TRIGGER WARNING

~FLASH BACK~

"You look so beautiful currently, so helpless, so vulnerable." Uncle Vincent's gaze glinted with lust as he grazed my chin with his fingers. I just blankly stared at the ceiling as I lay on the concrete floor, its coldness piercing my bare back.

"Dad, dinner is ready! Come downstairs." Sage called out as he had burst open the door, completely unfazed by the egregious view in front of a girl tied up, laying on the floor with bruises adorning every inch of her bare body, and his father groping her. And why should he have been though? after all he was also the felon behind them.

"Have some rest, Lily. You have an incredibly long day ahead if you know what I mean." Both the newly added monsters of my life snickered and acted as if it was a Christmas eve and we would have unwrapped gifts like a one normal and happy family.

As they both exited the room, I thought I would have started crying like the pathetic bitch that I had become in the past 48 hours but I was unexpectedly numbed.

It had been two days since I was residing in this ghastly nightmare. At first, I thought I would have woken up soon, only to find out that all this was only a twisted dream and that my family didn't betray me but I should have known better than to trust my fate to be fortunate.

I just blinked a few tears glinting in my eyes. My body was in immense suffering, every inch of it was aching. But my mind was oddly in peace as if what had been happening with me for the past 48 hours was as wonted as dandelions soaring in Spring.

Suddenly, my gaze fell on the phone resting beside me. An unwitting hope made its way to my tired mind. I took a peek at the door and let out a breath of relief. Firstly, I struggled to get my hands out of the ropes but it was too tightly tied.

Giving up on it, I desperately made an effort to glide on the floor to reach for the phone as it was still quite far away. Once I reached it, I attempted to open it with my chin when abruptly someone asserted from behind.

"Need some help with it?" Vincent jested as I turned to him, only to get hit by a metal pole.

~End of Flashback ~

I felt like someone just threw a bucket of cold water on me as I promptly woke up, breathing heavily, and my heart beating rapidly. Placing my hand on my chest, I focused on breathing. My body was trickling in sweat. Once my breathing got stable, I rested my head against the headboard when soft snores beside me caught my attention.

A smile resided on my lips as I stared at Orson's innocuous face, slumbering without a crease of worry. His lips were a bit pouted as he snuggled his face against the pillow and his brown locks scattered on his forehead.

I gently ran my fingers through his tangled hair, removing them from his face before caressing his cheeks with my knuckles. I could have still felt the warmth in my chest as I reminisced the kiss we shared tonight. After our little confession, we had gotten inside the hotel. He was afraid to keep me alone and I was terrified of the nightmares I would have had tonight. That's why we decided to sleep together in his suite.

No, we didn't have sex. Just were tangled in one another's arms under the sheets, and conversed about the times and moments we missed out on each other's lives in the past 10 years while comforting our longing souls with some dainty kisses.

But it was a shame that they weren't still enough to deter my nightmares, to make me forget about those hideous moments. I quickly wiped my tears as Orson stirred in his sleep, his forehead wrinkled for a moment as if he could have sensed the somber of my heart. Sighing, I stealthily started to get up. I had forgotten to take my medication today and I was sensing it affecting me. So I needed to go to my room.

Placing a soft kiss on his forehead, I tiptoed to the door before glancing at his solace-filled face for one last time. As selfish as it might sound, sometimes I wished I had never met Orson. Loving someone, even after you know you didn't deserve them, that you were only capable of damaging them, would only ravage you, remind you of how lethal you were, and the guilt would drain you out completely.

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Twisting the key inside of the door lock, I opened it and got inside my suite, closing the door on my way. Ambling to my luggage, I bent down and took out my pills. Popping one in my mouth, I instantly welcomed it with the familiar bitter taste. I swallowed it without water, making me choke slightly but didn't bother to care.

I dropped to the bed, laying with my arms and legs sprawled. I could have felt the medication doing its job as numbness took over my mind. I vacantly stared at nothing in particular and then at the clock, it was 3 in the morning, the golden hours for woeful hearts. After being vulnerable for so long, numbness felt unusual to me suddenly. It was funny how once my only means of survival was feeling like a nemesis now.

As I tossed and turned to shake off the oddness that I was sensing in my chest, I felt something crunching inside my pocket. Frowning, I checked it, finding the letter that I found there. Sighing, I sat up and opened the letter. Scanning through it, I immediately recognized whose writing was it and my hand clenched around the letter, tearing its edge slightly. It was her's handwriting.

Calming myself, I took a deep breath before starting to read it.

"Dear Aureolin,

You must be shocked as to why I called you by your middle name. It's because I hated the name, Lilith. It reminded me of your father who was nothing but callous and vitriolic. I know you think I was crazy and couldn't comprehend his malicious ways. But the tragic reality was that I was fully aware of the monster in him and even in mine as well, that I wasn't any better than him, if not worse.

You know, I had a memorable childhood. Being the only child, I was the apple of my parents' eyes. That was until they got divorced due to my father's extramarital affair. I was only 10 when I saw my once happy family shattering. On the day, when my mom got custody of me, my dad pulled me in his embraced and whispered into my ears like the devil about how all this was mom's fault, how she was cruel for not forgiving him for just one mistake. That was the last time I ever saw him.

Naively enough, I believed him and despised my mom throughout my whole life. The dream of having a perfect family of my own was my only way of survival. I was so driven by it that I dismissed each curse your father threw at my way and gracefully accepted all his punches, adored my black eye, and my scars, thinking that love didn't have to be perfect as long as the family was together.

But that day when I saw you wired with different tubes, laying on the hospital's bed lifelessly while your father and his brother bribed the doctors to never let a word out about it, I realized how I fucked up both of our lives just to achieve my dream of a perfect family.

I know I am not a saint, hell I was the sinner behind the state you were in all this life. But trust me, I didn't know about the atrocious plans your father had for you on the prom night.

But don't worry, I will try to get you justice by murdering all the culprits who destroyed your life, including myself. This is the least I could do after all the deeds I did.

I don't know when you will read it but just know that even though I don't deserve to be called your mom, I am still proud to have a strong daughter like you, I just wish I could have taken back all the things that I did.

-Your felon"

A few tears of mine drenched the letter, fading some of the letters. I wiped them and got up, before sauntering to the dustbin as I tore the letter into pieces and threw them there. I stared at my reflection as I stood in front of the mirror and slowly took off my clothes until I was fully unclad.

I twirled slightly, several scars were residing on my back, barely noticeable but if looked closer, their hideous self was perceivable. I tugged my hair back from my forehead as I leaned closer to the mirror, a visible scar was still there. I pulled back and delicately ran my fingers all over the marks I had in front.

Suddenly, my laughter roared in the room as I discerned my disheveled self. How scarred was I? Shaking my head with a smile of amusement and I took out my phone. Stand by Me by Ben E. King started playing across the room and I walked into the bathroom while whistling to its tune as I opened the tap to fill the tub.

"No I won't, be afraid
No, I won't, be afraid
Just as long, as you stand, stand by me" I hummed to its lyrics and slowly glided inside the tub. A shiver ran down my body as it contacted with cold water but gradually I got used to it and I leaned back, resting my head against its edge.

"So darlin', darlin' stand, by me
Oh-oh stand by me
Oh, stand, stand by me, stand by me" I sang out softly as I had shut my eyes and started to imagine my life as Aureolin.

A little girl who grew up in a joyous family with adoring parents and a playful brother. She was all gleaming and cheery, not a trace of distress seen in her utterance, just like the shade she was named after.

Then she met the love of her life. They were like yin and yang, fitted one another impeccably. They made innumerable memories together, from movie nights, star gazing, and laughable banter to dancing on prom night while beholding each other with sacred adoration.

Fast forward to ten years, they were married and lived together in a small apartment in New York City. They fought, they cried, they cursed one another but throughout all this, they were still inseparable, keeping their vows imperishable.

Suddenly I felt water entering my nostrils, making me unable to breathe. I was gasping for air and opened my eyes frantically. I realized I had unknowingly put my head underwater. I rapidly sat up and panted for air.

Calming down, a dejected smile dwelled on my lips. I wasn't allowed to even think of a tranquil life, was I? But the startling thing was that when I was suffocating under the water, I finally felt at peace.

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As I sauntered toward Clavicus's room, those unsettling thoughts in the back of my mind were hindering me. I didn't even know why I was going to him. But I tried to evade them as I knocked on his door. Wiping my sweaty hands against my pants as I waited for him.

After a few minutes, a drowsy Clavicus opened the door. He gazed at me in perplexity as he let out a yawn.

"Lilith, why are you waking me up at 5 in the morning?" His voice was slightly hoarse as he inquired. I rolled my eyes, walking past him inside his room.

"Aren't workaholic bitches supposed to do the 'early to bed, early to rise' shit?" I retorted and he just sighed, the corners of his lips tugging up faintly. I made myself comfortable on one of the couches, keeping my legs over the armrest.

"Sarcasm and you are inseparable lovers, aren't you?" He joshed and I shrugged with a smirk. Shaking his head, he excused himself to go to the washroom for freshening up.

As I was yet again engulfed with vacancy, my mind went back to my earlier instinct. No matter what I did to stop them, I couldn't. It was like a drug, a calamitous addiction that leads to nowhere but to a lethal horizon yet its journey is euphoric, hushing all your tragedies with a delusion of ecstasy.

I was brought back from my trail of thoughts with the sound of the door opening. Clavicus came out, wiping his face with a towel. Now that I noticed, he had grown a stubble, and dark circles clung under his tired eyes as always.

Nevertheless, he still didn't look any less than a Greek God. No wonder why the girls from the office asserted that they had gotten butterflies in their stomachs each time they glanced at him. Yet only one guy made my heart warm each time I saw him smile.

"So now may I know why you decided to grace me with your presence early in the morning?" Clavicus catechized, dropping beside me on the couch. I pondered on his query, why was I here? Even I didn't know the reason, or maybe I wasn't brave enough to acknowledge it.

"Clavicus, a few months ago, if someone had told you that you would have finally made a truce with my existence and even fly across the country just to comfort me through my best friend's funeral, would you have believed them?" I snickered, deflecting his question. He rolled his eyes, a throaty chuckle escaping from him.

"Never in a billion years, I had anticipated that I would have paused my workaholic self for anyone, let alone for you." He derided and paused as his lips twisted in a fragile smile, "But I am glad I did." He continued with integrity dripping through his words.

"Thanks for being here with me. Knowing how you don't do well with funerals yet you stayed, it meant a lot to me." I breathed, returning his smile.

"But why are you being so mushy today? You need to stop hanging out with Orson so much, he is rubbing off his softie vibes on you." He nudged me, a teasing smirk plastered on his face while I friskily scowled at him. Yet I could have discerned his tender gaze.

"I should have known better than to be nice with you." Rolling my eyes, I scoffed at him to which he just passed me an innocent shrug.

A comfortable silence settled between us. Like always, my mind was tangled in the havoc of those hidden fiends inside my chest. Clavicus, on the other hand, seemed contented as he stared outside through the window, the vague rays of the sun reflecting in his eyes. For a moment, I didn't wish to be numb, instead, I yearned to have the tranquil that his face flaunted presently.

"How did you fight off those thoughts?" I didn't realize that I uttered it out loud until I perceived the crease of confusion on his forehead.

"What are you talking about?" He turned his full attention to me and sat straight. Qualm began to clench my chest as I tried to put earlier notions into words.

"Your suicidal thoughts, how did you put them to deaf ears? How did you stop your knife from slashing your wrist each time when you knew peace was just one cut away? That one menacing stab would be all it had taken before those whispering would stop, those whispers needled by the devil into your ears, prompting you of how blemished and irreparable you are." I could have felt my voice crack by the end as I finally freed my thoughts, but I concealed it with a cough, averting his piercing gaze.

He stayed quiet, his gaze hefty on me while trying to decipher the meaning behind my words. Letting out a deep breath, he glanced down and stared at a subtle scar on his wrist, as if he was reliving that pain all over again.

Guilt consumed me as I ruined his trance of serene. Sometimes I felt like a rose, no matter how much a person loved me, I was meant to prick them with the demons in my head, as a rose did with its thorns, making those same fingers bled who wanted nothing but to soothe it.

"I was never able to put them to deaf ears, if I was, then we wouldn't be here right now." He professed, his eyes swirling with the memories of that night on the terrace.

"I just always tried to give myself the benefit of doubt, seeing if I had gotten stronger than the last time. And once you learn that peace isn't a cut away, rather peace is being content with yourself, then those whispers gradually become vague and those scars become a tattoo of your bravery in surviving." His face shone with pride as he worded out his thoughts, just like a soldier reminiscing about the time he fought a war yet withstood.

But his words still didn't budge my inner turmoil, a quest to find tranquility for myself. Staring out at the window, I rested my cheek against the armrest as I curled up on the couch with Clavicus on the other end.

"Take care of Orson, no matter what. His heart is too innocuous for this brutal world. Promise me you will protect him and be there for him always." Murmuring, I held out my pinky finger to him, he was taken aback for a moment, tumult evident on his face. I knew I was coming out as very weird to him today but I didn't care, all I wanted was to ensure Orson's happiness.

"Why are saying all this suddenly? Are you okay, Lilith?" Concern blemished his face as he started to question me. Sitting straight, I let out a forced chuckle. I was tempted to confide in him, beginning from my past to my current barbaric thoughts but I had to bite my tongue back because I didn't have the courage to do so.

"I had a nightmare last night, so it got me all mushy today. Just promise already." Well, I wasn't lying exactly, so nothing to be guilty about. He seemed to believe in my lies as he cackled along with me before joining my pinky finger.

"I promise I will not leave his ass, no matter what, after all, he's my daddy." He winked, laughing out loud and I cringed, remembering the time they got drunk and conversed with each other with an interesting choice of words.

So much had happened since then. If only I hadn't come to this ominous wedding, maybe I would have been still residing elatedly in my nonchalant world. Sometimes ignorance was truly bliss.

"But we will be flying back to New York tomorrow, right?" Calvicus inquired and I could have felt my breath hitched. The truth was, even I couldn't ensure myself if I would have been going home. Standing up, I glanced at him with a mellow gaze.

"I will always be at home wherever I go, for home is made by your people, not by a couple of bricks, remember that okay?" I consoled and he nodded hesitantly, I could have sensed him knowing something wasn't right but that's the thing with him, he would never pry too much and that's what I adored about him.

Offering him a smile, I sauntered towards the door, all this time I still could have felt his gaze on me. Opening the door, I turned back at him, my eyes were battling to hold back the tears.

"Clavicus? I am fucking proud of the man you have become. I mean it from the bottom of my heart." Sincerity was flowing through my words while a smile dwelled on both of our lips.

With grief clenching my chest, I got out of the room and closed the door with a loud thud. Pressing my palm against my mouth, I muffled a sob. Each time my heart clamped in agony, I knew my conclusion was right.

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I mindlessly drove on the road with the window opened, the tepid breeze caressing my tangled hair. Strangely, I was feeling giddy, as if I was going home after being in prison for years. Stationing in front of the beach, I plugged in my earbuds and clicked on my favorite song, Photograph. My lips instantly curled up in a smile as Ed Sheeran's melodic voice flowed into my ears.

Keeping my phone on the passenger's seat, over the letter, I got outside of the car while humming to the lyrics. Fortunately, the beach was empty as it was still early in the morning.

"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive" Tears welled up in my eyes, not in sadness, but rather in merriment as I ambled to the water, the salty fragrance of the beach hitting my nostrils.

"We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time's forever frozen, still" I remember Orson's dainty glances at me whenever he would have sung it. I didn't realize how far I had come till my feets made contact with the frigid water.

"So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home." How ironic was it that the lyrics were saying about coming home while I was leaving mine, for my home was Him.

Soon the water reached my throat as I was in the middle of the sea. For some eccentric reason, the tightening sensation in my chest was fading with each step I took to get deeper inside the water.

"Oh, you can fit me
Inside the necklace, you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul" The saccharine taste of suffocation indulged me, The water slowly began to penetrate my mouth and nostril but surprisingly, I didn't gasp for oxygen out of instinct, as if my body that already given up to the blessing of eternal silence.

"And if you hurt me
Well, that's okay, baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages, you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go" They say when you are about to die, all the memories of your life flashes before your eyes, but choosing death by myself gave me the privilege to speculate on the only one memory, the sole boon of my dreary life, Orson.

"When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sixth street
Hearing you whisper through the phone
Wait for me to come home" As I felt the water delicately settling me to sleep with its euphonious lullaby, my body eventually lost the battle to withstand. Caliginous yet soothing darkness engulfed me as my eyes shut for the sleep of solace, an everlasting slumber.

Clavicus fabricated when he said that that peace wasn't a cut away, for my callous psyche was finally at tranquil.

THE END

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