112: Rafe

I woke before she did the next morning. It was early, but not all that early. The wind had come up off the ocean and the air was humid and chilly. Aubrey was huddled outside of the one little blanket, on her side, shivering, but asleep. I got up and padded over to the closet, found us another blanket, which I then put over both of us as I cuddled her close to me.

I lay there and thought, listening to the sounds of the waves, and the wind-- a comforting sound, a constant relieving sound. I had lain like this many times, with many women, most of whom I did not love, and knew I did not have those intimate feelings for. Most of whom I had used and planned to discard. I knew that was my motive and had always been--- till now.

My mind wandered over several more recent liaisons, lying entangled with one or more beauties, and sometimes another guy as well. Orgy sex was also very pleasurable. Watching other guys get off was a turn on too. I felt a sick knot in the pit of my stomach. I could do without that kind of sex ever again. In fact, I was the least homosexual guy I knew. I didn't have sex with men, I had watched them have sex with women, sometimes women I'd had sex with too. That was all.

I'd also watched a lot of porn.

How did I feel about giving it up?

I smoothed Aubrey's arm, tucked my arm under hers, and felt her breasts with the outside of my bare arm. They felt warm and full and heavenly. I snuggled her hips closer to mine, left my partial erection pressed to the cleft of her buttocks and smoothed her outer thigh. She was a very attractive female. I was into boobs--- yep--- like many men. With my stomach and chest I concentrated on her back and shoulder blades. I could feel her breathing, the rise and fall, the contraction of side and the beat of heart. I carefully, softly--- barely rubbed my arm against the smooth contours of her breasts again. What I had was the underside of them. Her top was loose, and in the way. I slowly managed to put my hand beneath that top--- snuggle her close again, feeling skin on skin.

If she were the one and only and last woman I ever had sex with, would I be satisfied? Would she like sex every night? I'd heard that some women didn't, that guys were forced into long periods of abstinence when they had their periods, or their PMS, or after they had babies. Some girls would be accommodating during that time, hand jobs--- other things--- but would she? She had no way of telling me her preferences--- she didn't know them yet.

I stroked that soft under flesh with my thumb, felt the smooth roundness, the sweet density of it, and let it wander slowly, barely touching her up to the un-aroused nipple. I stroked her carefully, listening to her breathing, wanting her to be aroused in her sleep, but not aware.

I think there was a part of me that wondered if I got her aroused enough, was my prowess enough that she would lose control and make that mistake? Would she then open to me and embrace our union? Maybe have to wait with me for that year?

I felt the fullness of arousal, I moved my other hand down to touch it. It wasn't the first time I'd done myself with a girl in my arms. Sometimes girls liked that. They liked to watch. They liked to do it too.

I'd been patient. Hadn't I? And things were tough.... Lying always beside her with her supple body and angelic features. What was I, a monk? I needed release. I felt her nipple harden, pressed myself to her backside and rubbed myself against her. I shuddered. It had been too long. I was ready too quickly. I felt my breath hot on her neck. I kissed her, and she started to turn. I froze, but it was too late.

My eyes squeezed shut, my hand tightened, as if to stop the inevitable.

I swallowed convulsively, as Aubrey came to. I lowered my hand, but she felt it beneath her top. Her fingers clenched in mine. I couldn't move away, I'd had no time to prepare myself. My other hand was a mess.

"Rafe?"

"Don't move, baby." I whispered.

"Rafe?" She let my fingers go and turned some more. I shuddered again, breathing heavy and hard, trying to control it. "Oh....my....."

She sat up. In the early morning light her hair was tousled, her features creased with sleep. She held her hair back with one hand and moved slightly away from me. Her eyes were half shut, still uncomprehending.

I used the sheet to hold it, to clean it up, to clean off my hand. Aubrey scooted away, all the way to the corner.

"Did you just wake up?" She whispered, half breath and half realization. I closed my eyes.

"I need.... You."

She looked as if I'd slapped her. Her head jerked back in tiny negating jerks. She didn't even know what to say and neither did I, although the thought of having to explain or account to a virginal doctor didn't sit real well with me. A part of me was ashamed, and I'd never felt that way before--- with anything to do with sex. Even this. And a part of me resented that I felt ashamed. It made me irritated.

She shivered. "I'm--- om--- I need a drink of water."

I watched her go. I'd be in the shower when she got back.

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