I glanced at him, my eyes filling with tears again, and in ridiculous irritation at myself I turned and buried my face in Rafe's chest. He patted my back. I knew he must be giving his dad and his brother some kind of sign for them to not ask, and not tell.

"What was the question?" Rafe asked.

"Aubrey was about to explain her take on the church's and her own position regarding same sex marriages and apostate status and children."

I sniffed. Then I took a couple of deep breaths and plunged back into it. "If you haven't read the actual handbook, then you'll have to take my word for it or look it up again yourself later. But this is what it says. No one is excluded from any normal church meetings--including sacrament meeting-- whether they are members in good standing, members in bad standing, or non-members. At all. Not a same sex couple, or a same sex child of a same sex couple."

"Can you say that again?" Lance teased.

"No." I answered wiping my eyes and trying on a smile again. "But just suffice it to say that no one is ever unwelcome."

"That's bull--- that's not true." Rafe amended and shook his head, trying hard not to cuss.

"I've been ostracized." Lance said. "I've been shunned."

"Shunned?" I could not believe it.

"I've been in Sunday School meetings where I raised my hand to speak five times and was the only one raising their hand and wasn't called on, completely ignored."

"Are you a member of the church?" I asked him.

"I am still. I haven't had my name removed and no one has actually approached me to remove it."

"If you are a member in good standing then---"

"I'm not, Aubrey. I'm openly gay, I have a gay partner, who I am married to, who happens to be at work right now."

I swallowed. "Then I can only speak for myself and for the church handbook. I am sorry for your experience. But I will have to say this. That can happen to you even when you're--- say me. I've not been called on several times when I was the only one with my hand up. I think they probably were snubbing you, but I also think that it can happen. Maybe they are hoping to encourage people who wouldn't normally raise their hand."

He spread his arms on the pool side thoughtfully. "You're good." He said softly and smiled encouragingly. "She's got a good point."

I laughed. "Number two: you said that children of same sex couples were not allowed to be baptized until they are eighteen. No different than children of polygamist families. No difference at all. In fact no different than children of non-member families who need to have parent permission or wait till they are eighteen.

"Here's the deal, Rafe, Lance: say you have a gay couple and they have a couple of kids. They send their kids to church-- and mind you-- if they are trying to come to church and they are gay and they are married, then they are no longer members. They are living a lifestyle in which they cannot keep the law of chastity-- their marriage isn't recognized by the church and therefore they are apostate, if you will-- since you used that word."

I took a deep breath, surprised Rafe was letting me speak this long. "So they send their kids to church where they are taught church doctrine. It puts them in the terrible position of having to choose between their parents and their religion. The church believes in families first and foremost. We--- and me included--- will not stand between kids and their parents.

"It's too bad that this isn't simply a given. But it had to be spelled out, and now we have this handbook policy. " I paused and looked up at the clouds, and then pinned them to the ledge by their pretty blue eyes.

"And for your info: any person wishing to be baptized has to be able to answer certain questions that explain that they understand and accept the doctrine of the church. You wouldn't want your kids to be baptized and have their beliefs be at odds with you, at least not while they lived in your home. Why would you claim to want baptism if you don't intend to live by the things you promise at baptism?"

"And those questions say they have to disavow their parents?"

"No. No, they don't. Emphatically with everything in me, Rafe, I'm telling you nothing in our doctrine says that a child has to disavow their parents. But they have to believe that homosexual marriage is not an accepted lifestyle alternative, but an abomination of God's laws."

"There you go----"

"I didn't say the people are abomination Rafe, man! Can't you hear me? I'm saying that choosing to act on those impulses is--- listen to me--- ." I unclenched my fists, realizing that I had tightened up every muscle in my body. I disliked this subject, but having argued for and against many stances in my career, I wasn't about to back down. They could at least hear me out, even if they did not believe as I did.

"There are kids born with ODD--- oppositional defiance disorder. They usually but not always grow up to be anti-social--- not a-social, but anti-social- meaning introverted to a point where they actually truly hate and want to destroy society. If they act on that impulse to destroy society and blow up a building, kill people, whatever, does it make them a murderer? Yes. If they choose to live with it, seek God's help in dealing with it---." I took a deep breath and caught Lance's eye. He was following me intently.

"Notice I did not say they had to claim they are not ODD, or not anti-social, or not introverted to the point where they'd prefer not to be around people--- they just can't act on it and break the commandment that says thou shalt not murder. There is also a commandment that says thou shalt not commit adultery. That includes all forms of it even fornication, and premarital sex and non-marital sex."

I felt like I was panting and I noticed Rafe had moved his arm and was shaking his head dramatically. I plunged ahead, eager to get it all out there between us.

"Marriage is--- as the scriptures tell us--- between a man and a woman.... if you believe in the scriptures then that's what you believe. That's----." I sighed and finally looked back at Lance. "That's what I believe."

Lance was looking at me carefully. His eyes were moist and his hands were a little shaky as they lay along the edges of the hot tub stretched out. But he wasn't breathing as hard as I was. He wasn't coming up with a quick rebuttal or refutation either.

"I can't help what I am."

"Maybe not, Lance, maybe not. That is not up to me to judge what you are or aren't." I sighed again and kept his gaze steadily. "I am not condemning you. I am just saying that anybody with any mental disability of any kind, any type, anything--- except maybe schizophrenia---- can choose to act on that impulse or not."

"I believe God made me this way and he accepts me."

"I believe that too."

"Can't you hear her, Lance?" Rafe said now in disgust. "It's not the sinner but the sin she hates."

"No, don't put words in my mouth, Rafe. Be that as it may be." I turned to Lance. "I believe that God's laws are there to protect us, and lead us back to him. I believe he loves all of us. I feel his love for you. It shines in your eyes. I see it in the way you look at others. The way you think and are gentle and kind and funny and silly." I looked at him with tears again.

"I believe in the scriptures. But if you don't, or you interpret them differently, then I respect your right to join whatever church or organization you do identify with. What I don' t think is right is people trying to force their beliefs on others. If you don't believe in the church then don't belong to it. But don't insist that I acknowledge your beliefs and believe in them too. I don't expect you to believe in mine."

He was staring at me, and finally, when I thought he'd look away he leaned forward and pulled me into his arms. I hugged him tightly, wishing with all my might than any differences between us could be put aside now, and we could just be friends.

"I respect your beliefs, Aubrey." He said gently. "I don't hold with hating. I'd rather say I love you than go our separate ways and ignore each other in favor of hate."

I hugged him tight again.

"So are you gonna make out with my girlfriend now?" Rafe's voice was like twisting acid.

I started to pull back and Lance deliberately cupped my cheeks and kissed my lips soundly with a loud smack. I laughed, giving us a little space and a high five. Jenny was sniffing on the other side of the hot tub. I high-fived her as well. And then turned to Rafe who was looking at me with solemn eyes.

"What?" I asked with that honest edge I'd tried to cultivate since he'd started dating me.

"Nothing." He said with a smug expression. "You managed to take something I am passionately diametrically opposed to and not likely to change my perception of ---and you made me feel irrational and stupid. And I love you for it."

"You are not stupid." I splashed him hard and he dove at me, throttling me under the water as Jenny jumped out and Lance grabbed Rafe's foot and tried to pull him off me.

Rafe brought me up for air and ground his scruff into my cheeks, his eyes wild and jealous and free. He held me--- weighed me down so I couldn't get away and then leaned over. "What I'm getting is a pattern here, and I am really good at patterns."

"We are agreeing to disagree, and in the meantime, fighting and making up."

"I'm not agreeing to disagree with you. I know I'm right. And--"

He flung me under the water and held me there, till I accidentally kicked him where it counts and he fell off me. I dunked him for good measure, coming up with hair all over my face.

"Be glad I barely tapped you." I screeched as he came at me again. But Lance was out of the water now and he grabbed my arm and hauled me up.

I grabbed his hand, landed squarely against his rock hard chest and stepped back slightly in embarrassment--- and slipped. Off balance, I teetered on the edge of the hot tub, waving my arms precariously for balance, and as I glanced back over my shoulder at Rafe who was unaware and getting out on the other side. Lance reached for me again.

Good thing it was a larger tub.

I grabbed for him-- he grabbed for me—and we both tumbled back into the water, sprawling ungracefully and splashing the sidewalk and Rafe, who probably saw us, and was jealous again. He was jealous-- very jealous, even of his own brother.

Lance and I struggled. Neither of us got our combined equilibrium quickly, and we scrabbled against each other, my hair, his swim suit, and eventually Rafe's strong hands separated us--- got us on our feet, laughing in embarrassment.

"Oh my gosh!" I screeched, laughing again with Lance who was doubled over, trying to catch his breath.

Rafe was doubled over as well, from my slight brush with his sensitive parts. He held one hand out to me though to ward off the thought that I might leave. The pool was behind him. I didn't even think. I simply took his hand and twirled us both off balance and into the pool.

Rafe was slightly pain stricken, but I'd really not got him very hard. He was wincing, but good-naturedly. He stood in the middle of those bubbles and said very politely. "Would you two leave us for just a moment? I may have to commit a crime, and I don't want any witnesses."

Jenny and Lance laughed and grabbed their bottles to go into the house while I just stood there gazing at him warily. I felt the smile I could barely contain just under the surface.

"Get over here." He tapped the side of the pool with his index finger. I cocked my head to one side.

"What do you want?"

"I said get over here." His eyes were filled with determination and roguish mischief.

"What if I don't?"

Rafe moved through the water to the edge, leaning on his hands. "You will."

"I thought you said we had to go soon."

"Get over here."

I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had no idea what he was going to do--- dunk me? Strangle me?

"I need you."

I swallowed hard over that throat choking sensation I got sometimes. It was only a few steps. He pointed emphatically with that one finger down, so I sat down, and dangled my legs on either side of him. He squared up to the side of the tub, pulled me closer by the bottom, and when I was flush with his body, he kissed me.

It was our first real kiss today. Last night there had been intimacy, and connection, but after the fight this morning, the religious discussion and worst fight yet here at his parent's place-- well there hadn't been any connection.

He plied my lips open and slowly, elegantly twined his tongue inside my mouth, thrusting gently, but firmly, claiming once again those sweet confessions we'd been unable and unwilling to share. His hands held me carefully, but so firmly, I couldn't have got away had I wanted to. It was all about that kiss--- deeply, truly, breathtakingly.

The sunlight pierced my closed eyelids, the sticky Southern California smog ocean air and the crazy never stopping sound of cars and birds and movement all around slipped away.

"Marry me, Aubrey." He whispered against my lips.

"No." I said just as softly and tried to pull away but that just made him increase the duration and pressure of his incredibly amorous kissing. My fingers gripped his wrists as he slid his hands into the hair at the base of my neck and continued to hold me there, plummeting my senses.

"Marry me, Aubrey."

"I can't."

He moved back just a hair's breadth enough to look into my eyes. "Marry me, Aubrey."

I simply sighed. He dove in for yet another kiss and I responded. I wasn't against kissing him--- and he was a very good kisser for that matter--- and I didn't feel like I was leading him on allowing kisses with no chance of ever being with him--- even though earlier this morning I'd felt like we were done. And that thought alone gave me courage and confidence in allowing the kisses. If I could feel this way--- and not feel like a shameless hussy (quoting Aunt Eller in Oklahoma)--- then there was still something here to explore, and I had to trust my gut.

"Maybe."

He backed up completely... stunned, looking into my eyes with total focus. "Maybe?"

I held the gaze. "Yes, maybe."

*******