┊┊┊┊ ➶ ❁۪ 。˚ ✧

┊┊┊┊ ➶ ❁۪ 。˚ ✧

⚠️ this story contains topics as eating disorders, body dysmorphia, low self esteem, negative thinking, perfectionism and obsession. please read at your own risk. ⚠️

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"I took the freedom to bring some clothes for you" Namsoo spoke, when Jinah clocked out of work and was in the dressing room. Namsoo sat on the bench and watched Jinah pack her clothes into a tote bag.

"Oh? I don't think I can fit into your clothes though" Jinah said and Namsoo chuckled. "I know... they might be a bit tight— but!" Namsoo smiled. "The skirt has an elastic band the blouse is oversized!" Taking off her bag she opened it and took out a baby pink skater skirt and a white sleeveless blouse with ruffles around the buttons.

Jinah gulped. The pieces were flimsy and probably way too small for the taller female. A weak smile plastered itself on Jinah's lips. "I'll take a shower and put them on" she said and grabbed the clothes from Namsoo's hands.

"I'll get changed as well!", the black-haired girl called as Jinah closed the bathroom door behind her. She looked at herself in the mirror. To herself her thighs looked huge and her arms looked way too big. She couldn't even look at her stomach. It was round, bloated and had stretch marks.

In reality, Jinah didn't look like this.

She had thin arms, almost too thin for the proportions of her body. Her thighs weren't thick. They were thin. Her legs looked like they could break any second. Her stomach was flat and her ribs were poking out.

Jinah was underweight. Her weight-height comparison didn't match. But the girl just couldn't see it. All she saw was her flaws. Her disgusting looking body, her ugly face and everything that didn't look picture perfect.

Next to oh-so perfect Lee Namsoo, Jinah was a D.U.F.F: the designated ugly fat friend. Jinah was used to being invisible. And when she was seen, she was nothing more than an ice breaker to get closer to Namsoo.

"God, I'm so ugly" Jinah whispered before turning away from the mirror. She couldn't look at herself longer than a few minutes. Her own image made her upset and even more insecure than she already was.

She quickly took a shower, washed her body—without looking at it—and shampooed her hair. Once out of the shower she dried her body and put on the clothes Namsoo brought her.

They obviously fit. But to Jinah they seemed too short, too tight. She pressed her lips together and held her breath. "Don't cry now" she told herself and quickly dried her plum colored hair.

Once she was dressed and fixed her short hair, she left the bathroom and walked into the dressing room. Namsoo was currently standing in front of the mirror and fixing her make up. She wore a white dress with a flare skirt.

"Oh my!" Namsoo said, when she saw Jinah in the reflection of the mirror. "You look cute! And it fits!" Namsoo clapped her hands and grinned. Jinah wiped her hands on the pink skirt. "Ah, yes" she whispered. "Where are we heading?", she asked, grabbing her stuff.

The two girls left the changing rooms and walked to the parking lot. Namsoo told her about the pub her Sunbae's were going to tonight. "A few of my seniors will be there tonight. It's a super cozy place" she smiled. "You're going to like it. The foods super tasty!" Namsoo waited for Jinah to unlock her Mini.

"It's in Hongdae and a super trendy place. The prices shouldn't be a problem, right?" Namsoo knew Jinah was wealthy and Jinah knew that her friend sometimes uses her black credit card for her own good.

Jinah didn't mind paying for her friend. Her childhood friend Park Jay also did this to her, even though she was equally as wealthy as him. It was normal for Jinah to pay for her friend.

"Sure" Jinah said and checked her wallet. She had the credit card with her—as usual.

The two girls climbed in the car. "Your car reeks a bit" Namsoo frowned. "Robin was in here this morning. We went to Hangang Park and she played by the water. You know how wet dogs smell" Jinah answered and started the engine.

"I know. But it's not a pleasant smell. Open the window please."

Jinah nodded and opened the window and started driving towards the pub, Namsoo had told her about. The drive was quiet, as Namsoo was busy taking selfies with her phone and Jinah concentrated on the traffic of Seoul.

The radio was playing quiet music and Jinah banged her fingers onto the steering wheel in the rhythm of the music. She gently stopped the car by a red light, when Namsoo sighed. "You'll be the designated driver, right?", she asked and Jinah nodded. "I'm not that keen on drinking, you know that."

Namsoo chuckled. "Tell that to your rich boyfriend" she shook her head. "Jay's not my boyfriend" Jinah answered. "Oh, really?", Namsoo teased and gently slapped Jinah's right arm. "Yes?", she asked. "He's my childhood friend. A family friend."

Namsoo chuckled behind her hand. "But you went drinking with him in this overly fancy rich kid club" she said. "That was for his birthday." Jinah started driving and Namsoo shook her head next to her. "The two of you were posing with bottles of extremely expensive Soju. My poor ass can't relate."

Jinah sighed. "That didn't mean we drank it" she said, but Namsoo wasn't listening anymore. "So you'll be the driver?", the black haired beauty asked and Jinah noddd. "Great. But if I end up hitting it off with my Sunbae, and he'll take me home, you can just leave. Okay?", asked her and Jinah glanced over to her.

"You're planning to go home with him?", Jinah asked and Namsoo nodded, looking at the mirror in the sun shield. "Sure, if we hit it off. Why not? I'm twenty! I'm in the age to be wild and rebellious."

Jinah gulped. Namsoo was way more experienced in almost everything. Namsoo used to have a lot of boyfriends in the past. When she broke it off with one, she needed a new one to distract her from the heart ache and so on.

Namsoo was currently single. But apparently she was interested in this older dude from her college. "What's his name?", asked Jinah and Namsoo sighed. "Kim Hanwool. He's an absolute babe. Tall, very muscular and his face is so smoochable, ugh!"

Namsoo hit her thigh. "He's a total heartthrob. You're going to like him, I guess. He's smart and kind and, oh my god, his hands!" Namsoo rolled her eyes. "It's annoying how whipped I am for him."

"Is he older than us?"

Namsoo nodded. "Hanwool turned twenty-four earlier this year. He's super experienced so I wouldn't mind ending up with him." A girly chuckle left Namsoo's lips and Jinah nodded. The Gemini didn't have any experiences with love, romance or doing it.

She never had a boyfriend, never kissed a boy or even held a boys hand. (Except Park Jay's hand when the two of them were still small.) Jinah also thought she didn't deserve to be loved by another human being. She was way too ugly and fat to be anyones girlfriend.

People were probably thinking how gross and disgusting she was.

"You can park over there" Namsoo said and pointed at the small parking lot next to the pub. "We're here." Jinah parked her Mini and climbed out. She waited for Namsoo to climb out as well. The three month older girl was checking her reflexion in the mirror once more before getting out of the car.

"Ready?", asked Jinah and Namsoo nodded. The two girls linked their arms with each other and walked into the pub. Indie music was blasting from the speakers and the pub was pretty full. A lot of college students and young adults were sitting by the bar or at the tables, eating and drinking and just celebrating life.

"Oh, they're over there!" Namsoo grinned and dragged Jinah over to a table where three men and a woman were sitting. They were visibly older than Jinah who had just turned twenty.

Some of the men were having facial hair and one of them was pretty muscular—probably this Kim Hanwool guy Namsoo was talking about. Jinah bowed politely when they reached the table.

"Hi guys!" Namsoo greeted, "This is my friend Kwon Jinah. I promised to bring another girl, right?" Namsoo smiled and motioned Jinah to sit down next to the woman. Jinah bowed once again and glanced at the woman.

The woman was beautiful. But not in the Korean standard kind of way. She had long hair, tanned skin, a lot of makeup on her face and had a huge chest. She wore a shirt with a V-neckline that portrayed her cleavage. Her smile was kind and her eyes were warm and welcoming.

"Hi, I'm Kim Hanwool" the boy with the muscles and the skin tight white T-Shirt called. "This is my friend Son Jaesung and Lee Duri." Jinah bowed towards the two men that were styled similar to Kim Hanwool. "And I'm Duri's girlfriend Kim Migyeong."

"K-Kwon Jinah" the shy girl answered and Namsoo smiled at her. "Did y'all already ordered something to eat?", Namsoo asked and moved her leg towards Hanwool. The man smiled at her warmly.

"Not yet. We wanted to wait for you guys" Hanwool answered. "We only ordered some water for everyone." Hanwool handed Namsoo and Jinah a glass and Jaesung filled them with water.

"Thank you" Jinah whispered and quickly gulped down the water. The college students started talking with each other, while Jinah acted as if she was interested in the menu. She had to order something in order to not look suspicious. But everything on this menu looked like high calorie meals with a lot of carbs.

"So, Jinah-sshi" Hanwool started and Jinah flinched and looked up. "You've been Namsoo's friend since high school? She told us a lot about you!", the man smiled and Jinah nodded. "Yes, we met in high school" she repeated the statement. The adults nodded.

"What is your major, Jinah-sshi?" Migyeong asked and Jinah smiled. She wanted to answer, when Namsoo beat her to it. "Jinah doesn't need to study like we ordinary people do" she chuckled and Jinah looked over to her friend.

"Jinah's the heir to Seoul Zoo!", Namsoo announced and Jinah looked at her. "Why would you tell them?", she whispered and felt her face heat up. She didn't like it, when Namsoo put her family background in the focus.

"Seoul Zoo?" Duri asked and Jinah nodded. "My fathers the chairman of Seoul Zoo. But I'm currently doing an apprenticeship as a zookeeper" Jinah quickly added and felt her hands get clammy.

Migyeong nodded. "That must be interesting right? I mean you work with wild animals... isn't that dangerous?" Jinah chuckled. "I'm working with the penguins. They're not as wild as the other animals. But one time one of them pecked me." Jinah lifted her left hand and showed a scar on the left side of her hand.

"It was a male. He was annoyed of me getting to close to his chick, so he pecked my hand. It bled like crazy!" Jinah smiled at Miygeong, who only chuckled. "Sounds like a tough job." Namsoo looked at her best friend and Migyeong and rolled her eyes. She then turned around to look at Hanwool, who was also smiling at her.

― 🐧♥️🦭 ―

Once the waiter came, Jinah quickly ordered a roll of Tuna Gimbap and a bowl of rice with fried egg. The Tuna Gimbal had 240 calories, the bowl of rice had 136 calories and the fried egg had 90 calories. That meal alone had 466 calories.

Jinah's head was spinning. She needed at least forty minutes to burn these 466 calories. She was deep in thoughts when Migyeong gently poked her shoulder. Jinah blinked and looked at the woman.

"You okay?", the older female asked and Jinah nodded. "Yes" she smiled and fumbled with the hem of her skirt. She wanted to go home. This was definitely a thing between Namsoo and her college friends.

"You're kinda pale" Migyeong said and took the jug of water to fill Jinah's cup. "No, no, it's fine!", Jinah gasped but Migyeong shook her head. "You feel better, when you ate." Jinah nodded forcefully.

Yeah, sure, she thought and looked at Namsoo. Namsoo was listening to something Hanwool was saying. Completely infatuated with the older man. Migyeong seemed to notice it. "She has a crush on good ole Captain Korea over there" the brunette woman spoke. "When she saw him the first time, she stumbled into the lecture hall." Jinah nodded. "We all had a crush on him" Jaesung said, leaning towards Jinah and Migyeong.

"True. When Jaesung and I started college, we had the same lectures with Hanwool and both developed a crush on him" Migyeong smiled, "but then I fell for cute Duri over here and Jaesung moved on from Hanwool." Jinah nodded once again.

Migyeong looked at Jaesung. Both of them felt how shy Jinah was and decided to leave her alone. When the food came, Migyeong was surprised by the small amount of food Jinah had ordered, but didn't say anything.

While everyone had huge bowls of stew, meat or other delicious food; Jinah was content with her Gimbap and rice. Actually Jinah felt disgusted for eating this stuff. She swallowed the Gimpab and felt the grease and the junk in it. She felt like gaining even more weight from just one bite.

While everyone was having fun with each other and chatting about their college life, Jinah fell back into this dark hole. A hole filled with evil thoughts and mirrors that showed her how disgustingly fat she was. How ugly she was. How unattractive she was.

And how she could never openly flirt with someone like Namsoo was. Just because she wasn't pretty enough. Slim enough. Attractive enough.

Hold on a little longer, Jinah, she told herself, once you're home you can grab Robin and go out for a run. You won't have these 466 calories in your system for too long.

— ❄︎ —

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠!

𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞.

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

—𝕤𝕟𝕠𝕨𝕗𝕝𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕞𝕪𝕝𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕠𝕡