34. 35. 36. 37. 38.

My fingers clicked on the plastic base of my hospital bed in invisible rhythm. My butt was cold. The tiles of this floor were cold because it was too cold in here in general. Did they know it was winter? Why was the fucking A/C on?

My hand gripped the top of the plastic base again and my muscles strained upwards. That's it, goddammit. That's it- that's it-

My butt plopped down on the cold beige tile again. The same color as the ceiling. I sighed in anger.

It was official. I was stuck. My legs were folded under me, useless. That's what I got for trying to pee by myself. Fallen next to my bed like some kind of invalid. Fuck me. Fuck everything. Fuck my legs, this hospital, number #39 beige tile over there.

My hair was unbrushed. I couldn't feel my make-up, which meant it was gone. My finger nail polish was chipped and so was the polish on my toes. I didn't like the color anymore anyway. I felt like today was a red day, but I still had on the chipped blue from two days ago. This was my life.

I didn't like my nurse. What was her name? Karen? Kelly? K something. Or maybe it began with a C. I didn't really care about her name.

A gasp from the doorway. "Mrs. Florini! What are you doing on the floor? The floor is dirty! I told you to call me when you had to make. There's a button on your bed. I'll show you!"

Speak of the devil. 'I told you to call me when you had to make'. Was I a dog? And yes, the floor was dirty. I got it. The floors were always dirty in hospitals, even when scrubbed with bleach. What did she take me for? I was old enough to be her mother. Where was her goddamned respect? Did she think I chose to be on the dirty floor? I couldn't get up!

I decided to let this be known.

"It's not like I wanted to be on the floor."

"Yes. I'll take you to the bathroom right now."

This girl. My teeth gnashed in my anger as she wrapped her arms around my front and under my arms. She lifted me to my feet and slung her arm around my back, leading me to the bathroom connected to my room.

Except, there was already somebody in there. Making. Wonderful.

"Oh, Mrs. Lewis! Are you not done yet?" my nurse chirped.

I rolled my eyes and stared out into my room. This was my life! My roommate, Mrs. Shirley Lewis, making in my bathroom and I had to look at it.

"Done... done..." Mrs. Lewis said softly like a child, staring straight forward.

"Oh, okay. Let me help you! One moment. Sorry." This last word was for me, and just like that we were on a journey back to my bed. Don't worry about it. I was just the Hoover Dam right now, having been on the floor for about twenty minutes. I wanted to hit things.

"There's a nice soup for lunch today! It's chicken and noodle and there's applesauce on the side! I smelled it on the way up. It's really nice!" Kelly or Karen or whatever her name was called to me from the bathroom.

Did she want to make me vomit after seeing Mrs. Lewis in the bathroom? What was her deal?

"I don't care about that shit," I called back. My eyes could bore holes right now. They felt like twin laser beams, wanting to kill everybody.

I was met with her gasp and the toilet flushing. "I'll be right out, Mrs. Florini! You need to go BM?!"

"Excuse me?!" I shouted, my hands going into fists on my bedspread.

"Oh- uh- uh- I'll get Derek!" She shot out of the bathroom looking like a turkey being scared out of the brush. I stared at her as if she were as stupid looking as a chicken running around without its head.

"Where are you going?!" I barked.

But quick as a lark, "come with me, Mrs. Florini. Are you okay? We're going down the hall. You think you can make it there?"

Handsome boy. Dark hair, nice dark Italian skin. Proper, gentle way of speaking. I liked Derek. Now this I didn't mind. He wasn't air for brains like Karen or Kelly or whatever her name was. Why couldn't Derek be my nurse? Could I switch?

I took advantage of having to lean on him for balance. He smelled like hair spray and Pert Plus shampoo. I could feel his defined pecs under his light green scrubs. He opened the door for us, and we walked together towards the toilet.

Seeing the toilet, any illusions I had broke down. Right. This. We'd been through this before. The whole floor knew. Sometimes I felt like they were talking about it. As he slipped my underwear down, I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see it. Blush rose to my cheeks as he sat me down on the toilet.

He'd seen it. All of the nurses had seen it. I'd never wanted anybody to even know and now this. If I wasn't on so much Ativan I think I'd be breaking down, but as such I couldn't really think about anything.

"I'll be right outside. Pull that cord when you're done. I'll come in." He sounded so friendly, but I knew he'd seen. There was nothing but embarrassment as my answer.

The door clicked closed, not even locked. My cheeks burned red, like how I wanted my nails. I was leaned back against the toilet's tank, a most uncomfortable position and I didn't have the strength to right myself like a normal human being.

I sighed and released, feeling the relief but none inside my heart.

Oh, Frankie. Frankie. What would you be saying now? What would you be doing now, seeing me like this? You'd be by my side. Right? You would?

I could see him behind my closed eyes, his image filling the darkness. Trying to imagine how he'd look in his late forties. It's not something I thought of often, but right now I had to. He always came to me young. But it was staring me in the face now that we were old. I was old. Would he love me, this old woman?

Woman. I finished peeing, and the feeling of wanting to hit things returned like a whirlwind going up all around. No. My eyes snapped open, filling with the bleach white tiles of the bathroom instead of my beloved. No, he didn't love a woman. He loved a monster. But that was okay. He didn't care that I was a monster. I was his monster. And that was okay.

But I was still a monster. And Frankie...

I pulled the cord to call Derek, knowing what was next. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see it again. But that wasn't going to solve this part.

There was a reason why I waited so long as to be bursting like the Hoover Dam, every time.

A few seconds, and. "All done? Okay. I'll wipe you and flush, get you all right, then we'll go back to the room!" So cheerful. But wasn't he grossed out? What was he really thinking?

Without another word, I heard the toilet paper snap away from its roll and then waited, going limp and surrendered to it. There was no use protesting or fighting or anything. It was going to happen. And then.

Pressure on it. The numb feeling. Tingling flew up into my body, creepiness. I still couldn't get used to it even after almost thirty years. It was over in about a second, but god that feeling. It wasn't a feeling anybody should ever feel.

The toilet flushed, and I rose my arms up the best I could. He wrapped his arms around me to lift me off the toilet. Swiftly, my underwear was up and the bottom of my hospital gown down around my knees again. He adjusted me on his body, and after the door was open we went on the journey back to the room.

I couldn't think. This embarrassment. Having to go through this embarrassment multiple times per day. How long was this going to go on for? Despite the Ativan, thoughts of smothering myself floated into my brain and I didn't really want to shake them away.

What would Frankie think of that?

But as we rounded the corner into the room, relief. Finally relief.

"Georgina! How are you feeling? Ay, dios mio, look there's chicken soup! Do you want some? I'll help you. I brought you flowers! You like daisies? The lady at the florist said daisies were the best to wish someone to get better, so I brought you daisies. I hope you like them!"

Cha Cha got up from her seat next to my bedside. Apparently she'd come when I was in the bathroom. Such perfect, perfect timing. She had no idea. Indeed, the white daisies on my windowsill looked very cheerful, like they were smiling with their yellow centers. There were so many of them, pointing at the sun like Summertime.

"Cha Cha," I smiled like a daisy. Derek lowered me onto the bed and Cha Cha spoke softly to him, saying she'd take it from here. He nodded and left.

"The soup is nice and warm. Or do you want the applesauce first? Have they been feeding you well? You look really tired. Do you want a nap?"

Don't ever stop talking.

"I'll have soup," I said, settling into my pillow. My bed was already in an upright position. Had she done that or that Kelly girl?

"Okay. Here." She swung the funny table on its rolling leg over my bed. In no time, her lovely cinnamon toned hand was hovering next to my mouth steady as a rock. I was delighted to see that her nails were painted red, like how I wanted mine.

The first mouthful disappeared onto my tongue and it flooded in warmth like it was home made. That's how happy she was making me. Every time I was chewing she was smiling at me, the daisies behind her head making a pretty picture. I began looking forward to her mouth opening when she looked down to get some more soup on the spoon. It happened in rhythm, just like everything she did, the dancer part of her in everything about her.

The spoon clattered into the bowl, all finished. It was warm in my belly, and I was warm in my heart. I watched her unzip her purse, and I wondered what she was doing. But my heart descended into my belly, making everything cold.

Oh god. Was she leaving? Already? Please, no. Don't leave me here with Kelly and Derek and Mrs. Lewis making on the toilet. Don't ever leave me.

Gold glinted as she rose her hand out of her purse. It took me a few seconds to register what I was seeing. I blinked.

"I thought this lipstick was close to your usual color. Kind of a pinkish orange? It reminds me of that color you used to wear. Jungle-something? I don't think they make it anymore, but I tested this one and it's pretty similar. I don't have any foundation or anything, but I hoped this would make you happy. I brought a razor and shaving foam, too. I know that's the first important step. Paulie taught me that."

She sprayed the cold shaving foam on my chin before I could arrange my features to react. Her kind face focused on her task, the delicate pink razor stroking upwards over and over as I tried not to cry.

I never expected her to do this. Had she thought of me this much?

"I'll do this every day. I'll come see you every day. I know what it's like in the hospital. I broke my leg some years ago and I was in the hospital for a few days. It's not so nice. But it's nice to see people you love. Tango came to see me every day." She smiled at this and wiped the razor really good on a napkin. "I hope seeing me makes you happy. I hope I'm not intruding."

"No, you're not intruding. Never," I said, watching her stroke the razor up and down on the napkin to clean it the best she could before continuing.

"Hm? What was that?" she asked, pausing. Her face still looked kind, but confused.

I paused myself. My eyebrows knitted.

"No, you're not intruding," I repeated.

"Into...what?" she asked. Her face became troubled like she was shaken.

"'Into'?" I had no idea what she meant.

"Um." A blush formed on her cheeks, giving her face a glow.

"I'm confused," I said, staring at her.

"You're confused?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel okay?"

"Yes? I'm fine."

The bed was shaking. My eyebrows knitted further as I looked down for the source. Her hand was on the bed, visibly quaking. My own rested on hers, trying to stop it. Why was she shaking? Was she okay?

"Are you okay?" I asked, folding my hand around hers. It shook in mine.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She was squeaking now. I knew this squeak.

"Cha Cha, don't cry."

"I'm sorry," she squeaked. Her eyes started to shine with tears and there was nothing I could do about it. It made me feel totally helpless, more so than when I was on the floor.

"Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry. I can't understand what you're saying. Georgina...oh, god, I'm so sorry..."

What?

"I'm sorry," she continued as doomed shock filled up my body. Numbness. "Sometimes I can make out the words, but you're slurring and..."

My eyes stared ahead as my head weighed her words. That Kelly girl. Derek. Kelly not responding to me and acting stupid and disrespectful, ignoring me.

Oh.

Oh my god.

Wait.

"Wait. You can't understand me?" I wasn't really asking Cha Cha. I was asking the world.

She sniffled and righted herself. A single tear had fallen down and I felt the greatest urge to wipe it away. My hand rose to do it, but halfway there the pain of the weakness was too great and it flopped down. No, but I wanted to...

Without speaking, she started to wipe away the rest of the shaving foam that was around the edges of my face. The napkin with this went onto the rolly table but suddenly her hand was resting on my cheek. And a blush bloomed in my cheeks. Why was she holding my cheek like this? My eyes filled with tears and she became a blur. No, I didn't want her to be a blur. I needed to see her. A breath hitched in my throat but I swallowed it away.

"We're going to get through this. It's going to be okay. I promise," she said, her brown eyes locking onto my blue ones. Her eyes... A shiver went down my spine, but I couldn't react. My eyes went wide.

She painted on the pretty pink orange lipstick without another word, concentrating in determination.

The entire time, I couldn't stop staring at her eyes. They were saying everything I ever needed to know, words between us that didn't need to be said.

Cha Cha. What was that spark I'd seen in her eyes? That spark was saying something I'd never expected to ever see again, scaring me but there was something else.

Courage. Trust. Something beautiful that could not be named.

Love.