*****020:

So, there I was sitting up on my bed, supposed to be taking my nap when who should reveal that they've been listening, but dear sweet loveable Lance. I was staring pensively at our bedspread, one that had originally graced a hotel room in beautiful Mexico City, and one I had bought and had shipped here to remind us of those days we'd spent there, pre-marriage, and pre-kids--- trying to decide who we were together. Good times, good times.

Lance came in and bounced on the bed. He scrunched up the pillow under his arm and eyed me furtively. "You're in a mood."

I glanced at him under my arm. "Ben just told me he's taking a hiatus from church."

"I'm genuinely sorry to hear that, but I guess I do understand. The pressures to be a Mormon definition of moral can be taxing."

"Taxing." I repeated numbly.

"Well, my definition of moral and yours can be, and probably are two different things." His dark hair waved over his forehead at this angle, and he looked so much like Rafe, I could picture myself curling on my side and snuggling up next to him. However, that thought about made my skin crawl, and I scooted unobtrusively away. Rafe was Rafe, no one, not even his brother compared.

"I guess so." He could tell I didn't agree. But I knew they all thought I was ridiculously unable to understand their dilemma, and their efforts to fit their nonconforming life into my completely conformist life. I was too goody-good for them. Was there not to be a happy medium at all for us?

"I almost went to church today myself."

"Almost?"

"Well, in my defense, Kaye was up in the night throwing up. She's okay now."

"Now that she's out enjoying infecting all my kids?"

"I think it might have been something she ate, no one else is sick."

"Okay." I relaxed. "So, you're thinking about going to church for reals?"

"Yeah. Instead, I went on this LDS singles site, and you're not going to believe this, but Marlon was right. There are women out there struggling with their same-sex attraction too. They want to conform---." He stressed the word for my benefit. "And they know that acting on their feelings is against church policy, and although there are a good number of them out there who want church policy to change in their favor, there are quite a few that believe that church policy should stay the same and that with the right guy they could conform."

"Conform." I sounded like a talking parrot, repeating everything he said, but I was genuinely bewildered.

"Well, say, for conversation sake that I wanted to come back to church, denounce my sinful ways and get active, even have my kids sealed to me. That's all possible if I keep the commandments and live a moral life. I can even marry a woman who feels the same as me. You yourself say the church stays out of the bedroom. I can be married and never have sex. As long as I don't pursue sex outside of marriage, I can have my family forever."

"You'd marry a girl you don't love? And both of you would be celibate? Are you crazy?"

"No, it's all about priorities."

"Priorities?" Again the whole parrot voice thing.

"I have to decide what I want more. My family forever, or sex in this life. Because I am becoming more and more convinced that if I live my life according to God's commandments, he will ultimately give me what I want."

"I think you're nuts."

He laughed and laughed. His shoulders shook as he pounded Rafe's pillows. "Nuts you say!"

"Well, what kind of marriage would that be? Lance, you're young and virile and good looking and you have so much to offer. I really think settling on----."

"I didn't say settle. It would be because we both want it. More than anything. I think that's actually a pretty good foundation."

"I think it might be a set up for failure."

"I talked to a few last night. You're talking youngish women, some have been married before, all have turned lesbian, and then renounced it and are living celibate lives already. All are lonely, despairing, and ostracized. Why the hell not, excuse my French, why not combine our common trials and handicaps, if you will--- whatever you want to call it? Why not combine and be happy, have a companion, and love and security the rest of our lives, be able to go to the temple, and enjoy family life? Why would that be so bad?"

I sobered up in a hurry, leaning over to look in his eyes. "I will support you no matter what you choose." I said, feeling off balance, ready to tip over. Like all the water weight inside me was listing to one side. I put out a steadying hand thinking I meant to touch him, Lance took my hand. I fell over on him lazily; not meaning to, but boom, one minute my fat body was sitting the next I had literally tipped over.

Rafe cleared his throat from the doorway.

I tried to right myself and ended up sprawling. Rafe grabbed my leg and pulled me back, as I swung my other leg to get some leverage in sitting back up.

"It's not what you think." Lance laughed.

"What exactly do you think I'm thinking?" Rafe's voice was strained this time, but low and tinged with humor. I managed to get a grip and sat up, straightening my fat lady skirt.

"That I'm coming on to your wife."

"You're lying on my bed, on my pillow with your hands on my wife, but no, I don't think you're coming on to her. No, not at all." Rafe gave me a cocky grin. "We can always go for the threesome, cherie, I just hadn't thought we'd progressed that far in our relationship, but if you're ready for the big leagues, baby..."

"Gross, Rafe! Please!" I crowed, finally managing to get his hand. "Help me!" I got my balance and turned to him. "Rafe." I held his eyes, cocking my head to one side.

"Aub-ber-ey?" His eyes bored into mine, half mocking, half serious.

I looked over at Lance who was shaking his head, laughing, making no attempt to get out of our bed. "I feel right at home."

I glanced back and forth between the two, oh so handsome, devilishly so--- men. Then I stood, braced myself against Rafe's shoulders and marched out of the room without looking back. I heard both of them laughing as I did. And then I stopped stalk still. I had just run into the reason Rafe was coming to get me.

Hannah was out on the patio.

*****