146: Rafe

There wasn't a solid set list. We were too broken up. I signaled to Levi and he simply started playing. Ben was that good as well--- he could read me like a book. And Tracy and Aubrey stayed on keyboards.

True to her word, her guys had arrived, and set up an entire second area with all their equipment, and they all played incredibly, backing us up, when as she'd known we would, we forgot where we were in a song, forgot lyrics, or couldn't read the ones that were right in front of us. Tracy's voice, as I'd known from singing with her before, could almost duplicate mine.

There came a point in a song I sing at almost every concert if not in any particular order, it's just a favorite of every audience, and they are disappointed if we don't do it--- but there came a point, when I just couldn't go on. Ben started to come down on the center platform as I doubled over, out of breath, maybe hyperventilating some, and Tracy hopped up from the background piano seat and ran down to the stage with me, lifted me back up, and started singing my words with me. Her eyes were full of energy, her confidence rare, and she just had this incredible showmanship.

It wasn't a girl song either. It wasn't an easy song. It was crazy fast lyrics and the vocals were challenging and she sang it as if it was part of her own repertoire. I'll admit I am energetic on stage. I run from one end to the other all night. If we are on for an hour and a half, which is normal, I run and jump the entire time. I am fast, I am busy, I am running. And this girl--- this performer went with me, the opposite way, the back to my front, the upstage to my down, whatever, she performed with me, she kept me going. She is the consummate pop star.

When the audience realized who she was they were screaming even more if that were possible. And I fed off their energy like a vampire.

And then it was time for the closing songs, those ones we'd promised Aubrey as middle songs. I knew I just couldn't do any more, and we were at that time of the night, having gone with no set list and performed admirably. I signaled to Levi, who I have to also admit, is the proper drummer for this band. He anticipates me almost as well as Jeff and Ben who I've known since third grade.

I was there by myself, Tracy had slid into back stage somewhere, leaving me intact, and comfortable. I am not used to someone helping me out, even though I was grateful for it. I explained—out of breath again--- to the audience that we had this experience today, maybe some of them had heard, and it was likely that all future gigs on this circuit would be or had been postponed or canceled--- nevertheless, we would be playing these two closing songs as a major break and tribute to those who'd lost their lives today in our defense.

Just saying that choked me up.

Ben came down on the center platform with me, Jeff flanked my other side. I didn't have my guitar, so we sang with Tracy's backup band, and Aubrey on the keys, singing the chorus:

"It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again...."

I literally thought I'd lose it. But for some reason I didn't. We all three picked it up and held the torch. It was amazing. I could feel the spirit so strong. No, it wasn't all right. Nothing was all right about losing four men, about possibly killing young men who were fighting us, about losing a father and mother, as had little Felicity. But I could feel the spirit.

They weren't alone, gone or forgotten. They lived, somewhere in some dimension, and they knew of our love for them all.

Ben said that. Like he had just read my thoughts, he said exactly those words. And Jeff said their names: Tim, Lavon, Mack, Jake, Gomez, Carlos, Ariana.

I was crying again, when it was over, I was doubled over in pain, those images up close and personal in my brain. I didn't think I could go on. It was ludicrous to think we could be expected to keep---

Aubrey.

Somebody brought stools, yes, just like the Eagles. Somebody brought acoustic guitars. Somebody brought microphones. I barely comprehended that Ben was speaking---

My eyes were seeing bright flashes, my legs were weak. I sat gratefully, used to being in charge, used to a whole different rhythm. My thoughts were random, my feelings were all over the place. Aubrey placed her hand on my leg and in that bright, freaking hot light she leaned over and said, "Rafe, you're having some delayed shock. It is my expert medical opinion that you should beg off, and leave the stage, lie down, before you pass out."

I stared at her, sweat pouring off my face, and down my sides. My hands were shaking again and I really did feel sick to my stomach. I felt like the faces of those who had come at me earlier were right there, in the sea of faces ahead and to all sides of me.

"How about if I just sit here?"

"Take a deep breath." She commanded, her voice gentle but so firm, and her eyes on me were tender, and determined, that funny Aubrey doctor confident I was learning to like. She kept her hand on me, and hers wasn't shaking.

I started to hear the instruments again, the screams and hoots of the audience. My vision started to clear, I'd not even noticed that it wasn't focused.

Aubrey's voice was calm. "Hey, baby, how about that Ferris Wheel?" I instantly pictured the Venice Beach Ferris Wheel. "How about that yummy cotton candy?" She licked her lips and I was reminded of kissing her one of our first kisses, so erotic, so unprecedented. "Hey, Rafe, how about our food fight in your kitchen? Wanna make some cookies tonight?"

"Yeah." I said and cupped her cheek to me, my senses returning--- I slowly leaned in to her, kissing her waiting lips softly, once, twice, three times, a little tongue, her warm response, so controlled, so familiar, so rewarding, such a deep connection to her.

I hadn't realized she had been holding my wrist, taking my pulse. I sniffed, wiped the sweat off my head with my shirt hem. The audience was swaying, singing with the soft music playing in the background. I heard it. I felt it. It was right, it was real. I looked at her and then picked up the acoustic guitar that had been left by my stool. Ben was already playing on the other side of me. I listened to his chord changes, to his soft rhythmic picking. It was repetitive. Very repetitive.

Aubrey did the count and we all six started singing together:

"There's a hole in the world tonight.
There's a Cloud of fear and sorrow.
There's a hole in the world tonight.
Don't let there be a hole in the world tomorrow.


Oh they tell me there's a place over yonder,
Cool water running through the burning sand,
Until we learn to love one another
We will never reach the promise land.


There's a hole in the world tonight.
Don't let there be a hole in the world tomorrow."

If you've never heard this memorable Eagles song, then you won't know it has just the two verses, but they and the gentle reminder of a chorus are repeated enough times to memorize the whole thing and sing along which is what our mostly Mexican audience did. Aubrey sang the first verse by herself, and I sang the second. Then Tracy and I sang the first again, and we all sang the chorus in different ways till we'd become over saturated with it, and I signaled the band to end it. The lights went completely out and there would be no encore. The audience was stunned, and didn't at first respond.

That was okay.

Me and my band, and my loyal support group exited the stage--- stage left.

*****