******034:

Rafe and I sat on the patio, alone for the first time in days. We'd finished discussing Abbie and Jeremy still eating our food, and using our fridge, and when we could possibly kick them out. If she stayed being our nanny, it might be close to a year-- or more. Ahhhhh!

We were still discussing Chris and her poison dart words from the days before. She'd called Rafe today with much the same messages. Leave Lance alone, don't encourage him to date women. He was gay, always gay, no choice in the matter, and no choice in how he perceived himself. He had to-- according to her-- act on his homosexuality. Or what?

Die?

Gees, no other alternatives to happiness in this life? Nothing else as important as sex?

"Well, Aubrey, sex is pretty important." Rafe said casually, lying on his own lounge chair, kicked back staring at the stars (airplanes and satellites).

"I agree. It is. But you don't have to have sex in order to live."

He hesitated. "That's debatable."

"Rafe-- biologically---."

"I'm not talking biologically, that's obvious, Aubrey. But mentally, I think it does something weird to people who deny themselves of this basic human function. Sex isn't just to propagate the species."

Now I hesitated. Biologically it was.

"Let me assure you, Aubrey, there is a lot more to human function than just procreation. Even though obviously we are experts at that side of it. The question remains, why do we keep on doing it even though we know our work is done?" He adjusted himself in his shorts, and I noticed, of course. Talk like this-- um hm hm.

"It satisfies a need." But I said this with some inflexion at the end, as if I wasn't quite sure that was the right answer. I wanted to stubbornly believe that celibacy could be satisfying.

He shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. "It creates closeness, and fidelity. It creates loyalty and the desire for men to protect their women, or perhaps their partners, whoever that may be. It brings two people together and solidifies that very basic of human needs to be loved, to be cherished, to be connected."

I knew that, or at least I thought I did. Having never had sex until Rafe, I had never known the absence of it. It went from virginity-- self-induced till age twenty-nine, to marriage. No question about it the things Rafe had taught me, the things we did together had an element of closeness attached that couldn't be denied. I would never cheat on Rafe, but something about the closeness of our sexuality, did hold us together so that I didn't desire others. And he didn't either, he'd told me that.

"Before you I had plenty of sex, as we both know. But until you I'd never felt the absolute surety of trust and love and fidelity. It just plain isn't describable to one who has never experienced it. And I'm here to tell you that has nothing to do with the sex itself. It has everything to do with you. The sex is the cherry on top of our connection, but make no mistake, I will always want you, I can't imagine myself living without you, or the thought of coming home to you, and sharing your body."

He reached out and waggled his fingers to hold my hand, and when our fingers were laced, he drew them to his lips and kissed them fervently. "That probably wasn't as good of a description as I could have done given a little more time."

"It was beautiful, Rafe, and honestly, I think I am beginning to understand."

"I would hope you feel the same about me."

"I'm a doctor, bud, it's hard to see biological functions outside their biological performance realms, although I know they exist. You're the musician you see everything outside of its biological realm, and inside its emotional and social platform first and foremost."

"And that, my love is why God created the spiritual side of things. It's where biology and emotion meet." He continued kissing my fingers, until my arm ached from the angle. I tugged at it, turning on my side as best I could. The unwieldy center of gravity made the lounge chair wobble. I held still, hoping I didn't have to get up and reposition and then lay back down. That would be embarrassing.

"Lance deserves to feel loved, cherished, close, protected, safe, secure, and sexy if he so chooses. I think it is wise to choose balance when considering lifestyle changes that would seriously impede your balance between the biological, the emotional, the social etc." I said.

"I agree. Lance does deserve that, but he is choosing that spiritual side above the others. I think there is some merit in that."

"The church says that marriage is not a solution for homosexuality."

"Do they truly plan to stay celibate? Nobody, not even each other?"

"I don't know. That's initially what he said he was planning. I just can't see that as a viable answer to the problem."

"Maybe it will bring them to that need, as I said. They'll need that biological side, they'll need the social side and the emotional side and be drawn to each other, because their sense of what is spiritually right will force them to seek each other. Assuming it is the basis for their decisions."

"Assuming it is." I agreed. "Do you plan to see him this week before you leave?"

"Yeah. I think actually he might be coming with us. He's got a friend in Milwaukee." He sat up. "I'll keep the lines open, but if he wants to talk, I'll let him initiate it. I honestly think that's the best policy. Don't you?" He pulled me up, supporting my back as I struggled against the weight of the babies. Ouch, being pregnant was a pain.

We walked out on the beach and Rafe loosely held me, both of us tipped our heads back to the stars.

"About this thing with Felicity..." He said. "John Crimmons has been in touch with Roberto Jimenez's lawyers. We have absolutely no contact with Roberto himself. He is still pushing for full custody, but it is all wrapped up in legalities at the moment. We are not required."

"So, off that subject, but I felt weird at the pool today. There's this guy that keeps trying to talk to me. I think it might just be a fan of yours. I'm not sure. He knows about us, and about the kids, he keeps asking questions about the kids, says he wants to adopt. I'm probably just being paranoid."

Rafe sniffed, looking back at my eyes reflecting the house lights. He rubbed his finger under his nose and I realized he'd easily come to a conclusion and made an assumption and made a decision regarding it. My heart fell--- when would I get that feminine intuition I'd heard about? How not to get your man riled up?

"Thursday's the last day of swimming lessons? I'll be there."

"You have rehearsal, you're traveling that night." I protested. "I didn't mean you had to come check it out yourself. I meant I wanted reassurance that just because somebody talked to me, it doesn't mean I have to freak out and be all paranoid."

"You felt weird." He said crisply, shaking down my hands. "That's all that I need to hear."

"You can't protect me from every paranoid weird feeling I have! I'm pregnant, I don't think straight."

Rafe smashed us together comfortably. The babies writhed and rolled and kicked each other. Rafe dropped his clasp around my back to slide his palms up under my shirt, on bare skin, against the squirming little creatures inside. Classic.

He knelt, and pulled up the material so he could place his lips against my skin and then he started making all these weird sing-song noises-- half talking, and half random. I couldn't help but smile, tilting back to look at him, I put my hands in his dark hair and ran my fingers through it.

He spoke to each child calmly, explaining things about Uncle Lance, church, music, Ben, Jeff, Mutt, Jeremy and Levi. He spoke about Uncle Parker and Uncle Zack, Grandpa Fred, and Aunt Chris until my feet started to burn with cold and my legs threatened to give way.

"You need to have these conversations after they come out." I laughed, pulling him up carefully by his hair, he came easily and kissed me soundly, that mellow, warm melting kiss I loved so much.

It made me realize that this sexual contact was indeed necessary--- not biological (although kissing usually did release dopamine in the majority of the population), but sweetly emotional and social and spiritual all rolled into one.

****