As Megan and I sat in the airport pickup waiting for Shawn I couldn't help but think about the last few weeks of October. They hadn't consisted of much other than me helping the softball girls and attempting to grow a relationship with Emma. Gratefully, Megan and Blair secretly coached me from the sidelines.

Before I could reflect much more Shawn emerged from the airport, luggage in tow behind him. He smiled when he spotted my car.

My legs darted towards him and my arms wrapped around his neck. Suddenly a small part of the emptiness I felt was whole again when he returned my gesture.

"Wow, you're hugging me. I should leave more often," he greeted.

"Shut up," I mumbled into his chest.

Megan just smiled while standing off to the side.

"It's good to know I was missed."

I pulled away. "How was New York?"

He threw his luggage into my trunk and took his place in the front seat. "Great. Everything went fantastic." He paused. "How did things go here? Anything interesting happen?"

Oh there were plenty of interesting things. I could tell him about Nikki, Megan's crazy ex showing up and me pretending to be her girlfriend. I could tell him about the nightmares that had returned. I could tell him about a lot.

"Sam got a girlfriend," Megan answered.

And then there was that.

"You what?" Shawn asked.

I nodded. "Yep. Her names Emma."

"You have a girlfriend?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's really not that big of a deal."

"It really is!" Shawn shouted. "She's gotta be pretty good for you to make it official. I'm gonna have to meet her soon."

"Don't get ahead of yourself," I ordered.

Don't get me wrong, I thought Emma was great. But of course the adjustment to being in a relationship had been hard. Like really hard.

I found it was hard not pulling away when Emma would grab my hand in the halls. It was hard when people asked me if we were really in a relationship or if Emma was just "testing out different options". It was hard when I wanted to go to Jinx and she made me feel bad for wanting to do so. And it was hard opening up to her when she would ask me certain questions. But even when things were hard, which was expected, there was also a lot of good.

I enjoyed hanging out with her outside of school where we went on dates and she helped me study. Softball practice was fun until she forced me to run laps with her and the girls, but I also loved a challenge. Going to bonfires with her and Blair was also a good time because those get-togethers were a lot more chill than the parties. And she even convinced me to attend a few football games, which was something I had never done before.

Yet I still felt as if something was missing and I wasn't sure what it was. I was sure I still didn't know what it felt like to be in love, and I was starting to believe I was incapable of feeling such a thing. Or maybe I was and had no idea.

When we got home we hung out with Shawn considering it was Sunday and there was nothing else to do but relax. Eventually Megan left us to go upstairs and work on next week's curriculum and Shawn felt the need to break some news.

"So mom called me yesterday," he revealed.

I sucked in a tight breath when I felt my chest closing in. I knew Shawn still talked to our parents, but I hadn't since leaving two years ago. I refused to do so. Not after everything they had put me through.

"She asked how you were."

I stared at the TV. "Well I hope you told her I'm fantastic."

"She also asked if you were visiting for Thanksgiving."

Just the thought of seeing my parents after so long made me want to vomit. The jumbled nerves in my stomach made it hard to think. I could feel my blood pumping through my veins and the pounding in my head. Why did this happen every time?

"I don't know," I forced.

"You should come this year," Shawn suggested. "They miss you."

"If they missed me so much they would take initiative."

"Sam you told them that you didn't want to have anything to do with them."

"And there was a reason."

He fell silent as the horrible memories began to resurface. Maybe holding a grudge was wrong, but I still hadn't forgiven them for everything after my coming out.

"Look, I won't force you to come this year," he finished. "But just know that they miss you." Then he stood. "I should start unpacking."

And with that I escaped to my room.

* * *

My body jolted awake and unfortunately this feeling was familiar. The pillow under my head was damp and my hair stuck to my forehead. I heard my bedroom door open.

"Megan I'm fine," I dismissed.

That's when Shawn appeared at the foot of my bed. "It's me."

Shit.

"Sorry I thought..." I shook my head. "It was just a bad dream."

"You haven't had one of those in a while," he stated.

Oh if he only knew.

"Yeah I know."

"You gonna be okay?" he asked.

Hopefully. I nodded. "I'll be fine."

He gave me a worried look before he trudged out of my room like a zombie. Hell, I couldn't keep having these dreams if I wanted to keep them from Shawn too. If he found out how long I've actually been having them again things would get messy.

I stared at the small dream catcher that was laced on the rails of my headboard. Obviously the thing didn't work. I don't know why I expected it to. But I found my fingers slowly untying it anyway. I grabbed a cigarette and a lighter before exiting the house. This would only take a second.

The fresh November night chilled me as the cold hit my skin. For some reason I felt renewed even when my body shivered. Hopefully taking the catcher outside and conducting Megan's weird voodoo ritual thing worked because I really needed to sleep. In the same moment I lit the cigarette between my lips.

How long did I have to stay out here anyway? Was there a set amount of time? Was I really standing out in fifty-five-degree weather with the absurd idea that this dream catcher actually worked? I was mentally insane.

"You okay?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. My cigarette fell from my mouth. "Goddammit Megan, don't do that!"

She held up her hands. "Sorry. I wanted to come down earlier but... Shawn."

I nodded. "It's fine." Except now my cig was useless.

She moved just a tad closer to me, her hair ruffled from sleep. Her clothes were wrinkled and her eyes sleepy, but I still found her captivating.

"I interrupted your smoke break?"

I sighed. "I don't want a lecture about my smoking. Not now."

"What was this one about?"

A deep breath escaped my lungs. "They're all the same in the end."

"Do you think talking to Shawn about your parents provoked it?"

She had heard us talking earlier, which wasn't surprising since she didn't have a door. Eavesdropping was inevitable.

"It's likely," I answered.

She paused for a minute before continuing. "You should go."

Now she wanted me to attend Thanksgiving dinner too. I couldn't blame her and Shawn for encouraging me to do so. They didn't know what I had to go through over there.

They hadn't endured all of the hateful language and constant isolation I had felt with my parents. They couldn't understand. But God how I wanted someone to just understand.

"You don't know anything about what I went through in that house," I answered, my voice hollow.

"You're right, but I think that's the reason you're having these nightmares."

I looked at her. "Why?"

"Because you need closure. You need an apology. You just need to talk to your parents to make them understand what you're going through."

Maybe Megan was right, but that didn't mean it would happen. My parents weren't people who did apologies. When they believed something, that was their belief and they stuck to it not matter what. That went for their views on homosexuality too. And I was sure two years hadn't changed much.

"I'm sure that could help," I claimed. "But that doesn't mean going back will guarantee anything. No telling what will happen if I do."

By now we were staring at each other. Megan's arms were crossed tightly across her chest, her body shivering slightly. Why was she even out here in the first place? She had heard Shawn comfort me. She knew I would be okay. So why was she out here suffering in the cold?

"But if going back and talking with your parents gives you the opportunity to get rid of these nightmares... wouldn't it be worth the risk?" she asked.

How long would these nightmares last if nothing changed? I was already tired almost twenty-four-seven. But just the thought of having to speak to my parents about everything made tears well in my eyes.

But I had a feeling Megan was right, and that was the scariest thought of them all.

She opened the door and I walked back into the apartment. The warmth of it all surrounded me and made me realize we couldn't stand in the cold forever. Maybe I was forcing myself to stand in the cold because I was too afraid of the warmth the inside had to offer. Or maybe I was afraid to walk back inside and realize there was no warmth anymore.

She stopped at my door. "It's alright to be scared. It means you care."

And with that she disappeared back upstairs, leaving me to work out my thoughts on my own.