After the last dream incident and Shawn finding out the paranoia about the nightmares worsened, which then caused a domino effect on my life. Since I was afraid of him finding out I also became afraid to sleep. This caused me to stay up till my body eventually shut down for a few hours at night to get some rest. In response, I quickly became tired all the time. Physically fatigued even. Of course, after Megan's class I would go home and nap but a few hours wouldn't cut it. My body was craving something I absolutely couldn't give it.

So concentrating became even harder. Interacting with people made me want to crawl out of my skin. But doing this was the only way I knew how to beat the dreams.

And I kept motivating myself by thinking about Thanksgiving break, where I could sleep all day while Shawn was away at work. Yet I could feel my mind deteriorating, and I wasn't the only one to notice. Megan noticed, Blair noticed, and Emma sensed there was something wrong but didn't know what since I wouldn't tell her. Which of course led to her believing it was something she was doing and I honestly couldn't deal with that.

So the first two weeks of November hadn't been good. At all. That was until one weekend at Blair's, where I finally discovered another way to beat the dreams.

Blair struggled with the wine opener. "Jeez, why do they make these things so hard to use?"

I walked up to her and took the wine bottle from her. "Because, they make it child proof."

"That's not funny."

I popped the cork with an arrogant smile.

"I did most of the work," she claimed.

"Just shut up and drink," I demanded, pouring us two glasses and handing one over to her.

The wine was sweet, which made it easy to go down. It was almost like drinking fruit juice. It wasn't really my favorite, but when it was free alcohol the taste didn't really matter.

I curled up in her bed and zoned in on the TV, but apparently Blair wasn't satisfied with the silence.

"So how's you and Emma?"

"Good." Or so I thought we were. I wasn't really sure anymore.

"Really?"

"Yeah I mean... just the same ole' same ole'."

This didn't satisfy Blair, and if I was being completely honest, it didn't satisfy me either.

She shifted to look at me. "So really it's not all that great from what I'm gathering."

In my opinion it was normal. We hung out, kissed, went on dates, and I got lucky quite a bit too. It was nice. But there were times where I still felt uncomfortable. Like when she asked me why I wouldn't sleep over. Or why I didn't tell her when I was having a bad day. Deep down I knew it was the dream thing, and I didn't want to tell her.

And deep down, I already knew what we were missing.

"Do you think that it's impossible for certain people to fall in love?" I asked.

Her face contorted with confusion. Had my question been that off the wall?

She shifted to look at me. "No. It's only impossible if you tell yourself that."

I rolled my eyes. "What kind of bullshit answer is that?"

"It's true."

I just sipped down the wine in response.

"It may also be impossible with the wrong person."

Great. So it was either Emma or me. Good luck finding out which one.

"I just feel that something's missing," I confessed.

Blair was watching me but I was watching the TV. It was still hard talking about things like this, even with my best friend. I couldn't force myself to meet her gaze.

"Do you want my honest opinion?"

"Shoot."

"You don't love her. You like her, don't get me wrong. You like her a lot. But it's just not the real thing."

"But how will I know what the real thing even feels like?" I asked in desperation.

"You'll just know." She took a big sip. "Trust me."

After that the rest of the night proceeded with us laughing at the movie and getting extremely drunk on her mom's wine. It wasn't until I woke up the next morning well rested that I realized I hadn't had a nightmare. What was the key component to prevent them? Had it been sleeping in Blair's room or was it something else? Could it have been the alcohol?

So the next night I found a bottle of Jack Daniels hiding in a back cabinet at Shawn's and hid it in my room. If I wanted to find a way to subdue the dreams I had to repeat the steps I had taken at Blair's. Watch a movie, get drunk until I passed out, and pray for the best.

Sunday night I did just that, and woke up just in time to shower for school. No bad dreams. I had found the answer.

* * *

"This week can't end fast enough."

I looked over and saw stress all over Blair. It was like a visible sickness.

I smiled. "Just three more days."

Tuesday was dragging for me, but the fact that I was still well rested allowed me to breathe a little better. Of course I was a little nauseous, but that was something easily dealt with. No sleep could really drive you mad.

"You seem different this week," she observed. "Have those dreams finally stopped?"

I nodded. "I think so. I haven't had one since the night I slept at your house."

No one knew about me drinking, not even Blair. I didn't want to tell her because I knew exactly what she would say. And after months of being woken up almost every night with a nightmare, it was nice to finally have some peace. Even if it was at the expense of my liver.

"That's good." She nudged me. "Maybe all you needed was a deep conversation with yours truly."

I laughed. "That's definitely it."

Another thing that was different was Emma. I could sense avoidance. She no longer met up with me after class. She kept her distance at practice and I could feel our run coming to an end. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that I had no intention for confrontation to end it.

When Megan came into my view the thought of Emma vanished. I was grateful for that because the thought of my girlfriend stressed me out.

Soft blue eyes found me and a smile stretched on her red lips. I felt myself smiling in response. Megan returned to the conversation with the teacher across the hall.

"Wow, you just went to a totally different planet."

"No I didn't," I answered a little too defensively.

"Sam, I just witnessed it with my own eyes. You gave her a genuine smile, all before noon. It was miraculous."

"Go away, please."

"Fine," she stated. "But this conversation isn't over."

"Oh it's over."

Then she was gone.

On top of me actually finding sleep and Emma ignoring me, there was something else that was changing.

It was me and Megan's relationship.

There would be instances when we would talk with each other that I found her staring at my lips. Or becoming happy when I scored myself detention. I liked being alone with her, I liked to talk to her, and I wanted to be around her all the time. And no matter how terrifying that was I couldn't seem to stop it.

I pinned it on the fact that she understood me on a more personal level than most. She shared her struggles with me, which then encouraged me to do the same. It wasn't like that with Emma because Emma couldn't relate to my problems, which was why I found it hard to open up to her.

Megan was different, and I liked it a lot.

I passed her. "Morning."

She tried not crossing the teacher boundaries. "Good morning. Are you gonna behave today or should I give you detention right now?"

I smirked. "You can do whatever you want. You're the teacher, Miss Adams."

Her face flushed with color. I could feel mine do the same. I hadn't meant to say that aloud.

"Go," she demanded, pointing into her class.

I bit my lip and walked silently to my desk. Yet, embarrassment had never tasted so sweet to me.

All through her lecture I watched her attempt not to give me more than three seconds of attention at a time. She couldn't help herself, and I found that amusing. Although, she refused to call on me even when I raised my hand to answer questions. But I was fine with it because her brief glances screamed the message loud and clear.

The bell rang to dismiss us but I found myself lingering. I knew I should leave but there was something holding me back.

"Is there a reason you aren't leaving?" she asked from her desk.

"Just hoping I can spend a few extra minutes with my favorite teacher..." I teased.

Her head tilted. "What do you want?"

"Nothing I swear."

"Liar."

"I'm not lying."

She watched me for a few seconds before sighing. "You can help me grade if you really want something to do."

"Like I said, you're my favorite."

"Stop sucking up you're not getting bonus points."

I just laughed. "That's what you think this is?"

"I know your game, Sam."

"You know nothing." I paused and began marking. "Okay but really. No bonus points at all?"

"Not one."

"Harsh."

As I sat next to her grading I could feel the tension surfacing. It was warm and made my blood pump. And when her elbow would touch mine or I would glance at her and she noticed everything kind of stopped. It was as if there was an elephant in the room that we refused to address.

She broke the silence. "You haven't had a bad dream in a while."

"Yup." It sucked not telling her the truth. "Guess your dream catcher voodoo finally started to work."

This got a laugh out of her. "It's not voodoo."

"It's voodoo."

"The closest thing to voodoo that's happened to that thing was that it was blessed by a priest."

I looked up at her. "Why?"

She shrugged. "My family's spiritual. And Lacey's death had a huge impact on us. We needed all the help we could get."

Every time she mentioned her sister I could feel the pain radiate from her. It was there but she tried her best to conceal it from me. And I had to give it to her, she was good at it, but I knew it hurt to talk about. Yet I couldn't bring myself to ask about the specifics of her dreams.

"What made the dreams stop for you?" I asked.

She took a moment and set her pen down. "When I stopped blaming myself for her death."

God I just wanted to know what had happened already. I could sense that she wanted to reveal the truth but something was holding her back. What was it? Fear?

"Why would you blame yourself for that?" I asked.

"Because," she paused, closing her eyes for a second. "It wasn't just a freak accident. It was preventable. It was so preventable and I had no idea..."

She slipped off into her own world, looking away to where I couldn't see her eyes. She softly rocked in her chair before bringing her right hand to the necklace around her neck. Not once had I seen her take that necklace off. Had that been her sister's?

"I'm sorry," she apologized.

I shook my head," Don't apologize. You have no reason to be sorry."

"I just really miss her, Sam."

The way her voice cracked let me know I should leave. I should give her time to gather herself and prepare for the next class, but I didn't want to go now. There was a guilt in my stomach for bringing it up, and a curiosity about what had happened. It hadn't been an accident. So did that mean her death was self-inflicted? Suicide?

The thought of that caused a cold chill to run down my spine.

"She misses you too," I answered, unsure of where to go. "But I would bet my life that she's watching over you and smiling at how awesome and strong of a person you've become. And I'm sure she feels sad knowing she's still causing you pain."

"If she felt bad about causing me pain she wouldn't have taken her life."

There it was. A slap in the face. A punch to the gut. The air left my body at the truth but I had seen it coming. That didn't mean it had dampened the blow.

"Megan..."

"You should go," she interrupted. "I have to prepare for my next class."

I didn't hesitate to leave even when everything in me was begging to stay. I didn't want to assume she was upset with me specifically, but rather at herself. She was still hurting over her sister and had probably believed to be over it. But from what I had just seen, that wasn't the case.

But God her sister had taken her own life? Just the thought of going through that made me want to break down. I couldn't imagine having to deal with the death of Shawn much less him doing it himself. How had Megan gotten through something like that and remained able to talk about it?

And even after I had left her classroom the conversation continued to play through my mind for the rest of the day. Not to mention the fact that it had distracted me until I had to see her again at softball practice. She probably wouldn't even talk to me.

As I walked from the parking lot to the softball field the cool, evening air hit my skin. The weather change felt nice but the whipping wind didn't allow me to enjoy it.

When I rounded the fence the girls were already warming up with Coach Lee while Megan rummaged through the equipment shed.

I took a deep breath and started towards her.

"Need some help?" I asked, grabbing her attention.

She was quiet while observing the many bats within the shed. After choosing one she turned to face me. "Actually yes, I need you to relay for me."

"Sure."

I followed her silently with a few balls in my glove, knowing we would be working with the outfielders. And it bothered me that she was so out of it, but I knew why.

She began hitting balls to the girls, the crack of the bat echoed through the air. I watched as the girl caught the ball and threw it over to me. It slapped my glove and stung a bit. I handed Megan another ball to repeat.

"Megan, I'm sorry about earlier-"

"It's fine Sam," she cut me off. "Some days are harder than others. Today was one of them."

I nodded and continued to relay. Emma stepped up next. Her gaze fell onto me for only a moment before Megan hit a ball in the air. Once she caught it she put all of her energy into her throw. The ball hit my glove and stung three times as much as the other girls. Was she trying to tell me something?

"Damn," Megan voiced. "Is Emma mad at you or something?"

"Apparently so," I answered.

"What'd you do?"

"Not sure."

"Well if you don't know why she's mad then it's probably something you did."

I rolled my eyes. "That makes no sense."

"That's how girls are."

The more I thought about it the more I realized I knew what was wrong with Emma. It was the fact that I was keeping stuff from her. She felt as if I was hiding, and that obviously didn't settle well.

"I think there's multiple things that may be bothering her," I confessed.

"Like?"

"For one, I refuse to sleep over at her house, and I think she takes that the wrong way. When in reality it's because I don't want her to know about the nightmares. And up until recently I had been a walking zombie because of them. So I would barely interact with her."

"Well why don't you tell her about them?" Megan advised. "That's what you're supposed to do in a relationship anyway."

"She won't understand."

"How do you know?"

"Because," a ball landed in my glove, "She just won't."

Megan sighed and continued to hit to the girls in silence. Emma's throws getting harder and harder. Jeez, what was she trying to prove?

Megan finally responded. "Either you learn to open up to her or break it off. A healthy relationship can't be built on kept secrets."

I knew she was right, but breaking it off meant possibly hurting her. I didn't want that. And I hated confrontation.

"Blair said it's because I don't love her."

Oh God, why had I said that? As soon as the sentence left my mouth I regretted it.

This caused Megan to hesitate her next hit. I watched her go to glance at me but she stopped herself. Why had she reacted like that? As if me admitting it wasn't embarrassing enough. Now she had to go and act all freaked out.

She didn't speak to me for the rest of practice either, which made something sink in the pit of my stomach. It hadn't been that big of a deal, right? I mean so what if I had confessed I didn't love Emma to Megan. We were friends. She had even told me about her sister's death earlier today! Which I found was more personal than this. So what was her deal?

I tried my best not to take Megan's reaction to heart, but I found it impossible.

So I finished picking up before the girls were dismissed, seeing this as my chance to corner Emma. She had avoided me long enough and I wouldn't let her leave without giving me answers. And if we ended up breaking it off then so be it.

She spotted me waiting near her car, a look of dread crossing her face. I knew I would have to be the one to initiate conversation.

"So was there a reason you were trying to burn a hole through my glove earlier?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Just a bad day."

I tilted my head. "Really? Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you don't talk to me about anything personal."

Well, at least she was honest.

"Emma, you know I try-"

"No, you don't," she interjected. "You don't try Sam, and I'm done trying too. I knew I should've just left you alone a long time ago."

She went to leave but I held her car door shut. "So why didn't you?"

"Because you didn't let me!"

Her voice cracked, and I knew she had too. She was right. I had initiated the relationship by convincing her not to jump to Shay's conclusions. Although, at the time I had believed our relationship would've been better than what it had become.

"I didn't make you agree," I whispered.

She shook her head. "You're right. You didn't. But I did because I love-" She stopped. I stopped. The world seemed to stop.

A small whisper escaped my lips. "Emma..."

My hand must've fallen from her door in the moment because she took her chance to escape. I was dumbfounded by the last thing she had said. There seemed to be a hole in my lungs making it hard to breathe. Or was it just the cold?

I must've stood in the parking lot for about ten minutes staring at the end of the road where her car had disappeared. She had said she loved me. And yeah, she may have caught herself... but she had said it.

No one had ever told me that before. And now I was convinced I had lost the only person who probably would.