With the joy of love, comes the sharing of pain with the one that you do love.

Yesterday, Doug sadly lost his mother.

We both knew that this day would come, we just didn't think it would be so soon after Doug deciding to give up his DJ residency at Revival. It's only been three weeks, but his mum no longer could cling to what little of life she had left. Alzheimer's, finally won the war on her body.

Doug has kind of switched himself to autopilot—registering her death, seeing his mum at the chapel of rest, organising her funeral, finalising things at Chestnut House, taking his mum's belongings from the care home back to his family home in Waltham Forest—all within the quiet grip of grief.

I feel helpless.

Useless.

Doug is hurting, and I can't stop his hurting.

The whole time he has been gone, I have been sat in his apartment, thinking of ways that I can make him feel better. But remembering how I felt after losing Marcus, and again after losing my grandma—nothing will make Doug feel better.

This is a path that he has to walk along alone. Sure, I can hold his hand while he walks it, but ultimately, it's his own path of grief.

When I hear him turning his key in the apartment door lock, I nervously sit taller on the sofa. As he steps inside, he moves with a burdened gait. He wanders in with an aura of unspoken sadness surrounding all of him. "Hey." He mumbles, thoughtfully trying to greet me with a fatigued smile.

"Hey." Is my heartbroken reply back to him, heartbroken because Doug is trying so hard not to be any different with me.

Rising from off the sofa, I tread with my bare feet across the oiled wood flooring. Not saying a word, I just go up behind Doug, who is now looking sadly out of one of the large apartment windows. Nestling my body against his back, my arms move to where his rising and falling chest is. Still saying nothing, I just hold him. I hold him like there's no tomorrow. Bringing his hands up to clasp onto mine, a cluster of suppressed sobs soon dislodge themselves from Doug's anguished throat. "It's over, Frankie. It's finally over." Tremors of hurt and relief, cause his body to jerk in my hold. So I cling onto him even tighter. I cling, because I know that is all that he needs from me right now.

He doesn't need my words.

He doesn't need my tears.

He doesn't need my understanding.

He just needs to be held.

It's like the plug to his grief has been pulled, so it's emptying itself from where he tenuously stands. The mess of Doug's pain, I am mopping up with my embrace. The volume of his sorrow, I mute with my love.

"Without you, I just don't think I would be able to do any of this." Is whispered from out of his emotion-choked throat.

Still clinging to his back, I begin kissing his shoulders that are covered by the cotton of his shirt. "In whatever way you need me to be, I am here for you." More of my loving kisses meet with the fabric on his shoulders, and the more I hold him lovingly tighter.

Breathing in hard, Doug's breaths sound so fractured. "I took in one of mum's favourite dresses to the funeral directors. They had her in one of her nighties, I think she would have preferred to be cremated in one of her dresses." He's sharing with me one of his many thoughts. "And I think I'll pick some roses from her garden to be put in the casket with her...mum always loved her roses."

Stroking his stomach, I quietly tell him. "Your mum will like that."

Still looking out of the window, Doug talks while he's watching the people of Shoreditch go about their afternoon business, unaware of him standing there with all of his overwhelming loss. "Do you believe that there's a heaven, Frankie?"

"I'd like to think that there is somewhere that we all go to. It's our energies that make us who we all are, so surely that energy goes somewhere, even though our bodies don't." Not knowing whether or not I am making any sense to him, I try to explain in a more simple way. "I guess I am saying that I think energy is everlasting, and although our bodies may not be a living and breathing thing anymore...I think our energies go somewhere."

Doug soon replies. "Mum would often tell me that she could sometimes feel when my father was around—a smell, a touch or just a sense that he was nearby."

Knowing that feeling all too well, I am quick to share it with Doug. "When Marcus died, I would sometimes feel this light breeze on the back of my neck, or sometimes, I would get the faintest waft of his favourite body spray...I swear it was him."

Doug is quiet for a moment, until he turns around to face me with a hard and outward sigh. "It's weird, but I feel like my mum is now free. Her spirit is no longer trapped inside the body and the mind that she had in this life. That spirit of hers, I think, will be reuniting itself with my father again." He hugs me cherishingly close, resting his chin on the top of my head. "They loved each other so much, Frankie. I just hope they are together again."

Rubbing my cheek against the softness of his shirt, I reply with what I truly do believe. "I have no doubt that they are. You DiCarto men are to be forever loved by their women."

Doug chuckles, moving his chin softly back and forth on my head. "Is that so?" He tilts his upper body back, just enough to be able to see me.

Looking into his brown eyes, now rimmed with redness from his crying, I smile up at him. "I shall forever love you, Doug DiCarto. I shall love you in death, just as I will love you in life."

Bringing his mouth down to mine, Doug briefly kisses my lips with the warmness of his own. "Every single day, you amaze me, Frankie Fenner." His eyes are still glazed with grief, but his voice is soused with such affection. "I'm so glad you're in my life." His mouth lightly brushes itself across my parted lips, making them tickle with the feather like sensation. "When are you supposed to be going to get the coil fitted again?" His mouth continues doing its tempting tickle thing. "I really want to be inside of you without using a condom anymore." His hold on me becomes more needy, more desperate.

The chemistry between Doug and I, has always been almost touchable. And I know that great sex, is often used by Doug as a release for so many of his emotions—lust, happiness, frustration, anger—and now grief.

"It's tomorrow morning, but I think I should cancel?"

Doug frowns, cocking his head when he stares back at me. "Why?"

"With everything that's going on, I just thought that maybe I should postpone it until next month?"

Shaking his head, Doug smiles at me. "You don't need to postpone it, Frankie. It needs to be done." He then assures me with a quick cuddle. "What time is your appointment?"

"Ten."

Kissing my forehead, Doug now sounds determined. "Okay, ten it is, then."

"Are you sure you have time?"

Doug now tuts. "Are you seriously asking me whether I have time to be with my girlfriend when she is going to have the coil fitted?" He's smiling, eager for me to answer him.

A little embarrassed, I weakly shrug my shoulders. "You have loads going on, maybe I could get Nancy to come with me instead?"

Now he rolls his brown eyes at me. "Until the funeral, there's not much else I can do." Again, he's trying to reassure me with one of his kind smiles. "You're having the coil fitted for us. So unless you have something to tell me about you and Nancy, then it's I who should be going with you tomorrow." His smile becomes a crooked grin. "I love you. You're my girlfriend. So, I'm coming with you, okay?"

Returning his grin, I squint at Doug with blue-eyed endearment. "Okay." I happily concede.

Despite just losing his mum, Doug is still wonderfully thinking of us.

He's protecting our future.

He's tenderly taking charge.

He's committing himself to all that we are.

And for that, I love him more than I did just a minute ago.

💋 Mallion Interlude 💋

Awwwww, poor Doug.... I just wanted to crawl into this chapter and just hold him like Frankie is.

Oh, and the fab track above is: CALVIN HARRIS ft ELLIE GOULDING - I NEED YOUR LOVE