"I also do not know the answer to that. I'm sorry. Do you want me to ask my friends?" 

His question got me so confused. It suddenly made me realize that I had no idea what love felt like or how I would differentiate 'love' from simply just 'liking' someone. My idea of love came from fictional books and movies, not from experience and definitely not from my family. I couldn't imagine my parents loving each other ever. 

Were they in love? Did they also fall in love during the process of their engagement, like how Clyden and I were now beginning to like each other? I wondered if, at some point, they also became happy with their marriage, but then my dad cheated with Naomi's mom, and it was all gone. It was all ruined. 

I couldn't get my idea of love into words because I never experienced it. I had dated before and had a boyfriend, but I couldn't say that it was love. Maybe it was something less than that. It was never as powerful as the love that I saw in my friends. Love was so powerful it made my friends devastated, hurt, and broken. Hindi ko pa nararanasan ang umiyak nang ganoon dahil sa pagmamahal. 

I knew platonic love. It was the love I felt with my friends and my sister. It was the love that I could easily express with messages like 'text me when you're home!' or 'see you tomorrow ily!'. The love that was so easy to give. The love that was so easy to express.

But I knew Clyden wasn't talking about platonic love. He phrased it as 'falling in love.' It was the kind of love that was unexpected. It was the kind of love that you wouldn't know unless you admit it to yourself. It was slowly burning in flames until you felt it... and the idea was scary.

I didn't want to get burned because my love had always been selfless. Platonic or not. 

"Have you ever loved someone before?" I asked Clyden this time. I knew the answer would be no because if he did, he wouldn't ask a question like that. 

"If we're talking about the same type of love, then the answer is no," seryosong sagot niya sa 'kin. "I only know the science behind it, but when you finally experience it, suddenly there's no definite meaning or process. It's just... there." 

"You're not sounding like yourself." I laughed to ease off the atmosphere. It was too serious for me. "I'll get back to you when I finally realize the answer to that." 

I stood up and placed the pillow back on the sofa before standing up to throw the empty can of beer away. When I came back, the movie was already finished, and Clyden was also busy talking to someone on the phone, so I just went upstairs. Hindi ko napansin na padilim na pala dahil sa kakanood namin. 

I didn't go down for dinner, so Clyden went up, holding the tray and placing it down on my side table. I was busy doing some school work on my laptop, so after putting the tray down, Clyden tried to sneak a glance at my screen. 

"I'm not hungry," I told him. "Get the tray back." 

"Kumain ka kahit kaunti lang." I thought he would leave, but he sat on my couch instead to watch me do my business. 

"I'm not hungry," I told him again while typing something. I was trying to do a sample resume I could use after my graduation. 

"Running for Latin honors?" he asked me, still looking at my laptop screen. Nakaupo ako sa sahig at nakapatong ang laptop sa kama habang nasa likod ko siya, nakaupo sa couch. 

"I hope so," I answered back. The main reason why I wanted to do well in school was to get my parents proud. I knew with my surname, a lot of privileges could come with it, especially in job opportunities, gustuhin ko man o hindi. I didn't want my parents to get disappointed. 

Pakiramdam ko palagi akong may pinapatunayan. I used it as a mask to hide my career uncertainties. I could always say 'at least I'm doing well in this program'  to cheer myself up and to convince myself that I chose the right path, but I still felt empty. It still didn't feel right. I couldn't identify myself. I didn't know what I wanted. It was always what they wanted. It was always what my parents wanted to see. I was trying to do well so they could say, 'She didn't choose PolSci, but at least she's doing well in school' when bragging.

I asked for a condo and a car, and I moved out and chose my own program to finally feel free, but it still wasn't the case. I was still trapped inside, conforming to the rules. Samantha Vera, never a disappointment. The epitome of grace. 

"I do not know what I want anymore," I told him after the long silence. "I refuse to believe that this is the product of letting my parents choose my path because it's different in your case. You like what you're doing." 

"People respond differently to similar situations. If you think it's a product of bad parenting, it is. If you think they fucked your life so bad you couldn't even decide for yourself, then that's your truth because that's what you feel, and you should not invalidate your feelings," he answered while playing with my Rubik's cube. 

"I hate what they're doing to me, but I can't say that I hate them. I am mad, but I can't say that I want to get rid of them and completely take them away from my life. Do you understand me?" I was just hoping that he could. I never told this to anyone before, not even to Yanna, because I was afraid she wouldn't understand or I was afraid I would add up to her problems. 

"I am mad at my brothers, but I still feel bad when my dad talks shit about them in front of other people," he told me. "But still, our anger is valid. I don't think they know about our feelings, though, because we never told them, and it's not easy to speak about it, so take your time. I'll also take mine." 

I wondered if Naomi was feeling the same way. Trapped. She couldn't speak up for years, keeping all the pain inside her. She was doing the things she needed to cope, and I understood that. Hindi ko sinasabing tama ang trato niya sa akin pero naiintindihan ko kung bakit. I was just hoping that someday, she would finally open up her doors to me because I was willing to help her get out of the situation I was still in. 

"Hindi ka talaga kakain?" Clyden asked again, putting the cube back to its place. 

"I will," I said, closing my laptop. Nawalan na ako ng gana gawin 'yon. I wasn't passionate about it. I couldn't think of my future, so ikakain ko na lang. "Who cooked this? The helpers?" 

"Yes. Why? Gusto mo bang paglutuan kita?" tanong niya, nakakunot ang noo.

"I would prefer that," I joked around, hiding my smile. I just imagined him cooking for me every day. Masarap siya magluto ng breakfast, eh. Hindi ko lang alam kung pati lunch at dinner. Hindi ko pa natitikman ang iba niyang luto. 

"Kaunti lang ang alam kong lutuin." He suddenly looked nervous. 

"Hey, it's fine!" Binawi ko kaagad dahil mukhang sineryoso niya. He looked like he was already thinking of the next dish to cook. "Same with me. I also don't cook that much, but I know how to, and I could follow cooking videos."

"Anong oras lunch time mo?" 

"Around eleven usually. Why are you asking?" Kumunot ang noo ko at tumingin sa kanya. He just shook his head before standing up to leave the room. He still reminded me to finish my food before closing the door. Ano'ng gagawin niya? Mag-aaral siguro. May exam nga pala siya. 

I returned the tray downstairs before taking a shower and preparing for bedtime. Maaga akong natulog kaya maaga rin akong nagising kinabukasan. I was just wearing a simple tee and a pair of maong shorts to school. I was putting on my I.D. when I saw Clyden eating breakfast.

"Hi, good morning!" I greeted him with so much energy. He was the complete opposite of me. He looked so tired from studying. 

"Good morning," he greeted me back, getting his finished bowl of cereal to put on the sink. 

He went inside the bathroom to brush his teeth before putting on his white polo to complete his uniform. Nag-spray na rin siya ng perfume habang naglalagay ako ng tubig sa hydroflask ko. Maybe he didn't sleep again. 

"Aalis ka na?" I asked, a little disappointed. We didn't even talk this morning. 

"I have an exam," sabi niya sabay suot ng backpack sa balikat. I thought he was already going to leave, but he still walked towards me to hand me a cute white paper bag. I stared at it with my brows furrowed, confused. 

"What is this?" Kinuha ko sa kamay niya 'yon at binuksan 'yong paper bag only to see a cute lunch box there. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from smiling. "You cooked for me?" 

"Yeah..." He looked shy when he said that. Hindi pa siya makatingin sa 'kin at napahawak sa batok. "Uh, 'alis na 'ko." 

"Thank you for this!" I sounded so excited. I gave him a cute smile, and he returned it with a shy one before leaving. 

Nakita ko pa siyang hinalikan sina Summer sa ulo bago pumuntang garahe. Nasa labas kasi sila Summer, naglalaro sa backyard kahit maaga pa. Hindi ko muna binuksan 'yong lunch box so it would surprise me later. I just ate bread before going to school. 

"Ang ganda 'ata ng mood ni Sam!" Raylee commented when I went inside the room, smiling. I greeted the girls before taking my seat. I looked at Nicole, and she looked away, pursing her lips. 

"What's this?" Ayessa pointed at the white paper bag. Sinubukan pa niyang sumilip pero tinago ko na sa tabi ng chair ko. 

"It's just food," I answered, taking my notebook out of my bag. 

"Wow, Samantha, you packed your lunch for the first time!" Raylee sat beside me and clapped her hands. "Did you cook that? Patikim naman! I can rate your food!" 

"No!" I laughed it off. Mabuti na lang at hindi na nagsalita si Raylee dahil dumating na 'yong prof. I was so inspired the whole day, and I couldn't even wait for lunchtime. I had never been so excited to eat lunch. 

After two subjects, everyone stood up and left the room. The girls were still busy deciding where to eat when I received a text from Clyden. Lumayo muna ako sa kanila para tingnan 'yon. 

From: Clyden

Enjoy your lunch. Don't judge me lol 

I bit my lower lip before hiding my phone. I was planning to reply after tasting the food. Mabuti na lang nakapag-decide na sila Raylee kung saan kakain so naglakad na kami paalis. We just went to Regis, and luckily, we found an empty table. I thanked my org mates for lending it to us before they left. 

I placed the paper bag on the table and took out the lunch box. Color beige 'yon, and it had two layers. Tinanggal ko 'yong lock bago nilapag 'yong first box. The first box had rice with vegetables on the side, and the second one had sweet and sour pork. May fruits din sa side. Kinuha ko rin 'yong utensils sa loob ng paper bag and may pabaon pang juice. It was adorable. 

"Sam, 'yong ngiti mo aabot na sa langit," Raylee told me. "Why are you so happy about your lunch box? Oh my gosh, did your boyfriend give that to you?!" 

Muntik nang masamid si Nicole dahil doon. I looked at Raylee with a smile on my face, shaking my head a little. I didn't give her a verbal answer and just started eating my lunch. He clearly didn't know my diet, so I will forgive him this time. 

They tasted good! I finished the rice and pork before taking my phone out to text him back. 

To: Clyden

They taste good, don't worry. Next time, don't give me rice. I'm on a diet! Grrr. 

He texted back in a few seconds. 

From: Clyden

Choosy ka pa 

I laughed before hiding my phone again to finish eating the fruits and vegetables. I already expected his sarcastic reply, but it still made me smile. Wait, why did it make me smile?! Dati naman naiinis ako kapag ginaganyan niya 'ko. What the hell? Everything was starting to change. 

While putting the lunch box back inside the paper bag, I saw Naomi with her friends, taking their seats at the table near us. I stared at her and unconsciously smiled when I saw her laughing with them. Umiwas na lang ako ng tingin bago pa niya 'ko makita. I didn't want to ruin her good mood.

Naomi stood up to go downstairs, so I also left our table to follow her. I suddenly stopped walking when I heard her friends talking. 

"Ugh, she's so annoying, 'no? So dramatic," the girl said. 

"Who? Naomi? Oo nga, eh. I was just about to say that. Ngayon lang naman siya sumama ulit sa atin but she really has that attitude, 'no?" the other girl said. 

I looked at them with my brows furrowed. "Excuse me. It's not good to talk about people behind their backs. If you have a problem with her, just say it to her face." 

"What?" Naguguluhan silang tumingin sa 'kin. I knew it wasn't my place to pick a fight with freshmen, but I just couldn't stand hearing them talk about my sister like that. "Who are you, and why are you even listening to other people's conversations, huh?" 

"I'm your senior," I told the girl. I looked at her I.D. lace and noticed that she was on the same org as me. "Your org must be ashamed to have you as a member." 

"Excuse me?" Kumunot ang noo niya. "Why are you being so weird?" 

"Sam?" I looked back when I heard Naomi's voice behind me. Naguguluhan siyang tumingin sa 'kin at sa mga kaibigan niya. "What are you doing?" 

"God, you know her? She's so weird. Suddenly pupunta siya here to pick a fight?" Her friend told her. "What is her problem, really? Talk to her nga." 

Naomi looked at me with so much disappointment. She sighed heavily and put her drink on the table before pulling me on my wrist. Nang makalayo na kami, binitawan niya 'ko at sinamaan ng tingin. I couldn't talk when I saw how mad she was. 

"Ano ba, Sam? What's the problem now? What did my friends do to you, huh?! Are you planning to push them away from me too?! Do you really want me to end up alone?!" She was so mad. 

"No, I was just-" 

"Cut it out, Samantha! Stop meddling in my life!" She looked like she wanted to cry out of frustration. I kept my mouth shut. "Can't you see that the more you try to meddle, the more you push everyone away from me! Dad, your mom, and now, my friends?! Sino pa ang isusunod mo?! Jaron?! You're trying to keep him away from me, too, right?!" 

I bit my lower lip and looked down at the floor without saying anything. There was no point in explaining because she was too mad. I knew she wouldn't accept any explanation right now. I will just wait for her to calm down or babawi na lang ako sa birthday niya. Sinasara ng mga tao ang tainga nila kapag galit sila. Any word I will utter would be useless. 

At least ngayon alam ko na kung ano ang nararamdaman niya. She blamed me for the treatment of my mom and also for my dad having his favorites. Ako lang ang pinapakilala sa public, leaving her behind. Her anger was misplaced, but if I were in her place, I would be mad at me too. It was frustrating. 

"Please, just stop, okay?! Just trying to be the good sister... It does not suit you," she told me before walking away. 

I remained standing there, exhaling the breath I was holding for too long. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked up to stop my tears from falling. Nang tumulo ang luha ko, pinunasan ko kaagad using the back of my hand. I inhaled and exhaled before going back to our table, smiling as if nothing happened. 

"Hey! Babalik na tayo?" I asked them with a smile plastered on my face. They nodded, so we started cleaning the table before leaving. I also made sure I was carrying the lunch box with me. It was the only good thing that happened today. 

My mind was too clouded during our next class. I was thinking if I should really just stop meddling in her life. Maybe I should stop trying. Napapagod na 'ko. I didn't know what to do anymore. It was starting to get tiring. She clearly didn't want me to go near her. She didn't want me to care anymore. 

I should rest first, but I shouldn't stop trying. I knew at some point she would see that my intentions were clear and good. I was the only person she could trust because I wanted nothing but the best for her. 

To: Yanna

I feel tired haha :(

I sent that around noon, and she didn't reply. Maybe she was taking a nap. Pinagsisihan ko kaagad na tinext ko 'yon sa kanya. I wanted to take it back. I didn't want her to worry about me too. She should just worry about herself and the baby. I didn't want to stress her out, especially when she was pregnant. 

My class finished around five, and it was the exact time I received a message from my mother. I closed my eyes and massaged my head before reading it. 

From: Mom

I sent you three dresses for an event this Friday. Pick something that will suit you. Make sure you will look elegant in that dress. 

I was about to drive myself home, but I was still too drained, so I sent Clyden a text that I would be late home. I went to my condo instead and just drank beer alone on my balcony while looking at the view. I already had three bottles when I got a call from Luna. 

[Saan ka?] bungad niya sa 'kin. Medyo maingay pa sa background niya. [Nasa Katip kami! Walang class tomorrow!] 

"Yeah," I said after realizing the date. "Buong Manila ba? Or kayo lang?" 

[I think kasama kayo! Anyway, bored na kami rito nina Ke! Punta kami diyan! Nasa condo mo ba ikaw? Kasama rin namin si Sevirous!] She sounded excited. Narinig ko pa ang boses ni Sevi sa tabi niya. Palagi na silang magkakasama. Sevi would always skip drinks because he was an athlete and kami lang naman girls palagi ang magkakasama. Madalas, si Sevi at Arkin ang palaging magkasama. Now we couldn't even reach the other guy. 

"Come here. Nasa condo ako," I told her. "Bring drinks. I'm having a bad day." 

[Ay, true ba? Ano'ng nangyari, sis?] She sounded concerned. 

"Nothing. Just school stuff," I lied. "Anyway, hurry up!" 

She said okay before ending the call. I went back inside my unit to clean while waiting for them. I was surprised Luna offered to come to my condo, knowing her ex lived in the same building. I laughed by myself before taking my phone out to inform Clyden that I would be drinking with my friends since wala namang class tomorrow. 

From: Clyden

Okay. Ingat ka. Huwag kang umuwi kapag hindi mo kaya. Diyan ka na matulog. Huwag ka na mag-drive. 

I smiled and typed 'okay.' Tinago ko na kaagad ang phone ko nang marinig ang boses nila Luna sa pinto. I opened the door for them and welcomed them with a smile but Luna welcomed me with a hug instead. Gulat akong napaatras bago siya niyakap pabalik. 

"Love you," she whispered before letting me go. She smiled at me before going inside my condo. 

Pumasok na rin si Ke, Via, at Sevi. Kumpleto pala sila. I closed the door again and watched them invade my unit. Nilapag ni Sevi ang mga alak sa coffee table at sinimulan na nilang buksan 'yon. I leaned against my study table and watched them talk about some funny stuff. All of them were still sober. Wala 'atang epekto ang ininom nila. 

"Hoy, Sev! Ako na kasi magbubukas! Bobo ka magbukas, eh!" Inagaw ni Luna ang opener. I smiled while watching them fight. 

"Ako, bobo lang magbukas. Ikaw bobo ka bukas tsaka sa susunod na bukas," ganti ni Sevi. 

"Dami mong alam!" Luna rolled her eyes. 

Kierra was busy talking to Via. Narinig ko pang si Arkin ang pinag-uusapan nilang dalawa. Hindi na namin siya nakikita. He was part of the group, too, pero sobrang busy niya na ngayon. Si Via or Sevi na lang ang palagi niyang kasama. The best friends. 

"Busy 'yon sa taping. Hindi ko na masyadong nakakausap," Sevi said when Kierra asked him about Arkin. "Baka si Via nakakausap niya." 

Via just shrugged, refusing to give an answer. I bit my lower lip to hide a smile when she reached for the bottle of beer to take a gulp. She looked mad again. Palagi na 'ata silang nag-aaway, ah? 

I looked at the door when I heard a knock. Luna said she ordered something through Grab food so ako na ang nag-offer buksan ang pinto. I was expecting a guy in uniform, but I saw a woman in a grey tee and black leggings instead. 

"What the hell," I whispered, leaving my lips parted. 

"Okay ka lang? Ano 'yong text mo?" Yanna looked so worried in front of me. 

"Sam, sino 'yan?" Luna yelled inside. "'Yan na ba 'yong Grab? Wait, kuhanin ko 'yong pambayad ko!" 

Yanna's eyes widened when she realized that I wasn't alone in my unit. I immediately closed the door behind me and held on to the doorknob, still staring at Yanna with wide eyes. What the hell, bakit narito siya?! 

"Did you go to Manila alone?!" I asked, getting concerned. "How?! Why did you do that?! You should have called me! I would have picked you up!" 

"Nag-bus ako. Nagmamadali ako dahil sa text mo. Akala ko kung ano n'ang nangyari sa 'yo," she explained. 

"Sino'ng kasama mo? My god, Yanna!" 

"Ako lang, bakit? Marunong naman ako mag-commute! Hindi mo sinabing nandiyan sila! Tinetext kita kanina pa, ah!" She pointed at my face, panicking. 

My eyes widened when the door suddenly opened. "Sam, eto 'yong bayad sa-" 

Luna suddenly stopped talking when she saw Yanna in front of me. Nabitawan niya ang wallet niya, causing the coins to roll over the floor. Luna looked away and started getting the coins. Lumuhod din ako para tulungan siya while Yanna just stood there, unable to kneel down. 

"Oy, bakit ang tagal? Nasaan na 'yong pagka- Putang-!" Sevi stopped when he saw Yanna. "Hoy, buhay ka pa pala, ah?! Bakit hindi ka nagpapakita?!" 

"Hindi pala Grab," sabi ni Luna pagkaayos ng tayo. Pumasok na kaagad siya sa loob at sumunod sa kanya si Sevi. 

I looked at Yanna and gave her an apologetic smile. "Do you want to go inside?" I carefully asked. 

She shook her head. "Natatakot ako." 

I walked towards her and held her hand to make her feel that I was with her. I knew she was scared to tell everyone the truth. She was ashamed and scared to be judged again dahil sa buong buhay niya, walang ginawa ang mga tao kung hindi husgahan siya. She was the bravest, but even the bravest could break down. 

"Come on." I slowly pulled her inside my unit, and she nodded. She closed the door behind her before we walked towards the living room, where everyone was waiting. No one talked when they saw Yanna with me. "Hey, guys. Uh, Yanna's here." 

Yanna bit her lower lip and looked away, unable to talk. Everyone was quiet, and no one dared to talk. Via stared at Yanna before her eyes went down to her tummy. The baby bump was already visible through her tee. Mas naging halata pa when Yanna put her hands behind her. Kierra was looking down at the floor while Luna and Sevi were trying to busy themselves with the bottle. 

"B-buntis ka?" Via asked with so much surprise. 

Everyone suddenly looked at Yanna in shock. Bumaba ang tingin nila sa tiyan niya, making her conscious. 

"Sorry," Yanna whispered. "Na... Nagkamali-" 

She didn't finish her sentence because Luna suddenly stood up and ran towards her to give her a tight hug. I suddenly became worried for the baby, but Yanna seemed fine when she hugged her back, trying to stop the tears from falling. 

Kierra stood up and joined the hug too. I let go of Yanna's hand so she could hold them in her arms. I heard Luna crying on her shoulder, saying how sorry she was for getting mad at her. 

"I'm sorry, it's just that... You were suffering alone, and we didn't even know," Luna cried, letting go of her so she could wipe her tears. "I'm so sorry." 

"Hindi ko naman pinasabi kay Sam. Natatakot kasi ako..." Yanna's voice broke. She looked up to stop her tears from falling. "Na baka sabihin n'yo na ang tanga ko... na dapat in-expect ko na 'to dahil sa ginagawa ko." 

"Huwag mong sabihin 'yan." Via gave her a hug. "We're sorry for making you want to hide your pregnancy from us. Naiintindihan namin." 

"Sorry." Yanna started crying, making me so worried for her. Kumuha kaagad ako ng baso ng tubig para ibigay sa kanya. "Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin kasi hanggang ngayon, ang sakit-sakit pa rin sa 'kin." 

"Sino'ng..." Kierra wanted to ask about the father, but she stopped herself. "Nevermind. Hindi na 'yon mahalaga. We can be the father of your child!" 

"Ako na tatay niyan, payag ako," Sevi added, letting out a teasing smile. "Gusto mo, Yanna? Willing naman ako!"

"Gago ka talaga." Yanna stopped crying to hit Sevi with the pillow. "Ano'ng ituturo mo sa anak ko, ha? Kagaguhan mo?" 

"Kapal nito, oh! Baka ako talaga tatay niyan, ah?! Nabuntis 'ata kita sa first kiss natin, eh," Sevi continued teasing to make everyone laugh. 

"Bobo ka, Sevi," Yanna said, laughing. I made her drink a glass of water before wiping her tears with my handkerchief. 

"Sorry talaga," Luna said, still crying. Sevi started laughing at her for crying so hard. "Kung alam ko lang, sana hindi na kita pinaparinggan sa group chat na missing in action palagi. Hindi ko alam na may... may pinagdadaanan ka pala. Sorry." 

"Lasing ba 'to?" Yanna asked me, pointing at Luna.

"Inom mo 'yan!" Sevi teased Luna again.

"Para kang gago, Sevi! Sinisira mo moment ko, eh!" Binato siya ni Luna ng sapatos na napulot niya sa sahig. 

Yanna sat with Kierra, and they talked about her pregnancy. Via and Kierra looked so worried and hurt for her. It made me happy that they made Yanna feel welcomed and accepted. It was what she needed. 

"Mahal mo?" Kierra asked. 

"Oo naman." Yanna tried to hide her pain with a laugh. She looked down on the floor and suddenly remembered her memories with him. "Wala akong pinagsisisihan pagdating sa kanya, Ke. Kahit ulitin pa lahat ng nangyari sa amin, gagawin at gagawin ko ulit. Ganoon ko siya kamahal." 

My lips parted when her words gave me an idea of love, the thing Clyden was asking before. I sat with them and started listening to their stories, realizing how strong love was. 

"Hindi ko masasabing ganyan din ang nararamdaman ko," Luna said, about to cry again. "Nakakainggit naman kasi kung ako ang papapiliin, kung uulitin ko lahat, huwag na lang dahil masyadong masakit. Ang tapang mo, Yanna." 

"Kung bibigyan ako ng pagkakataon ulitin lahat, mas gugustuhin ko ring lumayo na lang. May mga pagmamahal na maganda, katulad sa 'yo, at may mga pangit katulad ng akin," Kierra also said. "Ikaw ba, Sevi?" 

"Ako, uhm..." Sevi pretended that he was thinking before smiling. "Uulitin ko pa rin kahit masaktan. 'Yong pagmamahal ko kasi, kahit masakit sa 'kin, okay lang! Minsan kasi, kuntento ka na na makita mo siyang masaya at nakakapagbigay ka ng pagmamahal sa tao. Masaya ka na rin sa mga simpleng ganoon lang. Tangina kasi ng pag-ibig! Hindi pwedeng masaya lang. Kailangan masakit din." 

Contentment, sacrifice, pain. Mixing them together was my idea of love based on what they said. Suddenly, I felt brave to face it. Watching how Yanna and Luna talked about their experience made me feel so many things. 

"Wala akong alam diyan," Via said, shaking her head a little. "Salamat na lang sa lahat." 

"Weh? Sure?" pang-aasar ni Luna. "Baka 'di mo lang alam-"

"Inom mo 'yan, Luna," pigil ni Sevi. Natawa naman sina Yanna. 

Kumuha ako ng bote ng beer bago ako lumabas sa balcony. I immediately felt the cold air hitting on my face when I opened the door. Sinandal ko ang siko ko sa railings habang nakatingin sa mga ilaw. Everyone looked happy, but deep down I knew they were also suffering like me. 

I heard the sliding door open, but I didn't bother looking back. Yanna was suddenly beside me, holding a glass of water and leaning against the railings without looking at me. 

"Kumusta?" she asked like it was her first time seeing me after so many days. 

I gave her a glance and a fake smile before looking away again. The air was so cold, matching the gloom I was feeling inside for so many reasons. The harshness of the cold was suddenly replaced with warmth when Yanna wrapped her arms around me for a hug. I leaned my head on her shoulder while she caressed my hair. 

"Dito lang ako," she whispered. 

I nodded. "I know," I whispered back. 

I didn't know how to say it. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano ba ang nararamdaman ko. I just felt tired of caring. I felt tired of trying. Sila na lang at si Clyden ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagpapatuloy. 

I suddenly wished I was hugging him. I knew he would make me feel so much better. 

"Do I love him?" I asked Yanna. "How did you know that you were already in love with Hiro?" 

"Hmm, paano nga ba?" Yanna sighed. "Siguro simula noong nasasaktan na 'ko sa bawat halik niya kasi iniisip ko na baka hanggang doon na lang. Baka hanggang doon na lang ako. Kami. Pero hindi naman 'to maga-apply sa 'yo, eh. Kung gusto mong malaman kung mahal mo siya, harapin mo." 

"And what if he doesn't feel the same way?" I asked her again. 

"Narinig mo ba sinabi ni Sevi? Okay lang 'yon. Nagmamahal ka lang naman, Sam." She tapped my shoulder and gave me a smile. 

"Kayo muna rito. May pupuntahan ako," I told Yanna. "I'll be back tomorrow. Just stay here." 

"Go lang." She gave me a smile and a thumbs-up. "Go home to him." 

That was what I did. I think I was ready to face him. Him, at least. Sa susunod na ang ibang tao. I was ready to open up to him. I was ready to share my life with him. 

I was sober. The beer didn't have any effect on me, so I drove home safely. When I went inside the house, I wasn't expecting to see him in the living room, watching a cooking video while taking down notes. 

"Hirap naman," he told Summer. "The sweet and sour was easier." 

I smiled and suddenly walked towards him, placing my bag on the coffee table. His eyes widened when he saw me. Nag-panic kaagad siya at pinatay ang TV bago tumayo. 

"Akala ko hindi ka uuwi," he said, looking like I caught him doing something unusual. 

"Well, I'm here now." I gave him a smile. 

His face changed when he saw my expression. "Okay ka lang ba?" 

I suddenly had the urge to cry. I bit my lower lip and looked away. I failed to contain my emotions inside me when he suddenly wrapped me around his arms for a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist in return and leaned my head on his chest. 

"Shush," he whispered. 

"I'm tired." I cried on his chest. 

"I'm sorry." He kissed the top of my head repeatedly to calm me down. "I'm here. What's our problem, love?" 

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:)