"You got a rubber band?"

"In my purse. Wait a minute."

Everybody was all smiles. Ambrose was braiding my hair. He couldn't keep his hands off it, and I didn't want him to ever stop. Was I dreaming?

No, because we were surrounded by other families. Crying babies, crying women. Crying men. And it wasn't like we didn't have tear stained cheeks, either. But our crying was over. Over. What a strange word.

I was smiling as Ambrose took the rubber band from Miss Cha Cha's hand, and I was smiling as he twisted it around the bottom of the French braided pigtail just below my shoulder. His warm hands had been on my scalp, his nails scraping to get the parts just right. They didn't have any nail polish on, and that was strange, too. But it was okay. He was smiling, so it was okay. It didn't seem real.

And it wasn't. We were all "avoiding the elephant in the room" as Georgina had often said. We were just making pleasantries. No matter how these pleasantries made us feel.

There was no pizza. He hadn't even asked me about the pizza. I think he already knew why.

"You can't bring food in here. You can give us money so he can buy from our snack cart, but you can't bring food in here." As the receptionist was saying it, I knew why. I couldn't bring the pizza in there, because I could have put drugs in it. A razor blade. A needle. Maybe the other patients would get jealous. Something. I don't know. But that pizza was in Miss Cha Cha's car now, getting cold on the front passenger seat. I wasn't going to eat it. I couldn't bring myself to.

As he started on the next braid, I lost all thoughts, just feeling his warm hands. Longing. I was trying so hard to believe. But I knew his eyes and their uncertainty told me a truth I didn't want to know.

I forced myself to speak, because I just wanted to hear his voice. Was that so bad? The guilt in me told me yes.

"Ambrose. What do you do here?" I asked, knowing this would get a long answer. My eyes glanced at him and he was smiling at me. His lips were so pink. Flushed. Happy. He was so glad to see me.

"I go to group three times per day. We talk about various things. I eat lunch, dinner. I don't eat breakfast, because I want to sleep. They got on my case about that for the first couple of days, but now they're letting me." He wasn't talking as long as I had hoped as he finished speaking. But- "I missed you every day. I thought you didn't want to talk to me. I thought you didn't want me anymore. Thought you deserved better."

This caught me off guard, his words. It was the elephant, striking my body all of a sudden. And he was still smiling at me. How could he be smiling when he'd just said that?

"I'm going to get us some sodas. I'll be back," Miss Cha Cha said, I thought a bit awkwardly. But I knew what she was doing. She got up and more than a couple of people were staring at her. More than a couple of people were staring at me, too. But I was trying to ignore them the best I could.

"Ooh, soda. I'll take a grape one," Ambrose called after her like nothing was the matter. Like he hadn't just said something that stabbed me through the heart. But it wasn't a spiteful feeling going through me, nor betrayal. I couldn't make sense of this feeling in me.

"I- I'll take a grape, too," I said, needing to clear my throat all of a sudden. Fog was in my throat about him. Him still smiling when...

He took my hand and just held it there. It was so unreal, but I folded my fingers in between his and he clamped on.

Earlier in the day, I hadn't known what to do. My mind was a mess. Yesterday, I read over the contract that Veronixxxa's father had given me and discovered I was only scheduled to work ten hours per week. That wasn't even part time. I'd be getting less than forty dollars per week, because of taxes and stuff. Reading that, I'd put my head in my hands, screamed into them to muffle my feelings.

I'd be getting paid less than forty dollars per week to be called Luis. That's all that seemed to matter anymore. The money wasn't even mine, it was my Mama's. How was that fair? But what choice did I have? And I was so angry that I didn't have a choice.

Miss Cha Cha had come to pick me up. I'd seen my Mama in the window as I was walking to her car. My Mama was checking out Miss Cha Cha and I couldn't tell what she was thinking. It didn't look good, whatever it was.

But inside the car, it was a different world. A world that jarred me after being away less than three weeks. The front seat was so familiar to me, because this was where I'd spent so much time with Ambrose. It creeped over me how Georgina had probably sat here, too. I clutched my work contract in my hands harder, because I couldn't bring a purse.

Inside, Miss Cha Cha had asked me about my appearance, concern in her voice but I didn't have the courage to tell her about my Mama not wanting me to dress female. And I'd realized at that moment that wasn't true either. I just assumed she wouldn't. But that was enough. Even so, Miss Cha Cha had offered me her brick red lipstick that was in her purse, some eyeliner. It wasn't enough, I wanted foundation and some cover up, too, but.

At a stoplight, I was putting on the lipstick with a little brush from the glove box, using the rearview mirror. Waiting with the car purring at the light, Miss Cha Cha had taken the contract from my lap and I let her, feeling a little ashamed. She'd read over some, but enough to discover what I'd found out it yesterday.

"This says you only work ten hours," she'd said, sounding confused. "I thought you said it was part time? That you need hours?" She was flipping through the packet still, too fast I thought.

"I do need more hours."

"I don't understand."

"I don't, either."

"This isn't full part time."

"I know."

The light turned green and not five seconds went by without somebody honking at us and then another person honking at us. Impatient as always. Handing me back my papers, she got the car into gear manually and I noticed somebody giving us the finger as they passed by. It made me upset, but that was this city. We just weren't going fast enough.

Outside Veronixxxa's father's diner, I saw Veronixxxa leaning against the bike rack there. She was smoking a cigarette and holding a bagel. The diner didn't serve bagels. She watched our car curiously as we pulled up. Stopping in the middle of the road to let me out, somebody else honked at us and I was immediately exasperated. I didn't need this today.

Miss Cha Cha waved to me and went on her way around the black so I had time to hand in my papers.

"Who was that?" Veronixxxa greeted me.

"Miss Cha Cha. Can I have a cigarette?" I didn't realize how much I needed one until I saw Veronixxxa smoking. I needed to calm my nerves.

"No, I don't have any more. But you can have a drag. Here." She held out the cigarette to me and I took it eagerly. She paused, staring at me.

"What?" I asked, putting the cigarette in my mouth and taking a long drag. It was menthol, punching me in the back of the throat, but even so I held it in, clenching my fist in it.

"Miss Cha Cha? Fuck! I knew I recognized her!"

I blew out the smoke, breathing in hard with my nose. Double the drag in one. It made me feel lighthearted, but good. I handed the cigarette back to her and she took it, but she looked shocked.

"What?" I said again, feeling the weight of the papers in my hand now. The relief had been too brief.

"Giiirlll," was all she said. She took a drag from the cigarette and bounced up and down on her heels.

"What?"

"She's just one of my idols. No biggie?"

"Really?" This was news to me. Then the conversation I'd had with Miss Cha Cha popped into my head, about how she knew about Veronixxxa and admired her, too. It softened and something in my heart.

"Her and Miss Petal Rose? Fuck yeah."

I was confused. Who was Miss Petal Rose? I wanted to ask her, but I caught a glimpse of Miss Cha Cha's unmistakable pink convertible coming up the street again. It reminded me of what I should be doing. What I had to do immediately after. It was already past ten. That cigarette was making me too lightheaded too, the feeling not going away as soon as I thought it had. It had been too long since my last cigarette and I wasn't used to menthols either.

"You want to meet her?" I asked without thinking it through, too lightheaded. Then I realized that would entail Miss Cha Cha parking the car. Which could take a while. What was I doing?

"Hell yeah!" Veronixxxa chirped, throwing the cigarette on the ground and stamping it out with her high heel. But she gave a slow sideways glance at me, and I realized where her eyes were going.

"What?" was all I could say again.

"Is that my dad's contract?" she asked, quieter.

I brought it up to my chest, looking at it again though I didn't want to. "Yeah, it is."

"I can give it to him. He's not in today."

This caused my blood to boil too quick. I didn't know where it was coming from, exactly. "But he said I had to hand it to him on Monday or I'd lose my job."

"He's a dick. What can I tell you?"

"If you hadn't been here then what would I have done?"

"I don't know, but I wouldn't have let you lose your job because he's a dick."

"Thank you."

"Don't worry about it."

I was momentarily stunned by what was transpiring. But I couldn't think about it too much, because Miss Cha Cha's car pulled up next to us again, receiving another honk from an angry driver behind her. It was making my head hurt. She gave me an eyebrow raise, and I nodded to her. She smiled, gesturing to the passenger seat.

I gestured back to her to roll down the passenger window, feeling a gladness in my heart by seeing her. She looked confused, but leaned over the seat and did it.

"What's wrong?" she asked, sounding concerned. But she didn't have time to say anything else, because the human atomic bomb exploded next to me, miraculously breaking any tension I had.

"Oh my god! Cha Cha Valentine!" Veronixxxa squealed, going completely teenybopper fan crazy at that exact moment.

Miss Cha Cha looked stunned. "Eh?" she asked, delighted nonetheless.

"I've wanted to meet you for so long! I knew you were Ambrose's drag mother and everything, but ugh! I'm such a big fan and oh my god- You're the best!"

I started giggling and I couldn't believe it in my stressed out state. Comprehension dawned on Miss Cha Cha's face and her jaw dropped. "You're Veronixxxa Playboy!" she gasped.

"Yeah!"

"I like your work!"

"Oh my god, Miss Cha Cha Valentine likes my work! My work!"

They started gabbing at each other, and it was surreal. I felt like I was seeing the beginning of something.

Later in the car, I had the pizza on my lap and it was so hot. Miss Cha Cha was grinning. She'd invited Veronixxxa to come see her dance studio, suddenly talking about how she'd been thinking about incorporating an adults only pole dancing class for a while and would Veronixxxa check it out and tell her what she thought? Veronixxxa had exploded at this. Absolutely exploded. Miss Cha Cha had dug into her purse and handed her a business card and Veronixxxa held that thing like it would fly away or disappear.

"I called the rehabilitation center while I was waiting for you at the pizza place," Miss Cha Cha said, breaking the silence. I turned my head to her in wonder, breaking my reverie, too. "I told them we'd be a little late and to tell Ambrose. It takes about thirty minutes to get there."

"Thirty minutes?"

"Yeah, it's a little bit out of the city. I think that's better for him, anyway, not being in the city for a while."

She paused at this, seeming like she was going to say more but she didn't. It made me curious, but I didn't say anything either. Instead, I chose a different track.

"So, are you going to hire Veronixxxa?" I asked. From the way they'd been talking, it sounded like Miss Cha Cha had wanted to do just that. They clicked so well, too.

"What makes you say that?"

I looked at her and she was glancing at me, but keeping her eyes on the road. Her smile was still there. "Oh. You were talking about the class and stuff. You want her to come to the studio?" I said, thinking to myself. Suddenly I felt shy and I didn't know why.

"That doesn't mean I'm going to hire her. I wanted her to tell me what she thought of how I'd teach the class, actually. There's so many new pole techniques that I don't know about now."

"Oh."

"What made you think that?"

"I don't know." I really didn't. But a creeping uneasy feeling told me answers. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, but it was hard with the pizza on my lap. Knowing the reason now, it was making me uncomfortable all over.

"Oh." She turned back to the road completely now.

In my mind, the images of her smiling and turning to the five year olds she was teaching appeared. Her talking to them, saying the counts in Spanish for the steps to the cha cha and ticking off her fingers as she demonstrated for them. I could smell the lavender in the vase next to the record player still.

There was still fear in my heart. Regret for having let her meet Veronixxxa.

I looked over at her and she was looking at me again as we stopped at a stoplight. I fumbled with a corner of the pizza box and then sighed.

"Hmm?" she asked. I sighed again, seeing her looking at me. I noticed she was dressed in a really nice outfit, how it hugged her curves very flatteringly, a yellow lady's suit with a skirt. Her heels matched and everything. She looked really professional, and I looked like-

"I want a job, Miss Cha Cha," I sighed, feeling terrible. God, look at me.

"You just handed in your contract?" she asked, putting the car into gear again.

"Yeah, but. I want to work for you. That job is shit. He didn't give me the hours he promised me. And he's going to call me that name. He wasn't even there today, so if Veronixxxa hadn't been there to take my contract to give to him I would have lost my job." My words were gushing out now, uncontrollably. "He tried to underpay me, too. I don't want to work there. I don't know what to do. What do I do?" All of my worries were gushing out of me and I couldn't stop it. She was just so familiar, so understanding. So loving. It was all going too fast, like a whirlwind. These whirlwind emotions flying out of me all of a sudden, shocking me.

There was a pause in the car, and it felt like everything was silent. Like my words had flown out of me and caused the world to lose all its noise. But my heart was pounding so bad, pounding in my ears. When had that happened?

It pounded worse when she started grinning, catching me off guard, making my eyes go wide in a strange fear.

"I already talked to Tango about giving you a job," she beamed, pressing the gas pedal more to go faster in the motion filled traffic. The strange fear swept over me totally as the returning city noise did and somebody else honked at us for going too slow, making me jump.

Now Ambrose was telling me that he'd thought I'd deserved better than him, how he thought I hadn't wanted him anymore. The reality of it. And on top of everything today, all that stress, letting stress go, seeing him. How I couldn't bring him the pizza, how he'd remarked that I was wearing brick red Chanel lipstick like Selena always did and how that made him feel better...

I hugged him, because I didn't know what to say to that. But I started talking anyway, secrets in me that I hadn't meant to let anybody know about.

"No, I was scared," I whispered into his body. Over his shoulder I could see different people staring at us at their plastic tables in this cafeteria. Full on staring, being rude, ignoring their own families to stare at us. But I didn't care.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, like a little boy. Kind of like he talked to me when he was drunk. So vulnerable.

"No, it's..." I had been about to say, 'it's not your fault', but I was mixed. It kind of was, but... Oh god he was trembling now. What was I going to say? The only words I had tumbled out of my mouth, and I thought it was enough. For now. "I'm sorry too, Ambrose. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry," he repeated, trembling slightly more. I wanted him to stop shaking. What was I supposed to do? What could I do?

"I know. But I wouldn't want to leave you. I didn't...want to leave you. I don't know what happened. I don't know."

"I...love you," he muffled into my half done up hair and I squeezed him tight.

"I love you, too."

He sniffled and I realized why he was trembling now. Why so many people were staring at us. So I rubbed the small part of his back between his shoulder blades, but it didn't do anything. Holding him, I realized how much I wanted this and how much I didn't want to let go. He didn't let me go either.

Miss Cha Cha came back eventually, holding two grape sodas and a diet Coke. We sipped these and chatted a bit, not about anything in particular. It seemed like those two confessions we had were about the only serious talking we were going to do today, and I was oddly comfortable with that.

We started talking about Selena, slipping into Spanish to talk about our real feelings. There may have been other Spanish speakers in the room, but I didn't care. The three of us talked about our favorite memories involving her and her music. Miss Cha Cha told us about how she'd seen her in concert one time and we were starstruck, in awe, admiring that she'd been able to do that.

Ambrose held my hand the whole time and wouldn't let go, his fingers around mine securely. I gripped his hand like it was the most important thing in the world, because it was to me. Just holding it was telling me how much of a fool I'd been, was still being because deep down part of me was still mad at him though it seemed impossible. Look at him. He was here, trying so hard to get clean, not arguing with the nurses, not being strong headed at them or anything. Why wasn't that enough to make the anger go away?

I was thinking about this when he switched to English. Caught me momentarily off guard with it.

"There's going to be a family meeting sort of thing this Friday," he said, having been talking a little more about the rehab place. "They want family to come, but I don't have family."

"We're your family," Miss Cha Cha said without hesitation, almost causally but so important.

"I know," he smiled, so content, "that's what I was going to say." I squeezed his hand and he smiled at me. I returned it, trying to assure him even though I was still having these angry thoughts. Even though I was angry at him deep down, I still wanted him to know I loved him. It didn't matter if I was confused or what.

He went on. "I wanted you two to come. It's at 1pm. Is that okay? Ruiz? Do you have to work?"

I'd told him about my job, but not much in detail. I didn't want to worry him any more than he already was. It was hard to do, but necessary. "No, I have that day off," I said, remembering my schedule quickly. Thank god I had the day off.

"Oh good," he breathed. "Please don't be late. If you're late you can't come in. It's really important."

It really was. I gripped his hand anew and he gave me another small smile. Anything to help his getting better was important. I was realizing this more and more, seeing him here like this, the longer I sat with him so closely. If there was any way to make this right, not alright but right, it was his getting better. He was trying, and I swallowed as I knew I had to try, too. It made me nervous, a fluttering of nervous energy in my gut tickling me.

But he was smiling at me now. And that felt like the most important thing in the world to me right then. He leaned in, visibly relieved and considerably more relaxed now, and his fingers reached into my hair again, working on the half done pigtail French braid, weaving and twisting with a slight pleasing pressure.

I wouldn't take those pigtail braids out for the rest of the day, remembering his fingers. Remembering his smile, his apologetic, honest words and how that made me feel.