Leo 45

"You're not letting me see her?" I am surprised at the tone in my voice. It is a very Michelle feeling, to want to shout at someone else.

"I think she has a severe allergic reaction to some sort of natural element." Clint tells me, steering me away from the Med room. "You and Jeff have been outside in the grass, and I don't want to set it off again."

There is no way she is allergic to something. "Clint, this is ludacris."

"Well, tough," he rolls his eyes, moving me away from the door. "I'm sure you can find something else to do in the hour we have before dinner. Help the Builders unload maybe?"

"We did that," Jeff tells Clint, brushing past him. "They knocked down the ceiling again, so Gally was already being a bit of a Shank. You should've seen the look on Dave's face. He was ripe red when that happened."

"No one was hurt?" Clint asks.

I shake my head. I would've checked up on Michelle if she had been there, but I couldn't manage to find her. It's been pretty lonely these past two days. Both Michelle and Dawn have been oddly absent. No matter where I go, Dawn is always there, and even if it is normal for Michelle to be gone, I assume I would've heard of some terrible thing she has done by now.

Especially since I treated a Builder for a bloody nose yesterday, which he insisted came from smashing his own face against the window frame. Not to say that I am suspicious, but I am suspicious.

"No," I tell him. "I checked them all. They had finished the inside earlier that day. Only people on the roof were affected."

"How didn't you realise the roof was knocked in?" Jeff asks, grabbing Clint by the shoulders. "It was as loud as you could imagine a roof full of Slintheads collapsing would be."

"I'm so used to tuning you out I actively just stop listening to everything around me." Clint teases back.

I roll my eyes, turning away before anything else can happen. Knowing these boys, I don't want to be around for their worst.

When I leave the Homestead, I don't know what to do. I haven't talked to Alby in a while, and I don't know how to begin a conversation with him. The only person I could see myself talking to is Newt, and I've been avoiding him since he gave me his bed to sleep in. I felt so terrible about that, that I don't really know how to look him in the face.

The sun is moving deeper into the sky, and I hear laughter. Looking to the doors, I notice boys beginning to trickle in. The first of whom is Minho.

I wonder what he did to Dawn.

It's odd that I immediately assume Minho did her wrong, but I can't imagine her being the one to cause her such despair. Especially when Minho seems okay. I knew he would only hurt her. That must have been why I felt so weird about her being with Minho. It couldn't have possibly been anything else at all.

He moves away, towards the Map-room, and I move towards him. I notice he is writing something down on a piece of paper, glancing up at where he is going.

Glancing up, he notices me. I watch his nose turn pink as he forms a grimace on his face, nodding his head before he turns. He cast his eyes back at me, before gesturing for me to follow him with a twitch of his head. I do, follow him that is, jogging on my feet slightly as I try to catch up with him. He enters the farm, leaving the door slightly ajar for me to enter in after him.

"Is Dawn alright?" He asks me before I have a chance to completely shut the door behind me.

"She's been gone." I tell him. "Haven't seen her at night, or at any meals."

"Fry said she was quiet in the kitchen yesterday. I showed up in the morning to find her, but she was gone."

I cross my arms over my chest. I knew this would happen. I just knew it. Minho and I may barely know each other, but he isn't that difficult to figure out. Just another cocky boy who thinks Dawn is beautiful. Of course everything about her is wonderful, but I don't know what she sees in him.

Some part of me hates him, even though I know he is nothing but kind and funny. We barely knew each other, and he brought me into his room when I forgot how to breathe. He was there for me while I cried, and I know he is nothing but the best for her.

Maybe that's why I hate him. Perhaps I wish I was as wonderful as he is.

"Minho, what did you do?"

He leans against the wooden table, rolling up the blue sleeves of his shirt. I hate that the colour matches her clothes.

"She didn't tell me that Newt knew about us."

"He doesn't know about you." I correct quickly, without thinking. "He knows about two Gladers breaking the rule. One of which I'm sure he assumes is Dawn, but that doesn't mean he knows for sure. He certainly doesn't know its you."

"She still didn't tell me." He continues, "which is a big deal."

"I told her not to." Klunk. I shouldn't lie. I don't lie very much, or at least I didn't think I did. From the way Minho looks at me though, I can tell he believes me.

"You told her not to?" He continues on. "Why?"

"Newt was really shaken about it." I tell Minho. "I told her he wouldn't say anything, and that it wasn't a big deal, and not to tip you off. No offense Minho, but you are kind of an open book. Really easy to read, actually. Newt would've caught on after a shift in your behaviour."

"She kept talking about how we are just friends." He ignores me, though I know he heard my words. "Claimed I didn't care about her, or some other klunk."

"Well, do you?"

He doesn't answer me. It's too dark in this room to tell what he really believes. If he doesn't love her, he is an idiot. Anyone could love her easily. He runs a hand through his hair before he looks at me.

"It doesn't matter that I love her if she's dead," Minho answers but also doesn't answer. "If we get caught, I'll die, which would suck, but I know what I'm getting into. She doesn't though. You know her, you can't tell her no. She thinks she's indestructible. If she dies, it would be my fault. It's crazy, for her to die for me. She doesn't get what that means."

I don't either. I could not imagine having so much love in me I would sacrifice my life for someone else. Out of all the things I am, a coward is the largest. Minho doesn't seem fearful though.

"Maybe she doesn't," I lean out the door, "or maybe she does. Are you two done?"

"Oh shuck I hope not." He buries himself in his hands, as he sinks down to the ground. I move around the counter, next to him. My arms find themselves at his sides, before I can hold onto him tightly. I barely know him, but I feel compelled to do this.

I don't know what to say, since as far as I know, I've never lost anyone. At least, not like Minho has.

"She's amazing," he speaks slowly, and like every word shocks him. "She is so funny, and clever, and feisty, and independent. When I met her, I didn't think girls like that could exist. You know, perfect ones. Ones that make your heart stop beating. One's that made you feel things in your chest. I imagine she feels like the ocean. Vast and strong and freeing. She is every word that I've ever known Leo, and I think I've shucked this up."

I think this is her fault, but I just hold Minho. He was lied to by a beautiful girl.

"She thought I didn't love her, and I think it's crazy that I do." He must forget he is talking to me, because he speaks with such candor. Never could I speak to a stranger like that. Only, in some ways we aren't strangers. We speak the same language, and share the same feelings. "But how could I tell her how I feel when she is crying like that?"

I don't know how you tell someone you love them. Personally, I imagine it is the most vulnerable thing you can do. If I were to love someone, I don't know that I could ever say it.

"She isn't crying now," I tell him.

The door creaks open, but neither Minho nor I move from the ground. If they think we are together, then so be it. The danger at the door doesn't matter.

Maybe I'm not a coward. As far as I can tell, I would give up so much for the people I care about. The girls, the Med-jacks, Newt and now Minho, apparently.

"They need you in the Map room." Only Newt's voice sounds as strange as foreign, which solidifies my stance. He would know we aren't together. "Are... Min, are you alright?"

Minho sits up, and my arms drift off of him. "It's these girls, shank."

"Dawn?" Newt asks, and Minho nods.

Newt only stands still, before he sighs. "Dawn."

Minho stands up, and I follow him higher into the air. I am surprised he hugs me, until he whispers in my ear.

"Newt's been worried sick about you."

When Minho pulls back, he winks at me. The boy who I see everyday, may not be as kind as the one who held me while I cried, nor as sweet as the one who sat on the floor with me, but he is fun. I imagine if I ever calmed down, Minho and I would be good friends.

"I'll explain it tonight," he tells Newt. "Right now I've got to make things right."

He leaves the room without another word, which only makes me feel queasy.

"What happened?" Newt asks me.

I sigh. How do I begin to explain how we even got here, let alone what we talked about? Perhaps I'd have to begin when I followed Minho into this room, or when Dawn fought Minho, or when Newt and I caught them, or when I first found the two of them wrapped together.

"Minho and Dawn-"

"I meant to you."

Me? I look at him, feeling my pulse quicken in the back of my throat. Since when was this about me?

"You've been distant since Ella had the seizure. Are you alright?"

"She woke up," I tell him. "She's being quarantined until we can figure out why she keeps collapsing."

He shakes his head, but doesn't smile. "Leo, shank, that doesn't tell me what happened to you. How have you been holding up?"

"Okay," I tell him. "I think Michelle might have gotten into another fight yesterday, and Dawn has been distant, but it's fine now."

"You need to worry about yourself too." He tells me. "It can't just be about everyone else all the time."

That's the only way I know it. The thing is, I don't know if I have much value outside of others. I'm a Med-jack to help people who can't help themselves. It is my responsibility to protect them from themselves. Fine is my middle name. I don't know how to not be fine.

It's not even that I must be fine, and that I am not as important as others, but that I love to provide aid. As long as someone needs me, I will be there for them. I don't have time to worry about myself when I have responsibilities to others.

"Have you ever loved someone?" I'm not sure where it comes from, but I wait for his answer.

"Many times over," he tells me.

"Who?" I ask.

"Minho, Nick (who you wouldn't know), Frypan, I guess there are more but it's hard to think off of the top of my head."

I'm surprised he doesn't list Alby, since the two are thick as thieves. When Newt isn't working in the Gardens or checking in with the Med-jacks, he is practically glued to Alby's hip.

"But have you ever loved someone like Minho loved someone?" I ask.

"What does this have to do with anything?" He asks, peering at me awkwardly.

I shrug, "I just can't figure out how to love others and myself at the same time."

For a second, I think Newt is going to reach for me, but like always, he doesn't get any closer than arm's length away.

"I haven't either."

~~~~

I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

Here, you go!

I'll see you soon, in Dawn and Violence.