155: Aubrey

In our room at the hotel. There was this moment when we stepped into our room, the coolness assailed me. I felt the sweat freeze on my body, I felt the intensity of let down, and simply staggered to a half doubled over position. Rafe turned the light on and flopped onto the bed.

"This is da bomb, baby." He pressed the pillow over his eyes and bent his knees. I straightened as best I could.

That was when I saw Mom's dress hanging in the corner, from a stick—a broom stick?--- and lodged in the lamp shade. Okay--- so this dress deserves some credit. It has a square neckline, and is form fitting all the way to its flaring floor length train. She'd put her shoes--- simple but very elegant white heeled pumps—in here too. The dress was decorated with the most elegant of laces--- sewn and strewn with seed pearls, and the short sleeves capped with scallops, dripping with pearls. I'd seen her dress once before when it wasn't in pictures, mom had worn it for a Young Women's Temple activity. I walked to it now. It was exquisite. I couldn't believe she was letting me wear it.

"That your mom's dress?" Rafe had sat up. I now noticed his tux was hanging in the bathroom.

"Yes." I said reverently.

"You wear it with garments?"

I turned to him. "Why do you ask? After we are married we wear the garments all the time."

"So I hear."

"You didn't know that?"

"I knew it. I just hadn't thought about it explicitly to do with myself."

I walked to the bed and he leaned forward to wrap his arms and legs around me. He buried his face in my chest--- nicely.

"You okay?" He mumbled, as I played with his hair, feeling the weirdness rolling off me in showers.

"I'm much better."

"What happened?"

I shook my head slowly. "I really can't say. Just had a small--- very small--- mental episode. I knew it was happening, for the most part, not when it first started--- I was disoriented and confused and just kept trying to get to you, but I really hallucinated there for a moment. It was fairly awful, till they got you and then it started retreating."

He blew out hot breath on my skin and I shivered. "I relive it, Aubrey, a lot. Not every minute or anything, but too much. I think we need counseling." His shoulders shook with remembered fear and exertion.

I nodded, pulling his face up by the chin so I could look into his eyes. "I agree."

"It's not that I think it could have played any differently. I don't. It's not even that I feel responsible--- in any way. I don't. It is what it is. But I feel pretty crazy inside with the outcome." I knew he was talking about Teotihuacan, not my nervous breakdown.

The outcome of Teotihuacan was pretty horrific. I swallowed hard against his nose, smoothed his hair absently and felt nauseated at the thoughts permeating my being. Flying cement and bullets--- real bullets--- real----

It was shocking, and dreadful and insane. 

What was there to say? I didn't know how to help him. He thought he'd killed someone, maybe more than one person. People who were trying their best to kill us! It had been war--- real war--- yes, we needed counseling.

"How was the music?" I changed the subject.

"Fall into the Ocean."

I smiled. "Not really. Is it?"

"Well, we didn't have a chance to really get into it. I had my lap top and I'd done some stuff, so the guys and Parker and Zack stayed and listened to what I'd got so far. But I don't know what we'll be able to accomplish in the next few days. What do you think? Are we going to be able to accomplish anything?"

I cocked my head judiciously. "Yeah, I do. I think it's possible we might accomplish some of that counseling you're talking about."

"Do you want to just go home?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Okay. Don't you want a honeymoon?"

"Rafe, I don't need any worldly traditions to be married to you. They are nice, and they satisfy other's need to celebrate--- cool. That's cool. But that isn't what matters to me."

He was nodding, as he sniffed me appreciably, his hands splayed against my back. "From now until 3pm.... Tell me what's happening." His hands dropped, and the air conditioner hummed to life. I heard the strange call of the elevator outside in the hall, a funny shaking as it trembled to a stop on our floor. We both slumped.

I closed my eyes. "Well, we should shower and dress in regular church clothes, we'll go to the distribution center here in Mexico City and buy our g—'s, and our whites."

"Whites?"

"Temple clothes."

"Oh, yeah, I read about that."

"And we'll go to the temple and --- I don't know. You know what I know."

"Did you know Ben got his interview as well? Jeff is gonna wait for Rhonda, but Ben is going through with us. So, my dad is my escort, and your dad is going to be Ben's."

"What about his dad?"

"Passed away."

"Oh. Sorry. Right, well, that's very nice." My words sounded clipped and out of focus--- and I wondered about that counseling--- would it help with the fuzzies? My brain felt so fandom and yes--- fuzzy.

"Let me explain as best I can about the temple." Rafe decided to keep us focused, for this I was grateful. "We will check in, maybe talk to somebody and then we'll be separated--- I will go to the guys side and you'll go change on the girls side. We'll wait for each other--- and then we'll go into the session. This comes out in the celestial room, and we'll head to a sealing room to be sealed. Bishop told me everything to expect. Afterwards we will get some time alone in the celestial room, and we'll be able to go outside for pics. And to meet the family."

I pictured alone time in the most beautiful room in the temple--- I'd seen pictures of course--- what would we talk about? What feelings would we share that we would never ever share exactly the same way again? What bonds would we be feeling? 

"Your Dad told me we'll go get some dinner--- he's scoped out someplace nice--- and then we'll be dropped off at a different hotel. I told him that wasn't necessary, but he insists we do it his way this time. And he doesn't want to see us till Saturday--- two whole days--- and then we will go back through a session at the temple with the family and have a family reception at this hotel. By then the new bus will be here, and we can--- if we want--- head to Palenque, to the ruins there. If not, we can simply go to Veracruz--- our next venue."

He had backed up from me, letting the cooler air hit our sweaty skin, but not far--- wanting to be connected. This was uncharted territory for both of us. Envisioning it was necessary given our current state of thought. I was glad he was feeling the same as me.

"Ben told me it's relatively easy from here on out. Two days at every venue. Palenque, Campeche, Merida, Cancun, and then fly back here, and hit Querataro, Irapuato, and one more gig at El Foro Sol, right here. And then, two nights in Rio, and we are free to go home. Ben says we are going home. He thinks Allen has gigs lined up stateside. Or we can have a rather leisurely rest of the summer. My mom says she is planning a small family reception in LA."

I decided to let myself fall back onto the bed. The spread flattened against me, the embroidery poking my bare arms. "You know. That all sounds really doable."

He nodded. "I think so too."

I kicked off my shoes. "I think I might shower again."

"Really?"

"You don't think I need to? I feel like I sweat to death this morning."

"Yeah, okay. I'm going to lay here and listen to you."

I smiled. "Okay. But later--- later there won't be any lying there listening to me."

He sat up. "Hey, you're right." His eyes spoke volumes about that subject.

"Okay then. Just so you're aware."

"Oh baby, I'm aware."

********