053:

The pressure of Rafe's fist had been perfect. "If you use both fists, on either side of my spine, kind of low, yes, like that." I sighed as the pain eased completely and I focused on dialing it down as it dissipated.

"Are we in labor?" He asked slowly.

"I don't think so."

"Stress can do this?"

"No. I'm not sure. But they feel like Braxton-Hicks--- just tightening."

"It's too soon."

"I know. I know. But they are coming less frequently, and there have only been like ten or so."

I blew out my breath to signal to myself the end of the tightening. Rafe adjusted himself in the tub around me, and settled his hands over the top of the belly, both palms splayed, feeling the protrusions of knees and elbows and little bony butts. He pressed his chin into my shoulder blades.

"I'm not ready for this." He whispered, kissing my neck.

"I'm not either." I announced and felt the sting of out of control tears. I swiped at them as they rained down my cheeks.

He pulled my chin to his and kissed my lips--- gently at first, pressing once, twice, and then claiming them fully. His fingers on my jaw held me there, twisted close to him.

"Baby, don't love Ben like you love me."

"For Pete's sake, Rafe, you know the truth of that statement. Please, don't ever ask it of me again. You need no other reassurance. You've got this." My exasperation showed.

"I do need reassurance."

"You are not that insecure." I pouted. I knew he was not. I knew he was confident in my love and sincerity.

"I am, though."

"Not about me." I contradicted. "You aren't insecure with me. I know you're not." Here came another one. I felt it starting in back and gearing up. I pushed his hands to my lower back again and focused on the tightening, visualizing it closing the cervix, visualized it going away. I visualized each baby--- too little, undeveloped, unable to survive outside my body. Stay inside now, little ones. Stay inside.

Rafe didn't speak during this one, and I was extremely grateful. I just wanted to slow them down, make them go away. If I couldn't with these techniques I would have to use the terbutaline, and that was less than preferable.

I leaned back against his fists, and against him, the susurrus of water between us as I breathed was like warm satin. I pictured it, cream colored--- all satin should be cream colored--- sliding over silky entwined bodies as they curled whimsically together in bed.... I think Rafe had a song with a line like that. I started humming and felt his sharply indrawn breath as he recognized the song, and finally settled in and sang along.

It was a quiet moment, one designed to relax us, to take our minds off current events and issues. There had been too many. Our life had taken on an ethereal quality, something out of a spectacular and very unbelievable action novel.

There was a side of me that enjoyed that about us. The disconnect from reality, as if we were insulated against the world, us and our love and our burgeoning family. Now and Forever.

But there was a part of me--- the part now forcing relaxation and breathing techniques, that focused on a dial to reduce pre-term labor, that needed---- yes, really needed pure and perfect reality.

I needed to control my life.

I hung my head as the contraction passed.

"Is it a flaw?" I whispered and Rafe leaned closer to hear as the jet streams plunged bubbling heat at us on a timer.

"What? Is what a flaw?"

"My need to control everything?"

He chuckled. "You're a woman. Isn't that a gift of nature? The ability and desire to control?"

I pinched his kneecap. "No, you sexist piggy."

"Sexist?" His tone was sharp. "Because women have a need to control? They are genetically predisposed, and it's their God-given talent to do so? Come on. You knew you wanted to control everything before you met and married me."

"And you? You knew it too?"

"I knew it! Of course, I knew it. And I allowed it. It is my pre-disposition to secretly desire to be controlled by you."

"I don't believe that." I scoffed.

He tilted my chin to his and looked into my eyes. I can't tell you what it feels like to look into Rafe's eyes that way. He is absolutely the most confident man on the planet, full of knowledge and life and love and wisdom, and decision---- determination, positivity. Gees, was there any more I could add to his accomplishments? And he now called me controlling---

As if it was a fact of life. Not a flaw.

"I think the rest of the world does not see it the way you do."

"You are noticeably agitated, and upset--- over things out of your control. What could be more simple? If I were to erase those things, you would be back in control and all would be well."

I snickered under my breath. "If you were to erase those things...."

"That is my job as your husband, to erase and fix all things that disturb you. It is a well-known fact."

"A fact you embrace with everything in you. Mr. Fix-it."

He shrugged against me. "It is how I assure the propagation of our species, and more importantly, our family. I protect you and defend you and give you everything in my power to make you comfortable and secure and in turn you give me your companionship, and your utter adoration, and of course, your body--- to house my children, to nurture my children, and to house and nurture me." He shrugged again.

"What could be simpler?" I laughed out loud now.

He still had my chin turned to him with just one very soft finger, and his eyes still searched mine tenderly. "I need you, Aubrey."

"My absolute devotion." I breathed as he lowered his lips to mine. "And you have it."

"No, you." His lips plied mine, his tongue tasting and gliding over sensitive spots. I'll admit, I love this kind of interaction, even if it is sparking contractions.

I smiled against him. "Okay."

"Okay, what?"

"You have me."

"You trust me to take care of you? Fix all the problems and be the man you need?"

"With every fiber of my being." I vowed, feeling the deep hardening of skin under his palm. The water was suddenly bugging me, I struggled to move, and finally he let me go and helped me up.

These interludes took time, and energy to reinforce what we already knew and had. However long it took it would be worth it.

****