"You embarrassed me the other day."

Genesis looked up at me from the pair of slacks he had been suspiciously fingering. "How so?" he asked, still not giving me his full attention. God, how I hated that. The only two people in the world who seemed to ever give me their full attention were Frankie and Cha Cha.

"At Norman's. What you did."

"What did I do?"

I closed my eyes to try to control my anger. He'd gone back to touching the brown pants, flicking the tag over to check the price. Taking advantage of the pause, he chose to speak further, deepening my resentment. "You know, these pants are the same color brown as that coat you're wearing."

I shoved my hands into my brown pockets. The little ribbon brooch inside scratched my fingertips, the crystals sharp but soothing in a way I couldn't describe.

"You should take that coat off. It's really hot in here, isn't it? I think I'm actually sweating," he went on.

My heart started beating too fast under my sailor collared mini dress. "I swear to god if you make me take my coat off again..."

"Don't you dare use the Lord's name in vain, young lady."

"Shh! Don't call me that in here!"

"Oh, come on." He made a tsking sound with his teeth and went back to the pants, not much different from the sort of sound Paulie and I employed with each other. It temporarily put me off balance. But, I found my center.

"You know, nobody would think anything if you weren't half going it right now. Pants under a dress. Scandal. And that wig is much too short. You look so pretty with longer hair,  past your shoulders. I always thought so."

"Shh! Stop it!" I was whispering loudly now, but I quit it as soon as I realized how loud I was actually being. My heart was pumping so fast I thought I might become dizzy. 

"I shouldn't have agreed to come here with you if you weren't fully dressed as female. That's the problem. I'm too soft."

"Genesis!" I hissed, my eyes darting around the men's department.

"What do you think of these pants? Felix wouldn't wear them. I don't see why I bother. Why don't they have them in pink? Maybe purple? Do you think he'd wear them in purple? I think he'd wear them in purple. But I can never shop for that man. He doesn't like anything."

The change in conversation caught me off guard. I put my hand over my racing heart, but I quickly shoved it back into my pocket again. Fuck, now that he'd mentioned it I was sweating. Goddamned wool.

"I think I have to sit down," I whispered, leaning to him.

"Why are you whispering?" He flicked the metal hangers on the rack quickly one by one, still staring at the pants. The sound grated on my nerves.

"I really, really have to sit down."

"Okay, fine. I'll be here."

I swallowed, standing in my spot like a fawn who's sank into mud. My eyes started blinking to the rhythm of Genesis' hanger flicking in my nervousness until I closed them altogether. This was not a good idea, as my head started to swim. 

"N-no, I think you'd better come with me."

"Oh-whoa." I recognized this sound. It was a rare sound he made when he realized something amiss. My hands clenched into fists. "You're sweating. Really sweating. Are you okay?"

My stomach answered him. My hand clenched at it and I doubled over.

"I'm gonna be sick," I whispered. "It's the nerves. I shouldn't have let you- I shouldn't have agreed-"

"Come with me. We passed the bathrooms on the way here. Are you okay?" He took my hand and started to lead me somewhere, I didn't care where. 

"No, I'm not okay. I need to go home."

"That's not going to happen."

"It needs to!"

My stomach swirled and I felt a gush rise. My eyes bulged open right as I was pushed through a brown swinging door. I stumbled forward and ran into a stall and before I could do anything else I let loose.

By the time it was over my hands were gripping the seat, grossing myself out. I breathed in heaves, staring at the mess in the toilet. It was mostly bile, nervous vomit. My eyes closed, feeling my furiously pumping heart behind my eyeballs.

"Oh god... Oh god," I breathed, trying not to fall to my knees. My ears took assessment of the situation, listening. Complete silence met them. I hung my head, but then snapped it back up, inviting another swirl. My hand pressed over my heart, the other still gripping the toilet.

It felt as if I was empty, but my stomach felt sore. My eyes flicked up.

My breath caught.

What the devil?

My eyes narrowed in my halted breath. Pink was staring back at me on the wall. My body jerked to the side, slamming against the stall wall. The stall was pink. Baby pink.

My eyes drew wide.

"No, don't go in there. My friend is very sick. She ate some kind of bad fish, I think. Sorry!" Came Genesis' muffled voice from beyond the bathroom.

Genesis!

Another wave flew over me as my stomach wrenched and my head fell back over the toilet.

"Hello in there? You okay, Georgina? You need some help? I think it's okay for me to come in if you need some help?"

My watch told me I had been in here for over thirty minutes. I was sweating bullets. My brown wool coat was draped over the sinks, forcing me to stare at myself wearing my black and white lined sailor style dress and black pants.

Frankie really liked this dress. Genesis had, too. 

Genesis.

"Yoohoo? You need some help? I'm going to come in. Or get a female employee. Your choice."

"Don't you dare!" I yelled, using what seemed like the rest of my breath. The rest came like a deflated squeaker toy. I really needed something to drink. But what was I supposed to do?

"Oh, there you are!"

"Are you trying to get me arrested?!" My hands flew over my mouth, smelling like industrial soap. The smell made me gag a little bit, but there was nothing else inside of me. I couldn't believe what I'd just blurted out in my anger.

"I told you, nobody's going to arrest you!"

"Stop talking! I'm not going to have this conversation like this with you."

I heard his long fed up sigh from here. My stomach sank to my toes at it. That sigh could only mean one thing.

"Coming through!"

"Genesis, no!"

The door swung open and Genesis came through, swiping his hand through his short red hair and looking around now. Surreality set in. Dizziness again. My legs buckled and I leaned against the sinks in weakness.

"So they do all look the same. Sylvia was fibbing about the little couches and the vases of flowers. I knew it. I'm going to tell her when I get back that I went to Macy's and there is no such thing." He was still gazing around, not looking at me.

"Genesis."

"She told me that in the Bellevue Hotel there's these little couches and vases of flowers in the girls' bathrooms and now I know she's a liar. Girls' bathrooms are just missing the urinals."

"Genesis, this is the girls' bathroom."

"Yeah. It really is. I'm so mad at Sylvia."

I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe him.

"You shoved me into the girls' bathroom!"

"Yeah, I did. Because you're a girl. Sylvia uses the girls' bathroom, so I don't see why you shouldn't."

"Who the hell is Sylvia?! What the hell are you talking about?!" Oh my god I was freaking out. My hand was clutching at my heart like the claw of an owl to get at its prey. I couldn't focus.

He gave me an annoying expression, one that told me I should already know but I had no idea. He did this sometimes and it always made me want to tear out my hair. 

"Sylvia is how I know you're not going to get arrested."

"Excuse me?"

"You need to calm down. Seriously. It's going to be okay. Those pants, though."

"Genesis!"

"You okay now? You still look a little green." In the mirror, I saw him go for my coat. Oh no he wouldn't. My hands snatched my coat before he could, hugging it to my chest. His face turned to a knowing look, one that always irked me, like he knew more than me. It irked me, because he always did.

I began to put my coat on, one sleeve at a time. The scratchy wool interior smoothly swam over the silk of my long sleeved dress. As it swallowed the dress whole, I couldn't help but feel like it was eating me instead. It looked as if I were wearing a shapeless bear. 

"That coat is a crutch, you know."

"Shh."

"It's the truth. You don't need a crutch. You're a beautiful girl."

His expression was getting to me. But, I couldn't lash out at him. It always ended badly for me when I did. So instead, I chose a different track. Maybe he'd be sympathetic, maybe not.

My hand trailed over to the faucet, tracing the metal. "Yeah? And what can I do? I'm not supposed to dress like a girl outside. Paulie said so. I've been arrested for it before, at this bar we used to hang out in, too. I can't tell you how scary it was. These cops shined a light in my face and forced my arms behind my back... Paulie bailed me out, but it took a lot of money he didn't have."

"How many years ago was that?"

I stared at him in the mirror. "I was eighteen. So...maybe six years ago?"

"It was 1962, then."

"'61."

"My point is that times are changing." He was so smug.

"No, they're not."

"Yes, they-"

I turned to him. "No, they're not. I almost got arrested again a couple weeks before Christmas. These cops raided this bar I was in and... You don't know, Genesis."

His expression didn't waiver. My hand curled over the faucet. He was being a jackass right now. My anger was broiling. My face was betraying me in the mirror, but I didn't really care.

He sighed and leaned against the sinks with me. 

"Yeah, I don't know. But I do know that my friend Sylvia can go around as she pleases."

"Who the hell is Sylvia?!" I couldn't control my tone anymore. He winced at my harshness.

"She's a transsexual. Like you are."

"Oh..." I paused, suddenly speechless. "Then what..." I really didn't know what to say to that. Anger was still there, but now my brain was confused. All the snark extinguished with his words. He went on, despite obviously seeing this, but more gentle like he was deflating.

"She's a regular at Felix's salon. She tells me a lot about her life and we're friends now. I called her about you and she told me that I should encourage you to be yourself because you 'can't live under a cloud all your life.'" He made quotes with his fingers then laid them on the speckled sink ledge.

"Is that why you embarrassed me the other day?"

"Yes."

"Oh..." I hadn't expected him to answer so truthfully. But he never lied, always honest as Abraham Lincoln. Still, it caught me off guard. I was used to liars.

"She told me that as a transsexual, she's allowed to use women's restrooms and go wherever she pleases as a woman. That's why I want you to be yourself, because there's nobody who's going to tell you no. At least, that's what she told me."

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say. But then I had a thought. "But, Genesis..."

"Yeah?"

"How would the cops know if I was a transsexual or not?"

"I don't know that answer." His voice had gone soft and mentor-like, how I'd know it when I was younger.

"Oh..."

"Yeah, I know... But she also told me other things. Such as, how to go about it." His red eyebrow raised and he looked at me straight on.

"Go about what?" My finger started tracing the sink, unsure what to do. It didn't feel like this conversation was really happening, like I was in a dream. Just being in this bathroom felt like part of a dream, the girly pink all around us. 

"Go about transitioning to a woman. I can tell you all about it. She goes to this doctor in Philadelphia. I bet you could go to the same one if you wanted to."

Whoa... Wait a minute...

"Transitioning...? What are you talking about?"

"You know, taking the hormones. She gets estrogen shots. You could, too. They really work, too."

Wait. But. This didn't make any sense.

"But Frankie said all I needed was surgery. I want the surgery...Genesis. What about the surgery?" I could barely speak. What was happening? Was this truly real?

"'The surgery'? Darling, there isn't one."

I gasped. My heart fell into my stomach. My hand gripped the sink ledge. "There isn't?! But Frankie said-"

"No, you're misunderstanding. Calm down." He put his hand on my shoulder. My vision was swimming, feeling sick again in my stomach like turbulence going through my body.

"Then what-"

"There's three surgeries."

"Three?" Barest hope.

"Yes. But, we shouldn't talk about that here. Anybody could come on."

My breath was caught. My eyes looked around. Right. We were in a public bathroom. Focusing on his last words, I'd forgotten where we were. His hand went behind my shoulder, resting on my shoulder blade.

"Come with me to my hotel room. Felix isn't here today, he's back in Philly. Won't be there for another two days. We can talk there in complete privacy. What time is it?" He checked his watch in a quick flick. "It's about four? At six, Sylvia gets off work. We could call her. You can talk to her if you want. She knows better than I do about this stuff, obviously. I'm sure she'd be glad to talk to you."

Talk to her? About transitioning...oh my god. I couldn't comprehend it. My head was still swimming, but not in nausea anymore.

As Genesis led me out of the bathroom I stumbled in my wingtips, my legs weak from too much impossible information, the promise of a literal dream finally coming true.