Michelle 67

I can't believe they shucking locked me up again. At least this time it was only a warning.

At least, this time, they let me out the next day, so long as I promised not to tell anybody about being locked up. Like I've got anybody to shucking tell. At least Alby was cool about the whole thing, he told me he knows we are probably shacking, but he doesn't have a shuck to give until he has proof. So as long as no one gives him proof, I think we are good.

Not that there is proof to give.

Besides, I've learned my lesson. They punished me well enough just by locking me in there with nothing but my thoughts. I don't need to ruin my day further by talking about my feelings. What do they even think this is?

I also have been avoiding Gally. Not showing up for work, and just hanging around proves easy enough. No one has come looking for me yet. I don't know how to go back. I don't know how to tell him I don't like him, or how to tell him that they didn't hear anything about Ben. I'm not telling him about Ben, I don't think. Maybe I should've trusted David more.

Dinner is over, and as I dump my plate in the kitchen sink, I see Leo in line. I walk up to her, sure and steady, pulling her away from her conversation with one of those Med-jacks I choose to forget the name of.

"Hey," she offers carefully, staring me down. I'm not sure what I am doing, or how to ask her what I'm trying to ask her, since I'm not good at this emotion stuff. "Are you good?"

"Dawn," I jump in, cutting her off. I think I can trust her at this point. "Where is she?"

Leo shrugs, looking around as if the girl would just happen to be hanging out just behind me. I don't know why I'm looking for Dawn; I mean, I guess I know her slightly better, but she doesn't have good decision making.

She, for some reason, thinks Minho of all people is good-looking. Definitely don't trust her.

"Is it about Gally?" Leo offers.

I rip her out of the room, moving further away from the prying ears of the Gladers around us. How can she read me so well? I hate it, completely.

Once we are practically tucked against the Wall and the soon to be shutting Doors, she continues. "I would've gotten you out, but nobody told me. And then I fainted..." her embarrassment takes over, and I can't help my eyeroll.

Of course, she fainted. It's Leo.

I avert my eyes from her soft, and pleading face. She looks at me with concern that makes me feel both like a child but also valued.

"Hey, if he did what Ben did-"

"He didn't." My eyes snap up to hers, and she shuts her mouth.

We must look so odd, standing this close to each other. The meek and fearful brunette, and the angry and violent ginger. We fit out stereotypes slightly too well, and it is odd to see our rolls reversing.

"He did try to kiss you."

I kissed him first. "It's a long story. I've shucked it up."

She pauses, listening to me. It's weird. I hate this feeling. This way that she cares for me; it just makes me feel like klunk for hating her for so long. Especially when she's been behind me in every corner. David was right. I hate that.

"I kissed Gally first, because David was watching," I don't know why I tell her this. "And he kissed me."

"Dave?" She asks.

I nod, and she looks around. This is why I wanted to talk to Dawn. She knows David, and well. Leo doesn't, not like I do.

"Are you both..."

When I can't nod, I shrug. Because, like, we aren't. Maybe I'd want to though? It's sounds crazy, I know, but it's hard. David is right about everything, and he wants the best for me. He isn't some soft, lovey dovey person either. He just happens to have feelings outwardly.

Gally is hard edges and rough hands. He fights with me, and we bicker and argue. He likes me, it's quite obvious, and there is something about hating him that I love. Something about him that sucks me in deeper and deeper.

"I need to apologise to David." I'm not going to be with him, or Gally. Neither of them are good enough for me. "I don't know how."

Leo smiles at me, smile across her lips. "You're deciding to apologise?"

I roll my eyes, resisting the urge to punch both her and myself in the face. "I don't need a lecture, Mom."

"Well, I'm sure you can figure it out." She bites the inside of her cheek before adding, "just don't hit him and I'm sure he'll forgive you. Probably, I don't pretend to understand boys, and I don't want to."

She isn't looking at me, and I catch her staring off into the field. Around the bonfire sits the Med-jack boys, Newt, Minho, and Dawn. I wonder if she's into one of those boys she spends most of her days with. To be honest, I thought the Med-jacks were together, but I could be wrong.

I nod, forgetting how to thank her and walking off. She's so distracted in her gaze she doesn't call after me to add anything.

It takes a while to find David, it takes even longer to get him alone. So long, that its after lights out and the walls are long past closed. In all that time, I still haven't found a way to talk to explain myself. Nor do I think I could apologise if I wanted too.

"You wanted to talk?" I'm surprised he heard me. He opens his eyes, spinning around in his hammock to look closer at me. His blue eyes pierce me, and I can't help but look away.

His eyes are much sharper than Gally's. Gally's look both green and blue at the same time, and it makes me feel weird that I noticed.

Dave gets out of his hammock, walking away with me. He moves, until we are pressed into the very corner of the Glade. He takes a breath to think and feel, and I am surprised it takes him so long to stare at me.

"You know, I thought about what I'd say if you came to talk to me," he looks away from me, but not in the distracted or embarrassed sense. He is furious, and I guess I owe him that. "I didn't really put that much thought into it, since I figured you'd want nothing to do with me, but believe me when I say I actually thought about it."

I wait for him to continue, since I don't really know what to say. I didn't think I'd come talk to him either, especially not to apologise.

"Like, I get if you aren't in to me," he continues. "Shuck, I didn't think you would be, I don't know what I was thinking. I don't get you Michelle."

"I was pissed off..." I can't end that sentence, because that's the end.

"You don't think before you act," he begins. "You're lucky Gally has feelings for you, or you'd be shucking banished right now."

"I didn't tell him about Dawn," I begin.

"But you wanted to, right?" He asks, sighing. "I don't get why you don't want people to be friends with you."

It's different now. I'm trying to be friendly. I talked to Dawn when I saw her sneak out of Minho's room. I suck out Leo when it all got rough too. Really, I'm trying my damndest. All just to spite Dave, for saying I didn't trust people.

Trusting people is the bravest thing I've ever done.

"I do, I'm just..." this is really not the time for me to be at a loss for words. "Shuck, I can't explain it. I'm really shucking sorry."

"Just, stay away from me," he pushes past me, and this time it is my turn to grab him. And I do, even though it's hard. Burning hands reaching for pure skin. I am a ball of fire, seeking to be extinguished. It is not in my nature to care. My body is not one which reaches forward with its arms spread looking for something to hold. I consume and I consume and I burn and I destroy. It's so hard to grab David and attempt to build something.

"No, I'm sorry," I begin. "Please, Dave, I'm sorry."

"Sorry that you upset me?" He turns back. "Or sorry that I'm upset?"

Those questions are the same thing, and I don't know how to answer him. He shrugs himself out of my grip, walking further away.

"No, I just," I can't reach him to explain I have changed. That I am different. "I didn't tell him about Dawn and Minho, even though they are shacking. I didn't tell him about Ben. I kissed Gally, but I don't give a shuck about him."

"I could care less about Gally," he begins. "I could care less about you liking me too."

"Then why are you upset?" Finally, the anger roars out of me, where it belongs. It blows down the Glade, and the Walls and all the Gladers until it is Dave and I, staring at each other.

"You are addicted to trouble." He says it with such finality I believe him. "You like Gally because he is dangerous and volatile. You fight people, because you crave the rush of violence. For some reason, you throw yourself headfirst into trouble over and over again, and I want nothing to do with it."

Now he wants nothing to do with me? I am not even sure if I like him, but he is shoving me off like I'm nothing. I'm not nothing. I calmed down because I know my behaviour is pissing him off and he has the audacity to shove this back onto me?

"I didn't ask you to help me," I begin. "I didn't ask you to pull me out from the crumbling Homestead, or tell Gally you stole the screwdriver, or be there for me, and I certainly didn't ask you to kiss me. You shove yourself into my life, demanding I be different, and then you shut me out?"

"That's the thing, you think help is something you need to ask for," he storms closer to me, until he stares down at me from high above me. "I didn't do it to make you owe me."

"Not intentionally, but that's what you did," I reach forward to shove him away, but he grabs my hands.

"Take some blame." He orders it and I fight the urge to spit in his face.

"Only if you share it."

He lets my shaking fists go, huffing. We are both struggling to breathe, and I don't know what is happening.

"Stop pretending you don't care about me," he begins.

I shake my head, my red hair flaming out around me. "Shucking make me."

He kisses me, and this time I kiss him back. This burns at my throat. He pulls me in tighter and closer to him, trying to make my skin become one with his.

"I love you," his words are simple and soft as he breathes them into me.

I can feel myself pulling at his shirt, trying to remove it. I continue to kiss him, ignoring his words to the best of my ability.

He carefully unbuttons the fabric, afterwards doing the same for mine. He slowly moves us, pressing my back into the ground beneath us. His hands rake up my skin, his nails digging feeding into me, and I find myself matching his movements.

Forget building, this is a beautiful destruction.

~~~

Well, this is dangerously close to the end. Why can't Michelle just pick one of them. None of this can be any good.

Do you like Dave? Or do you like Gally? I'm still out on this one. I can't choose.

I'll see you soon in Ella and Flashing in and Out