130:R

I pulled out my phone. I could answer that last question finally. I felt worthy to go to the temple today.

"Dad?"

"Hi Rafe."

"Dad, how are you?"

"Good Rafe. How are you? How is the tour going?"

I knew it was after five a.m. I saw the bus bathroom light go on. We'd have to dress and leave soon. I saw the van's lights also go on.

"Dad, I have to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through such terrible sadness regarding me and my choices. I'm changing, not for you, not for Aubrey, but for me. I'm making some changes. And --- Dad, me and Jeff and Ben--- we're going to do Temple baptisms today in the Guadalajara temple."

I heard my dad's indrawn breath, his sudden soft exclamation of pain and relief. "Rafe, that's truly excellent, son."

I chuckled. "Yeah, it's sure a miracle."

I think I heard him sob, and I wished I could have taken him in my arms. He was getting older, the thought of having one son in the gospel with him must be devastating and glorious all at once.

"Rafe, I'm proud of you son. I heard the concert last night, recorded from somebody's iPhone, but I heard the words, Rafe. I know what you did."

I hadn't realized it was that obvious. It had been subtle changes for sure. "Thanks, dad."

"No, thank you, son. Thank you, Rafe."

We hung up awkwardly, his confidence and pride in me at odds with my own feelings of doubt about myself. I started back toward the bus, when Jake came out of his van. He stretched, looking too old and too stiff. I felt bad for this assignment and yet grateful that he was one of those Richard had chosen. It helped Aubrey feel safer.

He saw me and walked over. "Great morning, friend." He said.

"It is." I replied shaking his hand. He slapped my back.

"This is not a first for me, but it is meaningful, maybe the most meaningful."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Tracy went to the Temples frequently on tour, that was years ago, when the big kids were little. So, it's not my first time. But knowing you are going because you want to, is meaningful. Very meaningful. You boys are exceptional men."

"Are you going too?" I realized he was a member of the church for the first time.

He cracked a huge grin. "You gotta take priesthood with 'cha for temple baptisms boy. You got me and Tim and Aiden."

"Seriously?" I was taken aback to know they were all three priesthood holders. Richard had been very serious about his daughter's safety.

"Our man Tim is staying out with your friends Jeremy and Levi. But Aiden and me are going in. We'll be participating wit 'cha."

"I better go get ready."

"You want to have prayer?"

"Now?" I was so startled, but Jake put his hand on my shoulder and offered a big heartfelt prayer for the spirit to be with us all day, and safety for our crews and roadies. It was simple and deeply felt.

I thanked him and went to the bus. I've never been around prayer so much in my whole life. These people---- and maybe lots of people actually did pray over lots of things---- it was weird, and refreshing. 

When I got in Aubrey was sitting in her new peasant spoon skirt, bright orange and pink and yellow and pretty, with her white embroidered peasant top and the lovely turquoise necklace and earrings and ring. I was honored. Her hair was artfully up and straggling. Ben was beside her in his suit, and Jeff was just coming out of the bathroom. Jeremy and Levi were in the hall, also dressed appropriately.

No one asked me where I'd been. It seemed natural that I'd need time to myself this morning of all mornings. I shaved it all that morning.... Dressed and joined them in the waiting van. Aubrey about had a heart attack.

She fingered my scruff-less face and suddenly burst into silent tears. Chuckling at this unexpected reaction, I held her against me away from other's prying eyes. She couldn't speak without making a sound and so she kept looking at me , petting my clean shaven face, not knowing like the others did that I did this about every other month all year, it wasn't just for today. I saw Ben rubbing his own chin thoughtfully.

I started talking quietly, telling her I'd called my dad, apologized and made things right between us. She was distracted enough to get her bearings again.

It wasn't a long drive to the temple. But there were the two vans, and one of our newly hired drivers had had to come, he looked quite put out. It seemed like people either accepted religion--- or they didn't. And it was an imposition to accept it for pay.

The temple was on a hill, all white and reflecting in the dawn light. The moon was setting above the spire with Moroni on top. The air was cool, and I held my girl's hand as we walked across the parking lot to the white wrought iron fence and inside to the beautifully manicured temple grounds, loaded with lovely flowers, vines and palm trees.

Tim led the way to the baptistery doors, different from the front doors, and before I knew what had happened we were inside again, and enveloped in that strange peaceful, timelessness. I heard music in my head, and wondered if I was about to start writing gospel music and not pop anymore. But it turned out the music I heard was actually coming from the chapel organ, and it was a hymn I knew.

We were greeted warmly by several older men, ushering us to a place to take off our shoes. Jeremy and Levi were taken to the youth waiting rooms, and as they said goodbye, Aubrey was explaining in Spanish to the sister there, that they needed a guide, they were non-members. She was assured they'd be well taken care of.

"Sister Mann." Came a perfectly accented English voice and a Sister with light beige hair extended her hand. "I'm Sister Call, my husband is President of the Guadalajara Temple. Your young men will be taken to the priesthood offices for their interviews. I will help you choose a jumpsuit and get situated. Come with me."

Aubrey turned to me, her eyes wide and shining rather anxiously.

"We'll be fine." I said.

"It's not that." She whispered. "It's weird being separated. I feel funny without you."

I rocked back on my heels and took her into my arms for a hug. I kissed the top of her head, closing my eyes to bask in the love we'd built. "We'll be back in a few minutes, okay?"

She nodded and then turned quickly and gave Ben a hand squeeze, and patted Jeff's arm.

I looked at my two best friends and shook my head with a small smile. They looked as nervous as I felt. I stared at the ground, the light green plush carpet, the cream and orange tile we were about to walk on as we crossed the main area. To the left I could see a chapel through lovely gilt edged windows, coke bottled wavy, with chandelier light. To the right stairs went up and the dark doors at the top indicated the font.

We walked silently across the tile back onto the light green carved carpet, taking in carved wood railings, lightly wall papered walls adorned with giant paintings of the Savior in various aspects of the New Testament. A big one, showed him and John the Baptist in the River Jordan. What I remembered from my first early trips to the baptistery was that I could follow everybody else and always get lost around corners and hallways. This was no exception. Time was not the only thing that fell away inside the temple.

We were led to a room, and a little waiting area with cream colored couches, carved marble tables and mosaic inlays. I was invited inside the office immediately, and the door closed behind me. This time the older gentleman who shook my hand did not seem old at all. He introduced himself as President Call and sat across a small desk from me. The painting behind him was of the Savior in the Americas surrounded by the Lamanite peoples. I stared at the holes he proudly showed in his hands, and realized this was the resurrected Christ. I sat down.

"Brother Stryker." President Call said in perfect English. And then he began to tell me about himself, his home, his calling as President of the Temple, and his association with the latter-day-saints of Guadalajara. Through it all, his dark brown, very compassionate eyes bored into mine. I held his gaze, half fascinated, half deeply confused by my unworthiness, which he finally addressed.

"Only you can decide what you stand for, Brother. It will depend on what attention you choose to give to your spiritual well-being, and your relationship with the Savior."

I was staring hard at the floor. It was a beautiful floor--- carved cream colored carpeting, cherry wood chair legs in my view. I felt the sunshine coming in from a window that stretched across the top of the room--- I looked up and wished to see a bird, or a cloud, or the tip of a palm tree--- grounding me to earth right now. I felt very earthly--- as if being inside this place was somehow unearthly—and I was too earthly.

And finally I started talking. I felt like I had ever talked to anyone. I started telling him about my feelings of unworthiness, and my distress at not being able to take Aubrey to the temple. I told about my feelings when I read the Book of Mormon alone and with her, how we prayed together and separate, how we were like a couple already, and I felt like we should maybe just get married. He asked about my feelings of unworthiness, and where they stemmed from. I was convinced they were from a moral standpoint.

Then he asked me the recommend questions. He had them memorized, and his eyes burned brightly into my soul as he listened to all my thoughts as if we had all the time in the world, or as if as I suspected, time didn't exist in here. I voiced all my concerns, all my defiance's. He listened.

I cried. I held my head in my hands. I felt so unworthy. Pretty sure I needed to go back to the bus. I'm a confident guy--- but before God--- I am not that confident.

"Brother Stryker." President said softly his eyes glistening as I looked up. "This is the remorse that comes with true and deep repentance."

I coughed into my hand.

He signed a piece of paper and handed it to me. "Brother Stryker, please continue to work with your Bishop and Stake President, they care for you very much. I would like to extend to you the Melchezidek Priesthood and the office of Elder, I feel very impressed that you should be advanced to this rank. Brother Stryker the Lord is well pleased with your efforts. He has forgiven you your past sins, son, it is now up to you to forgive yourself."

I left his office in bewildered relief, my tears drying in my eyes. As I shook down my pant legs and stared at the leather of my black shoes I felt this weird calm.  This was a first. And I am a feeling man. I am one who is deeply feeling. And I felt the deepest love I'd ever felt.

I was taken to the dressing rooms and given a couple of jumpsuits and socks and a towel. I was then taken to the chapel where Aubrey was sitting alone, silent, listening to the Sister playing soft hymns. As I sat down beside her, I could see she was praying, so I bowed my head and prayed also.

I didn't know more words could come out of me, but they did. I didn't need to look up, check anything or think. The words just poured from my soul. I felt this deep cleansing feeling as if fire was burning all the bad stuff away inside me.

First Ben and then Jeff and then our priesthood guys, Aiden and Jake came in and sat behind us. I gave them a nod and they smiled at me with gentle kindness. I stared straight ahead as Aubrey's body stiffened and her face rose, her eyes all full and watery. She turned to me, as if she'd not known I was there, and crumpled into my arms for the second time.

"Shhh." I whispered as the music came to a close.

She was nodding, her smile tremulous.

"Baby?"

"I got my answer." She whispered and then moved away from me, except for her hand in mine. She paid attention as the President himself came to stand in front of us. He spoke about baptism, and about those who had passed this life without it. He spoke of the great gulf of misery between those of us who had the ordinance performed while in this life and those who had to rely on others to perform it in their behalf. He spoke especially of loved ones who came to welcome those who were crossing that divide today, whose lives were made whole and complete by our sacrifices today.

Then another older gentleman came and took us all six up those stairs I had noticed earlier, and Jake and Aiden climbed even further steps to the font. The President took my arm as I passed him and stepped to the side. I still had Aubrey tucked under my other arm, and he smiled at her.

"I spoke to your Stake President, Brother Stryker. He has agreed you should come to my ward tomorrow for church. We meet at ten in the morning and I will give your driver the address. There I am to confer the Melchizedek Priesthood on you and your good brothers in the gospel. Rafe, please pray about this responsibility and this advancement in the priesthood. Come ready to speak in church afterward. It is testimony meeting."

I was shaking with emotion. Aubrey was clutching my hand so tightly I thought the circulation might be cut off. Then with a small hug, we finished walking up those steps together and then separated to the locker rooms where we changed clothes, and I was taken from there up another flight of stairs so I could look down on the font and on Aubrey being baptized for and in behalf of those who had passed away. I could barely see her for the incredible warmth in my heart and the incredible peace. I noticed that my knuckles were white on the banister railing, and they left a sweaty imprint when I moved them.

The rest went by in a blur. Not kidding here. A blur. I remember everything and nothing. I knew I was up there, and then I was down and waiting my turn in the water and Ben was in the water, and he was crying and sneezing water out of his nose, and we were all laughing briefly, and then crying ourselves.

And then I was dry, and in the little teeny office holding Aubrey's hand as we waited for Jeff to be confirmed for those he had been baptized for. And we were done and out in the bright sunlight before I could even register the incredible experience we'd just had.

Tim came to us, his eyes shining. He clapped me on the back. "Man, you move me."

I didn't have anything to say, there were no acknowledgments, no reassuring words, or even grateful words. There was nothing. I was overwhelmed---- maybe for real--- for the  first time in my life.

******