I pulled my phone out of my pocket, typing in Cian's name to let him know I had made it up my driveway safely like I had said I would. I smiled to myself. As I turned around from the door, my worst fears came crashing down with the words I heard next.

"Who the fuck was that, Bailey?" My eyes shot up from my phone to meet Miles', standing in the darkness of the hallway.

For a moment, it was like I forgot how to talk. I couldn't believe this was happening. I already knew I couldn't see Cian again; it wasn't fair. I was in love with Miles. I never wanted Miles to find out, and there was no reason he had to except that he had just seen it. And the worst part is, there was nothing I could say to make it better. I couldn't say that Cian wasn't Miles, I couldn't tell Miles that I loved him and no one could compare. Everything I could say would make it worse.

"Just a friend," I said. It was dumb, but I didn't know what to say.

"That's all it takes? A guy just needs to be fucking nice and be your friend and you'll do anything they want? That's not what a fucking friend is, Bailey."

"Isn't that what I am to you? A friend?" I felt my face get hot with rage and embarrassment. We were going to wake my parents, and I had no idea how I was going to explain this. "Can we go to my room?"

"I'm not going anywhere with you. You're just some faggot, willing to give it out to anyone who asks and not giving a fuck who sees."

His words felt like a physical blow, and I thought I could feel my heart breaking. It hurt; my chest physically hurt. I was there to comfort him through everything, all it took was a text, a call, a word and I was there. It killed me that someone who I would do anything and give anything for could say that to me, and the worse part was I didn't think it was just to hurt me, I think that was seriously was he thought of me.

"I'd rather be a faggot than be someone who is too weak to admit to themselves who they really are. But that shouldn't be surprising from you, you're too weak to stand up to your own mother. That's why you're here, right? That's the only reason you ever are."

I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth. I could see the hurt in his eyes. It wasn't fair. Miles couldn't control the life he was born into. But the fact was, if his home life was perfect, I don't think he would even need me. He was my world and I was the temporary release from his life.

"Miles, I –" before I could even try to undo what I had said, Miles' fist collided with my cheek. I felt the tears running down my face before I even registered what had happened. I reached up to touch my face, looking up to his eyes. He looked more shocked than I was.

A light flicked on upstairs. "Bailey, is everything okay?" It was my mom, standing at the top of the stairs in her nightgown, rollers in her hair.

Miles pushed passed me and forced his way out the door, and all rational thought left my mind as a followed him.

"Please stay, Miles. Please," I was begging and sobbing and I didn't even care. I didn't care how pathetic it made me. I had to try.

He heard me and looked dead into my eyes before walking away. He heard me pleading and walked away. It felt like I lost the strength to move. I grabbed the railing of the porch and let myself fall down onto the steps, crying loudly and uncontrollably and not caring if the whole world saw.

What if I had fucked up everything and he never talked to me again? How could I possibly fix it? It wasn't worth it; the date wasn't worth it. I just wanted to be in Miles' bed, watching tv show reruns and talking through his feelings and dreaming of a future where everything was better. But I was a fucking awful person and I didn't know how to fix this, and I didn't know how to live myself. How could I say something like that?

I didn't hear the front door open, but I felt an arm wrap around me. I didn't even want to open my eyes, but I knew it was my mom. It only made me feel worse. I was here being comforted by my mother after having criticized Miles for something I could never even begin to understand and sending him home to deal with it. She kept trying to lift me up and get me inside, but I didn't want to. I didn't care if I froze outside.

I didn't go to school the next day. I just wanted to sleep myself away from existence. I couldn't find the energy or motivation to get out of bed and I knew I was scaring my family, but I didn't care. I must have called him 20 times last night and I woke up in the morning to find that he had blocked my number. That was all I meant to him, just like that I was gone. And I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what to do but I felt the intense need to fix things because I couldn't live with myself, I couldn't live feeling this way. But he had taken away any ability I had to contact him and fix things, short of showing up at his house. I had considered it, but I knew it would make things worse not better.

I knew how he operated but it didn't make it hurt any less. This wasn't the first time he had blocked me or ignored me, he used to do it without reason soon after things became sexual between us. And I would just wait around for him to get over whatever was bothering him and talk to me again. Sometimes it was a few hours, sometimes it lasted for days. And I would just wait, feeling empty, hurt, and barely functional. I couldn't help but feel like this was what I deserved, and that I was stupid for ever expecting more. Stupid for thinking I actually meant something to someone.

I ignored every text from Cian, which was probably seeming to him as exactly on character. But what was I supposed to say?

When I finally got myself out of bed, one glance to the mirror was all it took to remind me of everything, a black circle decorating my cheek. I stood in the shower unmoving, just letting the water fall down. I wanted to leave, I wanted to run away and never turn back and not have to fix any of this. It was too difficult; I just wanted a fresh start. I had barely lived and had already made my life too messy.

I got back in my bed, towel still on, and that was how I stayed. I ignored everyone's incessant knocking, I didn't eat, I didn't even look at my phone. And when I reached the point where I couldn't sleep anymore, I just thought and stared.

It was 3 AM when I couldn't sleep another second and couldn't bare being left alone with my thoughts. I put on Forensic Files to drown them out. Miles had still blocked my number and Cian hadn't sent anymore texts, though his last one was a mix of annoyed and concerned. The best part was how ridiculous I felt. Other people have real issues, they are sick, or their loved ones are sick or dying or imprisoned and I am here, feeling so sorry for myself, because I said a stupid thing and now don't have the chance to undo it. And to make it even more pointless, I knew it would be okay. I knew Miles and I would get passed this; I knew he would come back in a few days acting like nothing happened. We got through everything. So essentially, I was just wasting my life being sad and torturing myself for no reason, saying every mean thing I could say about myself until my brain just couldn't take one more.

I was thankfully pulled from my thoughts when I heard the backdoor open and close and someone walking on the main floor. I tried to tell myself it was nothing and that I was overreacting, but eventually the nagging fear dragged me from bed and up the stairs, to where I was greeted with Gemma, looking incredibly suspicious.

She had on a black strapless top and a black leather jacket, paired with ripped jeans and heeled boots. Far too dressed up for a late-night snack.

"Did you just get home?" I asked, catching her just as she was trying to tip toe up to her room.

"Of course not," she laughed, swaying slightly as she held onto the railing.

"Are you drunk?" She rolled her eyes and leaned backwards in a way that terrified me, but she didn't fall.

"Bailey, I'm fifteen. You were having sex, smoking, and drinking at 13. I'm not interested in a lecture."

"I was stupid. This isn't a competition, it's your life," I said. She leaned in close and looked into my eyes.

"And somehow you've been too wrapped up in your own life to notice until now."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I stomped after her as she continued up the stairs, not caring if I woke up our parents.

"It means you're not a very good babysitter. You're too busy to even notice if I don't come home."

"That's not true!" She had made it to the top of the stairs and took one look back at me before she disappeared into her room.

"Really? Think about it, Bailey." With that she slammed the door and I was left alone, standing in the moonlight streaming through the hall window.

I didn't have to think about it to know she was right. I only went looking for Gemma when I was going to make dinner or when I was leaving for school. And looking back, I had probably respected her privacy too much, never asking where she was or when she would be back. I wasn't there for her, and she clearly needed it. I didn't even want to think about what could have happened to her walking home in the dark and drunk. I wouldn't even let her use the pool by herself because I was too scared something would happen and no one would be home to help her, but this had been going on and I hadn't even noticed. I was too wrapped up in my own life.

I knew what I needed to do. I had to tell Miles the truth and distance myself. I had to let him go. I had to tell Cian the truth and be okay with whatever that outcome was. I had to fix things with Gemma and be there for her, I had to spend time with people that were good for me. I knew exactly what the right things to do were.

But somehow, none of that mattered. I'd been here before. Telling yourself you're not going to do this again, begging yourself to just do the right thing and walk away, anything so that you never have to feel this pain again. I never could.

a/n : sorry that was so sad, hope everyone's doing alright. Random side question: any sims 4 players out there? sometimes  I make my story characters into sims and build their little houses hehe its a nice little stress relief.