad, though, because the dogs couldn't eat them." 

"It's okay. Tayo na lang uubos," I told her. 

She looked at me again and slowly gave me a smile before nodding. We finished mixing the ingredients together, so we poured them into the liners. Pagkalagay ko sa oven, sumandal na ulit ako sa breakfast table habang naghihintay. 

Naomi was staring at me while leaning her chin on her palm. When I looked at her, she smiled at me again. When I was mixing the ingredients earlier, she suddenly hugged me from behind and leaned her chin on my shoulder. 

"You're the best sister in the world," sabi niya kanina. 

"I am your only sister," I told her back, and she laughed. 

After letting the cupcakes cool down, we added the frosting we prepared earlier. We couldn't eat them right away, so we just stored the cupcakes inside the refrigerator. Bukas pa namin balak kainin. 

Naomi watched Netflix for the rest of the day because she was determined to finish the series she was watching. Umakyat na rin ako sa kwarto para ayusin 'yong schedule ko at mag-reply sa emails. After that, I went out to pick up Yanna and Avrielle from the hospital. 

"She's fine now, right?" I touched Avrielle's forehead. 

"Oo. Salamat, Sam. Nag-panic lang siguro ako. Na-miss ko tuloy 'yong exam." She sighed and massaged her head. "Magsusulat na lang ako ng excuse letter." 

"I'll take care of Avrielle in the meantime. Go and focus on your studies." 

"Huwag na. Pinapabalik ko na si Mama. Alam kong marami kang pinagdadaanan ngayon. Okay ka lang ba?" She looked at me and gave me a small smile. 

"Of course," I told her before driving away. "I'm getting there. I'll call you when I can't take it anymore." 

"Sure ka, ah." Mukhang hindi pa siya naniniwala sa 'kin. I gave her a genuine smile and nodded. That should assure her. 

When I went home, Naomi was in the garden, taking pictures of the dogs. When she saw me, she took a picture of me too and laughed. 

"Your boyfriend was here earlier, but he had already left," she told me after standing up. 

"Yeah. He's busy with his clerkship. I'll take a shower inside," paalam ko bago pumasok sa bahay. I went upstairs to take a shower and secretly looked at some apartments in New York. I wasn't really planning to move permanently since I also needed to take care of Avrielle. 

The next day, when I walked downstairs, Naomi was already taking a bite of the cupcakes. She offered me one when she saw me and told me that they tasted good, so I tried them myself. It wasn't really that good pero pwede na. 

"I have a schedule today, but I'll be back right away," I told her before drinking water. 

"I'll visit my mom," she told me back. 

"Do you have money?" I reached for my wallet, but she shook her head. Malayo pa 'yong libingan ng Mommy niya. I wanted to drive her there but may photoshoot pa 'ko. 

"I have. Don't worry about it." 

I went upstairs to take a shower, and she offered to do my makeup for me. Of course, I couldn't refuse, so I just let her do that for me. Siya na rin ang nag-ayos ng buhok ko at pumili ng susuotin ko. She looked like she was enjoying it. 

"You can be my makeup artist and photographer," I teased. 

"I wish," she whispered, laughing a bit. "Hey, you're going to become a great model even without me as your photographer. I know that you're good at getting along with other people, but try your best to become more comfortable in front of other people's cameras, okay? Isipin mo na lang na ako 'yong kumukuha sa 'yo ng picture kapag naiilang ka." 

"I surely will." I nodded. "Thank you." 

"Now go." She tapped my shoulders after finishing up my look. Tumayo na 'ko at kinuha ang bag ko para umalis. She followed me downstairs until I opened the front door. 

"Bye, Naomi!" I waved my hand.

She nodded and put her hands on her back. "Bye, Ate," she said before giving me a smile that reached her eyes.

I also said goodbye to the dogs before I went inside my car. Something was bothering me the whole day but I couldn't point it out. Which exactly was it? Sa dami ng problema ko, hindi ko na rin alam kung alin ang uunahin ko. 

I managed to get through my shoot early kaya nakauwi ako nang maaga. When I arrived home, Naomi wasn't around. I texted her when she'd be back but she didn't reply to me. Umakyat ako sa kwarto ko at napansing iniwan niya ang camera niya, pero wala na 'yong duffle bag niya. 

Was she going to stay out? I tried to call her again, but she didn't answer. Nag-prepare na lang ako ng dinner para sa aming dalawa. When the door opened, I thought it was Naomi, but I saw Clyden instead. 

"Hey," I greeted, not expecting him. 

He had a small cut on his cheek. He looked so tired and angry at the same time, which got me worried. Kumuha kaagad ako ng medicine kit at umupo sa sofa para gamutin 'yong nasa pisngi niya. 

"Did you have a fight with someone?" I asked while he was taking his polo off. 

"Just a small brother fight," he answered. "Huwag mo nang gamutin. Maliit lang 'to."

He was about to walk upstairs but I called his name. Matagal akong nakatulala sa sahig, hindi alam kung paano sasabihin ang iniisip ko. He stopped walking and clenched his fist. 

"Can we talk, please?" I asked him again. 

He didn't answer for a long time. He looked up and closed his eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. I played with my nails and waited for him to respond. 

"No matter what happens..." He started talking. "I'll stay with you, right? I'll marry you. Nothing can ever change my mind." 

He took another step but stopped when he heard my voice. "Why are you still fighting for it?" I bit my lower lip as I tried to stop my tears. 

He clenched his fist tighter before looking at me with bloodshot eyes. The light reflected on the tears in his eyes. 

"Because I love you," he answered before walking away. 

I sighed heavily before standing up to continue making dinner. I waited for Naomi again so I refused to eat. Gabi na pero wala pa rin siya kaya tinawagan ko siya ulit. No one was answering so it got me worried. Kinuha ko ang jacket ko at umalis ng bahay para mag-drive papunta sa libingan ng Mommy niya. Maybe she got lost? 

I tried to reach her again. Her phone was ringing but no one was answering. Gabi na nang makarating ako sa sementeryo. There was a bouquet of flowers there so she was here earlier. Wala na siya kaya bumalik na ulit ako sa sasakyan. I called her again and after three rings, finally, she answered. 

"Hey, where are you? I've been looking for you," I told her. She didn't answer right away. "Hello?" 

[I'll... I'll stay at my friend's house. It's a little late already, so just go home. Don't worry about me.] She said, sounding a little tired.

"Are you sure you're okay? I can pick you up." 

She stayed silent for a long time, so I checked if she was still there. The call was still ongoing. 

[I'm okay. I want to hang out with my friends, too. We're... stargazing.] She even laughed a bit. [Bye... I love you. Take care.] She said before she ended the call. 

I went home that night again and sat on the breakfast table, looking at the cold food I prepared earlier. Hindi na 'ko kumain at nilagay na lang 'yon sa loob ng ref. I went home... after the call... na dapat hindi ko ginawa. 

If only I had been a little persistent.

If only I sensed that something was wrong. 

If only I did better... It wouldn't come to this. 

[Ma'am, wala na po siya...] The helper from the mansion cried over the phone. [Kagabi po, rito siya natulog pero noong lilinisin ko po ang kwarto niya, wala na po siyang malay.]

My head felt heavy. My vision got dark. Blurred. Everything was suddenly a blur. I couldn't hear anything anymore. I felt dizzy. My heart started to race, making it hard for me to breathe. 

"No," I whispered, holding my head, panting. "No way." 

[Tumawag po ako ng ambulansya pero huli na po, Ma'am... Hindi na raw po humihinga si Naomi pagkarating.] She cried again. 

I held my chest. Pasikip nang pasikip ang dibdib ko habang tumatagal. I tried to stand but I just fell on the floor, staring at nowhere. 

'Do you think there's pain there, Ate?' 

Her words. Her smile after asking that. She was... She was feeling pain... And I did nothing to fix that. If only I tried harder.

'Thank you for making me happy, even for a short period of time.'

My mind was too clouded. Everything was not sinking in, even while driving to the hospital. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakarating, o kung paano ko kinaya. My legs were shaking when I stopped in front of the cold room. 

I slowly walked towards her and pulled on the white cloth. When I saw how peaceful she looked, I couldn't help but to break down. I fell on my knees and cried loudly, screaming, yelling, until there was nothing left to say. 

"Naomi..." I cried again, held her hand, and squeezed it. "How will I live now? How can I live without you now?" 

Her hand was cold. She was too cold... It was harsh. She had scars. She had been hurting for so many years now. 

"I'm sorry," I whispered repeatedly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." 

'I want to go there.'

'Where?'

'To the moon. Or just beside it. I want to be one of the stars.'

That day... Naomi became one with the stars. 

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