I couldn't stop punching the wall. It didn't matter if my knuckles were bleeding, I couldn't feel anything but anger. I was angry at the world, at my lover but most importantly at myself. I wanted to scream, break something just so I could let my anger out but it attached itself to me so firmly I couldn't just shake it off. My lungs couldn't take enough air, it felt like I was going to pass out due to the lack of air but at the same time I inhaled just enough to keep myself alive. There were already blood marks on the wall but I still kept punching so I could feel physical pain instead of what my heart felt.

Why did I let it happen? Why did I not reach out at the last moment?

I let him end his life because I was a coward and couldn't say a word or take a step forward.

I remember his eyes, those eyes that turned sorrow right before he pulled the trigger. I can still see them, the way they glistened with tears in the dim room.

I could still feel his warm hand on my shoulders, I almost heard him whispering "it was never your fault " in my ear but I could never believe that. I knew he did it because of me, even if he said otherwise, deep down I knew. I should've stepped forward, to hug him and tell him that everything would be fine.

My body slowly started to give in to the relentless punching until I couldn't move my hands anymore. My heart was still beating mercilessly against my ribcage and the sound of it slowly blocked out everything else until my breathing became normal although every inhale hurt.

Why?

The question echoed in my head, not giving me even a second of peace. Why didn't you stop him?

'You know you could've stopped me, right?' I heard the familiar voice right next to me. I looked over my shoulder to see a hollow figure which started to fade in more and more as the seconds passed. I saw the same chocolate brown eyes fill with life but I couldn't say anything, just like every other time.

'I'm guessing you're wondering why am I here' he asked but it sounded more like a statement. His figure was crisp by then and I started to feel dizzy again as if a hand was choking me, pushing every ounce of power out of me. My blood was rushing through my veins as I reached to grab my shirt to ground myself. Tears gathered in my eyes and slowly ran down my face until they reached the floor. They fell silently just like I did.

A hand touched my chin and forced me to look up at the owner.

'I don't want to know...' I mumbled, wishing the floor would open up beneath me and swallow me forever so I don't have to feel the pain anymore.

'You know..when I left, I thought you'd follow me. I believed you were weak since you didn't even try to stop me out of your own fears. I saw everything but from the outside. You were standing there, completely still when I pulled the trigger. It wasn't because of you..it was me. I know, it's selfish but I wanted something that you could never give me. I wanted suffering, hardness and everything in between but you were too soft and sensitive and I never wanted you to change' his soft voice filled the room and I could not look away from him. I was scared that he would disappear if I did, like so many times before.

'I wanted you to follow me but now I see that it would've been cruel for you. I thought you were weak but turns out you're way stronger than I ever thought. I know you've been thinking of me ever since that day... is love really that important?' He asked again, those brown eyes looked at me with curiosity. I slowly got more comfortable as I sat on the floor beside my bed while he plopped down on said bed.

'Yes..it's really that important' he seemed to think for a moment at my answer and started to talk again in that beautiful angelic voice I've missed so much.

'Tell me how it was. Tell me how it felt when you were with me' he asked with the same smile I knew all too well. I always loved his smile.

With a long sigh I leaned on to the bed before I started. How should I start? What should I say?

'I thought it was just an illusion at first like in those romance movies. It was surreal to feel that joy and happiness so suddenly as if it was the only thing that mattered. I remember your smile when we first met while you were drinking that hot chocolate in the coffee shop. I wanted to get to know you but I was too scared to even talk to you, because you looked so perfect and so out of my league.

'But you knew I was far from perfect' he chuckled softly.

'I guess...yeah. But I didn't know it back then. Then, out of nowhere, you walked up to me and sat right in front of me without any questions. I just listened to everything you said, but I could not understand a word. All I could focus on was your voice, how it made me feel all warm inside, it all happened so fast and I realized that I was in love already. I never had anyone before you... but you know this because I've told you many times already.

'I have to say you were incredibly cute when you blushed cause I scolded you for not listening' he reached out to ruffle my hair, but his hand slipped through the strands without moving them. A welcoming silence filled the room slowly as I didn't know what to say, it was all too vivid and realistic. Moments ago I felt as if he was really there with me, but I realized again that it was just an illusion, a picture I wanted to happen but it was never real.

'Please, continue.. I'd like to hear more'

It was a strange feeling but I still continued as he asked me.

'After some time we got closer to each other and I truly felt like I was the luckiest person walking on this Earth. I was so unserious at times, but it just felt right since you were just as dumb as me. It didn't matter if we got strange looks from others because I had you with me, and we were able to just live in the moment. I was the happiest at that time until... until you started to change.'

'Change?' he asked, his hand still moving as if he was patting my hair but I couldn't feel anything.

'I'm not sure... I guess you started to make excuses more frequently in order to avoid me or something' I was still unsure how it happened or why. 'I thought we would break up in the end, but just when I thought it was over, you always came back and said that it was fine, everything would be okay. I was too deeply in love with you to think otherwise and I let myself fall even deeper for you.' I finally stopped. wondering about our relationship, our past that we shared. Everything was perfect, maybe even too perfect to be real. 'After that.. I don't know how to say it. I remember feeling miserable, lost and sad. I felt like I'd actually die if I lost you and I wasn't able to move on. I remember your eyes... the last time I saw them. And when you... when you held that gun... I never felt that terrified'

'Why didn't you say anything to stop me?'

'I was terrified, I couldn't even think of anything... I just stood there, watching how you ended your own life with just a single move.. It's the worst thing ever. To see the person you love the most die, right in front of your own eyes...But then again, those happy memories came back'

'Don't think I didn't love those moments with you' he laughed and laid on the bed fully. 'Come here... you must be uncomfortable on the floor.' I climbed in the bed, hugging the blanket close to me for protection.

'Why are you here?'

'I just wanted to visit you because I've missed you. It's really boring, especially when I can only watch you from far away... but this is nice. I like it this way better.' he smiled at me, again, with that same innocent smile he always had.

'I would like to believe you're real and not just my imagination...'

'I am real, but I can't be the same as you anymore'

'Tell me...if I fall asleep, will you be here tomorrow?' I asked, hoping he would say yes.

'I'll be here so you can continue our story.. I won't leave you if you don't want me to.'

'Good. I don't want to wake up alone again...'

'I won't move an inch, don't worry' he said as my body slowly gave in and fell asleep not long after.

***

The morning greeted me with warm sunlight coming through the windows. I looked around the room, but I found no one. No trace of him, he wasn't next to me like he said he would.

He broke his promise, just like he did so many times before but I still couldn't hate him. I missed him, but I knew he was watching every step of my life, every breath I took. I could only hope to see him again and then maybe, maybe he'll keep his promise the next time.