Suddenly, warm arms embraced his cold body and a painfully familiar smell enveloped him. He wanted to shake off her hands and shout at her to leave. He couldn't bear another mirage of her that came from his imagination. But he had no strength to fight himself any longer. Weak and exhausted, he pressed himself against her and tried to find peace with her for a moment. Gently, her fingers stroked his hair. Slowly the realisation seeped through to him that her touch, her scent and her warmth were too real for the cruel tricks of his mind. Yet he still did not trust his own senses enough. Silent and motionless he lingered, but she stayed with him and did not leave him as she had the countless times before.
"Are you really here?" he croaked hoarsely from crying and he felt her pull him closer.
"I'm here, my heart, and I'm never leaving," she promised softly, and his thoughts cleared. For the first time in weeks, he was able to relax completely and slipped into a blissful, dreamless sleep.

The next time he opened his eyes, she was still there. Her arms still wrapped him like a protective blanket. Her fingers traced invisible patterns on his face. Regularly and strongly her heartbeat in her chest and fascinated he listened to this sound that seemed so much more real to him than his own heartbeat. Lazy as a sleepwalker, he turned his head so that he could finally look at her again. Immediately her hands stopped. In her eyes he read nothing but love and understanding. Wordlessly, he straightened up and pressed his lips to hers, searching for support. As soon as her heady taste exploded in his mouth, he felt like a drowning man finally breaking the surface and getting fresh air. Suddenly she flinched and he hesitantly broke away from her.
"Are you all right?" he asked anxiously, and her soft laughter dispelled the last shreds of darkness clouding his thoughts.
"It's the baby," she explained softly and as he eyed her worriedly, her eyes softened. "By now it's not prodding, it's kicking quite hard"
As if to prove it, she placed his hand on her belly and as the child moved, he understood what she had been trying to describe to him. This feeling was indescribable. Slowly his mind adjusted to her needs, and he wondered how long she had been sitting beside him on the cold floor. Wasn't the air far too hot and stuffy? With a leap he jumped up, pulled back the curtains and pushed open the window. The full moon shone pale and glaring into his eyes, while soft, fresh air brushed past him into the room. Questioningly, he turned to her, but she sat motionless like a statue, watching him. Dark shadows lay under her eyes. Immediately he was with her again and offered her his hand. Her delicate fingers sought a hold on him as she rose with difficulty. Wordlessly, he led her to the bed and pulled her with him onto the neatly draped sheets. As soon as their heads touched the pillow, their eyes fell shut and they fell asleep, tightly embraced.

The teasing tickle of the sun's rays woke him the next morning and relieved, he felt the weight of Aurelia's arm on his chest. She was still with him. Carefully he slipped out of bed, threw on a tunic and hastily tied his sandals. On the threshold, he paused and turned to face her once more. Her long hair spilled tangled over her pillow and her face showed deep, inner peace. She was still wearing her clothes from the day before and no dress in the world would be able to hide her pregnancy at this point. Coming back must have cost her a lot of strength. After a small eternity, he was able to tear himself away from the sight of her and noiselessly surveyed the damage he had done two days ago. The living room was already being quietly tidied up by Aurelia's girl. As a precaution, he locked the door of his private study. The documents he kept there were for his and Aurelia's eyes only. He would clean up his mess later.
Outside the door to his chambers, he found Suetonius and Clemens, the latter barely able to look him in the eye. At first Gaius did not want to go into it, but then he paused, turned slowly to Clemens and eyed him waitingly. Clemens' Adam's apple bounced nervously up and down. Suddenly he lifted his head backwards and confessed quietly: "Please forgive me, Gaius, for disobeying your orders. She was completely terrified and threatened to take one of the horses if I did not help her. I could not risk her carrying out her threat."
Gaius smiled quietly to himself at the notion. Nothing and no one could stop his wife if she set her mind to something.
"My orders were to protect her, not hold her," Gaius said thoughtfully, his lips twisting into a fine smile. "And that is exactly what you did, my friend. Look at you, even at this very moment, standing at our door, carrying out your command."
Clemens nodded and Gaius turned on his heel. A daunting task awaited him, and he knew he could only face it because, thanks to Aurelia, his mind was finally clear. For a moment he considered visiting Drusilla, but as the memory of her pale face and lifeless eyes came to mind, he felt the darkness extend its greedy claws towards him. Once more he would not fall into that abyss. With swift steps, Gaius marched into his library, grabbed the scrolls he wanted and hurried to his official study, where Hesiod was already waiting for him.
"I do not want to be disturbed today, send away all visitors and supplicants," Gaius ordered as he placed the scrolls on his desk. "Inform me as soon as my wife wakes"
"Shall I have her woken, milord?" asked Hesiod quietly and Gaius looked up from his scrolls.
"No" he said in a cutting voice and added more quietly "She looks as if she hasn't slept properly for weeks. She needs rest and sleep."

For hours he immersed himself in various speeches, trying desperately to find the right words for Drusilla. Every now and then Hesiod would enter the room and relay Agrippina's and Julia's questions. At one point Gaius would have liked to shout at him that he didn't care about the colour of the flowers or the number of singers. He just wanted his sister back, he said. But he remained calm and was relieved that his sisters were able to help him. Around noon, Hesiod informed him that his entire family had arrived and were moving into the spare guest rooms so they could join Drusilla's train tomorrow. Gaius just nodded without looking up from his notes. By late afternoon he was satisfied with his speech and began to memorise it. As the sun slowly approached the horizon, he stood up and indicated to Hesiod to return the scrolls to their place. He had internalised his speech. Deaf and blind, he reached his chambers and as he entered the bedroom, the rays of the setting sun danced on Aurelia's hair. She was still asleep. Relieved, he noticed that the dark shadows under her eyes had almost completely disappeared. Just as Gaius was about to tiptoe out of the room, she opened her eyes, blinking, and when she spotted him, she gave him a radiant smile.
"Good morning," she greeted him, stifling a yawn. Amused, he watched her slowly sit up and decided against raising her. She still looked exhausted. Instead of making fun of her, he inquired if she was hungry. Aurelia tilted her head, frowned and listened deeply. Then she nodded slowly and asked, "Cocoa comes from Latin America, doesn't it?"
Irritated, Gaius frowned. Her words made no sense. Aurelia just nodded, rose heavily and began to brush her hair.
"How are you?" she inquired anxiously, eyeing him insistently. Gaius shrugged his shoulders.
"How do you want me to feel?" he murmured in an occupied voice. "I no longer have the feeling of sinking."
In mid-motion her fingers paused and only now did he notice how badly she was trembling. Slowly approaching her, he took the brush from her hand and gently ran it through her dishevelled hair. "I still can't believe she-"
But his voice broke and he tried to push his sadness aside. Tomorrow he would let it flow into his speech, that way he could create something and not just cause destruction. Hesitantly, Aurelia put her arms around him and snuggled close.
"I'm glad you're here," he confessed softly, and she breathed a kiss on his cheek.

Dinner with his family was the quietest he had ever attended. No one said a word because everyone was preoccupied with their own thoughts. Agrippina had excused herself and Julia got up in the middle of the third course and left the room without a word. Gaius did not notice the taste of the different dishes. At some point there was only Aurelia and him in the room. She scowled at the dessert - globuli, his grandmother loved Cato Maior's recipe.
"In Tusculum, your cook served me these things with every meal," Aurelia said, curling her lips. Thoughtfully, he took one of the balls. Aurelia just sighed and mumbled something unintelligible.
"Let's go to bed," Gaius suggested after a while and Aurelia nodded languidly. Hand in hand they left the triclinium.

The next morning, Aurelia was gone when he woke up. Searching, he sat up and scanned the room with his eyes. His black toga already lay ready on his chest. He stared listlessly at the dark garment. Tentatively, slowly, the door opened, and Aurelia entered quietly. He lifted his head languidly and eyed her. Her hair was still slightly damp from the bath she had just taken. Her skin shimmered softly in the warm sunlight. Why couldn't it rain cats and dogs on a day like today? She was covered from head to toe in black, which made her fair skin and the unruly strands of hair peeking out of the ricinium look even brighter. As she brushed the unruly strands from her face, her wedding ring flashed. She wore no other jewellery.
"It's time, love," she whispered softly and sat on the edge of the bed. Sighing, he closed his eyes and struggled for breath. He heard Aurelia shift her weight beside him and the next moment he felt her soft lips against his neck. For a moment he enjoyed her closeness and warmth, then he opened his eyes and flung back the covers.
"I'll wait for you in the atrium," she murmured, "take your time."
The fabric rattled, her footsteps echoed off the walls, the door clicked softly into the lock. Then she was gone. Silently, heads bowed, his slaves entered the room and helped him into his toga. With each fold draped around him, the realisation slowly filtered through to him that he was indeed preparing for his sister's funeral. She was really dead. She would never again flirt shamelessly with senators while their wives stood by. She would never again drag him, Agrippina and Julia outside to dance in the rain. She would never again roll her eyes when he acted more like her father than her brother, four years her senior. She would never make him laugh again with one of her whimsical stories. Drusilla was dead because he couldn't protect her, even though he had promised his father he would.
Like a sleepwalker, he walked out of the chambers and through the familiar corridors. Although his whole family was gathered in the atrium, all wrapped in black, waiting for him, he only noticed Aurelia. Not a tear ran down her face, yet her features radiated a deep, silent sadness. Questioningly, she offered him her hand and immediately he slipped his fingers between hers. Her touch was warm and familiar and the ache inside him eased a tiny bit. Somehow, he would get through the day. With her by his side.
On the sidelines, he registered the many people watching their procession with grieving faces. Most of them joined them. The chants of the mourners were so devastating that with each step his mask threatened to slip more and more. Agrippina sobbed quietly to herself; Julia did not even bother to keep her emotions in check. Aurelia walked quietly beside him and gave him support. Every now and then he glanced at the barre where his little niece and Drusilla lay, creating one last illusion of life for them all. Fortunately, Gaius could not see the bearers with the death masks of his ancestors - even so, he knew that too many spirits from his past were gathered in one place today. Soon Drusilla would join those shadows. At the Roman Forum, the procession came to a halt and Gaius took a deep breath. His people he had to face alone. Slowly, he let go of Aurelia's hand and climbed the steps of the Rostra. About a year ago, he had already stood on this spot and delivered a laudatio funebris to a deceased relative. This time the tears that ran down his cheeks were real. In his mind, Gaius ran through the various rooms in his home, for he had assigned each component of his speech to a particular room. In his imagination, Aurelia filled each of these rooms with life and light. Her gentle smile confirmed him to continue. By the time he had finished speaking to his sister, the sun was high in the sky, and it was oppressively hot. In thanks for his sympathy, he nodded to his people, then left the Rostra and rejoined his wife. Beads of sweat glistened on her forehead.
"Are you all right?" he inquired anxiously, grasping her hand. Aurelia squeezed his hand placatingly and wiped the tears from her face with her other hand. With its familiar, dignified leisureliness, the procession started moving again. Silently, the crowd from the city followed them.
When Aurelia and he reached the pyre, the barre was already draped on it. Shortly afterwards, a slave handed him a torch and Gaius stepped out of the protection of his family towards the pyre, his heart pounding. His gaze fell on Drusilla's pale face. The crowd disappeared. In her arms was his tiny niece, who had lived only a few minutes on this earth. Mother and daughter looked so peaceful, almost as if they were sleeping. Mors soror somni est, came to his mind. Death is the brother of sleep. Gentle fingers closed around the torch and turned it firmly out of his hand. The flames bathed her face in an eerie light.
"Hail and farewell, sister," she whispered in a quivering voice. Tears shimmered in her eyes as she dropped the torch on the pyre, and he was able to pull her away just in time before the oil bags exploded and his sister's human shell burst into flames. Slowly the crowd dispersed. The wailing women fell into an even more melancholy ballad as he watched in the circle of his family in the shade of an ancient oak tree as Drusilla and her child were consumed by the flames. He felt his pain and welcomed it like an old friend, but he was not overcome by it.
As a slave pressed the remains of his wife and daughter into Marcus' hands in the form of an unadorned urn, Gaius felt his tears slowly drain away. Drusilla had crossed over into the realm of the shadows.

A month had passed since Drusilla's death, and she was missing. He often lay awake at night and told Aurelia stories from his childhood. The memories helped him deal with his grief.
Hiding his irony, he let his gaze sit over the assembled senators. For today was the day he had longed for so much a month ago. Now Aurelia's absence seemed like a bad dream.
Gaius stood up from his curule chair with great dignity and raised his hand. Immediately the assembled senators fell silent.
"Let us begin, gentlemen," he said, giving the floor to his second consul. The discussion had not been going on long when it suddenly grew darker in the temple. Irritated, Gaius looked out through the open gates onto the forum. At that moment it began to rain in torrents. Thunder rumbled from the distance. His gaze fell from Vespasian, who whispered something in the ear of Vespasius Pollio, who then turned to watch the sudden storm. The next moment, chaos broke loose. Everything rushed towards the exit.
"Enough!" shouted Gaius and finally silence returned. Kindlier, he added, "Calm down, gentlemen. Let us wait until the storm has passed and continue the vote afterwards."
Amid murmurs of agreement, the senators returned to their seats and conversations flared up everywhere. Hopefully the storm will pass soon, and I can go back home, Gaius thought, massaging his throbbing temples.
After a while, he rose from his chair and strolled towards the exit. There the air was clearer and cooler. What a relief after the sultriness of the past weeks. Fascinated, Gaius watched the lightning flashing across the sky. Soon he lost all sense of time.
Bright and crashing, lightning struck near his house and although he had little faith in the old stories, he felt that Jupiter had sent him a sign at that moment. Only he did not yet know which one.