"Ambrose, are you even pushing it?!"

"What? Of course I am! Are you pulling?"

Ambrose and I were in the middle of another tradition: the annual pulling of the Christmas tree to Miss Cha Cha's car. Next we would have to tie it to the roof, with spirited direction from Miss Cha Cha herself. Of course she was waiting inside the car with the heat blasting while we were outside pulling the prickly tree.

The worst part was we'd have to come back for my Mama's tree later.

"I swear sap is rolling backwards up my nose! Can we switch positions?" Ambrose called up to me from what seemed like miles away.

"Isn't that what you told your girlfriend last night?" Miss Cha Cha asked, suddenly standing in front of me like Wonder Woman. I blushed, stopping my pulling.

"No...Your Mama...I told...her," Ambrose breathed in the sudden stop, exhausted, slapping his hands on his knees to try to catch his breath doubled over.

"Thank you for trying!" Miss Cha Cha chirped at him, taking the rope tied to the top of the tree from me. "You're almost there. I'll pull, you two push it."

"It's so cold," I complained, taking a position mid-way up the tree and grabbing some branches to pull it instead of pushing.

"Here," Ambrose said, taking my mittened hands. He blew air into them, warming them sweetly with his body heat. I felt it filling my heart, too.

"After this we're going to get doughnuts and coffee," Miss Cha Cha announced, starting to pull on the rope.

"I could use a jelly doughnut," Ambrose sighed, closing one eye so a prickly branch didn't stab it.

Pretty soon as promised, we were at the car. Thankfully, Miss Cha Cha helped us heave the tree on top of it. I sat inside, tying the ropes against the ceiling tightly. When it was secure, Ambrose flew inside the car next to me like he was escaping a yeti. He was breathing heavily, the air from his mouth still making a puff. His heavy breathing was making my heart beat faster. Immediately, he began running his hands up and down my back. Warmth seeped in from his hands despite how cold he was.

"Are you warm enough?" he asked, still rubbing.

"Are you?" I asked, beginning to do the same to him. He giggled. At that moment, the car was filled with the sounds of Judy Garland singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas".

"Oh," Miss Cha Cha whispered quickly to herself, pressing a button on the radio to make it jump to another station.

"Wait, that was nice. I want to hear it," Ambrose said after her, looking up at the radio. I paused, thinking about how Miss Cha Cha had just said "oh". I took Ambrose's hand, thinking still.

"That song, no," Miss Cha Cha said quickly to us in Spanish. I saw her eyes darting in the mirror, but Ambrose didn't seem to.

"Why not?" he protested. My grip squeezed his hand and he looked at me questioningly. I shook my head at him. He still looked deeply confused. But of course he didn't get the connection, because it hadn't been drilled into his head.

At Dunkin' Donuts, Ambrose and I were seated at the table while Miss Cha Cha was standing in line to get our coffees and doughnuts. Ambrose held my hands across the table, staring at the slow moving line. I squeezed his hand like in the car, and he looked at me with a wondering expression.

"Hm?" he asked, smiling.

"I want to talk to you about something," I said in a hushed voice.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his face going concerned.

"Oh, it's nothing with me, don't worry." I gave him a reassuring smirk and his face melted into a smile again. He began stroking my hand lovingly. "It's just...in the car..."

"Huh?" he said, looking at me with child-like wonder again.

"Just really quick, before Miss Cha Cha gets back," I said, glancing at the line. She was next to be served, so I didn't have much time. "I think I know why Miss Cha Cha didn't want to hear that song."

"Why do you think she didn't want to hear that song?" he asked, tilting his head.

"Well, because...Georgina told me something. And based on what Miss Cha Cha told us the other day..."

Ambrose slid his seat closer to hear me better and leaned in, all ears. I leaned in, too. "Recently, Georgina was talking to me about what they used to do for Christmas at the club she worked at with Miss Paula. You know...you remember when I told you Miss Paula used to do Dorothy drag?" I was getting nervous now as I watched Miss Cha Cha step up to the counter.

"Yeah, I remember," Ambrose said, watching her, too.

I looked at him seriously. He did the same to me. I gripped his hands tight. "Well, Miss Cha Cha said she was there, right? Georgina said Miss Paula used to dress up like Judy Garland from Meet Me in St Louis for their annual Christmas show."

"Uh-huh?" Ambrose said, still not getting it.

"Wait, have you ever seen Meet Me in St Louis?" I whispered to him, my nervousness overtaking me.

"No," he said, tilting his head more like a puppy.

"Well, Judy Garland sings 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' in that movie. That's where that song is from. Georgina told me Miss Paula used to sing that song all the time around Christmas and how Miss Paula used to sing that song as the show closer every year," I said quietly.

"Oh..." Ambrose breathed, leaning back in his chair, his face telling me he felt awful, "do you think..."

"I bet that song reminds her of Miss Paula," I said, finishing the thought for both of us.

"Yes, it does remind me of her."

We both jumped. Our faces slowly looked up, and Miss Cha Cha was standing next to the table holding a box of doughnuts and three coffees in a little tray. "You two are never very good at being quiet," she said warmly, setting down our food and scraping the heavy metal chair back to sit.

"Sorry," I apologized.

She nodded and smiled. "No need to be secretive, though. You want to know about it? I'll tell you. It was a long time ago, you know. First thing's first. Who wanted the jelly doughnut?"

"Nooo, you only got one?!" Ambrose cried, holding out his hands as she opened the box. I slid my coffee to myself and opened the cover, the robust smell of french roast wafted up to my face. I breathed it in with a sigh.

"Chubby puppy," she laughed, handing the white powdered doughnut to him.

"I'm not chubby," he pouted cutely.

"I want to know about you and that song," I said quickly before they could get on about something else.

"Yeah," Ambrose said, biting into his doughnut.

"Okay, no problema," she smiled, handing me a Boston creme doughnut. I took it gratefully. "Did Paulie tell you he used to dress like Judy Garland?" she looked questioning in a friendly way.

Oh, so she hadn't heard me talk about Georgina. "Yeah, yeah," Ambrose said quickly. I bit into my doughnut quickly so I wouldn't have to speak about how we knew further. Luckily, Miss Cha Cha didn't pry.

"Hm. As you know, I worked at the same club with him during the '60s. Well, really until the mid-'70s. But then we parted. Well, every year, Paulie always did the same thing no matter what we did. He'd dress up like Judy Garland with this voluminous red dress with big puffy sleeves. It was like Judy Garland's Christmas dress from Meet Me in St Louis on steroids, really. It was covered in glittery stuff, sequins, too. I remember my first year there, he was dressed like that and Georgina was dressed as Marilyn Monroe in a short little Santa number, a sleeveless red mini dress with white puffy trim." She looked at me as she spoke about Georgina, knowing I admired her, too.

"I bet she looked gorgeous," I sighed to myself, leaning on my elbow.

"Blonde Bombshell with capital B's as always," Miss Cha Cha winked, removing the top of her coffee and beginning to stir sugar in. "Hmm...anyway. That year, there was something going on between Paulie and Georgina but I didn't know what. Things felt awkward, and they seemed kind of...fake with me? Fake smiling, fake enthusiasm. I was worried they didn't want to do the show with me in it. I'd seen pictures of the past Christmas shows from Paulie so I really wanted to be in it. But it turns out, the thing that everybody was so awkward about was Paulie's boyfriend, Avi.

"During the show, Avi was seated front and center staring at Paulie like he was a goddess. We danced around stage, being so crazy, but I could tell that Paulie was losing momentum. I went into the bathroom with Georgina for a costume change and she whispered to me what was going on with Paulie, because I was so upset about him. I was shocked. You wouldn't believe what she told me, the things people do." She paused, staring into her coffee, clearly thinking about it.

"What happened?" Ambrose asked, enraptured by her story.

"Well," she sighed, sitting back in her chair. I realized I hadn't eaten a bite since she started. I didn't attempt to. She sighed again, looking at the ceiling. "It turns out, Paulie was in a special sort of relationship with Avi. They had an arrangement where Avi would pay Paulie's rent and everything if they could still 'go out' if Avi could...get married to this girl to please his family. But you could tell Paulie didn't like it. It made complete sense, how he was treating Avi ever since I had met them."

Ambrose looked very sad now. I reached over and took his hand again. He didn't look at me or react. The information seemed to be hitting him hard.

"So that's who Avi is," he whispered. He suddenly looked like he was going to be sick, closing his eyes and stiffening.

"Huh?" Miss Cha Cha asked, her eyes going wide, "you know about Avi?"

"Never mind," he said quickly. "Go on with your story."

I looked at him quizzically but he didn't even glance at me, still looking like he was going to hurl. "Are you okay?" I asked, gripping his hand tightly again.

"Sorry, yeah. Please keep telling your story," he repeated, keeping his eyes closed. He couldn't see it, but Miss Cha Cha was looking at him with a deeply worried look. Then it occurred to me. Why did Ambrose know who Avi was? I knew who he was because of Georgina, but Ambrose...had Miss Paula told him about Avi? But if she had, why didn't he know Avi had been Miss Paula's boyfriend? I was utterly confused.

Miss Cha Cha cleared her throat, and went on as asked. "Hm. Well, when I got out of the bathroom with Georgina my world view had changed. I was looking at Paulie in a new light. My opinion of him had changed completely. I felt disappointed, because I looked up to him so much. He was no longer this perfect person in my mind. In fact, I thought he was like a prostitute or something, I'm ashamed to admit. Well, we did the rest of the show and Georgina and I were waiting off stage for Paulie to finish up the show with 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas'. But that's when the shit hit the fan, so to speak."

She paused again, taking a sip from her coffee. We stared at her intensely. She sighed, letting all of her breath out, her eyes deeply melancholy.

"Basically," she said, her voice smaller now, "Paulie had a breakdown on stage. We didn't know what exactly set him off, but well. He started crying during the song and Georgina looked at me like this was very very wrong and I got so scared. I'd never seen Paulie cry before. I didn't think he could cry, because he was such a strong person to me. He was the one who was always joking, a true comedy queen, you know? Everything was turned into a joke for him. But this time...god.

"I don't know why, but at that moment I looked at Avi in the audience and I could only see the side of his face. I was shocked because he was crying, too. But in an instant, Paulie snapped and threw the microphone stand down on stage with the most violent noise and threw the microphone at Avi like it was a bullet from a gun. If you had heard him screaming... People in the club went crazy, too, because of what he was doing. Georgina was like, 'fucking shit' and I'd never really heard her swear before so I was panicked. She ran up on stage with her white dress from The Seven Year Itch trailing behind her like a cloud and her Santa hat fell off when she was running.

"On stage, Paulie was screaming at Avi so full of passion. He was screaming, 'do you think I'm a whore? Do you want me for Christmas? Go to your goddamned family' and Georgina was screaming at him to stop. She hugged him around the waist and tried to drag him away, but he was too strong for her. You have to understand, Paulie back then was pretty built muscularly. By now, Carl the bartender and Frankie, who was Georgina's boyfriend, were running to the stage and they wrestled Paulie off stage with him still screaming. I was still staring at Avi like a deer in headlights, so scared of what was happening so suddenly. He looked so embarrassed, looking like a deer in headlights himself. Carl and Frankie wrestled Paulie into the office because he kept trying to get away from them, saying he wanted to bash Avi's head in for showing up at the club that night. I was thinking, 'why isn't Avi trying to go to Paulie?' but it didn't matter because Avi left pretty quickly after Paulie was dragged in back. A lot of people were staring at him, too, because they knew him.

"I dashed in back towards the office, but met Georgina at the door. She stopped me there, saying I shouldn't come in and it was adult business. I felt so horribly for Paulie, my opinion of him changing again. I saw how sad he was on stage that day. I knew he didn't want to be in that arrangement with Avi, that he had self respect. I respected him so much after that, even more than before I found out about the nature of his relationship.

"Well, Carl kept coming out of the office to make drinks so I asked him every time to tell me what was going on, but he said it wasn't for a kid to know. So I sat at the bar drinking a Coke for a long time by myself. It got pretty late. Then, Paulie came out of the back looking really drunk, but merry again. I was glad he was happy. But...I know now he wasn't. They'd gotten him drunk to make him forget about his troubles. It was a huge mess. But, now every time I hear that song he was singing I remember that night and I can't hear that song anymore. Even when he sang it in Christmas shows after, I remembered that night and it made me really sad for him again. So...that's why."

She looked into her coffee again, and began to stir at nothing. Both Ambrose and I were quieted. I looked at Ambrose, and he seemed to be even more saddened than before. He leaned on his elbows, staring down at the table. He pressed his lips together and closed his eyes. I wanted to hug him, try to make him feel better. What was going through his head, making him so upset?

But I didn't have to wonder long.

"Miss Paula used to...talk about Avi a lot," he said, still staring down at the table, "when she'd...when..."

"Oh...baby..." Miss Cha Cha gasped, looking like someone had struck her. Her eyes became glassy. Her hand started to rub his back and he sighed very deeply in his melancholy.

"She seemed to love him a lot, but I didn't know who he was until you told us now. When I'd ask about him she told me not to worry myself and she'd change the subject. I had no idea he..." he exhaled and closed his eyes again. "If I ever met him I think I'd punch him in the face. For her."

"Well, fate is not always kind. I bet he's got a nice little family now, maybe even grand-kids. I bet he's living a blessed life even though he did that to Paulie," Miss Cha Cha said quietly, her eyes becoming even more glassy. She blinked several times and lifted her cup to her mouth.

I was paused still. I could only think of one thing Ambrose had said that didn't seem to fit. When she'd. 'When she'd' what? I stared at Ambrose, hoping he'd say more, but he didn't.

"Sorry for the sad story," Miss Cha Cha said with finality, getting up. She gathered our box and closed it, the doughnuts inside untouched. "We'll take this home. Gotta get that tree up in the apartment, you know? We've still got work ahead of us. Then we have to get a tree to your Mama, Ruiz."

"Yeah," I groaned, thinking about having to drag another tree down the block.

Ambrose was still not saying anything, staring blankly even though he was getting up with us. On the way out, I took his hand and he looked at me with a little smile. I was so worried about him. What had he not said? This was what seemed to be making him the most sad. I wanted to know so I could comfort him more than to please my own curiosity. But if he wouldn't say...and something inside of me told me I shouldn't ask. That this was something very delicate. I felt conflicted, between my love and wanting to care for him and respecting his privacy. There had to be a reason why he hadn't said it. But what was it?

We piled into the car, and Miss Cha Cha turned on the radio in her habit. The station was playing hip hop, completely not about Christmas.

"Now this is more like it," Miss Cha Cha laughed, shifting the car into drive.

As we pulled away from the curb, I wrapped my mittened hand around Ambrose's bare one again, but he didn't look at me, his eyes downcast and full of tears.