It wasn't comfortable under my cover. There was no comfort anywhere.

I'd scrubbed my skin raw, but my hair was still intact. She'd left me alone once I'd agreed to take a bath. I'd more than half feared she'd scrub me down herself, but mercifully she'd left the bathroom. However, this was not before she'd ordered me to wash myself clean, who knew where I'd been.

In the bath, I'd sniffled. I'd felt so trapped. There was one thing I knew, and I didn't know where the courage was coming from: I wasn't going to take out my hair. Ambrose had done my hair so I couldn't do it. Everything else she wanted I did, but not that. I'd washed myself, waited just inside the bathroom door, and upon hearing the house silent I wrapped a towel around myself and ran to my room.

Now in my bed, I was so hungry. I hadn't eaten anything all day, but I was too scared to go to the kitchen. She was out there somewhere, maybe sitting at the kitchen table, maybe in her room with the door open. Zorro was out there too, and if I came out of my room she might start barking. One of us would have to take her out later and I dreaded it would have to be me.

My tummy grumbled as the sounds in the hallway started. My entire body tensed and I pulled the covers tighter around my head. The footsteps were heavy, slow. My Mama's footsteps. Panic set in.

When she knocked on the door, I was completely still, my fear response convinced that I could trick her into thinking I wasn't in here. But she knew I was in here. I was being stupid, stupid hopeful.

"Ruiz. It's dinner time," she called out, no emotion in her voice.

Confusion came over me. How she could come tell me it was dinner time like that after she yelled at me, forced me into the bath like a child in trouble, said and did all those things. But it occurred to me immediately that if I didn't respond, didn't go out there, then what would she do? Would she start up again? My heart started to beat wildly at this thought.

"U-uno momentor, por favor," I called back, unsure what to do, because I'd just remembered my hair. My hair was still done up, the specific thing she'd wanted me to wash away. I rubbed my face into my pillow, knowing she'd also wanted me to wash off my remaining make-up, even Miss Cha Cha's touch. Like Miss Cha Cha was a dirty person.

Like she thought the people I loved were dirty people. What did she think-

"Ruiz, now," she exasperated, still outside the door. It made me jump again shamefully.

"Okay," I called back, still uncertain. There was only one thing to really do.

Slowly, I rose up from my bed and curled away the bed covers. More slowly, I made my way to the door, a vision of Ambrose smiling apprehensively at me in front of my face. His tentative fingers in my hair at first, growing with confidence with each weaving motion.

My hand was on one of my braids when I opened the door.

"I ordered a pi-" she stopped.

We stared at each other. One moment turned to two moments...then three. Her expression was one of mild shock, disbelief. The smell of pizza drifted into my room, and one whiff told me she'd only thought of herself again but my belly was too hungry to care.

Suddenly she swung the door all the way open, making me close my eyes in response. Without words, she pointed at the kitchen and with no emotion I followed it, walking past her, my heart pounding.

On the table was her favorite pizza like I thought, paper plates set up like usual. It said so many things at once. And staring at it, I realized something profound:

She was so selfish. So selfish. She didn't think about me, only cared about herself. She was doing the motions of what a mom should do, but what was she thinking, really? As I sat down, it bothered me. Bothered me so bad. I served myself, and the thoughts remained. But I couldn't quite put my finger on how I felt.

She slapped a slice of pizza onto her plate and began to eat, not looking at me. It seemed purposeful. Staring down at my pizza, the memory of how I was going to eat pizza with Ambrose today came into my head. Our favorite, to mourn. And then the memory, so recent, came forward of a situation just like this. A time only weeks ago where I missed Ambrose and Miss Cha Cha so bad, missed Georgina so bad. Of when I first came back, called Mia's Pizza, Mama's favorite pizza place. How I thought about how selfish my Mama was compared to Miss Cha Cha, who didn't care what kind of pizza we got as long as everybody was happy. This now was only a reminder.

I started to eat, but not willingly. My appetite was going away, thinking of these things. But I was too hungry to protest. It was during these first few bites that my Mama decided to speak, and my stomach clenched, waiting for it.

"Ruiz, we gotta talk," she sighed. She didn't sound exasperated anymore. More like tired. Exhausted.

I couldn't look at her. There was strangely no fear, perhaps muted by my thoughts, seeing her for how she really was. Or maybe I was tired, too. Too tired to be fearful. I didn't know. I just slowly ate, needing to.

"Would you listen to me?" she sighed.

Oh. She thought I was ignoring her by continuing to eat as she was speaking. Regretfully, I put down my slice and looked down at it, showing her that I was listening. With this, she began to speak, weak I thought, but with authority.

"I have thought about it," she said. I looked up at her now, confused. What was she talking about? But she went on. "I have thought about it," she repeated, gaining momentum, "and I don't think it's a good idea."

What did she mean? What idea? My stomach was staring to feel hollow, but not from lack of food. I dared to speak back. "What idea?"

She stared back at me, then began shaking her head in disappointment. More disappointment.

"What?" I asked, more confused.

"Your hanging out with people like that."

People like that. What was she- "What people?" But it dawned on me immediately after, what she was talking about again, making me still, but she was saying it already.

"Ambrose and that 'Miss Cha Cha' person. I think they're bad influences on you."

I lost my appetite completely. What was she saying? Bad influences? Once again, hadn't Ambrose helped her with her bills? Oh... I quieted inside a little, remembering too suddenly... But if she knew about Ambrose, what he was doing... But still, those things didn't make him a bad person. I remembered the words of Georgina, said so long ago, quieting more.

But Miss Cha Cha? Miss Cha Cha was a successful business owner. Miss Cha Cha was looking up to by all those kids, all of her students. Miss Cha Cha was a great role model. How could my Mama say these things without knowing-

"Miss Cha Cha is a great role model," I was saying before I even realized it, but I shut my mouth immediately. My Mama was looking incendiary at this. I gripped my knees under the table.

"What, for dressing up like a... What is going through your mind, Ruiz? Why would you want to be like that? Those people. You didn't see them in our old neighborhood? Were you too young? You think that's something to aspire to? Be like? Well, I'll tell you something. It isn't."

"What are you talking about?" I was stunned. I knew exactly what she meant. Who she meant. It brought me back to that fight we'd had where she'd thrown my platform heel at me. What she'd thought of me then when she'd found that shoe, making such a quick judgment. My eyes narrowed before I could think better of it, stop myself.

And she was talking as if she were teaching me something valuable. That was her exact tone. I couldn't believe it.

"I'm talking about those fucking prostitutes, Ruiz! Were you too young? You saw their flashy clothes and you want- I don't know what you want! Why would you want to be like her, those people?!" She went on, confirming my fears.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

"Miss Cha Cha isn't a prostitute! She's- she owns her own dance studio! She's a professional dancer!" I exploded. I couldn't control myself anymore. Oh my god, what was she saying?!

"What kind of dancer? Do you even know?!"

"Do you?! What kinds of things are you saying about my friend?!" I was out of my seat now. I couldn't even remember getting out of it.

"Sit down, Ruiz!" she yelled back, nearly screaming.

The neighbors. The neighbors could probably hear us. But I found I didn't care. I didn't care! There was only one thing I cared about right now, and that was to prove that she was wrong!

"Miss Cha Cha dances ballroom! She's got a partner and everything! She teaches ballroom dance to little kids!"

"Sit down!"

"No! She wants me to work there with her, too! Teach little kids, answer phones!"

"You are NOT going to work with her! I FORBID IT!" She looked absolutely shocked, completely caught off guard.

What did she just say? She forbade me working with Miss Cha Cha? "Why?!" I was screaming now. I'd never been so angry in my life. I couldn't believe it. What was she saying about Miss Cha Cha?! She didn't even know her!

"She's not a good role model! That's not normal, Ruiz!"

"What's not normal?!" I was dumbstruck by what was coming out of her mouth, her real feelings.

"You don't understand! Those people are fucking crazy! Men can't wear clothes like that and be fucking normal!"

Suddenly, she stopped. She looked like a deer in headlights, staring at me full on. Her eyes bugged. My face had fallen instantly at her words, as if she had slapped me in my face. My ears were ringing, my heart was pounding so fast. She froze.

Her own face told me that she knew she'd gone too far, said something too awful, among all the other awfuls. Somewhere among her speech, among knowing her, I'd known where her mind was. But this was way too much. I knew she was ignorant, but this...

"I didn't mean that, Ruiz," she said, much quieter.

My lip was trembling.

"Ruiz, I didn't mean that."

I was silent, unsure what to say. She'd wounded me. "What did you mean?" I was hyper aware that I was standing now, my hands on the table in a defensive position. Now it was just awkward, such a change in the room with her words.

"I meant...god, I don't know what I meant, Ruiz."

"Is that what you really think?"

"No, no..."

"Do you really think we're crazy? 'Fucking crazy'?"

"No, I meant-"

"What do you mean?"

She couldn't look at me, staring down at her plate. Why couldn't she look at me? What was she going to say?

But then she spoke, and I just... "I didn't mean you. You're not like them, Ruiz. You could still be normal. This is a phase. You need to grow up out of it!"

She rose her voice, because I'd already taken my paper plate and walked into the hallway as she was speaking. I continued to walk to my bedroom, all this angry courage winding up in me like a powerful spring.

How dare she? How dare she say-

"I'm saying this for your own good! You need to grow up out of it, Ruiz!" she repeated after me from down the hall and that was the final straw for me today. I slammed my door on her words. Her fucking ignorance.