*****027:

Chris finally came and sat near me after the cake had been sung to, and the candles all blown out. People were dancing, playing volleyball, some were still out on the waves. Our group was far too adult and too large now, with stop-in's, to be called a child's birthday party, but Felicity didn't know. She was busy being adored by her favorite cousins, Celeste and Kaye. End of conversation.

I determined not to show how nervous I felt when Chris came to sit by me. She'd been pretty pissed off at me not only at our very first meeting when she'd told me I didn't know Rafe at all--- (and I humbly agreed--- but with reservations because seriously the spirit--- which she denied--- the spirit had whispered confirmation to me that I did know Rafe--- just not from this mortal realm. Simple as that. I had to get to know him all over again in this life, but it meant we were something--- something to each other), she'd also been fairly explicit at my wedding and her mother's funeral--- calling me a Mormon slut.

"Hello, Aubrey." Her hair was too short now to flip behind her ears, or swing around her shoulders, but she made those movements out of habit. I looked around for reinforcements, and for once, there literally were none. Everyone--- literally everyone--- was looking the other way.

"Hi, Chris." I wasn't sure what my reaction to her would be. Pregnancy had made me emotional, but in an effort to avoid coming across too emotional, I'd found myself shutting people out, in a way, pushing their inner selves aside in my mind so they couldn't touch me and make me cry.

Like Eli. I felt super comfortable with Eli, because I had nothing invested in him. Not like Lance, who I had everything invested in. His pain was my pain, and right now it was acute and sharp.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like a waddling stegosaurus." I answered promptly with a grin.

"You look a little like one from the front too." She agreed, lifting her glass of something cold.

I shrugged. "Carrying five."

"How many do you think you will lose? In delivery, that is?" It was deliberately rude, tactless, uncouth.

My heart rate accelerated. "Rafe and I don't go there, we practice statistical denial. Not prepared to lose any, honestly, they are all precious and wanted and necessary to us."

"Not saying they aren't all valuable." She shook her head and sipped again, looking out to the waves. "Let's not go here."

I felt her desire for an overture of friendship and was immensely happy inside, but I wouldn't cry about how happy I was.

So onto better topics. What else was there? I think I was about to find out.

"I see Lance is altering his inner core to impress you." Chris said and then shook herself. "That didn't come out right, please excuse my natural bitterness toward you, long time habit, and I came here hoping to work through some of it."

I waved her off. "I appreciate your efforts, Chris." I managed slowly, also looking out to sea, realizing that I hadn't been exceptionally charitable in my feelings toward her either. "But I want you to be yourself. We both know we have some issues, and not a lot of love for each other, but we're it in together, so at least let's be honest. We can start from the premise that you tolerate me and I tolerate you."

She grunted. I could see the relief and acceptance in her eyes. "I don't really tolerate you then."

My neck wobbled my head. "Okay. Well, we'll agree to be blunt and honest."

She actually laughed at that. I'm glad it was getting dark, and the lights from the kitchen at our backs wasn't enough to illuminate the way my eyes were glossing over. My throat felt clogged, not choked up yet, but possibly coming.

"Lance?" I went on smoothly.

She blew out her breath. "He's convinced himself that if he can't have Darnel, then maybe he isn't gay after all."

I hadn't got that from speaking to him. And I didn't know how much he'd confided in her versus me, so I nodded.

"He thinks if he denounces his inner sexuality, and pretends he is not gay, that he can come back to full fellowship in your church. You and I both know that isn't true. He will be setting himself up for more heartache, and I'm not sure that he wouldn't go the same way as Daniel."

I started at her assessment. "Lance would never kill himself. He has a huge very tight support network that I don't think Daniel ever had. I don't find him unstable as much as trying out possibilities to see if any fit."

Aside: In case you are reading this unclearly—unfortunately, people don't get to pick their own names, and sometimes writing about it can be confusing---- there is Daniel Stryker, Lance and Rafe's older brother who upon returning from his church mission decided to act on homosexual tendencies he'd been feeling. His membership was subsequently taken away and in tragic response, he'd killed himself.

Darnel--- D.A.R.N.E.L. is Lance's ex-husband. They were together close to ten years and they have three kids together. Darnel is very active in the LGBT movement, he parades, he rally's, he parties exclusively with other gays, and feels open about his sexual preferences--- it seemed possibly on the outside of their relationship that one of the reasons Darnel wanted to be with Lance was because of his connections with Rafe (who is obviously not gay). He encouraged Rafe to show his support for his brother's choices by posing for LGBT magazines nude, by attending rallies, by offering financial contributions and by being open in interviews about that support. Axis had a rep for not doing any venues that didn't cater to gays.

Before me.

Rafe started questioning his allegiance to the LGBT movement almost instantly upon meeting me. Which, sorry to say for Darnel anyway, tells me that Rafe was already questioning this issue in his mind. I am a clarifier for Rafe. I'm strongly opinionated at the far extreme of his preconceived notions---- and I have religious and personal reasons. He thought he was strongly opinionated, but he doesn't like waking up and realizing he's been a victim of propaganda.

He is also the furthest thing in my mind from a hypocrite. If he feels he is being hypocritical, he really examines those feelings. In the case of his LGBT affiliation, he began to question why he was supporting something that sought to tear down something else. Not just an outdated perception (which is what some feel traditional heterosexual marriage and relationships are), but all of Christianity and the Biblical teachings against homosexuality. It was the first time he'd actually questioned it for himself.

He is still in the process of questioning his feelings.

I looked at Chris, her dark eyes hard on me. She was waiting to pounce.

"There's no way the church is ever going to let him back in." She stated clearly, contemptuously.

"He's still technically a member."

"What does that mean? He hasn't been excommunicated? He will be if he tries to come back to activity. Once they find out what he is, it'll all be over. All this idea he has of going to the temple and having his kids sealed to him--- it's bullshit. You know it and I know it. That's one of the reasons I wanted to talk to you, honestly, is to hopefully talk some sense into you. Please don't encourage this. Please open your eyes. It will not go well for him if he pursues this."

"You don't know that."

I looked out to where Nicky and Lance were playing beach volleyball with a bunch of others. They weren't drinking, they were laughing. They weren't being inappropriate, trying to come on to each other, in fact, they were on opposing teams, nowhere near each other. Nothing forced. They weren't branded with a homosexual insignia. Without knowing---- frankly, nobody would actually know. They weren't a couple yet--- but they were together.

"I do know that." She whisked her phone out of her pocket and brought up a website of testimonials. Gays who had tried to deny what they were, and within the church had ended up very unhappy. In my efforts to understand Lance recently, I too had looked up some of these websites.

I looked at her phone, but waved it away. "I've seen them."

"Then you know. It doesn't help anybody. The church shouldn't be encouraging marriage for these people. It's isn't a cure all-- marriage is hard no matter what-- hard enough that most marriages don't end well." She rolled her eyes, and I had to wonder if her marriage was suffering. She had certainly done some physical grieving in the last several weeks. It was possible she was doing some internal grieving as well, and that would affect her husband, relationship and family.

"Statistically speaking, monogamous marriages where both partners are the same religion and keep God in their lives, are ten times more likely to succeed. Heterosexual marriages in the church are still above the national average for success."

"Not much." She shrugged, and I knew she'd done her homework. Yes, that number was falling. Satan had his claws in everything.

"Chris. I'm not encouraging Lance. I'm pretty skeptical too. I don't want to see him hurt any more than you do."

Her eyes swiveled to mine in accusation. "He quotes you constantly. You are encouraging him."

"Quotes me?"

"Aubrey says this, Aubrey says that. It's getting thick. I am actually getting sick of it."

"I'm not the one telling him what to say!"

"Well, I started figuring that maybe you weren't, and so I came to the conclusion he is half in love with you. It makes sense. Lance is more like Rafe than you might think, so it follows that he might be attracted to the same type of woman his brother is."

I sat up, feeling the hardening in my belly, a sharper pain across my back. I readjusted, waiting for the pain to subside. "Chris. He is not attracted to me--- at all. You've got it wrong. He is attracted to the love he sees in our little family, he is attracted to the idea of having a forever family, of working with someone toward the common goal of a forever family. He is old enough and experienced enough to make those decisions for himself."

"And you're saying he thinks he can find that in a church that hates him and excommunicates his kind?" She scoffed.

I scrunched up my lips, wishing I could stand, it was time for a potty break. "No. If members of my church--our church-- feel same gender attraction and identify as gay but do not engage in any homosexual behaviors, they are encouraged to live the law of chastity like anybody else. And they can participate fully in all aspects of the church. They can have callings, even leadership callings, they can work with kids, and they can go to the temple. Chris, the church offers the same to gays as it does to all its members. Keep the commandments, try and live the law of chastity. This has never changed."

"That might be the consensus of your handbooks, Aubrey, but that isn't the way members treat people of Lance's persuasion."

"Yes, it is!" I argued, finally getting to my feet. "I wish I could make you see. That may have happened to Daniel, I don't actually know, I wasn't there, somebody may not have been sensitive, somebody may have hurt him. Somebody may have been cruel. It happens in all areas of life. People are not perfect, and we do not live in a perfect world." I moved toward the door.

"All I'm asking Aubrey is that you stop encouraging Lance. I don't want to lose this brother too."

I got to the sliding doors, turning to her. "Then talk to him, Chris, and be a part of his life, and Rafe's life. They love you, they need you. Accept them for who they are today, and live with their choices today, not in the past. Let them change if they want to. Let them grow and progress, get married have children. And by the way, it means a great deal to Rafe that you came to celebrate his daughter's birthday, don't tell him that you came just to warn me off Lance." Then I disappeared inside, hoping my blood pressure wasn't getting too high.

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