153: Aubrey

I didn't feel like being away from him. I looked back over my shoulder three times, before excusing myself to our mothers and ran down the hall after him. I caught him barely as he was heading into a closed off room. He turned around and seemed surprised to see me.

"Aubrey?"

I tip toed up to kiss him again, even though the feel of his lips was still fresh from a kiss goodbye in the outer rooms. I held him kinda granny style, pressing my cheek to his. There was this overwhelming feeling of relief, and suddenly I was wondering what was wrong with me. The clinical mind was kicking in.

"Hey, you okay, baby?"

His tender voice had my insides rushing to meet him. I shook my head, unable to speak.

He glanced around, presumably to see if anyone was looking, or maybe for a place to go that was more private. Neither item was anywhere near. Except for this band photographer... I buried my face in his arm pit.

Rafe chuckled. "Please tell me those are not tears." He whispered.

"Not." I mumbled, even though just the thought of them made them brim.

"Is it Jake?" He knew it shouldn't be my period.

"Dunno." But that answer sounded like my period.

"Well, you don't have to have a reason." He stroked my hair and moved aside as someone went past us. "Do you want to skip the wedding planning session? You can come in and be with us."

I knew that was what he wanted. He wanted me to sing with him again--- even in here, in a studio. He had mentioned it more than once.

"I promised Mommy." I knew they were to the stages of planning where they needed our input, and since Rafe was temporarily out of commission for that sort of stuff, as he was recording, that job fell to me. He nodded, understanding. His whole arm stroked my back and his hand splayed into my loose hair. He kissed me through it firmly.

"You're okay."

"I know." I said, miffed at myself for acting like a looby.

Rafe chuckled again, his silly smile in place as I backed up to look at him and wipe my eyes.

"Make up?"

"It's fine."

"My make up? Is it smeared?"

"Oh." He looked at me carefully. "No, it's fine too."

I stared up at him for confirmation and then nodded and wiped again. He grabbed my arm, biting his lip. "You're okay."

"I am."

"Then smile."

I nodded, but couldn't quite bring the smile into focus. I am not sure why this was happening. I just didn't want to be separated. Not that I thought anything bad was about to happen, on the contrary, I thought today needed to go this way, and I would see him in just a little while. In fact, I honestly was disturbed at my emotional state. I hugged him and hurried back the way I had come where Kell was waiting, tapping his foot good-naturedly in the hall. Rafe saluted him and I skipped to Kell's side.

"I detect misery in the bride-to-be. You will come and speak to me about it." Kell's arm was comforting and annoying at the same time as he ushered me into a small alcove near the room we were meeting Mommy and Lance in.

"Aw, that's nice of you, but there's nothing to speak about. I'm fine."

"You are not fine. I saw you wiping your eyes in his pits."

"It wasn't in his pits. I had my hand up."

"It was in his pits. Tell me. Tell me. Is it bride nerves? Have you two screwed up?"

"What? Why would you say that?"

"The intimacy level is at a 10."

"What are you talking about?"

"The whole couples thing. When a couple is not sleeping together, they act a certain way, and when they are, they act a different way. I am not your mother, I don't see auras, but I can tell when a couple has reached an intimacy level where they are ---- one--- shall we say?"

I sighed and smiled. "Well, that's nice of you to observe us so carefully, and we do sleep together. In fact, I distinctly recall you giving us permission to do just that. It's completely unorthodox, and gives me a slightly uneasy feeling when I say it out loud--- but otherwise it has become the norm for us."

"I am concerned Aubrey, about the extent of trauma you have both sustained in recent months, and since you've met."

"And you think we might be making a mistake?"

He reared back, his dark eyes thoughtful and reproachful. "No, no, definitely no. I do not think that. I am asking for your expert medical opinion, surely you have thought of this aspect?"

"I have. Quite a bit actually. But the relationship was solid before this latest trauma, so it is just a matter of getting though it together. We're fine. It's how we roll."

He hugged my side. "That is all I needed to hear."

"Then let's go see how far you have gotten with this wedding planning thing."

"This wedding planning thing?" He repeated. "Your comment is flippant, as if planning your wedding doesn't appeal to you."

"It doesn't. I planned the wedding. And it is to be in the temple. Other than that, not much else matters to me. It matters to mommy and my concern is that she is planning to her hearts content."

Kell ushered me to the room where Mommy was sitting with Lance looking at their phones. Cooper and Maille were playing catch with a nerf ball in the corner. When Cooper saw me she ran to sit on my lap.

"Aubrey." Mommy kissed my cheek, her eyes shining, in her element now that things were getting planned. "Bridesmaids? Lance has told me that he and Ben are to be Best Men. Has Rafe said anything else?"

"No."

"I have them in black formal wear with gold accents. According to Rafe's color choices."

I smoothed Cooper's hair.

"Does that meet with your approval?"

I nodded, trying not to appear absent, which I was. And I wondered why. It wasn't like me to be inattentive to Mom. Or anyone for that matter. Why was I feeling absent? I went through an instant diagnostic of myself, not a medical thing, but a personal thing, and found--- tension, irrational irritation--- mostly at myself. And a song playing in my head--- a longing for the surgery table and my life back.

Good Grief.

I jostled Cooper.

"Aubrey, did you hear me?" I looked up, they were all staring at me.

"Yes. What?"

"Bridesmaids?"

"Oh. Om, Brianna, and Jeff and Jeremy, and Levi and Mutt. They've all become my best friends, and ----." I felt my eyes well up again, and looked away. "Yeah."

Mommy looked at me critically and then finished writing down my response. She looked up. "If you choose one more person, it will even out both sides."

I glanced at Lance who was grinning broadly. "I think you've made excellent choices."

My lips worked against my cheeks. "Um hm."

"May I suggest that you choose one of your brothers? Or perhaps another sister you are close to?"

My brain focused on that thought momentarily, as it switched instantly to what Rafe might be doing. Yesterday at this time we were on our way to the volcano.

Which was a honeymoon thing to do---- I reminded myself. Today was a work day. There were going to be work days. We'd have to be separated.

Cooper squirmed down and went back to playing ball.

"Kell."

"Yes, darling?" He was attentive, he was eyeing me critically.

"Will you?"

"I would be honored."

I knew it was unconventional. Mommy was likely having an inner conniption fit, wishing I'd picked girls she could deck out in whatever outfits she'd chosen. It was more fun to choose dresses and accessories than tuxedos.

But Mommy was busily writing and checking her phone. "I think we will change from the solid gold for the men, to a variety of the wedding colors. Lance will you decide who will wear which colors? These are the colors."

Janice came in just then. I looked up and tried to smile, but for some stupid reason it was hard to even smile. Lance grinned at his mother. "Right up your alley mom. Come sit by me and decide this stuff." Janice gave me one quick irritated look and went to her son. He'd also written down the bridesmaids and groomsmen choices. She was startled and looked up at me speculatively.

"If you wish another female bridesmaid, and you have no friends, I'm sure my daughter Chris would step in."

I blinked long and slow and then got up, having lost the nerve to fight my jitters if that's what they were. "No, Chris and I have our differences, and I'm sure she would be happier on the sidelines, than at a temple wedding reception ring exchange. And I have friends, but this occasion is just for family. I'll have Kell, or nobody." I pushed my chair in.

Kell was right there. He didn't say anything, but Lance was standing also. His eyes were so compassionate.

"Kell, why don't you stay and referee? I can take Aubrey in to Rafe."

"I don't need help getting to Rafe." I started for the door, feeling stupid and miserable. I imagined the bus--- the one that was blown up and burned to the ground--- and I longed for those close nights together, with the blue light and the curtained privacy, and the funny talks. I had such a strong image of this, that for a second my vision didn't show me the table or chairs or people in the room. That was startling as well.

Kell had nodded at Lance and Lance had excused himself. I was trying to find the doorway. Lance reached for my arm and I jerked it away. He didn't say anything, nobody did. I could imagine what they were saying though--- they were words I was saying to myself: bride nerves, been through a traumatic experience, out of my comfort zone, too much going on, stressed out.

I stumbled out of the room, knowing that behind me were caring and compassionate, very om--- what was the word?--- capable--- loving family. Mom didn't need me to plan a wedding. Kell didn't need me to manage mom. Janice was ---- Janice. Maille was amazing, and compassionate and there if I needed her.

Lance was beside me. "How about we go back to the room real quick and wash your face?"

"Why? Is my face dirty?" I whirled to him in a weird anxious way.

"No." Lance laughed. "I wanted to give you a moment to collect yourself. You seem to be experiencing a bit of a fugue."

"Fugue?" That was when you forgot who you were. "I know who I am."

"I was using the term loosely. Perhaps, you are feeling stressed out?"

"I just want to---." I felt my eyes well up again. "Be with----."

Lance stepped close, haltingly close, afraid to touch me lest I bolt out the door or something. I wasn't about to. I just wanted Rafe. I knew I was worrying people, and I didn't want to do that either. I whirled around, wondering which way to go.

Lance took my hand. I tried hard not to jerk it away, but I didn't want to be touched. The image of the bus struck me again, and I know I covered my eyes with my other hand.

"Aubrey? Tell me what's going on." Lance demanded.

"I'm--- wishing I was someplace else. And I keep seeing those places really strongly, as if they were really there. My mom's into psychology--- she'd probably say PTSD. I think...." I covered my face again and blinked to remove sights that I knew really weren't there. The beach outside my home in LA, the pond in the back of Kell and Maille's place.

Lance made this pt tt tt noise with his lips and then looked back over his shoulder. I looked too. Kell was standing there. Lance nodded--- I saw Rafe's massage room.

Kell's arms were strong, the right kind of comfort. Lance could have been, but he didn't know me well enough. I turned into Kell's chest, and closed my eyes.

And when I did I heard a voice.

"Rafe said he wanted some coffee, I'm just stepping out to---- well, hello there, Lance! It's so good to see you!"

"America?" Lance said and I felt my world tilting on its axis.

Axis.... Axis.....

If I kept my eyes closed--- I felt my heart racing--- yes, unnaturally racing.

America had been in there with Rafe? America the model? She'd been in there with Rafe and he wanted what? Coffee? He didn't drink coffee, did he?

"What's wrong with her? She looks positively pale."

Kell turned me away. My body felt leaden. The weird thing was that even though I knew my brain was foggy, I also knew what was happening. Was this the curse of being in the medical field?

"Tell Mommy---- I think its PTSD."

"Are you reliving it?" Kell whispered.

"No--- other things. My mind is reaching for a softer place. A calmer place."

"Okay." He kept me plugged into his side, and I heard his voice. "Yes, now would be good." I wasn't sure what that meant, but the warmth that had been Lance's barricading body was now transferred to something much smaller.

"Is she okay?"

"Please, America, now isn't a good time. Please leave us." Kell's voice was calm, but I detected a funny tone--- as if he were anxious. Kell was hardly ever anxious. He was mostly swaggeringly confident. I saw the brick wall and the spigot where I'd filled my water gun. I could hear the ocean. I longed to be there.

"She was acting kind of weird this morning too." I heard Rafe's voice coming down the hall and I tried to turn to him--- wanting the security of those tattooed arms, and the comfort of his presence. But I hadn't wanted to break up his session. I'd just wanted to be in there with him. Why was America in there with him?

I didn't turn, I didn't open my eyes. But Kell gave me to Rafe. I knew it as sure as I knew I was having some kind of weird melt down. His scent filled my nostrils. I felt Kell and Lance close, as if they were the brick wall. I shook my head, wishing it would clear. I felt tired--- very tired.

"Kell, tell Mommy. It's a nervous breakdown." I said softly. "Confusion, crying, weariness, disorientation...." I was muttering the symptoms--- fast muttering, as I watched the slide show of alternate places slide across my brain. "Dizziness, nausea, head ache, back ache-."

Rafe's hands in my hair, against my skin, along my shoulder blades. "Aubrey, walk with me." He would know I couldn't stand the thought of being carried out of here. I moved my feet, seeing the waterfall in Glacier, the interior of Kell's car, the car door, and Rafe leaning against it.

I moved one foot in front of the other. I felt my vision clear momentarily, and felt Rafe's heart beating under my hand.

He found a place, I guess, where we were just us--- a place we could sit down, or I could. A chair in a small room. He squatted in front of me.

"Why was America with you?" I asked.

"She wasn't."

"I heard her, she was going to get you coffee. I heard Kell tell her now wasn't a good time."

"America isn't here."

"Did you want coffee?"

"No."

"Am I hallucinating?"

"Maybe."

"I just want to be with you. I'm not sick. This is stress."

"I know."

"Are you stressed too?"

"More than I've ever been in my life."

"Is it me? Is it marrying me?"

"No--- I'd marry you today without all this fanfare."

"Is it what happened?"

"I think I killed a guy, Aubrey. That's freaking me out completely. Yeah."

"What about your music? Isn't it helping?"

"No. It's f-ing with my head."

"Mine too."

He had his hands on my knees. "Let's get married today."

"You think that will help?"

"When I'm stressed--- I try and get control of the pressing things that I actually have control over."

"So, getting married?" My eyes searched his--- back and forth, back and forth.

"Think about it. This whole thing, everybody here, everybody in our faces."

"It would get rid of the guilt too."

"You have guilt? About not saving Jake?"

"No--- not exactly." But saying it made my tears well up and out instantly. He stroked my hair, rocked back on his haunches.

"About what?"

"Sleeping together."

To my surprise he nodded. "Me too. It will alleviate that, won't it?"

"Yeah." I breathed and smiled for the first time. "Okay. How do we go about that?"

"Call Kell." He nodded and pulled out his phone. "Dial Kell."

"Hola, como estas?" I heard Kell's voice immediately on the other line. Rafe took a deep breath and put it on speaker.

"We have a partial solution to our problem."

"I'm ready."

"Aubrey and I want to be married today."

There was no pause. I'd thought there would be a pause and a protest. There was not even a hesitation. "That can be arranged."

"What about Saturday?"

"What about it? We go to the temple with the whole crew just like planned. We can take more pics outside, we can even do sealings, we can wear the blasted dress and the tux's, and have the shin dig. But between now and then, you two can take a load of stress off--- Privately of course."

Rafe was stunned. I think he'd envisioned a deeper protestation.

"Listen to me, kids." Kell went on. "I'll call the temple and make the arrangements. Your Stake President and his wife, and your Bishop and his wife have arrived via Gavin and Amy."

I didn't know what to say. Rafe took that issue away.

"Thanks, bro." He hung up.

*******