Hi Ella. I have a serious case of depression.

My mom and I aren't on the same page at all. Sure I have many other family members, but I never want to burden them with my problems. I laugh and smile all the time at school, being told how happy and carefree I seem to be, when in reality, whenever my mom and I have a fight, I lock my self in the bathroom and cry. My eyes are dull now. I know, how do you know? I just know. They don't seem happy anymore. They seem almost dead and really tired. But I just tell everyone I stay up late.

I tell everyone I'm fine, when I don't even seem to believe it. Before, I used to be genuinely happy, almost all the time. I used to be the energetic, happy, without worries, jumping all around the joint type of person.

But now, I have to pretend to be happy just so people wouldn't be suspicious. Before I use to be super energetic, but now I barely sign up for anything, I lazy around, I sleep more than I should (to the point one of my friends is concerned and almost caught scent of my depression), I cry almost every day, and once a month I think about how the world would be like without me. Would anyone be sad? Actually sad?

Of course, I shut the thoughts down almost instantly, but still. I try thinking positively, I try smiling more, but I'm becoming more and more of a pessimist. I hate it!

I wanna be the me I was before so badly, but I've forgotten how to. And I don't tell others because I don't want them to be burdened and I don't want them hovering over me, looking at me in that way as if I'm going to break. I want to be strong and independent and that's how I show it, but really, I'm dying inside.

I don't want attention. I wanna go back to how I was. Please, tell me what to do.

Depression is not something where there is a quick fix for it, recovering will take time and effort. To get back to being your normal self, you've got to start finding things that make you smile now. It doesn't have to be stuff that made you happy in the past, maybe you'll find a new hobby that makes you smile, a movie that brings you joy, something that makes you smile.

Talk to someone you trust about the way you're feeling, maybe a school counsellor or an adult you trust. Don't feel like you're burdening people, because I'm sure that if you tell them they will just want to help. Keeping these feelings bottled up inside you isn't healthy, and talking about them to someone else will give you slight relief from them.

Seeking help is not the same as seeking attention, and know that just because you ask for help doesn't mean you're weak. To get through this you're going to need at least one person by your side who you tell things to.

It will be slow, trust me it will seem pointless at times, but recovery will come eventually.