******060:

The Los Angeles Temple sits on a hill with a huge grass front, a smaller water fountain and pool and an Angel Moroni on top pointed east, waiting for the advent of the second coming of Jesus Christ. It was built in the 1950's and had been renovated a few times over the years and rededicated.

It used to service all of Southern California, till about the mid-eighties when the Redlands Temple, and the Newport Beach Temple, as well as the San Diego Temple all came into being. Then the Fresno Temple joined them. Oakland already had a Temple, and So Cal already had about a gazillion Mormons.

If it ever had a giant earthquake on the San Andreas and broke off into the ocean, which is predicted by a myriad of Hollywood disaster films, well, the LDS population will have been warned to move inland.

I'd only been to the LA temple, or any temple for that matter by myself without Aubrey one other time, and that was just last week. I felt uneasy being without her --- just overall. I missed her.

But it didn't matter. There was peace inside these walls, there were answers to questions you couldn't get outside amid all the chaos. One came to the temple to be instructed--- in all things. Including what to do about Felicity's necklace, and when Aubrey was going to have the babies, and if Lance should marry Nick.

No--- no one was going to come up to me and pull me into a room with a crystal ball.

No one would interview me, or even talk to me privately. I was autonomous in the temple. No one knew me, made any comments, intruded on my experience, nothing. I would be alone, in a room full of other seekers. People who also came to the temple for peace, for surcease, for answers to prayer.

I waited in the chapel, listening to hymns played on the little organ, as others came in and sat with their spouses, whispering or reading scriptures. I bowed my head, crossed my arms, and slouched with my legs spread, a buffer. I sat in the very back.

Dear Heavenly Father:

I prayed for Lance first, since I'd thought of him last a few minutes ago. His concerns about finding an eternal mate, being acceptable to God, keeping the commandments against all of his personal nature--- these things were monumental. I prayed he would get answers to prayers. I prayed he and Nicky would find peace in their inner turmoil.

Dear Heavenly Father:

I prayed for guidance. Specifically to do with Felicity, the necklace, Mexico, Eli and Max. Should I go there myself? Should I pursue it all with the authorities? What if I actually find the safe, and the list? How much danger were we all in, and would we continue to be in danger?

Dear Heavenly Father:

Please continue to bless Aubrey to keep the babies inside, nestled safely growing and progressing the way they should. Let them all be healthy. Let them all be comfortable. Give Aubrey comfort.

Dear Heavenly Father:

I decided to quit worrying so much about cussing, and just be myself. Is this a bad decision?

And then, my friend, some of the temple workers come and get the group and take them upstairs to the session rooms, and we start the session, which consists of a film and a recap of gospel doctrine you could basically get right straight out of Genesis. There were some twists and some insights, and some amazing spiritual guidance, symbols and ideologies one never thought of otherwise, but nothing startling, or inconvenient. And as I sat there, opening my mind to all possibility, all instruction, listening for the Spirit to guide me, I felt incredible peace, the way I had almost every time I ever came here.

It was like dropping the load at the feet of the Savior.

It didn't matter what was being said at that moment, although a deep part of me was paying close attention. It was something I had seen every week of the last year, and it was memorized. It mattered what I felt. And I felt ease.

As the words of the endowment permeated and swirled around me, I concentrated with a different portion of my mind, a part that hitherto lay dormant, and was mostly inaccessible outside these walls. I felt the ease with which access came, like a computer program I'd learned how to utilize. Sudden.

I felt light.

I felt peace.

I realized that light and peace were blessings. And they were important. Man cannot function properly without this kind of cease-fire from daily cares. One needed to open one's mind, and allow it to be enlightened, filled with higher thoughts.

Into my mind's eye came the image of Lance kneeling at an altar, dressed in pure white, holding the hand of his bride. It was clear. It was filled with joy, on my part, joy I only experienced with Aubrey.

The key to understanding spiritual impressions is to quit trying to access them with the logical, analytical side of the brain. That would fall into place later. But the key was to experience them--- allow them, embrace them, and commit to them in your heart. You had to accept and acknowledge they were from God, and no one else, and therefore were to be acted upon. That was the basis of my faith.

In the case of my questions about Lance--- I felt peace.

I accepted that.

I was glad.

In the case of Aubrey and the kids--- I felt and heard the words of a hymn, "Carry On, Carry on, Carry On."

I couldn't remember all the words: Something like, "Firm as the mountains around us, stalwart and brave we stand...." I could hear the tune in my head, but the words eluded me. I would have to look them up when I got home to see how they applied. "Oh, youth of the noble birthright, carry on, carry on, carry on!"

One thing I did know, it wasn't that verse in "Come, Come, Ye Saints." The one that says, "And should we die, before our journey's through, happy day all is well."

Anything but that, right?

Humming the song in my head as the session progressed, I felt the cares of the world melt off, I felt the peace of the Spirit all around me, and I literally felt bathed in the Savior's presence.

I contemplated my relationship with Jesus Christ. That's what the Temple can do for you. Drown out the world and give you a moment to contemplate.

In the past, I seemed to contemplate me and Aubrey, or me and whatever I was currently struggling with, even song lyrics. Lots of times song lyrics.

Anyway--- today, for the first time I felt the presence of my Savior, and for the first time really, I thought of him not as the almighty supreme being who had died to save me from my sins--- even though he is that--- and deserves all my gratitude and glory and whatever else I can give for just that act alone.

But it wasn't what I was contemplating.

I felt.... His love.

Like..... brother love.

Whoa.... That's deep.

Brother love.

I basked in it for moments while the session went on, and eventually I ended up in the Celestial room, on a beige sofa, staring at the crystal chandelier, with tears in my eyes, matching the blurry diamonds above.

His love.

Was indescribable.

I'd been trying for an hour now, since first feeling it, to describe it to myself. To give myself some kind of frame of reference. I don't give up easily on forcing myself to identify feelings. That's my job. I rely on being able to relate to myself and then to my audience. I'm a songwriter, I'm a singer.... It's what I do.

And I can't.

I rubbed my fists hard in my eyes. It was like He was sitting beside me on that couch, and He was saying: Rafe, I love you, man. You're my brother, you're my friend. I get where you're at, I understand what you're trying to do in your life. I believe in you. I think you can make these decisions, and I'm here to support you.

It was overwhelming--- without being overwhelmed.

I felt understood, and loved in ways I couldn't even begin to realize. Because there were layers and layers of His love. Deeper than anything I'd ever experienced. Just in those simple words, spoken in language I'd understand, words I could relate to, but---- but the feeling they conveyed was so much more profound.

And I had to acknowledge that I couldn't describe it, I couldn't categorize it, and I had to just accept it--- on His terms. He was so much more than me--- so perfect--- so unbelievably real. And next to Him, I was nothing. I only gave my fans a smidgeon of understanding and very little love. He gave it all. Unconditionally, perfectly, without reservation, not afraid to share Himself on every level imaginable.

And right at this minute, he did it for me. He gave it to me, He shared it just with me.

I realized I was having a spiritual experience.

Elation washed over me.

I felt power flowing---- in and around me.

How had I ever denied myself and my family this feeling?

Instant shame.

And just as instant relief from the shame.

It was like in that second, instead of just sitting there beside me, He'd put an arm around me. "Rafe, it's okay, man. I love you. I accept you. I don't hold it against you. You have to live and grow and progress. There's bound to be tough times. Happens. I expected it. I'm not opposed to it. I'm just here to pick you up. I'm the buffer between you and utter misery. I have your back, man."

It was a different view of the Savior than I ever thought of before, but the words were powerfully coming into my mind from somewhere outside myself.

If you've ever had a spiritual experience, you can relate.

It's undeniable.

I leaned back, opened my eyes and smiled.

What about The Mexican thing? What about the necklace and the safe and the Eli and Max issue?

I closed my eyes and concentrated again. Nothing.

Zip. Zero. Nada.

I focused inward. I emptied my mind of all other thoughts. I lingered in prayer mode.

Still, nothing.

The proverbial stupor of thought?

I prayed. Is this a stupor of thought?

You know, the kind they teach you about in Sunday School where you pray and you feel nothing and it's a stupor of thought and therefore it's either wrong, or it's up to you and He isn't all that concerned about it one way or the other. I'd had that lesson already.

It might simply mean that He would support me whichever way I chose.

Which is funny, since it seems like it could be rather life threatening. Maybe a big deal. One you wouldn't just proceed under the wrong impression about.

Bad things had the potential of happening.

And me---- sitting there--- I couldn't think of anything at all---- anything----

Except a little Chicken.

That's what came into my mind. I nodded to myself.

Ben said I was an idiot, and maybe I was. Because I'm sitting here picturing a little chicken, instead of focused on my stupor of thought and making sure it's really a stupor of thought.

Dear Heavenly Father, is this a stupor of thought? Do you want me to forget about Mexico altogether and do nothing about it?

I waited.

Nothing.

I'd heard about people waiting, just waiting there on their knees or whatever, till they got their answer. Was that about to be me? Stuck here till the wee hours, waiting on the Lord to answer? He recalls I have ADHD, right?

Or was He answering and I was too lame to hear?

Dear Heavenly Father, am I not listening enough?

Doubt assailed me. I tried to get back to that place where Jesus sat beside me. It felt farther away now. Not like He wasn't interested, but like somehow I'd drifted away. Dang.

Dear Heavenly Father, do you want me to just keep listening?

I listened, I emptied my mind, pictured Jesus sitting beside me--- only now he had his head in his hands and was shaking it back and forth slowly with a sad smile--- oh ye of little faith.

Hey, wait a second! I have faith. I'd just been overcome with faith a few minutes ago. I just needed to make up my mind that this was a stupor of thought and what to do about it. He had to be testing me, right?

Wrong.

I was testing me.

I was allowing doubts.

And little chickens.

Dang, what was I? One of the Ghostbusters thinking of the Pillsbury Dough Boy, because I was too ADD to keep my mind focused on one thing for more than a few seconds? Gees!

And then I focused on the little chicken. Pollito.

Felicity. Had. Said---- Papa called her his little chicken. His pollito.

The necklace--- did it have a chicken charm? Was that the key? Or was the word Pollito a code to a combination lock on the safe? Or was the picture covering the safe of a chicken?

I felt warm all over.

Oh.

I hung my head and chuckled out loud. Seriously.

I needed to get a better handle on listening, and understanding. He'd given me the key easily, quickly.

The little chicken.

Gees!

*****