*****047:

We got home and the kids were downstairs with Abbie doing their yoga. Meditation sounded good to me, but there was no way I was going down those myriad of stairs and then back up them today. I went out on the patio, the early morning air was humid, but not hot yet. And outdoors felt heavenly. Rafe went to make me my smoothie.

I checked my phone and saw that Ben had called me, and Lance, and a gang of sister's including Angie--- who'd texted also and said she was on her way thirty minutes ago. It was still quite early, and we'd made good time from Santa Monica.

I saw Keeva out of the corner of my eye as she made her patrol around the house.

And I looked out to sea.

There were boats, and haze, and I could barely make out the Channel Islands, between me and the open sea. I recalled the day like it was yesterday—a day after I'd been in a hospital briefly. Last year, in Mexico, on the beach in Mazatlan-- when we'd gone on the rented catamarans and literally swung over the sea like Indiana Jones and his lady fair.

That weekend had been among the deciding factors in our relationship. Tragedy had happened in the form of a trampling and possible almost kidnapping at an open air concert the day before. My family had intruded, gospel questions had been posed and answered as Rafe's band made up their minds what their feelings were about the Mormon church. I wasn't pushing it, but it naturally exuded, and therefore intruded. It wasn't just the church-- it was my complete reliance on Heavenly Father to make decisions and exercise agency.

Just the way it was.

And we'd jumped to the crucial point in any relationship where you decide how to deal with disagreements.

One of our disagreements was about the stance of homosexuality. Rafe's brothers, both of them were gay. One had killed himself. One was currently even, struggling with his feelings. I had tried not to be judgmental.

I love Lance.

Truly, I do.

I did not find his ex, Darnel, to be a fair or moral person. I found him to be all the things I disagreed with about differences. Let's just call it differences. I took all the ethics classes required and went through some psychological training and evaluation as well. I understood the ideas behind racial and cultural prejudices. I treat all people regardless, and don't let any views get in the way. Even in my private life, I prefer to honor people's preferences.

As long as they didn't push me to honor them as well.

Darnel didn't accept that Rafe and I had different preferences than he did.

I clicked the phone to talk to Lance, he hadn't called all that long ago. He picked up quickly and asked after my health instantly, showing his concern. And when that was over, and he was reassured, I asked about his current endeavor to woo an LDS lesbian lady who also planned to remain celibate.

"It's going well." He told me, settling in to our familiar conversation mode.

"Really? Tell me about it."

"I've had her over to or out to dinner every night since we last saw you, and we went to church together Sunday. I met her kids." He seemed proud of himself.

"Isn't it a little worrisome investing yourself so early?" In the relationship, I felt like he'd jumped in without any caution, making that decision to pursue, and perhaps act upon his intellectual idea, without thought for the emotional side of things. I was worried that might rear up and bite him in the butt if not addressed.

"Yes!" He said quickly, surprisingly. "Yes, we've thought about that together. It is very, very concerning. But as it turns out, we both find our ideas so compatible it's nigh unto intoxicating."

"Intoxicating?"

"Sweet Aubrey, there is so much to consider when making that determination to live according to the commandments, regardless. We are neither of us naïve, we've been around."

"I wasn't saying you're being naïve. I just see the adventure wearing off, and the day to day grind settling in, and reality intruding. It's hard to change perceptions."

"This isn't about changing perceptions, it's about living the gospel, which is challenging for everyone, Aubrey. And as far as adventure wearing off that's a matter of choice, in my opinion. You have to keep that side of any relationship alive. And addressing the day to day grind-- sorry, again, that's everyone. Not a straight couple, or a gay couple, or a mixed couple. That's everyone. Reality always intrudes. Whether you expect the issues or they take you by surprise."

"I think choosing to remain celibate is risky." I said.

"Um hm. Well, you should know. You chose to remain celibate until marriage, right? You were much, much older than your peers, right?"

I had to concede that this was indeed true, and the fact that until I met Rafe I wasn't really tempted, did in fact color my perceptions. I didn't know what it felt like to deny myself, because I seriously had not ever questioned whether I would.

"You and Nicky are older also. Do you somehow feel more in control of this side of your life? You mentioned in another conversation that you felt like sex wasn't the be all and end all, but in many, many cases it is."

He seemed to hesitate. "Sex is important to everyone." He finally said slowly. "I want sex."

"Then...."

"I want to be with my family forever."

"And her family too?"

"My Bishop told me that Heavenly Father will make it all right in the end, regardless of if we ever fall in love. If we treat each other with love and respect, and keep the commandments...." He didn't sound so sure.

"You met with your Bishop?"

"We-- we met with my Bishop."

"And he is willing for this relationship to move forward."

"Not exactly. He feels that the institution of marriage implies complete fidelity and commitment, and isn't sure that celibacy within marriage for our purported reasons is the best route. So, I asked him what is? And what if, after we are together, we find that we can either tolerate, or find happiness, and intimacy in our lives together? What then? It would be worth it. And we'll have each other to see ourselves through."

"Lance, are you coming by?"

He laughed. "You need to see the eyes to know how serious we are?"

"Key word being you..."

"Key word being we. Her kids are with their dad, and mine are with Darnel tonight. Why don't we stop by after dinner?"

"That sounds good."

"Where's Rafe?"

"Well, our kids are all at home, so yeah, I can't ditch them. Plus, I'm almost on bedrest as of today. Started having some silly little contractions, so yeah, need to keep them babies inside a little longer."

"You taking the steroids in case they do decide to come?"

"No. I don't-- don't think we're to that point yet."

"According to my research, you were to that point about three weeks ago."

"And who's the doctor now, baby?" I purred, and he laughed.

"Hands off, love. It's your life you're taking into your own hands, nobody to blame but yourself." I could hear him sigh. "Fine, we'll be over after dinner."

He clicked off and I turned back to contemplating the sea. But my thoughts were turned inward. I was thinking about the next five weeks, sitting out here, getting tan. I wasn't sure I previously believed that getting tan was actually good for my health. I'm pretty sure I believed that the only sun exposure should be because you are outside playing, doing things, working, not laying around soaking it up just for the heck of it. Gallons of sun-screen later, I would still end up with skin cancer and wrinkles if I just lay here. I don't actually know where I came up with that notion.

What were we going to do for five weeks? That's five weeks out of my life! Five weeks out of my kid's lives! Five weeks out of Rafe's life!

"Rafe!" I called and heard Laura, the cook's voice relay to him that I was calling. He poked his head out. He had his phone in hand and I nodded, expecting that he was taking a call. But he wasn't, as it turned out. He was researching how to pack more protein into my smoothie. He returned a few minutes later to sit beside me, handing me the smoothie, and sipping his own. "What did you need, lady?"

"Just wondering, if I am supposedly on bedrest for the next five weeks, until I deliver, what are we going to do? And what are you going to do?" I sighed, lifting my drink. "This is yummy."

"Well...." His voice was far away. "I have the show. We're in the Live's as of tomorrow, but they know you're due and I may get pulled away. It's expected. We'll work around it. Over the weekend, me and the guys are heading to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Friday night at the BMO Harris Bradley Center and Saturday we play Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland. I was thinking of taking Virgil with me. He might have a lot of fun. I'm staying in touch with Eli and Max--- we're just waiting to find out what happens with all that. Other than that--yeah--don't you think that's enough?"

"I know, I know, but what am I supposed to do?" I was whining, I actually heard it in my voice.

"Knit? Do you crochet? You could start now and make little blankets or something."

I threw a sock at him, one that someone had left outside on the lounge. He laughed, eyeing me up and down. I knew that look. I sipped my smoothie, waiting.

He held my eyes.

"What do you want to do, Aubrey?" Now his voice was low and slightly teasing.

I blinked long and slow, taking another sip, and deliberately leaving a foamy berry mustache. I let my eyes travel over the length of him. "You're going to be away a lot, and around all those models again, you'll forget all about your fat prego wife."

He let out his breath, swallowed again, and set his glass down, moving to add his weight to my lounge. One arm rested on either side of my legs. "There is that."

I set my glass down too. He picked it up and sipped it, creating a foamy mustache for himself. Then he scooted higher, still bracing himself, but his thumbs traced a pattern on either side of my thighs. His eyes still remained fixed, minute back and forth movements attesting to how close we were.

"You'll have to really give me something to remember you by." He traced his thumb closer to the adjunct of baby belly and leg. "Since I have such a short memory." He leaned in so I could make my intentions known. I reached for my drink, slowly retrieved it, and slowly took another sip. Rafe waited patiently, watching me, never taking his ever loving eyes off me. I set the glass down, full mustache in view, and then crooked my finger at him.

Rafe closed the distance between us, pressing his lips to mine softly, playing over them like silk. I closed my eyes, tasting the berries and the banana he'd made the smoothie with, as he tenderly plied me open for himself with his tongue. I could barely breathe. His left hand, the one on the ocean side lifted to stroke taut flesh. I felt my heart rate accelerate in time to his ministrations.

"Okay, yeah, I guess I won't forget you." I said sweetly.

He grinned against my lips. "It was you who thought I'd forget, you are supposed to be giving me something."

I couldn't lean forward, I just didn't have it in me. I pulled him close and kept my fist on his shirt, then I slipped my fingers down inside. I pressed my lips to his, moving provocatively, sucking a bit, and pulling his bottom lip between my teeth, just for a second, and running my tongue over it. He groaned and pressed into me.

"Hey, take it upstairs, lover boy!" Ben's voice burst our little intimacy bubble, as he kicked our lounge chair, grabbed Rafe's drink off the table beside us and drank the rest in about three gulps. Rafe leaned back, not looking at him, looking instead out to sea. I smiled and cocked my head.

"You just drank about 10,000 calories." I informed him, and he wiped his mouth with his hand.

"It wasn't even that good, either."

"Super high pro, for the kids."

"I thought this one was Rafe's."

"Oh, yeah, he usually sips it, but then I drink the rest." I said sweetly.

Rafe finally glanced at Ben. "What's up, bro?"

Ben relaxed his feet back on the matching lounger, and crossed his arms behind his head. "I have something to tell you." He said matter-of-factly.

Rafe nodded. "Is it about yesterday?"

Ben shrugged. "It started long before yesterday."

"Is it about Shellie and Antonia and the others?" I asked, trying to sound sincere, since I was sincere in asking.

"It is." He said. "Are we going to play twenty questions? This is fun."

"No, just spit it out."

"I'm going to date Hannah."

I almost spit out the smoothie. "What? Hannah? My Hannah?"

"She's barely twenty-one." Rafe added.

He shrugged. "Not only that, but I spent the night with her."

Now Rafe turned darkly piercing eyes on his best friend. "Tell me you spent a platonic night with her."

"Nope." Ben sounded pretty defiant. "But I don't have carnal knowledge either. Almost."

I thought Rafe might suffocate him right there with a lounge pillow. I laid a hand on his arm as I felt it tense up.

"Ben, was last night the first time you two have ah--- talked?"

"No. We've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks." He looked at the sky, and then back down. "I'm thinking of marrying her."

"Marrying her." I repeated. "Ben, do you know what you just said? Are you messing with us?"

"No. I'm not messing with you. I'm asking for your blessing. She's going up to Montana today, and I'm going with her. We're stopping in Park City to meet her folks."

Rafe had turned to stare at Ben's brown eyes, and his blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. I don't know what I thought he might have been about to say, but it wasn't this. Ben is at least sixteen years older than her.

"Ben--- Hannah has been distraught since Jeremy dumped her, or she dumped him, and then he married her sister. I hired her, but I didn't mean for her to change addictions, and go for you."

Ben picked his teeth, and then sat forward, looking at us intently. "She's of age, ladies and gentlemen, and you have very little to say about it. I was just coming to give you a head's up." He stood up. "It looks like it's going to be a right lovely hot day."

"Ben." Rafe stood up too, looked at me and started to take his best friend out of ear shot.

"Talking to him behind my back is going to stress me out more than if you'd just talk to him right here." I warned, giving them both the eye. Rafe pulled Ben back to two straight backed chairs very close to me. I looked up expectantly.

"Ben, what in the world made you two want to hook up?" Rafe didn't know what to say and I just snorted at his choice of questions. I guess it was made to add a buffer for processing this twist in the plot.

"You can't really have objections." Ben said, those nice full lips open in earnestness. "If two consenting people hit it off they have every right to explore their possibilities. I've been exploring, and I've been praying, granted not as much recently, but Hannah is just the type of girl to overlook inconsistency and be supportive of a guy's honest efforts."

I had nothing. I looked at Rafe. He had nothing.

Ben smiled and slapped his thighs. "Just wanted you guys to know."

Rafe looked at me and I looked at Ben and tried to envision him with my niece, and shrugged. He wasn't exactly wearing a tell-tale halo, but he certainly had promise.

****