CW: Mild sexual themes discussed

I heard Alex sigh and I glanced up to see him lean back in his chair and run a hand through his hair. I hadn't been able to see him for two days after the attack, not even at meals. He had been working, but I couldn't guess what kind of planning and documentation needed to be completed after a rebel attack, I just knew there was a lot of it.

We now had guards posted at every room, so there was no sneaking out at 2 am to go see each other. Anywhere I went, at least one guard followed, and right now every exit was covered by two guards each now that the prince had arrived at the library. I had been waiting for him here, having sent a note, but I was almost convinced he wasn't going to come until a series of guards burst into the room and did a full sweep of the area.

There was nothing inherently wrong with us meeting; everyone already knew we saw each other often, but I was nervous that guards would start talking if they saw us doing anything. We hadn't touched at all, let alone kissed. The rational part of my brain knew we shouldn't be physically involved with each other, but my body ached for him. Even just sitting next to him, I wanted to pull him into my arms.

Half an hour ago, an officer came to give Alex a note, and I didn't want to press him, but whatever was on it was very upsetting. I took his pause in work to ask him.

"You alright?" I asked lightly, looking him up and down.

He rubbed his eyes with his hands. "Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, sniffing hard and shaking his head to wake himself up, "We just had another supply line sabotaged on the way to the front in New Asia. I don't know where we're going to get the resources to replace all of it."

"No one in Europe can help?" I offered.

He looked down at his papers, shuffling them. "Maybe, if I could get Chris to talk to Princess Adalene. . ." he muttered, looking back at the door.

"The French princess? What would Prince Christoph do?" I asked, propping my head up on my hands. It was late, but I wanted every moment with Alexandre.

He looked around for a minute, eyeing the guards. "He kind of has a. . . thing for her," he whispered, "or. . . more like a thing with her."

"Right," I nodded, "I remember that."

"Yeah, only Ross, Princess Adelicia, and I know," he continued quietly, "if it got out that they. . . It's not a good look when he is supposed to choose a wife from the Selected."

My heart broke for him, I had no idea. "And you can't. . . make an exception?" I asked, "You could ally?"

He shook his head. "It's not that easy. No prince has ever married outside of Illea," he explained, looking around again to make sure we weren't being ease dropped on, "That goes against everything the Selection stands for."

I sat up, looking around arbitrarily. "Forbidden love," I sighed, "how tragically romantic." My eyes slid over to look at Alex, biting my lip to keep from smiling too hard.

He smirked at me, and I could see the blush dusting his cheeks. He looked up towards the second-floor balcony and then stood suddenly to walk over to me. "Let's go somewhere where we can have a modicum of privacy," he whispered next to my ear, leaning over and placing his hands on my shoulders.

I wordless got up, my stomach dipping as he offered me a hand. Every guard snapped to full attention, but when two approached us Alex raised a hand to them. "We're just going to upstairs," he assured, looking down to lock eyes for a moment.

"Your majesty. . ." the one on the left started.

"You'll stay at the bottom of the stairs," he replied more authoritatively. I couldn't help but bite my lip again, enjoying the confidence that permeated him like an aura. I could definitely see a difference in him; even with all the new stress, his shoulders didn't droop as much and the circles under his eyes weren't as dark.

"You look like you've been getting more sleep," I commented as we started up the stairs. My heart skipped a beat when he wrapped his arm around my waist.

"On the contrary," he said quietly in my ear, his breath on my neck, "I haven't been able to sleep the past few days. I can't stop thinking about you. . . but what sleep I do get is more restful."

I felt bumps raising on my skin as his words sent electricity through my body. I knew what he meant. I spent hours recounting our exchange in the bunker; the feeling of his hands and lips on me lingering. "Well, you don't have any girls to go meet at midnight anymore," I commented as he stopped in front of a bench inset into the window. Snow fluttered outside the window; the ground still too warm for it to stick.

"Only until I figure out a way to ditch the guards," he muttered, sitting down close to me, our knees touching. His hand never left my waist, and his other lightly stroked down my arm to take mine. Already I could feel my breath getting caught in my throat. Even if we had to be reserved in front of guards, there was no fear or regret behind his touch, and it made me feel drunk.

"We should probably talk about that," I whispered, leaning farther into him, "and we need to talk about. . . the northerners." The thoughts slipped my mind as Alex's lips brushed over mine.

"Just act natural, alright?" he said, leaning his forehead against mine, "make it look like we just wanted privacy to. . ."

I placed a hand on his chest. "And if they talk?" I asked quietly, looking over the balcony at the only two guards who could see us from across the library.

"They're guards Atlas," he assured, grabbing my hand and holding it against him, "they're not ones to gossip."

"Yeah, but. . ." my words trailed off as he leaned in to kiss me. My stomach dipped, and it took all I had not to jump him right here in the library. I could feel the reservation as he kissed me, and I wondered if he was doing that because of the guards or because he could tell how eager I was.

I opened my eyes just as he said, "The final elimination is tomorrow morning."

I pulled back. "What?" I demanded, "What do you mean?"

"It's time we moved this along," he muttered quietly, dropping his gaze down to where our hands were clasped together, "Tomorrow we will only have six Elites left. As soon as the Selection ends, we think the nation will calm down."

"You really think so?" I parroted, "With all the unrest. . . I've caused?" I felt myself redden in embarrassment and guilt.

He leaned forward again, and I placed a hand on the back of his neck, the softness of his lips making me sigh against them. Even with all the stress surrounding us, all he had to do was kiss me to make it all drop away. God, I would miss him.

"It's not your fault Atlas. . . Anyway, what's your opinion?" he asked, his breath low as he kept his face an inch from mine, "Having three new princesses, all of them selected from non-royalty? The people might feel more. . . represented. . ."

I could hear his voice weakening, less confident saying the words out loud. "Chosen from Twos or Threes?" I asked, brushing my lips across his again.

"They don't have to be."

I turned away from him, looking out the window. "Don't do that," I mumbled.

"What?"

"Don't get my hopes up," I whispered, my chest tightening, "I don't want to entertain the idea."

"Why shouldn't we?" he asked, leaning further in to kiss me under my jaw.

"Alex," I reproached, pulling farther away from him, "We've talked about this a million times. It's not possible, especially with. . . what happened during the attack."

The southerners stealing all the jewelry, after what happened at the Convicting, had called my loyalties into question. There was only so much nuance Gavril could add to the post-attack Capital Report, and the magazines and papers still continued to speculate. The king hadn't spoken to me, but I was afraid Alex may be holding back their conversation to spare me the guilt.

Whatever lingering hope I had in becoming queen was dashed when I heard about the book and the jewelry. I was starting to prepare myself for the inevitable, reminding myself that I would have to leave Alex soon, and he wasn't helping as he continued to push the subject.

He placed a hand on my cheek and gently turned me to face him. "You're not in any danger because of it," he told me, his lids low, "Your involvement is based on assumptions, ones that are unfounded. It doesn't lower your chances of being queen."

"My chances are zero, Alex," I stressed, feeling my stomach churn uncomfortably.

"We could have the rebellion help us. I've read their plan," he replied softly, running his thumb up and down mine. Gavril had discretely delivered them to us without Alex finding out, and the prince had been obsessing over them.

"We're not letting them replace every member of your council," I snapped, slouching down when I realized I had raised my voice above a whisper. I glanced over at the guards, but they didn't seem to react.

"But you're still going through with the tea party plan?" he asked, threading his hands under my arms to snake around my waist, "Have you thought about what you'll give them in return for dealing with the Southerners?" He wasn't trying to be aggressive, but it still made my anxiety spike and I felt defensive.

"I. . . don't know," I said stiltedly, trying to concentrate as Alex ran his hand up my back, "I'll figure that out during our meeting with my mother and the princess."

"The people will rally behind you," he mumbled into my shoulder.

"The poor will rally behind me," I corrected, "Alex, I don't want to talk about it." He didn't know about the book yet; he didn't know how dangerous I was right now. If I'm chosen as queen and then that book comes out, I'll be run out of the country and Alex's alliances will be questioned. The crown shouldn't be taking sides in these rebellions, at least not publicly.

"You can't keep avoiding it," he whispered.

I dropped my head into my hands, turning away from him.

He wrapped his hands around my wrists. "Okay, okay," he assured, turning my face back to him with a gentle touch of my cheek, "Please don't be upset. We'll talk about it again before the tea party. We can change the subject."

"To what?" I prompted, letting him wrap his hands around my waist again as I placed my hands on his arms.

"Will you go on a date with me?" he asked suddenly, his mouth twitching up in a grin. I could feel how eager he was to say it, and I guessed that his primary objective up here wasn't talking about the rebellion.

"Absolutely not," I replied, making his face fall, "The last thing we need is for someone to find out we're. . ."

"What?"

"Interested in each other," I finished lamely.

"I am so much more than interested in you Atlas," he said with a breathy laugh, but then grew more serious. He leaned forward, gently going in to kiss me under my jaw and run his free hand up my collarbone to hold my neck to him. "I want you desperately," he breathed, his voice low and gravelly.

I felt my stomach flip. "Wha- what do you. . ." I stammered, the words dying in my throat. I wasn't sure Alex consciously knew what effect he was having, but I felt my resolve slipping at the soft graze of his teeth against the pulse point in my neck. It sent a shock through the bundle of nerves, making my body tense as the scratch of his beard only added to the intoxicating feeling of his lips on the sensitive skin.

"I want to take you out," he whispered, changing direction to slowly kiss up toward my ear. I could hear and feel the heaviness of his breath as he added, "And I want you to spend the night with me. . ."

That woke me up. "Are you asking to have sex with me?" I questioned bluntly, pulling away to look him in the eye. Knowing he was inexperienced, I wanted to make sure both of our intentions were clear when it came to intimacy. He blushed, and I remembered how nervous he would become whenever it was casually spoken about like that.

He bit his bottom lip and glanced out the window, pausing for a moment. "Among other things," he muttered, looking dejected and embarrassed.

I was ready to sprint to his room now, but then I remembered that it wouldn't just be a casual hook up for him. He would be losing his virginity to me, a rite of passage probably much more important to a prince than to a homeless cage fighter. Sleeping with Alex, whether physically good or bad, would never leave me, and it would probably carry even more weight for him. I was leaving in a month, maybe less, and he would be moving on with the rest of his life.

"It's illegal to have sex before marriage," I pointed out weakly, searching for an excuse.

"Is that really what's stopping you?" he questioned, not breaking eye contact with me.

"No," I admitted, "I just think. . . I mean, shouldn't you do it properly? With your new wife after you're. . ."

He noticed me trail off. "I want it to be with you," he insisted passionately as he squeezed my hand, "I want everything I can get with you. If I'm going to have to spend a lifetime with someone else, I at least want to have these memories of you."

He didn't see how toxic of a mindset that was, and it made my heart ache. I could afford a lifetime of heartbreak, pining over memoires of Alexandre and torturing myself with them, but I wasn't going to be inheriting a country that would need my complete dedication.

"It's only going to make saying goodbye that much harder," I tried.

"We're already there, Atlas, it's already going to shatter me. . ." he told me, shaking his head, ". . . At least think about it?"

The statement caught me off guard. "Me? Think about it?" I scoffed, furrowing my eyebrows.

"I don't want to pressure you," he admitted softly, his expression filled with confusion. He wasn't even considering what I was thinking, and I hated having to be the voice of reason when I could barely control myself around him right now.

"Alex," I chuckled, unable to catch my laugh before it bubbled out of my mouth, "I would have sex with you right here in the library if I thought we could get away with it."

Although he probably felt rejected, he couldn't help but look pleased with himself. "Yeah?" he grinned, cocking an eyebrow at me, "So, what's the problem?"

"I want you to think about it," I told him more seriously, wanting to play along with his cheekiness but recognizing how unhelpful it would be, "Do you really want your first time to be with an eight-"

"Atlas."

". . .with an eight, instead of your wife?" I finished, not letting him interrupt me, "Who you're going to be with for the rest of your life?"

"I love you, Atlas," was all he could appeal in reply, his face dropping. I hated seeing that sad, disappointed look on his face, and I tried to soften the casual rejection

"I love you too, Alex. But-" The words caught in my throat as I searched for another excuse. I thought back to my first time before I could capture those memories and lock them away somewhere deep inside of me. It was with Sjin, and we had been fooling around before that and it seemed like the logical progression but remembering now how felt triggered my fight or flight response.

I felt a darkness closing in on me and my throat closed up, making it hard to breath. I didn't believe the other men, even the friends I had short flings with, actually loved me, but up until point I thought at least Sjin was sleeping with me in part because of his care for me. However, the more I thought about our entire relationship, the less I was convinced.

Maybe Sjin did love me in his own messed up way, but as so many memories of us together physically flashed through my mind, I only felt used and dirty.

"I wasn't ready," I mumbled quietly, my eyes unfocused as they stared down at the wood floor, "I didn't get a choice, not really."

My first time wasn't filled with love and care like I knew it should have been, and I realized I didn't want Alex to have to go through anything like that. I bet his first time, regardless of which girl it would be with, won't be so tragic, but there was no promise it would be done out of love instead of duty.

I looked up, trying to clear my head. Staring into his worried, sweet blue eyes, I knew I loved Alex, more than I could quantify. It would partly be selfish, knowing I would never be loved by anyone else like this, but it would also mean I could give him the love he deserved. I could show him what it meant to be loved, even if it were for a short time.

"Atlas?" he asked gently, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Please, I'm asking you to think about it," I told him, straightening and shaking myself, "Really think about it, at least until after the tea party, okay?" It would give me time to think about it as well, but I knew I wouldn't deny him at that point.

"How did you. . ." he started, but then saw how my mood had changed and decided against finishing the question, "Okay, I'll think about it."

I fixed him with a look, scrutinizing him. I wanted him to think about it clearly and consider what it would mean for his future.

"I swear," Alex reiterated, holding his hands up, "I understand what you're saying."

"Thank you," I said earnestly, sliding over to close the distance between us, our hips touching. He threw an arm around me, tilting his head down to lean against mine and taking a deep breath. We sat there for a moment, taking in the silence of the library and the calm that came with it. I had to actively keep away the anxious thoughts about the Selection, rebellions, and upcoming tea party, trying to enjoy the moment.

"Who is it?" I asked quietly.

He pulled his head away, turning to furrow his eyebrows at me. "What do you mean?" he asked with a small shake of his head, but then seemed to understand. "Oh, um it's Va - I'm sending Albany home," he continued, stopping himself before he said her name.

Valeera. That would change things. It would change negotiations with the Northerners now that we're putting one of them on the throne. It would change everything.

Although I wasn't sure what she wanted from this, I knew Albany's motives were disingenuous; she just wanted the fame. Valeera was a rebel, but she seemed like a nice person, so I would want to risk her intentions over Albany's vanity. She was risking a lot to be here as a rebel, knowing it could end with her getting caught and executed, so she must have respectable motives.

"How do you feel about that?" I asked quietly, watching Alex shift uncomfortably in his seat.

"It hasn't really. . ." the prince swallowed hard, "sunk in yet."

I could see the anguish behind his eyes, and I was suddenly regretting bringing it up when he had all this other stress to deal with. "It's going to be okay," I assured him, letting go of his hand to wrap my arm around his lower back and hugging him.

"How do you feel?" he asked, stroking the side of my arm with his thumb where he was holding me.

"Me?" I asked, caught off guard, "That doesn't matter." More importantly, I didn't know how react to it. We knew it would come to this but hearing it so soon after we proclaimed our love for each other felt jarring.

"I want to know," he insisted, turning his gaze to look me in the eye. He looked worried, like he really did care about what I thought when it was his life we were talking about.

"I think the northerners will like her a lot," I said, treading carefully. I didn't want to out her as a rebel, at least not until she told him, or the two of us discussed her plans. "I think it will be good for the nation. . . and for you," I added. Valeera would be a good leader and take some of the stress off of Alex, even if she weren't romantically interested in him.

Our earlier conversation popped back in my head. He deserved to be loved, not just given someone to rule by his side, and it made me indescribably sad. This might have been the best option, but it wasn't ideal for Alex's happiness.

The prince took my free hand in his, staring down at our interlocked fingers. "I don't know if it will. She's nice, I do like her a lot, but she's. . ." he admitted, taking a deep breath and then raising his head, "not you. And it makes me feel dishonest. Like I'm cheating."

"Tell her then," I suggested, "It's time you start being honest with her."

"There will be time for that later," he muttered, looking away for only a moment before adding, "I finally have you Atlas, I'm not going to let you go yet."

"Alex," I started to reprimand, not wanting him to push off this conversation until it was too late to mentally prepare for the consequences.

"I'll learn to love her," he insisted, squeezing my hand, "It's the best I can do, Atlas."

I suddenly felt like crying. I didn't like imagining Alex falling in love with someone else, and the discomfort that settled in my body made me jump up. "You should get some rest," I blurted. It wasn't a lie; it was getting late.

I felt his hand on my wrist as he pulled me into his lap. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders to stable myself, I turned my head so that our faces were only inches apart. "In a minute," he whispered, gaze flitting from my lips up to my eyes to gauge my reaction.

I gave in, feeling him smile against my mouth as I kissed him. 

A/N I think there was some confusion in this chapter. I didn't mean the final elimination like the selection was ending, I meant the elimination to narrow it down to the final six girls. Sorry!