******054:

Rafe

I left Aubrey on our bed, on her left side, with Angie sitting next to her in the chair, watching TV, and I went to find Ben.

I was dressed in jeans, a lightweight white t-shirt and deck shoes with no socks. My hair was its customary gelled mess, and I hadn't shaved. Not that any of that mattered. It's just that if today is the day I meet my first biological offspring, and we take pics of them, this is how I plan to look.

I checked my phone as I slammed into the low riding black sports car. Damn, but it felt fine after driving the freaking van for a month.

Cussing, even in my mind, made me rethink the answer I'd given Aubrey when she'd asked me for the millionth time to stop.

I'd told her no.

Finally!

I fist pumped low and pulled out fast, revving the engine, pressing the phone cord to the car speakers as I dialed Ben.

Liberation.

I'd defied the tyrant.

I was free to cuss again. Anytime, anywhere, under any circumstances. Any place. Every time.

I couldn't think of any more places or times to list in my brain. 

I forced a grin. Yep--- I'm a cusser, and I can cuss if I want to. And I'd explained to my dear, darling wife on the eve of her pre-mature labor that I wasn't going to stop. Only in deference to her views, had I ever even made that effort, and although I would continue to make that effort, I am done trying to repress who I am.

Done!

Kaput!

Finshed.

I am who I am. I'm a cusser.

I stopped at the gate leading out of the community, and looked both ways as the wrought iron automatically slid back and the guard at the shack gave a tiny salute.

Yep, that's me, cusser extraordinaire.

I turned onto PCH and zoomed up the canyon toward Ben's place. Nice that he'd chosen to live so close.

I was fairly tootling. I had this stupid idiotic grin, and was completely confident that Ben would forgive me---- for yes, cussing at him rudely---- as was my infuriated way when I felt provoked.

And I was, but not at him exactly.

A little at him.

Okay, somewhat.

"Hey!" He had picked up, I could hear it, but he did not greet me. "Look, bud, I'm sorry."

"You're an ass," He hung up as I pulled into his driveway, flipped my visor for his garage door opener. I had both his and mine, we both kept each other's, you never know when you're gonna need your buddies car, right? I started to pull in and found another--- very generic, not even slightly cool car in my place.

Really?

I jumped out, feeling the energy, the need to confront, make it better, get back to me and Ben, bros.

The inner garage door was unlocked and I went in. I could hear music in the living area.

I kicked off my shoes and left them in the hall, following the sounds.

He wasn't alone.

I knew my lips screwed up. How I know that---- I felt it inside before I acknowledged it outside. Hannah.

I kept my cool and followed the loud racket--- it was a rock and jazz racket--- some kind of track I'd never heard. Ben had eclectic tastes.

He was sitting on a bar stool in the center of his living room, surrounded by normal brown leather sofas, and overstuffed recliners, not reclined of course, and normal but expensive tables, holding normal but expensive lamps and books and a statue of Gandalf. He had his guitar, and was jamming angrily, and Hannah was in the corner, earbuds in place, reading a book, curled into a lounge chair.

"Ben!"

He looked up, but didn't stop.

"Bro---."

"Asshole." He announced.

"Thanks, yeah, I deserve that. Will you stop so I can grovel at your feet?"

He stared me up and down perfunctorily, his expression transparent to me after almost thirty years of staring at it in all its convolutions. Finally, he stopped the infernal noise picking and unplugged his cord.

He slid off the stool, hot-footed it into the kitchen and through it to the door. His place wasn't on the beach like we were, but on the cliffs above it, and the view was hot and spectacular. I followed him, shutting the French doors behind me.

"Dude..." I began, having apologized so many times before it was like Deja Vu.

"Listen, Rafe. I'm not after your wife. You're the one that brought her to us, brought her into our tour bus and forced us to care about her, as if she was one of the guys. You did that, you opened that door. I can't help it if your bedroom and your house are as familiar to me as my own. I can't help it if access to your person being denied me at all times in favor of Aubrey now, is the cue for just speaking to you through her. If you're not available, you've made it utterly clear that you two are interchangeable."

"We're not interchangeable." I sat on the lower stone wall with my back to the ocean view. "And she's not an extension of me."

He ran his hand through his long hair, got a hair tie off his wrist and wound it into a ponytail on his neck. "Well, you presented her to us that way."

"You assume too much."

"I thought you came here to apologize."

"I did. I am. I apologize. Calling you names is shameful, barbaric, uncalled for, rude and obnoxious. I'm sorry."

"It's not the names, man." Ben shook his head and went to stand looking over the hazy hot sea. He could see my place from here.

"What is it, then?"

"That you don't trust me, that you don't trust her, that you accuse us....you're an idiot."

"I am, yes, an idiot."

"You say that, but you don't mean it. You just want everything to go back the way it was. But you aren't the you you used to be. You are a husband now, and a father, and you're doing all this growing up shit, and it's in my face, and yeah---- there are bound to be---- mistakes."

"Rubbing her butt isn't a mistake, bro."

"I wasn't rubbing her butt." He gritted out, he still hadn't looked at me at all.

"Sitting on my bed touching her at all isn't a mistake."

"Rafe, idiot, she was having a contraction, I did that for my sister in the hospital a year ago when she had Jimmy, without James there. Okay? The freaking midwife told me what to do, and it helped her."

"Did Aubrey tell you what to do?"

"No. She didn't. She didn't ask me, she didn't present her backside, she didn't do a damn thing. See, it's that kind of shit question that gets on my nerves."

I relaxed back against the wall. "Why is Hannah here?"

His eyes snapped up. "We're dating." He glanced at his watch. "In fact, we're late for our date."

"Late? Where are you going?" I pushed off and stood waiting for it. The make-up hug.

It didn't come. He was looking into the house, and then texting on his phone.

"Who're you texting?" I moved back to leaning, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Hannah."

"What? She's right in there." I jerked my head at his living room, he had to know she was there.

"I know. Listen, we're leaving. You can hang out, or go on back home." Ben was cold and professional, and distracted. And had made it to the door before I pushed off.

"You're kidding me, right?" I followed him.

"No Rafe, you're an idiot. I'm tired of playing your idiotic games."

"You don't play my games. Stay out of my bedroom now."

"I'll stay out of your f-ing house."

I was bewildered. This wasn't how our make-up conversations normally went. "Bro?"

Ben was inside, leaving me in the dust. Hannah was at the garage door, she looked  over her shoulder, her eyes round and curious--- that tinge of Mann family good looks in place. Then she disappeared out the door and I heard their car start.

I made it to the door and through it. They peeled out.

No backwards glance.

I dialed Ben. He picked up instantly. "Rafe, I've got other stuff on my mind. Just go home to your wife, she needs you."

"You're breaking with custom, dude." I tried for it to be light. It wasn't.

"Yeah, I know. Maybe it's time for some new customs. We probably need to set up some boundaries, you know? You go your way, I go mine."

"I'm feeling kind of sick here. You're talking about breaking up the bro-hood."

He laughed, a dark sound, not like him at all. My brows rose as I hopped in my car, not grinning anymore.

"Rafe--- you broke up the bro-hood when you brought her on the bus, and it was the best thing you ever did. It was time for all of us to let go and be men. No more married to the band days. It's just the way of life."

I felt confused. "Seriously? This is what you want? I'm not asking for total divorce, I just wanted you to stay out of my bedroom."

"Even you saying that pisses me off. Go home, call me if she's really in labor." I heard the click of extinction and tossed my phone on the passenger seat as the gate rolled back once more. I bit my lip. The way of life, huh? The way of life?

Ben had just told me we were divorced.

Me and him. I picked up the phone as I pulled into my own garage. "Jeff?"

"What?" Jeff never said hello.

"Are we divorced?"

"Are who divorced? What are you on about?"

"Man, I just had a fight with Ben and I think we're divorced."

"Oh. You and Ben had another tiff? Now you're divorced again? It's not the first time, it'll blow over. What do you hear from that jerk-off, Eli?" He changed the subject ungracefully.

"Eli? Who have you been talking to?" Did they all know everything? Maybe we weren't divorced, we gossiped like married people. Or maybe we were divorced and we still gossiped even worse. It was worse if you gossiped about your ex's.

"Mutt, of course, you and Ben have been thick as thieves. Okay, not. I talked to Justine who talked to Jeremy. Duh."

"Mutt knows?"

"The whole freaking band knows, idiot. We were there, we saw Jack the Moron confront you. Anyway, yeah, Justine spent a couple of days with Aubrey before she collapsed at the Birth Center, and then she spent another couple days at Walrus with me and Jer, Mutt and Levi."

I thought it wasn't a coincidence that lately everybody's word of choice was idiot, and I got called it regularly. Pretty crappy, if you ask me.

"I don't hear anything from him, why don't you tell me what he said?"

Jeff chuckled. "Ben got you really riled up?"

"Ben is really riled up but he's gone on a date with Hannah. Did you know he was seeing Hannah?"

"The Hannah that doubles as a secretary at Walrus in order to be closer to her ex-boyfriend who married your nanny? It's too confusing for me, dude. Yeah, I knew about it."

"Weird." I said under my breath, then instead of going inside my house I went over to Walrus next door, where several cars were parked in the long driveway. Aubrey's old house had a better driveway than mine, it was farther up the circle actually, a larger property.

Jeff was inside, and some of that really bad rock jazz that Ben had been boiling out a few minutes ago filled the open doored rooms. Why? Was Draft Jam here? I checked my watch. It would be good to work. Draft Jam was here, and I had an hour till I had to leave for the show. No text from Aubrey---- this would be good for me.

I decided to go raise some hell.

I liked that idea.

*****