104: Aubrey

There were moments of claustrophobic nightmare, but Rafe was there, and I wasn't under so much that I didn't respond to his touch. And his touch... was all I needed. I dreamt that moment, more often than not, the moment when he pulled me from the crowd, off the ground and lifted me into his arms. That moment when I'd come face to face with my own mortality. He had been there. He was my angel, he'd saved my life. Even if we weren't meant for each other--- even there weren't premortal promises between us that bound us together for time and all eternity—that act alone would have solidified it.

In the night, he got me pain medicine and water, the light was on almost all night, low, as he wrote in his notebook, and I slept fitfully. I would open my good eye, and feel the pain and the swelling, see the rotten devil that did it, and cry out. Rafe would stop writing and cuddle me carefully to him, whispering secure platitudes till I settled back to sleep. Only to have to repeat it ninety minutes later.

I woke for good as the bus pulled to a final stop. Rafe had fallen asleep sitting up with his notebook slipping to the side and his pen still dangling from his fingers.

I snuggled against his chest, allowing myself to come to slowly, letting each extremity feel its complimentary pain. There was quite a bit, as I'd known there would be. I'd taken quite a beating. Pain and violation were new to me, although I'd seen others go through them a thousand times. I felt tears leaking out my eyes, the atrocity of it was forbidding. I shut my eyes tightly to ward off the images that assailed me. Rafe's fingers caressed my bare shoulder in his sleep as if he sensed I was struggling.

He sensed more than he let on. His lips brushed my forehead and he let his fingers wander to my neck and throat.

"Aubrey."

"I'm not okay."

"I know."

"I don't know what to do."

"Lay here with me. You're safe here."

I sighed. I'm a person of action. Laying here wasn't good for me. But I got that I am safe. I pushed myself up. "I need to run. Preferably now, while it's dark."

"Okay." He lifted his head and blearily rubbed his eyes. "I can do that."

"My mom used to surf at this hour. Now we swim."

"Swimming is possible too, babe."

"Really? Are we near the ocean?"

He nodded. "But also a pool. Let me arrange it." I slid to his side and then retrieved his phone and dialed someone. I heard him making arrangements and was surprised he could do that. He told me it was no problem, we could go swimming right now. I felt the strain of stiff muscles.

He got me some pain medicine again, and helped me get my swim suit out of my bags. I wrapped my cover up around me and followed him obediently out the bus door, in the pink and orange dawn quiet. We were in a huge hotel and resort parking lot. He wore his shorts and carried his swimming trunks, and didn't talk. I wanted to tell him I could go by myself, but I knew that would be the insulting cherry on top of his self-flagellation. So I kept my mouth closed and my eyes on the ground.

True to his word, there was a nice lounge and the pool was opened for us. It was a lovely outdoor pool, with plants and rocks around it, giving the impression of being a pond, but it was clearly marked with sides and the deep end. I found a lane, let my cover up fall to the chair next to me and went to shower. There were lights on here and Rafe asked that they be turned off. I eased myself into the water, cooler than I'd expected, but as soon as I started swimming I felt the exercise warm me. I didn't look to see what Rafe was doing, if he just sat on the edge, or if he was swimming too.

He was swimming. I did laps. I felt each tired and strained muscle loosening up as I moved. It wasn't pleasant, it was hard, harder than I'd ever expected, and I thought about people I'd prescribed exercise to when this kind of thing laid them up. I felt a whole new respect for their complaints. I knew it was the best thing, but it wasn't pleasant, and I'd never really known how unpleasant it was.

I knew it could be days until I looked decent enough to go out. I was sad. This was supposed to be our time, a special getting to know you time. I mean it still could be, but I also realized this had changed the dynamic drastically.

I finished all I could do and I sat on the edge, dangling my feet in the water as Rafe finished up. He came to me finally, as the sun came up. His eyes caught the early morning light, the droplets of crystal water on his skin were like diamonds. I felt that I was looking at Adonis.

He placed one hand on either side of my knees. "How are you feeling, better?"

"Yes." I said. "And no. I hurt, but I feel better."

He chuckled. "Me too."

"You know there are ground rules for recovery."

"Hm?" He kicked himself back and then brought himself forward.

"No negative self-talk."

"Okay, like what? Like what a dick I am? And how I should have protected you better?"

"Exactly like that." I smiled through my cracked lip. "You are not a dick, stop saying that. It sends out negative vibes into the air around you and causes discord that has to have even more positive energy to overcome. Stop saying it for sure, and then stop thinking it. It is detrimental to recovery."

"Okay, you're the shrink now. What else?" Now he had his hands on my knees. Water dripped off him in crystal diamond droplets. I was distracted.

"Blaming others. Just stop. It doesn't do any good. It also causes negative vibes."

"I have to hold someone accountable, Aubrey." He shook his head as water repelled off his thick dark hair. My thoughts were a little random. If we had kids, would they have his dark hair, or my blonde?

"Accountable, okay." I said, wondering what that would look like. "As long as you have let go of your anger."

"I'm working on that."

"Okay."

"What else? Ground rules for recovery? Like no dwelling on the past?"

"That would be good. What's done is done." I said in my best David Bowie Labyrinth voice. It was a movie quote even if it fit what he was saying. He caught it.

"I will let go. I have asked God to help me let it go, for your sake, because I want you to stay on tour with me."

"I never said I was leaving." But I did remember thinking I could catch a plane to OC in the morning. I hate the whole cussing thing. There has to be some way to curb it. Even when they are mad.

"You'd have every right to go. But I am asking you to stay."

"I'm staying. This isn't scaring me off. I still have things to find out about you."

"What? Before you'll agree to marry me? You've already told me you love me. We've already named our kids."

"That last is subject to change."

"Not Jackson, and not Noah."

"And not Harper, and not Charlotte."

"You're not sure about Chloe?"

"No. I like Sereniti." I spelled it for him.

"I like that. I like it a lot. Moved to the number one position."

I sighed again, shivering as a breeze came up. Rafe's hands were warm on my knees, he pressed himself closer, till our chests were touching. He held me by my sides and my hips. His hands felt so good, so---- good.

He closed his eyes and let his palms spread over my rib cage, as he brushed carefully across the front of my bathing suit. I started to move away, and he pulled me closer, pressing his chest to mine. He swallowed, and I saw his Adam's apple convulse. He bit his lips, and squeezed his eyes shut.

"So, other rules for recovery? No complaining." He said.

"About anything. Just be positive. What's done is done, and what can't be changed can't be helped. Just take a deep breath and let it go."

"Are you applying this to yourself too? This is going to be hard for you to get over. You were violated in a very personal way."

I had thought of that. "I know."

"You can complain to me if you need to."

I nodded. I privately wondered if there would come a time when I needed to complain to him, at least to vent. I assumed there might be. I'd never been in this position before, and never had anyone who cared this much about me this intimately. I cupped his cheek and then wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled him in. Unfortunately, this of course, put his lips in direct contact with my breasts. I hadn't thought of that. He had though. He let his hands rise to hold my shoulder blades, while he breathed through the bathing suit on the rounded swelling beneath. His lips brushed lower, hot air warming my cooled skin.

"No worrying about the future." He murmured pulling back, his eyes open, but he simply stared at my skin where he'd been breathing. I looked down and could see that I was reacting to his attention.

"There's nothing to worry about." I said.

"Everything's going to be okay."

"Yes, everything's going to be okay."

Rafe placed another soft kiss on my virginal flesh and then looked into my eyes in determination. "No need to limit our beliefs, either. That was my thought in the night. We both need to open our minds, a lot, to understand each other, and where we are coming from, and realize that we don't need to change each other, but value each other."

I loved that thought. It made so much sense. "See, you are already filling the role of wise--- something. You're wise."

He blew out his breath. "Along with that thought, I also feel we need to be cautious of our resistance to change. Nobody is right all the time, and nobody is wrong. We both have great ideas about things, we can only add to each other's abilities and personalities. If we don't resist and insist on our own way."

I swallowed. "I don't think I can give in about the cussing, or premarital sex, or drinking."

"Then I will address that one thing at a time, so you can make an educated decision. Cussing: shows my ignorance. It also shows I'm cool. But I don't have to be so cool that I am ignorant and offensive to my wife. It's a bad habit, though, and when I'm angry... that's when it really comes out, as you've seen." He sighed. "It has to stop."

"I am learning that it may take longer to break a bad habit than just saying you want it broken. I'm sorry I didn't understand that before."

He blew his breath on my breasts again, pushing forward and back in the water. "One more thing."

"I thought these were my rules for recovery." I smiled.

"They are. But I'm the one who stayed up all night thinking."

"You thought about all this stuff?" I laughed. "You didn't address the premarital sex or the alcohol."

"We are not having premarital sex." He came close to me again and pressed his nose between my breasts. His breath was hot, and the sensation was sweet. "We are not having premarital sex. And I want to take you to the temple, but Aubrey, that might be a strain. What if my repentance takes a lot longer than we can handle?"

"He hasn't asked that you do anything too hard yet, has he? Just read some things, and pray."

"There might be a lot more."

"Okay. We can--- cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Okay--- and you wanted to know about alcohol."

"That would be good." I eyed him carefully.

"You feel pretty strongly about it."

"About my husband not being a drinker, yes."

"Not even occasionally?"

"Not pot either."

"Once in awhile?"

"You're not convinced you can live without it?"

He pushed away from me and went under, coming up like another Greek God with the sunlight sparkling on him like fiery opals.

"What about my tattoos?"

"I don't care."

"But the prophet said to avoid them, or not get them or something."

"It's not in the recommend interview. It won't keep you out of the temple."

"So, I can get more?"

I blinked. "Can we cross that bridge later too?"

"Nope. I need to know if it's going to come up later."

"I don't care, Rafe. I think they're cool, but I understand the logic and scriptures behind not marking ourselves."

"Do you want to get one?"

"I don't think so."

He cocked his head, eyeing me speculatively. "But you might. Maybe one little one, right here." He held up my ankle and pressed his fingers to a spot on the side. "We could have matching ones to commemorate."

I shook my head. "I won't tell you what else to do with your body. But you can't put cuss words on it."

He grinned and splashed me. "Okay." It was like he'd won a victory, and I realized all the things we were talking about were things he was having to change about his life. I felt bad for him, and for me--- I'd chosen him, and he had so many things I objected to. But he seemed willing to make those changes. I didn't want it all to be for me. That thought caught my breath. That didn't bode well for our marriage. If he became disenfranchised with his choices, on my behalf, they would all be reasons to resent me later.

I was about to say all this when he stopped and stared hard at me. "I'm not going to withdraw my support of the LGBT movement."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't feel I had the right to tell him who to support. He wasn't gay, and wasn't practicing illicit sex at the moment. He did say that porn made his world go round, but I hadn't seen evidence of it. Granted--- considering our first three days, and then our second three days in Montana--- our one day at his folks house and our seven days now on tour, we had a relationship lasting only--- fourteen days.

Plus three months, give or take.

"You know, Rafe. That's up to you." I splashed him back, with a little kicked wave that hardly met his stomach. I stared at that stomach, the delineation of abs, the way he tapered to hip bones also delineated. I noticed then that he had shaved his chest sometime when I wasn't aware. Also that lower hair that I'd noticed before pointing downward. Why would a guy shave that hair?

The sun was full up now, and the water rippled with a slight breeze. A couple of kids were out on what I could see of the beach through a walkway of palm trees. I could hear the waves, reassuring me that all was still right in my world. We were still hidden from view of any passersby, and remained in the shadow of some palm trees.

"You seemed to think it might be a deal breaker a week ago." He tread water in front of me and then slid under again and pushed up, plastering his hair back. It was growing so fast. I suddenly noticed that his scruff had been heavier a day ago, and he'd cut it, trimmed himself up very tight. How had I missed that?

"I'm getting hungry, are you?" I asked, kicking my feet. Rafe let his hands slide up from my feet to my knees, spreading my legs so he could insinuate himself there. He pulled himself forward and rose up, kissed me and sank back down.

"No. I'm ready to go find our room, and laze away my day in bed with you."

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