"No, no... It hurts too much, I can't- I have to sit down-"

My eyes popped open wide as I suddenly lost my balance and in a silent scream fell down onto the bed, but mid-fall I was caught under the arms again by Frankie. He was looking at me in deep concern, his mouth open, too. Slowly, he rested me back onto the baby life saver on the bed. I breathed deeply, my hand on my chest and the other over my mouth in embarrassment.

Before me was a front-wheeled walker, spread out and waiting. It was an expensive medical device, but Frankie spared no expense. This made me blush even more.

"We've got time. Don't worry about it. Just take your time. No rush," Paulie said, on the other side of me. Both of them were here to take me home. Or rather...to my new home. Paulie's home. He'd told me all about it over the past week, my last week in the hospital. Now it was time to go there, but this walker.

This walker was my most divine enemy and my dearest friend.

Walking. I had come to hate walking. The pain-

"Okay, I'll try again," I sighed, looking down towards my lap in embarrassment. Frankie's gentle hand appeared on my back again, and Paulie took his position behind the walker, making grabby hands to hold me in a standing position should I need it. We'd done this over ten times already and now it was just sad. Every time made me feel even worse, even more awful for putting them in this position.

Before I could dwell on my feelings any more, I lifted myself painfully off the life saver. The throbbing started immediately, the unhappy flesh telling me absolutely not. You will absolutely not do this, I refuse! The only thing I could equate it to would be a nightmare monster taking me by the bottom and tearing away.

"Oh god, no wait-!" I began, but Paulie already had me by the shoulders. "No, wait-!" and Frankie had me by my back. I had no choice but to grab the sides of the walker, lean on the walker. They weren't listening to me. Like I wasn't even talking.

"Good girl," Paulie said in a tender way, his hands soft on my shoulders, "good girl, you don't have to step, just stand. That's it."

"It's okay, you're doing great," I heard Frankie in my left ear, "I'm here for you, I won't let you fall again."

And for both of them I tried to hold strong. Tiny pain tears formed at the edges of my eyes and I stared straight at Paulie who was staring into me with a kind determination. "You're doing good," Paulie assured me, echoing Frankie. It felt like ages. We were standing here for ages. My legs were shaking. They were so weak after just a few weeks in that bed. How was that possible? How was I supposed to stand here like-

"I can't do it!" I burst into tears, my legs shaking too much, in pain too much. I was overwhelmed. It was too much.

And just like that, Frankie had his arms around me from behind and was holding me up. I completely wasn't standing anymore, rather leaning on him. My legs weren't shaking anymore. But the pain remained. It was building up and I didn't know what to do.

"You did good. That's all. You can use the wheelchair. You just can't use the wheelchair all the time. You know what my apartment's like. But we'll manage," Paulie explained softly.

"It hurts too much," was all I could whimper back to him. My body seemed to only want to communicate that I needed to sit down again.

"I'm going to sit you down. You ready?" Frankie whispered into my ear. I nodded desperately and he adjusted himself to be beside me again, but supporting me no less. Like this, he lowered me back onto the life saver.

That life saver. It really was a life saver. Genesis and Sylvia had been right. Where would I have been without Sylvia? But then I swallowed, knowing. I wouldn't be here without Sylvia. Without her advice, telling me about the surgeries. All of it, I wouldn't be here.

I couldn't figure out how I felt about that yet. Only a week ago among many other weeks here, I'd regretted all of this. What I had done to myself, my friends? And the pain. All the pain. But a few days ago, the reward. A few days ago, I'd been allowed to pee without any assistance device, on my own, without anybody there. And that feeling.

Part of me hated to admit it, but I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything in the world. The freedom, how natural yet strange it felt. I'd cried on that toilet after I'd finished, long rolling sobs. Confused tears. How wrong it was to have that surgery. How much guilt I felt, having to get more surgeries, costing Frankie so much money. Having to stay in this hospital, costing him yet more money. The same, because it was all real now. What we had talked about doing, me getting surgeries so we could... Do what exactly? Get married, go to Hawaii? It seemed so stupid. So selfish, so childish. Such a dream.

But here we were, closer. Since I could pee on my own, I could go home and I was scared. Terrified.

Were we still going to get married? What was going to happen exactly? Did he still want me... But looking at him now, how he touched me, looked at me so dearly. What was he thinking? What was he really thinking?

In the time I'd been occupied within myself, Paulie had rolled over the wheelchair and it was before me. Frankie lifted the walker, and put it to the side.

I'd opened my mouth to ask how I was supposed to stand to get into the chair without the walker, but in that moment my world swirled around me and I found myself in a curious position on top of the world as Frankie held me damsel in distress style. I observed Paulie taking the life saver and laying it on the wheelchair's seat and just like that it was over and my world became the same again as I was sat in the wheelchair. I was completely shocked, blushing hard.

Frankie. He'd surprised me again. Whenever I worried about him, he surprised me again and again. My heart was racing. He was so strong.

"Okay. We're going to the car now. Ready?" Paulie asked over my shoulder.

"Y-yeah," I breathed as I stared at Frankie's loving face, my hand over my wild heart.

I was in Paulie's bright pink car. The seat was tilted back slightly. We'd been parked behind the hospital for a while trying to get the seat in a position that let me have no pain. They'd been so patient with me. It made me quiet, reflecting on how much they both cared about me. Cared about me, even though I'd hurt them both so much, worried them to death. It seemed like they loved me incredibly more. I couldn't figure it out.

Now we were going slow among the Manhattan streets. It was a calm night. I had no idea what time it was, but judging by how few people were out I knew it had to be early in the morning, after bars and clubs had long closed. It made me press my lips together, close my eyes in more embarrassment.

We were going to Paulie's apartment in secrecy. They'd told me about this yesterday, but it hadn't become real until we were actually doing it. I was so sick of secrecy, but with a bit of a punch I realized that what I'd done was in part to erase the secrecy. Hadn't I gotten this surgery so that I could live my life? So Frankie and I could live our lives...that had been the original plan anyway. We'd made that plan so long ago, hiding in a bathroom, charged by grief. And now here we were, impossibly.

I closed my eyes and rolled my head to the side in the in the seat. I'd slept all day in preparation for this. Paulie had told me I would have to walk, so I'd saved all my energy. But now it was over. I could use the wheelchair.

In my mind, I was mapping out Paulie's apartment to see just where I'd have to use the walker and where I could roll, when warm, strong hands took my shoulders and my eyes snapped open. But like waves, these hands began to massage me and I closed my eyes, suddenly so tired. These strong hands. They were Frankie's. He was sitting behind me, unbothered by the angle of my leaned back seat. He was so gentle, unbothered by so many things. He was so lovely. I found my lip poking out in my emotion and I brought it back in by my teeth.

Frankie couldn't stay with me at Paulie's apartment, only make sure I was safely inside. That was the plan. But I wanted him to stay. I felt so safe with him. In this car, I felt so safe with both of them, really. I never wanted it to end. I wanted to stay in this car forever.

But end it did, as we rolled into Paulie's street. He eased into the parking spot, and I gripped my seat as he got out of the car. I heard him pop open the trunk and get the wheelchair out, heard it rolling up to my door. When he opened the door and I did not want to get out, and looking at the wheelchair and Paulie, I realized I had no idea how I would get out.

"Um," I said, unsure, as Paulie offered me his hands.

"It's going to be a tough couple of seconds, honey," he said apologetically, making grabbing motions with his hands like he had at the hospital, "but I'll support you up. It won't be entirely you." I jumped a little bit as Frankie squeezed my shoulder from the back. He was encouraging me, too. I pressed my lips together, overcome by their tender care again. I wanted to do it for them.

What followed was a blinding ten seconds. Blinding pain. I was howling, probably waking up everybody within a mile radius, I was sure. So much for secrecy. But they were both so patient with me.

"It's okay, it's okay!" Paulie called over me, grabbing me hard and swiftly. I was throbbing all over it seemed, my legs not expecting that either and giving me angry pain as well as everything else. But I was in the wheelchair again, on top of the life saver. My lungs were heaving.

In a matter of minutes, we were on our way. Frankie had my bags and walker behind us and Paulie was pushing me. "Fifth floor," he said as he pushed the button in the copper colored elevator for us. The elevator muzak was "Mrs. Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel. It seemed so awkward, too upbeat given our situation. But strangely it brought me back to reality, where I had been in a seeming cloud of a nightmare dream for the past near month. It brought me back to the real world, in spurred too real memory.

Cha Cha and I had seen the movie The Graduate around Christmas. I'd had my hand over Cha Cha's face for a lot of it. I didn't know what I'd been thinking bringing him to that movie. This muzak version of the song for that movie was making me remember Cha Cha's young face too clearly. And Cha Cha was reality. He was a child still, he wouldn't understand any of this. He'd be scared. What was I going to do? When would I see him again? I stared down at the elevator's tiled floor. No, really. When would I be able to see him again?

With a ding, the elevator door opened and Paulie rolled me out. I heard Frankie behind us, walking heavily with my things. We were a tiny parade going down the hallway, not making much noise. When we got to Paulie's door, he took out his keys and I watched him silently as he found the right one, a brass one, and poked it into the lock. I pressed my lips inside my mouth and licked them. They felt too dry. I realized how parched I was.

He wheeled me inside, and Frankie flipped on the lights. Frankie took over from here, wheeling me to Paulie's bedroom. I was confused, but I didn't protest. Where was Paulie going to sleep if I was going in here?

"I'll get the couch, you go sleep," was my startling answer from the living room. How had he known? I swallowed. He was my best friend, after all. Maybe he knew I'd be concerned about him. I always was.

Frankie lowered the walker to the floor from behind, slung over his shoulder. He set it down at the foot of the bed, not that there was much room in here for it. There was barely room for Paulie's twin bed and dresser. The window was open to the alley too, cool air coming through the screen. It took me a second to remember that it never did close, stuck forever no matter how hard we'd tried in the past to shove it closed. The screen had holes, too. The window opposite the alleyway was glowing yellow, a beige screen down. There were shadowy shapes beyond. Somebody was laughing loudly in there among the sounds from the street coming in.

Seeing my gaze, Frankie went over to the window. "Too cold?" he asked, bringing me back from my daze.

"Yeah, but-" and before I could say that window didn't close, he was shoving at the window's handles. Trying his darndest to get that window closed. I could see his face going red from here.

"Gosh darn it," he swore to himself, trying to force the window down repeatedly. I could see his lean shoulder and back muscles straining under his dress shirt. A strong blush rippled across my cheeks.

A laugh behind us made him turn around, stop. I didn't want him to stop even though I knew he wasn't going to get anywhere.

"That window is crooked. It doesn't close. It's just the way the building settled, I guess. I'll get the cardboard out from my closet and cover that gap up. Don't worry about it," Paulie smiled from the doorway.

"Oh. Okay, shoot," Frankie breathed hard, tuckered out from that.

"Yeah, sorry. Should have mentioned something," Paulie laughed. "Okay, girlie, let's get you in bed. You ready?"

I eyed the bed. It seemed so far away even though my knee was practically touching it from the chair. "No," I said quietly, looking down at my lap.

"I'll help you," Frankie assured me, now next to me again. It softened my heart, put me back into a dream. My lip poked out. But I wasn't ready.

"Don't you use that lip. It's not going to work," Paulie laughed, mock scolding me.

"Aww, honey pie," Frankie said so sweetly to me. He turned my chair to him and I gripped the edges of the arm rests unintentionally, bracing. Or rather, it seemed more like resisting, my entire body not wanting to move. Not wanting that pain again.

But his face went lovely at this. That kind, sensitive look. His eyes told me he loved me, never wanting me to be in pain. With this same face, he dipped my head down and leaned me forward. I felt his arm go under my knees, and suddenly I was in the air again, just like I'd been at the hospital. Except this time, I was hovering there. His warmth. I was pressed against his body, feeling his muscles tensed with my entire weight. Blushing so hard against him.

I curled my arms around his neck, pressed my face into him. I never wanted him to let me go. I felt so right like this, right here. So safe, protected. He was my strong, handsome man and I was his fragile, willing lady like this. It was too right. Finally right. I nuzzled my face into him, breathing in his apple scent, his clean scent from the soap he always used, too. I loved him so much. With all of myself, and it felt so right.

It was over too soon, him lowering me into the bed, so gentle. He brought the covers up to my chin and I tucked them in all around my body like a cocoon. It was so warm despite the breezy window.

I knew he couldn't stay, but I didn't want him to leave. He didn't look like he wanted to leave either. But a nagging distant reality was telling me that he could not be seen here. He had to leave before the dawn. How serious this was. All that reality. I wanted it to go away. I wanted him to remain.

He crouched down, face to face with me now. His hot hand pressed to my exposed cheek and he stayed there for a minute, maybe more. His blue-green eyes stared into my eyes and we shared a beautiful moment together. I knew what he was feeling. He didn't want to leave, but he knew the same truth.

He sighed, and I sighed.

"I love you," he promised me.

"I love you, too," I told him in the same promise.

And for just a few moments I truly believed his promise, all of my doubts gone away. I heard him leave, the front door closing and then locking as Paulie saw to it. I dared not move, lest the dream be wiped away like it had constantly been tonight. This dream was a nonreality, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but now it was entirely good and I didn't want it to go away.

I stared up at the water stained ceiling, the large orangey brown stains obvious even in the dark with the barest light from the street down the alleyway coming in. I couldn't sleep because of the street noise right now, so I was alone with my thoughts as I listened to them and to Paulie snoring away on the couch. How comforting these sounds were despite the situation. How familiar.

And somewhere along the way, I did fall asleep to these strangely comforting, familiar sounds.