"Imagine: you've been told you can finally adopt a child but don't know how to tell Audrey"

warnings: panic attack/also guest appearance from Vanilla Muffin™

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

"Noah, please watch the road a little more carefully please? I'd like to actually make it home to tell her."

Noah was grinning widely and couldn't contain his excitement, gripping and ungripping the steering wheel over and over again. He was showing more emotional reaction to the situation than you were, making him slightly concerned, unbeknownst to you.

"So why don't you just call her? How are you holding back right now?" He was looking at you from the corner of his eye, earning him a glare from you. You didn't quite trust Noah driving but he wouldn't let you drive him.

You were a bit of a mess anyway, shaking slightly and unfocused. "Noah, that isn't something you just say over the phone. I haven't figured out how to tell her yet, okay?" you snapped at him.

Noah turned onto a quiet road and you groaned, realizing he was about to meddle in your life a bit more than he already had. He had been pushing it when he forced you tell him why you needed a ride home from work before you had even gone inside. Audrey had needed the car that day, so after dropping you off when you received the call, you had quickly texted Noah.

There was no way you could focus after that phone call.

"I thought you would be excited about this? This is everything the two of you wanted, Y/N. I remember how Audrey used to tell me over and over again about how much she never wanted children. I couldn't believe how quickly that changed after she met you. This is good news," he said enthusiastically, his fingers drumming against the steering wheel.

You ran your fingers through your hair and sighed, staring out the window to watch the suburban houses pass by.

"It would have been good news three years ago, a year ago, seven months ago. But then we gave up, Foster. We gave up and there's just been this... sadness where the hope used to be. I can't tell if she still wants to be with me, let alone raise a child."

Noah instantly pulled of the car and undid his seat belt, turning to you with a determined look. "Y/N, I understand why your mind is going to these places. This whole situation has been unbelievably stressful for the both of you. Audrey has suffered a lot ever since we all left Lakewood though. A year may seem like a enough time to move on, but you have to remember she is leaving memories of her mother, her friends, even Rachel. She needs joy in her life just like you do."

Noah was making more sense than you had expected, making you begin to believe that he possibly had things figured out. Who knew the tame, stupidly awkward kid you had begrudgingly befriended in college would turn out to be a confidant? Lately it had seemed like Noah was the one person who was still rooting for you and Audrey.

You hugged your knees to your chest after unclipping your seat belt and laid your head back with a sigh. Everything was so complicated but all you could think was "Wow, Audrey and I could actually raise a child." It was such a strange thought, no matter how many times you had lied in bed with your fingers laced through hers, talking about all the things you wanted to do if you were to have a child.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

"What would we name the child if it was a girl?" You both knew very well that the baby could possibly already have a name. But that was something that most couples got to discuss, so why not you?

"Something gender neutral, I wouldn't want them to have to change their name or anything if the name was too gender specific. It would also have to be something bad ass."

You nodded against the pillow and stretched out your legs, your toes going over the end of the bed. Somehow you and Audrey had found yourselves in the middle of the bed, your legs tangled together.

"What about the name of someone you lost, you know, before I met you." Audrey stiffened but thought about your suggestion for a moment. She had just gotten a hair cut that morning and her bangs were slightly curled into her eyes from the product in it. You used your fingers to brush it out of the way and let your hand just rest on the side of her face.

Audrey covered your hand with hers, her thumb massaging your soft skin. "I couldn't just choose to honour one of them without the rest. And I don't want this looming sense of death around me anymore. I still carry my mother and Rachel with me too close to my heart."

"Oh, Audrey. I'm sorry I really didn't mean–" She moved her head forward a bit and placed a kiss on your mouth to shut you up, her lips brushing against your teeth. You laughed and moved your hand to her waist, letting her skin warm your cool fingers.

"Can you imagine lying here with a child snuggled between us? You would laugh at everything they'd do and I would take videos of every moment. They'd cry, you'd probably cry too, and I would get incredibly stressed out so we would take a drive. I'd hold you hand, like this," she said calmly, grabbing your hand from her waist. "And we'd drive on the edge of the town while talking about nothing."

You pressed your lips tight together and tried to hold back the tears that you didn't want to acknowledge. Audrey always did tease you for being a bit of a crier. You were blissfully happy, visualizing that life with her.

But if felt so far away.

"We'll get there, right?"

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

"There you are! I thought you were supposed to be home twenty minutes ago? I got a call from your work and they said you didn't show up? Y/N what is happening?"

Audrey was clearly worried, her fingers shoving through her slightly knotted hair. You sighed and watched her pace for a moment, not knowing how to even begin. There were so many ways you wanted the conversation to go, so many ways to begin. You didn't know how you were supposed to speak clearly or stay level headed though.

This was the rest of your lives. You couldn't screw it up.

"Audrey, I'm okay. We just have a few things we need to discuss. You see, I got this call today and–"

Audrey slapped her hand against the kitchen table, startling you. It wasn't as aggressive as it was a statement, a loud plea for help that you recognized instantly. Audrey wasn't okay.

"Is this is? Is this where you finally tell me that it's over, that I'm not worth it anymore? I know it's been coming. I know you've been thinking it. The way you look at me like I can't give you what you want anymore is getting impossible to bear," she yelled.

You flinched and took a step back, surprised by how upset she really was. She never lashed out like that, never with so much emotion before. You knew that things had been tough lately but her problems were clearly more unresolved than you had thought.

"Audrey, I would never do that to you. I would never think that about you. I'm not hear to bring bad news, I love you."

Her brows furrowed and she took long breaths, her chest heaving slightly. You knew that she was trying to suppress a panic attack. She hadn't had one in nearly two years, making you question whether or not there was something else she was keeping to herself.

"What's happening to us?" The desperation in her voice impacted you the most, making it feel like pins and needles were pricking at your skin. You wanted to fold her in your arms and let her know that no matter what she said or thought, you wouldn't ever let her go.

You settled for grabbing her hand, your fingers massaging her shaking fingers and spreading warmth through her cold skin. All the times she had done this for you flashed through your mind. All the times she had been there to calm you down.

"Audrey, we've spent so long waiting for something unrealistic. We've let ourselves believe that we couldn't be complete without a child when in reality, what we really wanted was to complete a child. We don't need anyone or anything to be happy. We just want to share the happiness we have with someone we believe deserves it. We want to let our happiness do something good in the world. But we don't need anything else to be happy. I love you, Audrey."

Audrey's face contorted into a look of exhaustion mingled with regret. Her accusing gaze had softened and she looked almost at peace with your words. She had been looking for you to fight back, to finally push you over the edge so that if you left, she could say it was your fault instead of hers. But you would never let her push you over the edge.

You were standing on the edge with her.

"I'm sorry that we've become like this."

You nodded and leaned against the kitchen counter, sighing deeply. You wished that there was a way to have figured things out a long time ago, to have known what you had just discovered now. How long had you both been in pain, forgetting that the only thing you needed was each other?

"Can you just hold me for a moment, please?" That time when she spoke she sounded almost thankful that everything was out in the open. Holding everything in had gotten too hard to handle.

You nodded and took a step towards her, enveloping her body tightly. She melted into you and shuddered before beginning to cry silently. You rubbed her back slowly and waited for her to calm down. Audrey wasn't an overly emotionally person, but she had been known to break down every so often and you always had been there to catch her.

"Are we going to be okay?" Your voice was shakier than you had hoped even though you already knew the answer. You only asked because you needed the hear her say it just once.

"We're going to be okay," she responded, her words muffled by your shoulder. You hugged her even tighter and sighed into her body, completely bolded to her with no beginning or end.

"Audrey, today I got a phone call. A good one."

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

A/N: this is so unedited i'm cringing but my day has been horrid to good night my darlings