Pained gasps fill my lungs.

Anguished wails fall with each exhale. 

I spiral, spiral, and spiral until Cruz's arms encase me, wrapping around like a lifeline to save me from myself. His scent. His warmth. His love. All of it soothes the chaos within. My breaths begin to calm. 

When the worst of my meltdown, at last, subsides, he prompts in a quiet voice, "Athena?"

He looks beyond anxious. I know I owe him an explanation. I'm still struggling to find the right words, though. I let out a weak sniffle. Glancing back at Cruz, I try my best to answer him, "I..."

I pause to take in a deep, shuddering breath and slowly push it out of my lungs.

"Take your time. It's okay."

A speck of sanity returns when I continue, "I think shit just got to me. All of sudden. All at once."

Confusion wrinkles his brow. "What are you talking about, exactly? Did I do something... wrong?"

"No, no, not at all!" I assure him, "You were amazing."

Cruz gives me an uncertain smile. "Only... amazing?"

I grin and nod. "More than amazing! Twenty out of ten!"

He coughs. "But?"

My grin falters slightly. "But... I guess it felt wrong."

"Wrong?"

"To feel so happy. With you. Especially when everything else is falling to pieces. I don't even know where we're gonna live."

"So... you started crying because you're stressed?"

"Kinda, yeah." I challenge, "Aren't you worried about what might happen to us?"

"Of course," he confirms without hesitation, "but I'm gonna make sure that nothing can fuck with our future together."

I can't help but grimace. "How, though?" 

Cruz gives me a mysterious smile. "You'll see."

"You got a plan or something?"

"Maybe."

When I press him to tell me more, he refuses. "Let's just go with the flow for now."

"So... you don't have a plan?"

"That's not what I said."

"Cruz!"

"Just trust me, baby. Please."

"What the hell! I don't like being left in the dark."

"I'll tell you when I'm ready. I promise."

My face falls, but, no matter how hard I try to get a word out of him, he stands firm. I'm left to obsess over what Cruz is hiding up his sleeve.

We stay in bed for a while longer, brooding in silence, with my cheek on Cruz's chest and his arms around my waist. I can hear every beat of his heart. Feel the rise and fall of his breaths. This peace feels a bit strained, though, because none of our problems have been resolved. Tension buzzes inside me. It makes me want to get my ass in gear, to do something, so I can stop moping around and feeling depressed.

I clear my throat and turn to Cruz. "By the way, I've been meaning to tell you something."

"Okay..."

"But I got distracted when shit hit the fan this morning..."

"Uh-huh..."

"After, you know, everything that went down with your dad and my dad..."

Cruz's body stiffens with frustration, "Athena, please, just tell me!"

I cough. "Um, well, Suzie actually emailed me back."

His eyes grow wide. "Oh, shit. That's... good. Right?"

"I think so?"

"What did she say?"

I confess, "I haven't had a chance to look at what she wrote yet."

Cruz suggests, "Wanna check the email... now?"

I gulp. "I guess so."

I whip out my phone and tap the screen until Suzie's email pops up. Cruz and I read it together.

***

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Brody Carlisle

I think I know who you might be, but I could be wrong. You better not be some psycho. I don't even know why I'm talking to you. I've only told one other person about what happened with Brody. But that bitch didn't believe me. 

She actually called me a liar.

Fun fact: I don't have receipts to back up my story. I could be lying out of my ass for all you know. My memory's a bit fuzzy as well. Everything happened so fast that night. I was drunk. Brody says he didn't do anything wrong. He says I enjoyed it. That I wanted it more than him. It's always been my word against Brody's word. Sometimes, I wonder if I imagined half of the shit that happened with him. 

Maybe everyone else was right. 

Maybe I was asking for it.

Maybe I'm just a thirsty nobody who was lucky to fuck a god like Brody Carlisle.

What do you think?

Anyway, I've learned my lesson. Now, I tell people what they want to hear. Even my family. I've noticed that people really hate being pushed out of their comfort zones. They see what they want to see. They hear what they want to hear. Sometimes, I think the whole world wants me to shut up and forget anything bad ever happened. No one wants to deal with my shit. I can't blame them. I don't even want to deal with my shit.

Let me be clear. I don't trust you. But I guess I sympathize with you. You're probably right. Five years from now, Brody Carlisle will be living his best life while you and I will still be all fucked up.

I'm curious to know, though.

What are you planning to do next?

***

When Cruz and I are done looking over Suzie's email, he mutters under his breath, "Damn."

I say nothing. Distress weighs on my brow. Suzie's email is so heartbreaking and troubling at the same damn time. I can hear her despair. I feel her hopelessness. It almost sounds like she doesn't want me to believe her. Like she doesn't even believe in herself anymore. It triggers deep and dark in me. 

Because I see myself in her.

If Brody had managed to spend ten more minutes with me in that fucking bedroom, I would be just like Suzie.

Before I even realize it, both thumbs are already swiping across the keyboard. This time, I don't have trouble finding the words. I know exactly what I want to say. 

Cruz hovers over my shoulder the entire time, eyeing the draft of my email with extreme focus. I give him an apprehensive look. "Is this a terrible idea?"

"It's not a terrible idea. I actually think we should take it a step further and press charges," Cruz responds with a concerned frown, "but I'll be honest with you. The timing sucks. It's gonna be a lot to take on with everything else that's going on. Are you sure you're up to the challenge?"

"Who knows," I mumble. "Guess we'll find out."

Cruz winces. "Athena, listen, we gotta be smart—"

I hit the Send button before he can change my mind.

***

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Brody Carlisle

I get where you're coming from. 

I've been so fucking scared. Of Brody. Of everyone at school judging me. Dismissing me. Just like your friend did to you. 

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

But I don't know if I'll press charges. I don't have the money or the time to go to court. But I have receipts. I completed a rape kit that documents the night I was roofied at the party. I also have screenshots of some threatening DM's that Brody sent me. Maybe I can even get a hold of the pics and vids he took of me while I was unconscious.

It's all evidence, right?

You asked me what I want to do next. I don't have a plan or anything. All I know is that I don't want Brody to keep doing this to other girls.

Maybe I'll leak his shit online.

Maybe I won't.

What do you think I should do?

***

For the rest of the evening, I'm a jumble of nerves, constantly checking my inbox for new messages. Suzie leaves me hanging. By bedtime, the girl still hasn't replied to me.

Did I scare her off?

Was my idea too aggressive?

Close to 11 pm, Cruz and I climb into bed. We're dead tired. Too much has happened today. I snuggle up to him under the covers. His arm slides around me. He feels tense. I can tell he's pretty stressed. I'm stressed, too. We shuffle around in the dark. I toss. He turns. It takes us a while to fall asleep.

The next morning, I wake up next to Cruz, no longer feeling drained or exhausted, but I don't really feel well-rested, either. I check my phone. Still nothing from Suzie.

Cruz and I stop by for some coffee and donuts on the way to my great aunt's house. The café is located in downtown Flagstaff. It feels quaint. Despite my nervousness about meeting Nascha for the first time, I'm charmed by Flagstaff. Forests surround us. Snow-topped mountains line the horizon. There's not a single cactus in sight. As Cruz and I stroll down the sidewalk, my eyes drink in our surroundings. The style of the Victorian houses and red brick buildings appear oddly similar to the New Jersey suburbs. There's definitely more of an east coast vibe up here than in Scottsdale. It even reminds me a little of the area where I grew up with Persie when our mom was still alive.

After breakfast, Cruz and I drive to a cute, little neighborhood near Northern Arizona University. We pull up to a small Victorian-style house with yellow siding and white trim. There are roses growing in the front yard. This is where my great aunt lives. Nerves continue to eat at me. Cruz and I share a troubled look as we exit the rental car.

He eyes the front door, murmuring, "Here goes nothing."

"We've already hit rock bottom," I joke. "This shit can't get any worse, right?"

Cruz grimaces. "Let's hope not."

He takes my hand as we walk up to the house. Right as I'm about to ring the doorbell, the front door swings open, and I'm greeted by the sight of a petite, elderly woman with wizened skin and graying hair wrapped in a tight bun. A beautiful set of silver and turquoise earrings dangle from her ears.

Right away, I spot shadows of my mother's features on her face. The cut of her cheekbones. The shape of her nose.

I spy traces of myself in her as well. Her complexion is light brown. Like mine. Her eyes are dark but warm. Like mine. She looks like... family. My pulse starts to race at this realization. I feel tongue-tied and frozen in place.

With an unreadable poker face, the woman studies me closely. "You must be... Athena."

All I can do is nod my head like an idiot in my state of anxiety.

She turns to Cruz. "You are her... friend?"

He corrects her, "Boyfriend."

She chuckles. "Ah."

"Are you... Nascha Benally?" I ask quietly.

"I am, indeed," she affirms.

Cruz gulps. "It's really nice to meet you, ma'am."

With a small smile, Nascha gestures for us to enter her home. "The feeling is mutual. Come inside. Please. We have a lot of catching up to do."