137: Rafe

Touching Aubrey...

Dreaming of touching Aubrey...

Arguing with Aubrey...

Walking with her...

Listening to her...

Singing with her...

I settled for singing with her. That stilled my heart and settled me back to a lucid memory I could sleep to. Aubrey knew music. Lots of music. That trait was fascinating to me. I wanted to learn classic music in all forms. I wanted to tap that knowledge of hers, let it flow around me, and educate me. But singing with her wasn't just knowing what she knew about music.

First: her eyes. When Aubrey sang her eyes took on a brightness. That brightness spoke of emotion she didn't always let herself feel.

Second. Her body: Ah! Filled with tension, filled with energy. It glowed around her, crackled in her flowing hair, sparkled along her arms and fingers that curled and straightened, and elegantly moved to the feeling of the music. Always. It wasn't the posturing many, many performers had adopted to show emotion. That whole bending way over thing, or raising and lowering the arms as if the emotion of the song couldn't be born standing normally. This just resonated off Aubrey naturally. I would give a lot to be that performer.

Third: Her voice. Did she not understand her own voice? Aubrey had this funny reserve when it came to using her voice. Like it was inside, in a well, at the bottom of the well, wanting to preserve itself. Her range was---- frankly---- huge. Her pitch was naturally perfect. And she could hear it too. She knew when others were off, and could correct them. That may have come from years of playing the piano, but it also came from genetics. But the tone: did she not get her own tone?

I wanted to help her realize this feature. It was something I was uniquely qualified to do. I had what it took to help an artist understand and develop their voice. I knew that was my gift. I heard other people's talents and valued them. I loved them. And I loved Aubrey's voice. I wanted to sing with her more.

I should have fallen back to sleep by now. But I was pleasantly aroused lying beside her, and the thoughts racing around my mind about singing were less about singing and more about making love as the moments dragged on. I forced myself to breathe naturally. She was such a light sleeper, she might wake at the sound of a breathing pattern change. Slowly I slipped out of bed.

There was refuge from Aubrey.... In her music.

And I heard her music.

I went to the bathroom, and then got my guitar that had thoughtfully been placed in our room, and closed the bathroom doors. Then I sat on the floor with my back against the wall and began to play, and hum, and think the words that filled my soul.

Of all my music: of all my music....

This song would always hold a special place in my heart.

It was one of the most honest songs I'd ever written and---- it came pouring out of me intact in about twenty minutes. I don't think that had ever happened to me before. Not like this. Melody, sound, lyrics.... I heard other music when I wrote it too, but then it would drift into a solid line and I could write it down.

Other songs I'd been working on really came to the fore while I wrote this.

She doesn't have gray eyes--- but gray represented to me the mixture between brown and blue--- the mixture of the two of us--- male and female, light and dark----

Aubrey stood at the door. She looked sleep rumpled like a little kid, her oversized t-shirt and her silky smooth legs--- if she'd stuck her thumb in her mouth it'd have been perfect.

"How long have you been up?" She managed, her voice croaking, her hand twirling in her hair, and her eyes still half closed.

"A while." I answered and wrote the finishing touches down on another song I'd simply worked on. I wanted to run it by Ben. I had a lot of unshed creative energy thriving in me right this moment. Normally right now, I would go find Ben and maybe Jeff, if he wasn't too hung over and we'd mess around with music. It was a huge outlet.

She nodded. "Can I use the restroom?"

I smiled gently, derailed. Guys would have walked past me and taken a piss. Girls would have stepped over me and done the same. Aubrey meant--- please vacate.

I did, moving out to the bed. There was a knock on the door and Ben was there, with coffee and a pastry. Actually—several.

I took the coffee's from him and put them on the table, taking the lid off mine and sniffing it. I hadn't had coffee in two weeks. It smelled divine.

Ben was dressed in slacks and a white button down. "Going somewhere?" I asked, flopped on the bed with my coffee.

He sat in the chair. "Church."

I felt this weird sense of disconnect. I knew we had church--- but it hadn't been on my mind yet. I looked at my watch. We still had over an hour. "You're up early."

"Been working."

"Me too."

"There's crazy music in the air. I think it's the place. Or I miss Addie."

I set the coffee down and got my guitar, unplugging it from the ear buds. I started playing and singing. Ben listened, closing his eyes. When I was done, Aubrey was standing in the doorway, dressed in a skirt and blouse, her hair piled artfully. Ben had this sublime expression on his face. He'd been swaying, his head nodding. He'd even started humming.

"Sweet." He said when the final notes had drifted off. "No intro?"

"Just the verse. I repeat it in the coda later."

"I heard that."

Aubrey came and sat down in the other straight backed wooden chair. "Your bridge is fantastically unique."

We both turned to look at her. It was almost an intrusion from an outside source. I felt this weird mixture of needing her input and wanting her to leave the room so Ben and I could discuss it.

I wasn't even sure what to say right then. I had been so embroiled in the music.

"The song is about Aubrey, right?" Ben broke the stillness.

"Yeah." I answered looking at her again. She was so beautiful there in the sunlight streaming in from that coke bottled wavy window.

"You want me to go get some breakfast?" She stood up and straightened out her skirt.

"It's fast Sunday." Ben said, and set his coffee down on the floor. "I got you a coffee, but you probably don't drink coffee, and you probably are fasting. Sorry." He smacked his forehead with his hand.

"I'll drink hers." I said.

"I wasn't going to fast today." Aubrey smiled. She didn't elaborate and I wasn't sure if it was her period, if she was still on it, or if it was the traveling... lots of people on tours had all kinds of bowel trouble with traveling. "I fasted yesterday." She finally added, and I realized that we had.

I got up and went into the bathroom to shower and get ready. At first I had almost wanted to decline church at all. Not because of the priesthood thing, but because I was in a creativity mode. But then I thought of Alma, giving it his all, and Nephi, and Jesus Christ, and I realized I couldn't do less... so much less.

It was bright and hot outside, and on the way to the church I called Kevin Kilmer our main producer and asked if there was a studio in Mexico City we could lay down these newer tracks. I told him about the break through's on some of the stuff we'd worked on before. It was highly unusual to do studio time while on tour this way, but I felt like it was imperative that we get it all down. Kevin wasn't even slightly interested. Wanted to stick with the plan of doing it when we got home.

And that was when Aubrey reminded me that Zack could do it. Or Parker. Or both of them. I handed her the phone.

Aubrey pulled her own phone out of her pocket, checked the time and then dialed.

"Zack. Hi, it's me." She flipped it to speaker and Jeremy and Levi, who had joined us, turned around curiously.

"Hey, its baby sister! The one gallivanting all over Mexico with a famous pop band."

Zack is six years older than me, married with six kids and a beautiful wife, and he and Parker often collaborate. But I knew Natalie was closer to having her baby, so I don't know if Parker would travel.

"Yes, it's me. And I am out of the country, so I'll make this short. I'm here with Rafe Stryker and we are on our way to church, and we'll be in Mexico City Thursday through Monday of this week. Rafe is like Mom, he's got all this music in his head he needs to download, and he actually wants to spend a little studio time working. He called his producer and he was too busy to help us out. I was wondering if...."

I heard Zack chuckle. "You want me to help you out... in Mexico City?"

"Do you have any time?"

"You know I'm booked solid."

"Well, it was worth a shot. I don't know how all this works."

"But I will arrange it, just for you. Thursday through Monday, this week. Does he have his own engineers with him? Or do I need to bring a team? I haven't worked out of Mexico City."

"We have a couple of guys." Rafe said.

"Okay. So, I'll just bring Parker and.... Probably Fallon."

"You can't bring Fallon." I spoke too quickly.

"Ah ha. Now I'm bringing Fallon for sure. Why don't you want Fallon? He's one of the best in the industry."

I was silent too long, trying to think of a good reason not to bring the biggest tease in the world. Nothing was sacred to Fallon. Nothing.

"Chicken." Zack said. "You're a chicken."

"Pock pock pawk!" I stated serenely.

He laughed. "Does Rafe know about Fallon?"

"He's only met Parker. We recorded Fall into the Ocean in just a few hours."

"And that is one amazing song, guys. I was very impressed with your work, and the catchy bluesy genuine feel to it, very nice work."

"Thanks." Rafe said.

"So, you're okay with Parker? Some people find him too controlling."

"He's like a gigantic whirlwind." Rafe said. "But he got it done."

"Yeah, he's a getter done kinda guy."

"Okay, so can we plan on you coming down? Can you make all the arrangements?" I asked.

"Yes. I can do that. Work, work, work, Aubrey Angel, that's all you do. Work, work, work. You know you'll owe me dinner."

"I know." That was Zack's favorite form of payment.

"And Rafe will have to clear it with his producers and stuff. Money involved all that. I'll get back with you about the details in a day or so. I'm not working on the Sabbath, and this, by the way, is the Sabbath."

I admitted that it was, and that we were on our way into the ward building as we spoke. He was suitably impressed and promised to talk to us again soon.

Rafe leaned over and told me that he liked my brothers very much. I smiled. He had no idea. All my brothers were like this. All of them. And he was about to be one of them. This elite circle of men surrounding the Mann Sisters.

******