Outside the air was cool. Not cold, not by a long shot, and this time of year, evenings could be cooler. There was still a slight bit of snow on the mountain behind us, but the creeks that ran through Rosewood to the lake were full and bubbling, and the little pond behind the house was not ice covered, even though it didn't see a lot of sun.

"So---- how is your brother doing after losing his little girl?"

"They've decided to get back to their life. They went home today. Julie is a mess. I don't think---- well, it doesn't matter. My mom won't leave her side."

"Your mom? What about her mom?"

"Her mom has not lost a child, but my mom has, and they say that's the worst pain imaginable. Parent's can be lost and dealt with, siblings, are hard, and spouses you may never get over. But kids---- well--- I don't have any so I don't know, but judging from Julie, I don't think---"

"What exactly is she doing that makes you think she isn't dealing with it well?"

I sighed, thinking of my own role in Julie's pain. A part of me knew--- and really does know--- that I did what I could, and did the best I could. And another part of me, now hidden deep inside, so that no one knows how bitterly angry I am at myself--- that part believes that it was my fault.

"She let her grief out initially--- and that was healthy, and then she got mad, snappy at people, and even had a couple of tantrums--- which technically is also fairly healthy. But then--- too soon--- she dried her eyes, and got quiet--- I don't mean that she got over it--- I mean, she withdrew from natural affection. She---." I shook my head. "She needs to talk and she isn't."

"I see." Rafe leaned into my side a little. "You probably need to talk too."

How could I give voice to my terrible knowledge? Nobody blamed me--- at least not to my face, but inside--- they all tried to get a hold of me! They did everything to give me that chance. And I know--- inside—another could maybe have done that surgery--- I didn't flatter myself that I was the only one that could have performed it. There were several off the top of my head who could have done it, but in their defense, two were on other details, and one was on maternity leave. I was the hospital's logical choice. I should never have--- it is actually pretty impossible that I could have missed those pages. That I turned away the calls--- the cell phone calls that I actually did see--- unforgiveable--- I'm a doctor! I took an oath! I am available.... I am always available!

No, I had no voice yet for this kind of self-recrimination.

Rafe was staring at me, as we stopped walking. His eyes were tender. "It would be so easy to come here, and do my darndest to seduce you--- and in this condition--- you might let me, seeing as you just want to escape the pain you're in."

He held my hands down at our sides and looked into my eyes and I saw his pain mirrored there.

I couldn't hold his gaze. His penetrating gaze, I might add.

He ran some fingers through my hair and cupped my cheek and I leaned into him. He was right, of course, I did want to escape, and being with him before had been such a lovely escape. And part of me knew he was willing to make it all happen. Trade one giant problem for another.

"Escape would be good." I whispered.

Rafe grinned, wrapping two fingers under my chin so I'd look at him. "That can be arranged."

I wanted him to kiss me. The memories of our first few kisses were stamped on my brain right now like they'd been branded there with a hot branding iron. The sweet oblivion that had transpired even my most ingrained personal responses--- deeply moved me. No other had ever made me feel so uninhibited.

He lowered his lips to mine, feeling my willingness, and obliged. His tongue plummeted mine, sparring, dancing, creating a deep longing inside me, as his hands molded me to him and my fingers played along his shoulder blades and arms.

"Aubrey." He whispered against me, and I pulled back just enough to see his tender smile, and leaned in for another intoxicating kiss. "Aubrey, I can't let you do this."

Now I did step back. I felt instantly rebuffed and rejected. What was different?

"Can't let me do what?" I pulled my hair out of his grasp and turned away from him, my eyes filling with moisture.

I heard his heavy sigh. "Those kisses, that time--- it was magical, Aubrey. It was hyper-precedented, and incredibly ----." He searched for a word, but he'd already said it. Magical. Our time together that one weekend had been magical. Perfect. But maybe not real life.

As we'd seen firsthand, real life intruded.

I turned back. "Then why are you here?"

"Because of what underlay that seduction." He said honestly. "There was so much promise under it all--- promise I couldn't just ignore."

I was aching with rejection. My heart was thudding painfully, my chest felt like led.

His eyes were pleading with mine. "I'm a confident guy, Aubrey." He sure used my name a lot I thought in annoyance. But he went on. "And there hasn't been a woman in my experience I haven't been able to seduce if I really wanted to. I've done it all that way. And I think--- if I hadn't respected you those two nights, I'd have made it a perfect score." He ruffled his short, short hair and looked out to the trail we were on, the shadows from the sunset had faded and light was just light, not bright.

"You only think you could have got me in bed, but I would not have slept with you."

He smiled. "You say that now. And maybe you're right. I doubt it."

I disliked his arrogance. I looked away.

"But I have learned something in all my years of taking sex lightly." He took a deep breath and then blew it out. "You can't escape from your problems by using sex."

"Using sex?" I flipped my hair around and screeched at him, the hurt finally making itself known. "This hasn't been about sex from the start and isn't now."

His smile was gentle and tolerant. It just made me feel angrier.

"Okay--- maybe not. I admit, this thing with you has thrown me for a major spin too. But I can see it in your eyes and feel it in your kisses.... Your desire to escape is over riding all."

"It is not. I simply hadn't seen you in almost three months. I thought we'd started something...." I felt as wild as my eyes must have looked. Why wasn't he being the wild one? He had been the wild one before. His voice had been the wild one on the phone begging to come up here with me.

He leaned against a fallen tree, and motioned for me to come over as he sat down and pulled me between his legs. He looked up at me through those incredibly lovely spider leg lashes. "Aubrey.... When I kissed you on the pier---- it was free. Unencumbered. It felt new and exciting and full of that promise I was speaking of. Now--- you can feel it---- we want it too much. It's like we are desperate to pick up where we left off, but we haven't got that---- you know----knowledge of each other. One weekend wasn't enough."

I slumped forward, my hands resting on his shoulders. I could feel that he was different. I didn't feel different. Except for the fact that I'd spent the last three months working my butt off, trying to save other people's children--- and being largely unsuccessful.

"Don't get me wrong, Aubrey. I want to kiss you. I want it really badly."

I felt peculiarly drawn to those words, and wanted to simply fall into them and his kisses, once again. It felt like food and water--- incredibly necessary. I felt like I would be swallowed up in failure--- futility---- my waste of time life----without him.

Those random thoughts were killing me. I leaned down to him, ready to forget--- ready to kiss him again.

Rafe simply cupped my butt with his palms. He drew me close and placed his nose in my cleavage. Before I could react completely through my shock, he turned his face and unerringly found my nipple through the thin shirt and bra and I felt heat like I'd never felt it.

I gasped and pushed him away, my surprise so great I wanted to run away. Instead, I stared hard at him from the great distance of about five feet. "Why did you do that?"

"Baby. It's time to get to know each other like normal people. I'm not interested in drowning my sorrow and regrets in---- forgetting."

I felt the heat of his mouth still. My eyes were betraying me as well. I could tell I was about to cry. So I turned and ran.

******