LILITH SHIELDED HER EYES from the fluorescent lights above her as while she laid flat on her back. Her faded pink comforter engulfed her in a thick cloud of warmth. She groaned in annoyance at the sudden brightness of the room.

"What the fuck?" She muttered, rubbing her eyes.

"C'mon! Up, up!" Her father ordered as he stood in the doorway, having just turned on the lights with no warning.

"What is this? The first day of school or some shit?"

"I need you to help me with something today."

Lilith huffed. She sat up once her eyes finally adjusted to the light. "Like what?" She asked.

"We got a pick-up from Hilltop coming in."

"Ok. When?"

"Few hours."

Lilith glared at her father, "So, why the hell did you wake me up now?"

"Because I know you're gonna go back to sleep as soon as I leave the room. So the earlier the better."

"Fuck you."

Negan chuckled, "Love you, baby!"

He finally walked out and shut the door behind him.

After about five to 10 minutes of laying in silence, the teen girl got out of bed. She sleepily shuffled across the room. While she changed, she stared at the framed picture on top of her dresser. Lilith had set it up after that conversation with her dad on the way home from Alexandria. The photo was worn, and it had white lines from where she had folded it over and over again. In the picture was a pair of 13 year old girls, a blonde and a ginger. They sat on a couch, wearing matching pajamas as they hugged each other.

Lilith had forgotten she still had the photo. She'd thought she lost it the day she left her home. But there it was, in all it's glory. There she was. She found it in a stack of 50 or so random photos that had been sitting in her drawer for years. It was stuck to the back of another.

She didn't know whether or not it was a coincidence that she just found it after saying her name out loud for the first time in years. Either way, it felt nice being able to think about her again. To think about Melanie Martin.

She huffed, shaking her head like it would physically get rid of the thought She couldn't allow herself to become weak just because she missed someone she hasn't thought about in years. So, like everything else in her life, she once again pushed it to the back of her mind. And left her room.

She knew she wanted to be with her dad, by his side. She knew that was where she felt safest, even during the moments that were not safe. But, at the same time, the life her father had built for them confused her. It worked, of course. They found a way to thrive among the dead. Something that he had promised her a long time ago. Every once in a while, however, she questioned everything.

Those moments came out of nowhere. The thoughts crept up on her. They startled her. Like now, walking down an empty, quiet hallway, minding her own business. Suddenly she's spiraling again. She doesn't even mean to think those things. She feels ashamed to think them.

Lilith loves her father. She trusts him. She has to. He's all she has, and that trumps every second-thought she's ever had.

~~~~~~

It's been hours. Negan said a few hours, so when is the pickup coming?

Lilith sits on the yellow railing, over looking the geek-lined fence. She held a bag of trail mix in her hand, nibbling on it every now and then. A voice made her jump.

"Heya, tarzan," Liltih turned to see her favorite black-dress-wearing ginger.

"Tarzan?" She asked confused.

"You know, cause your always sitting on the railing?"

"Yeah, I sit on them, not swing from them."

"Whatever," Frankie laughed, leaning her arms on the railing beside the teenager. "How've you been since. . ."

"Fine, Frankie. I'm just fine. I don't know why you keep asking me," She snapped.

"I keep asking because it's ok not to be fine. You shouldn't force yourself to feel one way or another just because you think you should. Telling your family something like that is a big deal."

"Not to me."

"Lilith-"

"I'm serious Frankie," the blonde cut her off, "I could care less about him or anyone else knowing. Please let it go. I know you were a therapist in the old world but I never asked you to be my own. That's not what your job is here, anyway, is it?"

Frankie was silent. Lilith's words stung, and, they were meant to. But when the teen girl turned to look at her friend, she immediately felt it. One of those feelings she constantly tried to block out. Guilt.

With a sigh, the ginger woman turned on her heel, walking away. Lilith groaned and jumped off the railing, following her.

"Frankie, wait."

"No, Lili, you made your point."

The two continued as they weaved quickly through the cement halls.

"I just hate getting personal, you know that. Please, can we not argue?"

"Is that your version of an apology?" Frankie asked in disbelief.

"No! I- I just-"

"You just what?" The woman turned around to face the young girl.

Lilith breathed deeply, "I'm sorry. . . I didn't mean it."

Frankie sighed, somewhat accepting it. "You've got to let those walls down, sweet pea," she told her gently.

This time, instead of snapping, Lilith just looked down. "I know," she said quietly, "and I will. . . " But they both knew it was a lie.

The moment ended quickly,  and the ever present tension in the Sanctuary air returned. Gunshots. That's what they heard. It only lasted a few short seconds, but they were fast. Like machine gun fire. The pair's head whipped in the direction of the sound. Lilith sprinted towards it, while Frankie stayed glued in place.

She made it outside. The pickup from Hilltop had arrived. And lo and behold, they sent an extra gift.

Carl Grimes.

The familiar boy was lying on the ground. Dwight held onto his shirt while shoving a machine gun in his face.

"What the hell happened?" Lilith asked confused, "Dwight, back off, dude. He's younger than me." She pulled the gun away from the blonde man. He stepped back from the boy, but not before taking his knife from his waistband.

She studied Carl for a moment, looking back and forth between her father, the dead men, and the weapon and her arms. "Why do I get the feeling you were holding this first?" She remarked, holding up the gun as she spoke.

Her dad chuckled from behind her, "Look at my daughter, the little master of deduction."

Lilith rolled her eyes. She heard him walk closer to her. He stood over Carl, reaching his hand out to help him up, "Kid, I sincerely apologize for the less-than-warm welcome on Dwight's part. Come on, I'll show you around."

Carl only glared up at him, causing Negan to laugh. "You know, you do the same damn stink eye as your dad, except it's only half as good because, well, you know, you're missing an eye," he chuckled again, looking to his daughter for approval of his joke but, instead, was met with a look that roughly translated to wow, so creative.

The man cleared his throat, brushing off Lilith's reaction. He looked down at Carl again, who still had not stood up, "Really? Are you seriously not gonna take my hand? 'Cause you're lucky you even still have a hand," he turned to the walker-fence, "Same as your boy Daryl here, now that I think about it. How's the job going, Daryl? Hot enough for ya? Yeah, it be tough with one arm."

At that, Lilith groaned, walking to stand in front of her dad as he faced her. She looked at him with an eyebrow raised before turning to Carl and holding her own hand out, which the boy was more willing to take. "Smart move," she told him.

Negan patted the boy's shoulder roughly, "Alright! Time for the grand tour! Dwighty boy, why don't you take Daryl into the kitchen, do a little grub prep. New plan, boys. Lets burn the dead, unload the truck later."

Lilith watched Carl closely, noticing his nervous demeanor as he looked at his feet and wiped sweat off his hands.

"Damn," her father continued, "I am not gonna have time to screw any of my wives today!" Now, Lilith wanted to vomit, just as she did anytime he brought up the wives. But this time, not only did she wanna puke, she wanted to smack her father across the face. "Well, maybe one," he added, glancing at Dwight."

The teen girl scoffed, "Are you ever going to learn boundaries?" She didn't giving her father a chance to answer before grabbing Carl's elbow and pulling him towards the door with her. "Come on, apparently I have to babysit my dad on this grand tour," she muttered.

"What's gonna happen to me?" Carl asked the girl quietly.

She sighed, "Ok, listen, two things. Number one, don't shatter my image of you. You're a badass, you're not scared of shit, don't be scared of us. It's a disappointment. Number two. . . I honestly have no idea. But you'll be fine. . . probably."

The boy nodded, visibly swallowing the lump in his throat. He jumped at the sound of hands clapping. Negan walked up behind the two kids, "Shall we go in?"

So they did. Lilith let her dad take control of the conversation. He led them up the stairs and inside while she stood in the back.

"Wanna see something cool?" Negan said to Carl as he walked closer the the yellow railing. Below him, a crowd of workers mingled. They all quieted down and kneeled on the ground causing the man in the leather jacket to grin brightly, "The saviors have gone out into the world and fought the dead and brought back some really good stuff. Some of that stuff can be yours if you work hard and play by the rules. Today, everyone gets fresh vegetables at dinner. No points needed." The men on their knees applaud briefly, before Negan turned around. His back to the crowd as he leaned back on the railing.

"You see that?" He whispered to Carl beside him, "Respect. Cool, huh? They still on their knees?" He then pushed off the railing, walking away, "As you were!"

Carl watched as the men obeyed his orders, then turned back to look at Lilith, who only stared at him. Not a single emotion readable on her face.

God help me, she thought to herself. She went to follow her dad, hearing Carl behind her.

•••

At the realization of where her father was headed, Lilith's pace began to slow.

Negan and Carl walked through the double doors and Lilith leaned against the frame. She scanned the room, making eye contact with Frankie who gave her a sympathetic look.

The girl tried the best to block out whatever bullshit her dear father was spewing but at the sound of the word titties, she had had enough.

"You know what? No. Remember what I said about boundaries? Well, this is your first lesson. I'm gonna be taking him to hang out with me until your finished with whatever shit your dealing with this time," she told her dad. She gestured with her head for Carl to follow her as she walked to her room a couple doors over.

Once inside, she tossed her jacket onto the floor, sitting on her bed. Carl took in the small bedroom.

He analyzed the twin bed in the corner, with its stained, light pink comforter and metal frame. He noticed the white dresser against the wall next to the door, which had old photos scattered on top of it and a candle collection resting there too. He saw the full-body mirror leaning on the wall at the foot of the bed and the dark blue suede rocking chair pushed into the corner. Lilith had a small circular nightstand with a black lamp sitting on top. There was a small stack of books on it and a larger pile on the floor. The wall parallel to him was completely bare, which gave the room a slightly uncomfortable air to it. Like it wasn't meant to be lived in. On the floor, a large white carpet was sprawled out.

"Um. . . this is nice," he said awkwardly.

Lilith only laughed, "I mean thanks but no, it's really not. Dad cared more about me being closer to him than having the same amount of luxury. Hence the twin bed."

Carl shrugged wordlessly.

"You can sit down," she told him. The boy obeyed, sitting on the chair in the corner.

There was another moment of silence between them before Lilith groaned, "This awkward silence in making my head hurt. Come on, Carl. Ask me something."

"How do you know you're older than me?"

The girl blinked, "what?"

"Outside you said he's younger than me. How do you know that?"

"Because you act like it," she told him with a smirk.

"I'm taller than you."

"As men are. What's your point?"

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen. That is if I've been counting my days accurately."

Carl nodded.

"So was I right? Am I older?" Lilith asked.

The boy shrugged again, "not by much. . . I'm Sixteen."

"Ha!" Lilith clapped her hands together victoriously, "Look at us! If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were having a pleasant conversation!"

"No."

The girl paused, raising her eyebrows, "No? Why not?"

"It's not pleasant to me. I still don't like you. You're still holding me prisoner."

"Holding you prisoner? Who's the one who shot his way in now, huh? Don't go acting like we sought you out."

Carl glared at her, "What is your problem? You save me from your dad's shitty tour only to mock me on your own? Are you trying to be a hero? Cause it's not working."

I'm not mocking you. I'm not even sure you just used that word right. Also, why is everyone so repulsed by receiving my help? First Enid, now you. God, it's like I killed your friends or something. . . oh wait."

The boy looked at her in disbelief, she could tell he was trying to hold back tears, "You are such a hypocrite."

That's when Lilith's smile dropped.

"You go around lecturing your dad about boundaries and then you say shit like that? Seriously, what the fuck is your problem?"

Lilith looked at her hands, "You're right."

"What?"

"You're right, I am a hypocrite. I am a such a big fat raging hypocrite and I always have been. Probably always will be. I'm. . . sorry."

The boy was taken aback. "I. . . Oh."

"Look, dude, I'm having a really shitty day. This morning, like usual, I wasn't watching my mouth and I said something completely out of pocket to one of my closest friends. Now, we're here. . ." After a beat, Lilith chuckled. "You'd think I'd have learned my lesson considering last time I joked about what my dad did, I got hit on the bag of the head with a piece of stale toast."

Carl furrowed his brows in confusion but Lilith didn't acknowledge it. There was a still moment while they both thought of what to say next. Then, the boy spoke up,

"Why does your dad have so many wives?" He asked

Lilith's stomach turned at his question, should've known he'd ask that.

"Um. . ."

"I just. . . I keep thinking about it and it's making me . . . nauseous. How do you- Why do you put up with it?"

The girl cleared her throat, "What makes you think I put up with it?"

"We walked into that room and you just walked right out without acknowledging it."

"Well, this has been going on for me a lot longer than it has for you," she explained, ". . . I don't put up with it. Or I didn't. When he first came up with the idea, I was so repulsed I actually slapped him. I begged him not to. I didn't understand why he would do it, especially knowing what my mom would think. He was too persistent though. I made him promise me he would never sleep with any of them, but obviously he didn't keep that promise. He's my father, and I should be able to hold him accountable, but with this. . . it bothers me too much to even bring it up. So, I guess the reason I put up with it is because I'm tired of it. Better to ignore the whole situation."

Carl didn't know what to say, he hadn't expected her to get so personal.

"Oh my god. . . I totally just trauma-dumped onto you, didn't I?" Lilith realized

"Um-"

"I did. I did. That's my bad. Not a lot of kids my age around here, so."

The boy shook his head, telling her not to worry. He was starting to realize that she was a kid too. That, before her life became what it is now, she was normal. She had a mom and a dad and friends and a home. She had feelings, and whether or not she acted like it, she still did

"Um. . . What was your mom's name?"

"What?"

"I just. . . am trying to make conversation?"

"Why do we have to talk about this? Are we gonna bond over our dead moms?"

"I mean, I don't know, maybe," Carl cringed at his words as soon as they left his mouth. 

Lilith laughed, "Are you serious?"

He shrugged.

"You go first. Tell me about your dead mom and I might tell you about mine."

Carl fidgeted with his hands, "Ok, um. . . Her name was Lori."

"Mhm, and what'd she look like?"

"She was . . . tall. Almost as tall as my dad. She had dark brown hair, almost black. It was long too, way past her shoulders. She had my freckles, and she was really skinny. She had light brown eyes and she was pale, really. . . really pale," Then the boy looked up at the girl in front of him, "Your turn."

She sighed, "Alright, well. . . She was blonde, had brown eyes. I guess she was tall too, but not nearly as tall as my dad. That man is a giant. She had really soft hands. When she brushed her fingers through my hair it would instantly put me to sleep because her hands were so soft. They were always cold though which was weird. Like if you were really warm and all of a sudden she touched your bare back or leg or something you would absolutely jump. She loved to abuse that fact. And she was really pretty. . . like that kind of pretty that makes you stop in your tracks. My dad always says I look like her but obviously that's not true otherwise I'm sure I would've had way more friends when I was younger."

"She sounds amazing."

"She was."

"What was her name?"

Lilith exhaled, looking at her hands and then back up to Carl. She felt a tear roll down her cheek as she said the name, which startled her because she hadn't noticed she was tearing up.

"Lucille."

••

(word count: 3187)

many thanks to heartology for the gif!!