Why had I agreed to this? After everything I had gone through and the years I had avoided my childhood home, here I was riding passenger next to Shawn on Thanksgiving morning.

My hands shook in my lap while I gazed out the window. I was trying to picture what I would be walking into but after two years I was stumped. Would the living room look different? Was my old bedroom still there like I had never left? Were mom and dad even expecting me to show?

The more I thought about it the harder it became not to open my door and hurl myself into the road. So far my week-long break had been quiet, and now I was about ten minutes from disrupting the calm.

"Megan told me she found an apartment," Shawn said, breaking the silence.

I tried not to let him see my face. "Oh really? That's good."

"I guess so, but it seems a bit sudden."

I played dumb. "What do you mean?"

"I mean she went from not being able to pay any bills to moving out in a week." He paused and looked at me. "Would you have any idea why?"

I refused to look at him. "Beats me. Maybe she just needs more space."

More space from me, I thought. Guilt threatened to spill from my mouth. I swallowed it.

Shawn pulled up into the driveway of my old home. I felt my skin burning. My hands were shaking more than ever. The pounding in my chest was so loud I was sure Shawn could hear it. I made no sudden movement to leave the safety of his car.

For a moment I studied the house in silence. They had painted the door. It used to be red, the same color as the shutters. Now it was white. The swing on the porch was gone too. I wondered when they had decided to take it down. Dad and I used to talk a lot on that swing.

"Hey." Shawn's hand landed on my shoulder. "It's gonna be okay. I'm here. Mom and dad will be happy to see you."

I just gave a small nod before following him to the front door. When he knocked I felt bile rise up my throat. After two entire years of not even speaking to my parents, I was about to come face to face with them.

I heard the door knob jiggle and all the air in my lungs left.

Dad came into view first. I couldn't help but think he looked grayer than the last time I had seen him. He had always been rough around the edges, but there was a sadness in his eyes that made him look older.

It took him a minute to realize that it was actually me standing on his front porch. Then he walked outside and embraced me without a word.

Usually my body fought against hugs, or any type of embrace really. It was almost instinct. Yet, with dad's arms wrapped around my shoulders I don't think I could've fought it even if I wanted to. It was warm and gentle. Something I hadn't experienced in a long time, especially from my own father.

"Sam..." he spoke, his voice cracking. I didn't know what to do.

"Hey dad," was all I was able to mutter.

That's when mom emerged from the house, coming to see what was taking dad so long at the front door. Her eyes caught mine and the world seemed to stop. Dad pulled away and suddenly I felt exposed. Cold as stone.

My body was automatically on defense. But mom stepped closer, the same sadness in her eyes as dad. Except she didn't move in for a hug. She just stood there, looking at me and taking it all in. She recognized me right? I hadn't changed that much in two years. Although I probably looked a lot healthier than when I had left.

"I didn't think you would come," she stated.

Hey, me neither, yet here I was.

I shrugged. "Holidays aren't fun alone."

A small smile hinted on her lips but she looked away. "Come inside, it's too cold to stay out here."

The hole in my heart that ached every day of my life wasn't aching at the moment. It was like I could breathe for a second. As if everything had returned to normal. But I knew better. Nothing was normal anymore. There was still a lot of damage that needed to be fixed, but one step at a time.

Family lingered in the halls and the living room, greeting me and Shawn as we made it through the house. It still smelt the same, except with a hint of cooking turkey coming from the kitchen. It felt like home but didn't at the same time.

At first it felt like I was giving a presentation in front of a class. Everyone was looking at me with expressions I couldn't read. Did they know why I had left? I hadn't told them. So if they knew it wasn't my fault. But after a while of having small conversations with my aunts, uncles, and cousins they realized I wasn't as different as when I had left.

Eventually the nerves and everyone's attention got the best of me and I snuck away upstairs, along with the glass of wine my aunt had offered me. I stood outside my old bedroom, the tension of opening the door was getting the best of me.

Was everything the way I had left it? The day I had left I only packed necessities and had never come back for the rest. I couldn't. Were they still there?

I opened my door and flicked on the light. My bed was made to perfection, which wasn't because of me. That was definitely mom's doing. I walked to the dresser on the far side of the room, the one that held memorabilia. My first home run softball. The picture of me and my car on my sixteenth birthday. A wooden cross I had left behind on purpose.

"Sam, come here!" My mom screamed from the living room. Great. What had I done this time?

I joined her. "What?"

"Father called and told me you weren't in mass," she stated.

"Yeah well, I didn't feel like getting my weekly dose of brainwashing today," I jabbed.

Okay, that was a little harsh. But honestly being in the whole after school Catholic program was just an annoyance. Plus, none of my friends went.

"What did you just say?" she fumed.

"Exactly what you heard."

I knew I was over-stepping, but I did this often. Ever since coming out mom had changed, including her attitude on freedom. She then enrolled me into this stupid program I now refused to go to.

"Give me your keys. You're grounded until further notice."

I stepped back. "Mom, seriously? I was just grounded last week!"

"You know I'm trying Sam! I'm trying to make you see that your lifestyle isn't healthy-"

"My lifestyle?"

"You heard me! Now give me your keys!"

"This isn't fair!"

She stepped closer. "Sam I swear if you don't give me your keys-"

"Or what, mom? You'll ground me? Take away my car? My friends? Hell, you've already taken away my life!"

A hard slap crossed my cheek. My eyes watered from the sting but I refused to cry. My jaw flexed in pain. Unfortunately, this happened often, but this one I hadn't expected.

"Now give me your damn keys."

"Fuck you," I stepped back, my foot catching the rug. I felt my body lose balance as I stumbled backwards. My back hit the coffee table. The sound of glass shattering filled my ears. Sharp pains exploded all over as it sliced my skin.

"Sam?"

I snapped out of my memory and saw mom at my bedroom door.

"What are you doing up here?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Just needed to be alone."

I watched her move closer to me, the same sad look in her eyes. What was she so sad about? I was here on Thanksgiving spending time with the family. She should be happy, right?

"Sam I just..." She paused. What was she trying to say? "I'm sorry. Really, I am."

Mom was a quiet woman, unless you pissed her off of course. She wasn't the one for confrontation. She was the go-with-the-flow kind. Apologizing never happened, even when she was wrong. This shocked me.

I nodded. "It's okay."

"No, it's really not."

We fell silent, which was awkward at first. I didn't know what she wanted me to do. Say I forgave her? Truth was I hadn't. It would probably take more than "I'm sorry" to do that.

"I talk to Father a lot about you. About us and our relationship."

Oh really? I knew mom was a traditionalist, and I knew exactly what Father knew about me. I didn't like the fact that she still went talk to him.

"Yeah? And what does he say?"

The tone of my voice changed. I already knew what was coming. I should go before she got the chance to ruin my day.

"The darkness that lives with you, he said that's why we don't have a relationship. Sam I just want my little girl back..."

Nothing hurt worse than this. I thought she would've changed. That she would've evolved into a better and more open-minded person when I left. I had expected too much of her and she had failed me.

"Mom, the reason we don't have a relationship is because of this right here." I could feel the tears welling on my water line but I blinked them away. "We don't have a relationship because I can't be around people who refuse to love me for me."

"I do Sam! But I don't agree with your choices-"

"It's not a choice mom!" I yelled. I had snapped. The tears rolled down my cheeks but I wouldn't sob. "It's who I am and I can't change it! I tried to change! I tried to change for you and it almost killed me!"

I went to leave but she grabbed my arm. "Sam I'm trying..."

I yanked away from her. "Well then try harder."

I left her in my room and found Shawn, grabbing his arm. "I need to leave. Now."

He didn't hesitate, telling everyone goodbye before he followed me to his truck. I couldn't stop the tears. Raindrops touched the top of my head before I escaped into the vehicle.

God, how stupid of me to even think mom would ever change. She was just as stubborn and ignorant as I remembered. I hated her. I hated her so much and I never wanted to see her again.

"Sam what happened?"

"Don't," I stated. "I don't want to talk about it."

He got the hint, probably feeling guilty for influencing me to tag along. I should've known better. I shouldn't have gotten my expectations up.

When we got home I grabbed my keys and headed straight for the door. I needed to drive. To feel the speed. I needed to feel something other than this.

Shawn stood at the door. "Where are you going?"

"Ride."

"Sam it's starting to rain..."

"Please Shawn." It was becoming hard to breathe. The longer I stayed here the worse it got. "I'll be back. I just need to get out."

There was a look in his eyes that told me he didn't want to let. He was concerned and I didn't blame him. But he was also my brother, and he understood sometimes I just needed to go.

"Be back before dark," he ordered. "Please."

I just nodded and hopped into my car. I felt as if I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. If anything, this would make the dreams worse. There wasn't a doubt in my mind about that. Shawn and Megan were wrong. This time they were wrong, and now I was going to suffer.

The rain started to fall harder but it didn't matter. I could feel tears running down my face as my radio blared some Stevie Nicks song. God why did it hurt so much?

I pressed on, feeling the growl of my engine. The vibration soothed me but it didn't stop the aching. What would stop the aching? More alcohol? Cigarettes? Death?

I shook my head at the thought. No. That wasn't an option. I wouldn't take the easy way out. There was something better at the end of this long tunnel. I knew that. But I didn't know how much more I could be pushed.

The streets were empty and I was grateful. The rain started to fall harder. Oh man I shouldn't have traveled so far from home. Going this fast really put in some distance.

That's when my phone dinged from the passenger seat. I looked over and saw a text. It was from Megan.

I reached and accidentally hit my wheel. My car began to drift. It was hydroplaning. Oh no. I let off of the gas and refused to hit the brake. That would only make it worse. But my car was top heavy, and it began to spin. I grabbed my wheel and tried to correct but overdid it.

That's when I hit the brakes and hoped for the best. The side of my car slammed into the metal rail bordering the median. My head jerked and hit against the glass of my window.

Everything went black.