By the next day I felt cold as stone. Megan had managed to cut me wide open, but I was a pro at stitching myself back together. Or that's what I'd like to believe. The ache in my chest was back, amplified by the recent painful events, but I was good at hiding it. The years of practice while living with my parents really paid off in that sense.

Blair and I were currently making our way down the hall towards Megan's class and I wanted to puke. Even though she had defended me and tried explaining herself yesterday I couldn't seem to shake the image of her with Nikki. It burned and made the ache spread all over my body. Every time I looked at her that's what I saw. I hated it.

She stood at her door and I could feel the tension thicken. Blair probably felt it to because the mood between us seemed to change.

"What's going on between you and Megan?" she asked.

"She slept with Nikki." I flinched at the words.

Blair nearly fell to the ground. "What?" Why didn't you tell me?!"

Because it hurt like a bitch to think about, I thought.

I just shook my head, which Blair gratefully understood. She could tell I didn't want to talk about it, so she remained silent. I would eventually explain, just not now.

She sighed. "We'll talk about it later, okay?"

I nodded her off.

Megan spotted me but I refused to hold her gaze. I wasn't sure if the burning in my heart would ever go away, but it was unfortunately getting easier to deal with.

I walked past her without a word and spent the class in silence. She didn't bother me which was a little too predictable, but I was grateful. Maybe she had gotten the hint that I needed distance to repair. Maybe this was what was supposed to happen.

Eventually I fell asleep, Megan unable to even keep my attention anymore. But when I woke up I was alone in the classroom. She was closing the door while I still remained in my desk. Great.

She looked at me but I didn't say a thing. I needed to get out of here.

"Can we talk about the other day?"

I shrugged. Why couldn't I make myself leave?

"Are you giving me the silent treatment?"

I answered her with silence.

She took a deep breath. Was she trying not to give up on me? I wouldn't be surprised if she did. It wasn't often people fought to be in my life, and I was so good at icing people out when they hurt me. It took a special kind of person to break through my walls.

She sat in the desk in front of me. Her soft eyes reminded me so much of a clear summer day. I found that no matter how hard I tried to keep her out there was just something about her that broke me down.

But that didn't mean I would let her see that.

"I know neither of us want to talk about it, but we need to," she stated. "And I know I hurt you but Sam you can't just shut me out."

Her pleading almost worked. She was really good at sounding vulnerable, but I knew better. Plenty of people had played me into being sympathetic and had turned right back around and taken advantage of me before. No way would I let Megan do that.

"You remember how I told you I needed closure?" she asked.

I just stared.

"That night when she came over we talked about a lot. And yes, we slept together. But I think I finally got what I needed."

Hearing those words come out of her mouth burned. They stung my skin and made my heart throb with pain. But Megan was an honest person, and deep down I appreciated that.

"I realized I don't love her anymore," Megan confessed.

That was enough to alleviate most of the pain. I was finally able to look at her without wanting to crawl out of my skin. But could I forgive her? It's not like I could blame her for sleeping with Nikki in the first place. And was Megan even aware of what I felt for her? Probably not. Hell, I wasn't even fully aware.

"How do you know you don't love her?" I finally asked.

She smiled. "I just know."

"Now's not the time to be vague."

"Trust me, Sam."

"It's hard."

"I know."

I played with my hands. "So you're done with Nikki?"

"Yep."

"For good?"

"For good."

Deep down I knew why I was asking her this, but what was the point? There was a large part of me that wanted Megan to myself. Yet, I knew that would never happen. She deserved someone way better than me. She deserved someone who wasn't so damaged and lost. She deserved someone who had their life together, and that surely wasn't me.

Then there was this idea that I most certainly didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve someone so caring and gentle. I didn't deserve her love because I probably wouldn't ever be able to fully return it.

It was like fighting a losing battle. And I wish I could let it go... But for some reason I couldn't.

"We need to talk about New Years," she suggested.

"No we don't," I countered.

"You kissed me. Yes, we do."

"You kissed me back."

"I know what I did."

I took a deep breath. Heat radiated all over my body as her gaze stayed on me. No one had ever been able to make me feel this way. It made me crazy.

"Why'd you do it?" she asked.

"I was drunk and you were there," I lied.

"You did it twice."

"I can count."

I could see her growing impatient but if she expected me to admit to liking her she would be sadly disappointed.

"You're so stubborn," she admitted.

"So I've been told."

As much as I was trying to put up a front she saw right through me. The only reason that scared me was because I couldn't see through her.

Everyone had always been so transparent. Then Megan comes along and throws me for a complete loop.

"So are you saying it was just a drunken mistake?" she questioned.

"Yes," I lied.

"Really?"

I nodded. "It won't happen again."

Why did she seem to be moving closer? Was it because she knew it was impossible to resist her? Was she playing with me? I felt like she was.

She frowned. "You should know you're not a very good liar."

"I'm not lying."

Dammit it was just getting harder and harder to stay away from her. My walls were crumbling again. I would not give in. But her lips looked so good right now...

She finally leaned back into her chair and gave me space. I found myself slumping in frustration. Only for a minute had I believed she would kiss me. Then again, assuming that of Megan was pretty stupid.

"Then I guess we'll act like it never happened," she stated. Was that disappointment I heard in her voice?

"Like it never happened," I repeated.

The back and forth between Megan and I seemed endless. The push and pull was so exhausting, but what else could I do? I still didn't quite understand what I felt for her, so even the thought of admitting it was impossible. Plus, I knew even if Megan did feel anything for me it wouldn't matter because she would never tell me.

So maybe keeping my feelings to myself was the best move, even if it meant tearing up my heart in the process.

* * *

The days got colder as January came and went and actually managed to make everything I was feeling much worse. Even though Megan and I acted like everything between us was normal, deep down we both knew that wasn't true.

Every time I saw her I felt the way her lips meshed against mine. The sensation of being warm and full was still very strong. I could still vividly recall that night and there wasn't a thing I could do to forget it. It was hard to sleep because my dreams now consisted of her. A part of me preferred the nightmares in comparison to this. She was everywhere and it was driving me insane.

Yet, as crazy as it was, I still found myself holding onto her. I couldn't get rid of the small dream catcher that still hung on the railing of my headboard. I couldn't take off the stupid necklace she had gotten me for Christmas. And I couldn't stop looking for her in girls I met at Jinx.

And deep down I understood why I couldn't let her go. Yet, admitting it to myself was extremely difficult and talking to Megan outside of school was impossible. I seemed to be at a dead-end.

I was currently attempting to light a cigarette that was between my lips. The fresh February air whipped and made it difficult, but I was determined. Shawn had left Friday morning for another meeting somewhere in Florida where it probably felt a little better. I couldn't help but wish I was with him. Being alone on a Saturday evening sucked.

It wasn't until I was halfway through my cigarette when Megan's car pulled up and stopped in front of me. I blew smoke from my nose in frustration. Shawn must've sent her to check on me.

She exited her car and crossed her arms. "Hey," she greeted.

"Hey." I sucked in more nicotine. "Lemme guess, Shawn asked you to check on me?"

She revealed a guilty smile.

"Well as you can see, I'm fine," I answered cynically.

"No you're not. You're killing yourself."

That's when she walked up to me and grabbed the cigarette from between my lips. It fell to the ground and she stomped it out. My mouth hung open in shock.

"Megan, seriously?" I fumed. "That was my last one."

"When are you gonna quit?" she pressed.

When my anxiety over you decides to go away, I thought. "I'll quit when I feel like it."

"My dad used to smoke," she admitted.

I watched her. "What made him stop?"

"Doctor told him he had the beginning stages of Emphysema. He quit cold turkey."

Jeez.

"I guess you're right," I admitted.

"Of course I am. Now are you gonna invite me inside or what? It's freezing out here."

Invite her in? What for? Didn't she have other places to be?

But instead I obliged. "Uh, yeah. Sure."

She followed me to the door and entered the apartment with a smile on her face. "You know I actually miss living here."

"Really?" I didn't quite believe her.

"Yeah, it was nice not being alone all the time."

I stayed in the kitchen as she paced through the living room. Then she looked back at me with those big blue eyes that had the ability to melt the ice surrounding my heart.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been keeping my guard up around her ever since the Nikki thing. And even though she apologized, that pain never really went away. Maybe she had noticed, and this was her attempt at trying to break down those walls all over again.

"Did you have any plans for tonight?" she asked.

"Thought about going to Jinx, but Blair's having a family night," I answered.

"Too bad you're not twenty-one." She sat at the island. "Then you could just work there."

"Me? A bartender?"

She just nodded.

I pondered the thought. In all honesty, I bet that would be a good time.

"I think you'd be a great bartender," she admitted.

"You're right. Alcohol is like... my thing."

She just laughed. The warmth that radiated from her was contagious. I found myself smiling.

"Speaking of alcohol... Do you have any?" Megan wondered.

I opened the fridge. "Um, we have beer."

"That's good enough."

I gave her an odd look before pulling out two bottles.

"So why are you hanging out here of all places on a big Saturday night?" I asked.

She peered down the neck of her bottle, the smile disappearing from her face. Oh man, what did I say?

"I just didn't want to be alone."

My walls crumbled again. She didn't even have to try. They just dissolved every time she came around and allowed herself to be vulnerable to me, even when it wasn't the same on my end.

Wasn't she scared of rejection too? She made it seem like she wasn't.

"Well, lucky for you I don't want to be alone tonight either," I answered.

I could feel something in the air. The same familiar tension that settled between us every time we were alone, like a haunting ghost we continued to ignore. Was it possible that Megan was tired of lying to herself like I was and was ready to talk it out? Was that the reason she continued to linger? Or was I just delusional?

She had kissed me back that night. And at any time she could've pulled away, yet she hadn't. She had seen my reaction to Nikki being at her place. She had apologized and told me she had found closure. I had been stupid and labeled the kiss as a mistake even when we both knew it wasn't. Everything had changed and we both refused to believe it in fear of that the other didn't feel the same.

"You're awfully quiet," she claimed.

All of a sudden my will was at an all-time low. I was tired of tip-toeing around her when in reality I knew it didn't have to be this way.

"Don't you ever get tired of this?" I asked.

My question seemed to shock her. In all honesty, I had shocked myself too.

"I'm not sure I understand...?"

"Megan," I stated. "No one's around to hear us. We're not at school."

I realized how desperate I sounded but couldn't help myself. It had been over a month since the kiss and it was still like it had happened yesterday.

Megan occupied my mind twenty-four-seven, and New Years night there had been a shift in my universe. I had to know if it was the same for her.

"Sam, I don't think you understand how hard this is for me-"

"I don't understand?" I interrupted.

"Let me talk," she demanded.

I swallowed my words.

"I believe everything happens for a reason," she admitted. "But I'm having the hardest time trying to understand why I'm going through this. Why I met you and why you ended up being my student. Why no matter how hard I try to keep myself away, there's always something that brings me back to you."

I was suddenly aware of my rapid heartbeat.

She continued. "But the one thing I do understand is that you are, in fact, my student. At the end of the day, no matter what other stuff I may feel, there are still consequences. That's reality."

Just like Megan could build me up, she could also tear me down. She never made it easy because she refused to live in a fantasy world. And I could hear Blair's voice in the back of my mind telling me to admit the truth to her. To admit how I felt regardless of the consequences of reality, but Megan just made it so hard to do that.

I had always thought of myself to be fearless. But it wasn't until I had met Megan that I realized that wasn't true.

"What exactly are you trying to say?" I asked, my voice small.

Her eyes found mine. "You know exactly what I'm saying."

"I need to hear it."

I needed her to admit the truth. It was the only way I could force the truth out of myself. I needed reassurance that when I let myself fall, she would at least try to catch me.

She sighed. "No matter how much I care about you, I can't allow myself to act on it."

By this time my beer was empty. I could feel the words threatening to spill without any filter to stop them.

"Megan, I need you."

Everything was quiet as Megan stared at me. I could hear the clock ticking in the hall. Rain began to fall outside. And when I expected her to say something, to say anything¸ she didn't.

So I continued. "I need you to stop being afraid of the consequences for tonight. I need you to know I've never in my life felt like this about someone and that it terrifies me. I need you to know I've been hurt so many times that I'm numb to everything... everything except you."

Maybe she had convinced herself I would never come around. That I would never verbally admit to caring about her, yet here I was defying everything she had previously believed. She was in awe. And her walls began to crumble just like mine.

"I don't know how to do this," I admitted. "But being honest with myself seems like a good place to start."

Ninety-five percent of the time Megan had a flawless composure, but after my comments she seemed to be in a daze. That was a good thing, right?

"That night you kissed me," she started. "It wasn't just because?"

I shook my head.

I watched her take a deep breath. What was she thinking? I could tell she was scared like I was, except maybe for different reasons. Never in her life had she dealt with something like this. And never in my life had I felt this way for someone. We were both in new territory.

"Sam this wasn't supposed to happen..." she admitted.

"I know."

"If we get caught, my career-"

"So we won't get caught," I interjected.

Her stare locked with mine. What in the hell was I even agreeing to? Was I really suggesting we try the absurd idea of seeing each other outside of school? And was Megan really considering it?

"You're serious about this," she said.

I nodded. "Yeah, but I'm also really scared."

My heart felt like it was in overdrive as it banged against my rib cage. It was true, I was scared, but the other stuff I felt outweighed the fear. She could probably see the desperation in my eyes, and I was okay with that because I could see it in hers too.

Then she broke the silence. "I think I need another beer."

I grabbed both of us a refill with a nervous smile on my face. After six long months of the back and forth, me and Megan seemed to finally be on the same page