the broken farm.
if i asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?

ALL throughout the farm, the only sound that could be heard was the sound of Octavia crying.

Everyone stood in shock as they watched the strong girl known at Octavia Winchester break down for the first time since they've met her. They were actually beginning to think that she didn't have human emotions, but this changed their whole perspective over her, and it made them feel guilty for the bad things they once said about her.

One by one, all the walls that Octavia had built over the years began to fall. They fell and they fell, and they crashed.

Looking up through her eyelashes, even though she shouldn't of, her teary eyes came in contact with Alex's dead dull blue ones that were once brown.

Another sob escaped her and she felt her chest constrict, making it hard to breathe. Her hands were shaking so violently that it was hard for anyone to not notice. But, Octavia ignored the shaking of her hands, and her erratic breathes, and continued to look at Alex's dead body.

"No," was the first word to come out of her mouth - it was shaky and soft, too soft for anyone to hear it. "No!" She screamed, bending over, grabbing a handful of hair, and she began rocking back and forth.

This was the first death that she was attached to since the beginning of the apocalypse. You would think that with her life, she would be accustomed to death, but, it didn't soften the blow whatsoever. It continued to break her more and more each time, and sooner or later, there will be nothing left of her.

A scream then pierced through the air, jerking Octavia out of her terrifying thoughts. Her eyes landed on Beth who was trapped in the hold of one of the walker's that littered the ground in front of her.

On instinct, forgetting about what just happened, Octavia jumped into action, and bolted forward, grabbing the axe that Shane dropped on the way.

She slammed it into the walker's head, sending it reeling back violently, it's body making a loud thump sound as it came in contact with the harsh ground. But, she didn't stop there. No. She continued to bash the walker in the head with the axe over and over again, blood splaying everyone, specifically all over her face, but she didn't care. She was letting out all her hurt and anger into her swings.

The squishing noise that was made when the axe slammed into the walker and Octavia's grunts were the only thing heard. Everyone stood back in complete shock. They couldn't believe that one second, Octavia was violently sobbing, then she was angrily killing a walker.

Octavia screamed as the axe came down onto the walkers already mutilated body, ignoring everyone around her, her ears feeling like they were full of static. All she could focus on was the walker right in front of her.

IT was hours later, and after Octavia had gathered her thoughts and feelings, that they began digging the graves for all the people - walkers - that were put down today.

After many occasions where her brothers and her had to dig out graves, this time was the most difficult. Her body did not want to dig out a grave for a little girl. A little girl who won't be able to grow up and have kids of her own. She was only seventeen, she had barely lived. She didn't get to do a lot of stuff with her life,

Still, she continued to dig.

After her already breaking down like she had, she needed to put herself together, well, at least hold herself together in front of them. It wasn't like her to just give into her emotions in front of people like that, especially people she barely knew. It just wasn't her to show emotion.

She groaned, wiping sweat from her forehead. Her hair was dirty and matted down to her face from all the sweat and blood. A thin layer of sweat covered her body, laying over top the already existing layer of dirt and grim.

They were all switching so that they could have small breaks to be able to catch their breathes, but she continued to work because she wasn't tone to quit. She was the person to push herself too far.

She wasn't about to fail, especially not after failing Carl and now Alex who was just another innocent life that was taken from this world to early.

It made her wonder where Jody and Claire was seeing as Alex would never be out on her own i this world, unless that was how she died.

Shaking her head, Octavia felt her eyes water, so she knew that she needed to calm down or else she would break down again.

Once the grave was done, she got up out of it, threw the shovel down onto the ground, and swiftly made it into the farm house, ignoring everyone's worried looks.

SHE wanted to cry, yell, scream, sob and throw a fit. But, she didn't do that. What she did do was let out a few tears.

Closing her eyes, more tears fell from the prison that was her body.

Even though she tried her best to not break down, but she couldn't hold in the water-flow anymore. She had to let it all go or she would break.

Walking into the bathroom, she locked the door behind her. She turned to the mirror and looked at her reflection.

Red could be seen throughout her raven black hair. Blood was splattered all over her face, some of it was even smeared thanks to wiping her face a lot. There was barely even a small speck of flesh that wasn't covered in dirt, blood or grim. Her eyes had large bags from underneath them thanks to the recent events and to having nightmares about every time she closed her eyes.

Letting out a scream, she lunged her fist towards the mirror, punching it. Glass went everywhere, more so into her knuckles than anywhere else

Ignoring the pain and the blood, she pealed her sweaty and dirty clothes off her body, and she looked at herself. Her stomach was a lot flatter than it had before - her ribs more prominent, and her scars were as visible as ever.

Reaching up, she touched the fading hand mark that she got from Castiel when he raised her from perdition - his words, not hers.

Jumping into the shower, she turned it on steaming hot. She barely felt the water as it hit her due to all of her being numb. Her body was numb because of all the digging she did, and she was mentally numb. She was so sick of losing people.

Falling to the bottom of the tub, she pulled her knees to her chest, allowing more tears to fall free from the cages that were her eyes.

Alex deserved none of this. She deserved to grow old and have kids. She deserved to be a grandparent. She deserved a lot of things, but no, she had to die in this shitty world.

A few more minutes later, she got out of the shower due to the water going cold on her, cleaned the wound on her hand due to punching the mirror, and got ready before walking out of the bathroom.

BETH had fainted and the only person who had any clue on how to help her, was gone.

And that led to now.

Octavia, having to bury her feelings, joined Glenn and Rick on a trip to find Hershel who had disappeared soon after the funeral.

They approached the only place that hadn't looked in - the bar. Rick turned to glance back at Glenn and Octavia, his worried blue eyes gazing at the raven haired girl longer than they should've. He honestly felt bad for her and felt bad for judging her too early before even knowing one thing about her.

Nodding, Rick kicked the door in, and when they walked in, they immediately saw an already tipsy Hershel sitting at the bar, drinking what looked like bourbon.

"Hershel," Rick called calmly.

There was brief hesitation before Hershel put the glass down. "Who's with you?" He asked without turning around, his voice void of emotion.

"It's just Glenn, Octavia, and myself," Rick answered walking towards the old man.

Octavia sighed, looking at the old man who poured himself more bourbon. "How many have you had?"

"Not enough."

"Hershel, you need to come home," Octavia stated, getting straight to the point, her voice a little raspy. "Your daughter's need you. Beth needs you. She collapsed and she's in some sort of state," she explained. "She's in shock and I think you are too."

"Maggie's with her?" Hershel asked, not seeking that concerned.

"Yeah, but Beth needs you," the asian, Glenn, stated, frowning

"What could I do?" Hershel asked. "She needs her mother. Or rather to mourn like she should've done weeks ago. I robbed her of that. I see that now." Hershel took another swig of his drink.

"You thought there was a cure. Can't blame yourself for holding out for hope," Rick told him, glancing back at Glenn and Octavia.

"Hope?" Hershel asked. "When I first saw you running across my field with your boy in your arms, I had little hope he would survive," He told Rick, honestly.

"But he did," Rick stated, pursing his lips.

"He did." Hershel nodded his head, looking down at the glass cup in his hand. "Even though we lost Otis. Your man Shane made it back and we saved your boy. That was the miracle that proved to me miracles do exist. Only it was a sham, a bait and switch. I was a fool, Rick, and you people saw that," Hershel explained, his blue eyes displaying sadness, sorrow and guilt. "My daughters deserve better than that."

"So, what do we do? Just wait for him to pass out?" Glenn questioned, glancing between both Rick and Octavia.

"Just go. Just go!" Hershel shouted, looking over his shoulder at them.

"I promised Maggie I'd bring you home safe," Rick spoke up, his eyes hard and determined. He wasn't going to give up without a fight. Hershel scoffed and went back to drinking.

Octavia growled in annoyance and anger. "So what's your plan? Finish that bottle? Drink yourself to death and leave your girls alone?" Flashbacks of her father going out to a bar almost every night and leaving her and her brother's alone for days on end entered her mind.

Hershel got up angrily and stormed towards her, making her flinch slightly, getting flashbacks of her ex Jack storming towards her, a fist raised.

"Stop telling me how to care for my family, my farm. You people are like a plague! I do the Christian thing, give you shelter, and you destroy it all!"

"The world was already in bad shape when we met," Rick told him, standing tall, pushing Octavia behind him due to seeing the terrified look on her face.

"And you take no responsibility! You're supposed to be their leader!" Hershel yelled at him, spit flying out of his mouth because of how angry he was.

"Well, I'm here now, aren't I?" Rick asked him angrily, throwing his hand up in the air.

"Yes. Yes, you are," Hershel replied, taking a seat.

"Now, come on. Your girls need you now more than ever," Rick told him, but Hershel shoved him away.

"I didn't want to believe you. You told me there was no cure, that these people were dead, not sick. I chose not to believe that. But when Shane shot Lou in the chest and she just kept coming, that's when I knew what an ass I'd been, that Annette had been dead long ago and I was feeding a rotten corpse! That's when I knew there was no hope. And when that girl came out of the barn, the look on your face..." Hershel trailed off in his rant, glancing at Octavia who took a step back, clenching her jaw as she tried not to cry.

"I knew you knew it, too. Right?" He asked, speaking more towards Octavia rather than Rick. "There is no hope. And you know it now, like I do. Don't you?" He asked. "There is no hope for any of us."

"You're being pathetic, Hershel," Octavia spat at the old man, all the flashbacks of her dad giving up on life flashed through her mind. "I am so done with this bullshit!" Too much was happening in a short amount of time and it was messing with her mind.

Rick stepped forward. "Nothing has changed. Death is death. It's always been there, whether it's from a heart attack, cancer, or a walker. What's the difference? You didn't think it was hopeless before, did you? Now there are people back at your home trying to hang on. They need us, even if it's just to give them a reason to go on, even if we don't believe it ourselves. You know what? This... this isn't about what we believe anymore. It's about them."

Octavia smirked towards Rick - no wonder everyone wanted him to be the leader, why everyone looked towards him for answers. He was obviously the best person to be the leader, no one else.

Hershel looked at him, drank the rest of his drink, and then sat it down, ready to leave.

That was when the door opened.

"Son of a bitch. They're alive!" The skinnier guy exclaimed, grinning, his arms raised.

Octavia turned around, her hand going straight to the her gun which was in her pants waist.

After a moment of silence and heated glares, the guy walked over to the bar and poured himself a drink. "I'm Dave. That scrawny-looking douche bag there is Tony," He gestured to the fat guy who was looking at all of them with narrowed eyes.

"Eat me, Dave," Tony hissed.

"Hey, maybe someday I will," Dave replied then turned back to the group. "We met on I-95 coming out of Philly. Damn shit-show that was."

"I'm Glenn," Glenn introduced himself. "It's nice to meet some new people." He sent them a small smile.

"Rick Grimes," Rick introduced himself too, giving Octavia a brief look, wanting to see her reaction to these people.

"How about you, pal? Have one?" Dave asked, gesturing towards Hershel.

"I just quit," Hershel replied, giving him a brief glance.

"You've got a unique sense of timing, my friend." Dave let out a humorless chuckle.

"What about you, cutie?" Dave asked, looking Octavia up and down, making her glare at him.

"None is your damn business," she spat, her lips turning up into a snarl,

"His name's Hershel. He lost people today, a lot of them," Rick told them, introducing Hershel before Dave could speak up. "And she's Octavia. She lost someone today, too."

Octavia growled, crossing her arms as she glared at Rick. Hearing it aloud felt like a punch to her gut - she did lose someone today.

"I'm truly sorry to hear that. To better days and new friends. And to our dead... may they be in a better place." Dave made a sad face, and he and Rick took a shot. That was when he twisted his body and the group saw the gun in his pants waist.

"Not bad, huh?" He asked as he held the gun out. "I got it off a cop."

"I'm a cop," Rick replied, not looking amused.

"This one was already dead," Dave told him with a grin.

"You fellas are a long way from Philadelphia." Rick changed the topic, taking another shot.

"It feels like we're a long way from anywhere," Dave replied.

"Well, what drove you South?" Glenn questioned, leaning up against the bar.

"Well, I can tell you it wasn't the weather. I must've dropped 30 lbs. In sweat alone down here," Dave explained, his lips twitching up.

"I wish," Tony commented.

"No, first it was D.C. I heard there might be some kind of refugee camp, but the roads were so jammed, we never even got close. We decided to get off the highways, into the sticks, keep hauling ass. Every group we came across had a new rumor about a way out of this thing," Dave explained, his eyes twinkling as he gazed at Octavia, more so the little skin that was showing - she had pants with holes in them around her thighs.

Octavia narrowed her eyes and clenched her jaw, wanting to punch him in the face.

"One guy told us there was the coast guard sitting in the Gulf, sending ferries to the islands," Tony explained.

"The latest was a rail yard in Montgomery running trains to the middle of the country... Kansas, Nebraska," Dave informed them, shrugging.

"Nebraska?"

"Low population, lots of guns."

"Kinda makes sense," Glenn commented.

"Ever been to Nebraska, kid?" Dave asked Glenn, smirking. "A reason they call 'em flyover states." He chuckled. "How about you guys?"

"Fort Benning, eventually," Rick told him, his shoulders tense, and he continued to gaze around the room.

"I hate to piss in your cornflakes, officer, but... we ran across a grunt who was stationed at Benning. He said the place was overrun by lamebrains," Dave said, playing with his fingers.

Octavia crossed her arms. She knew it was too good to be true.

"Wait, fort Benning is gone? Are you for real?"

"Sadly, I am," Dave said, nodding his head. "Oddly, the truth is there is no way out of this mess. Just keep going from one pipe dream to the next, praying one of these mindless freaks doesn't grab a hold of you when you sleep."

"If you sleep," Tony interrupted.

"Yeah, it doesn't look like you guys are hanging your hats here. You holed up somewhere else?" Both guys looked at the group which narrowed eyes, looking them up and down.

"Not really," Rick replied nonchalantly.

"Those your cars out front?"

"Yeah." Rick nodded his head. "Why?"

"We're living in ours. Those look kinda empty, clean. Where's all your gear?" Dave asked, shrugging his shoulders a little. He was starting to ask too many questions.

"We're with a larger group out scouting, thought we could use a drink," Hershel replied to him, and Octavia mentally sent him a praise.

"A drink? Hershel, I thought you quit," Dave joked, grinning. "Well, we're thinking of setting up around here. Is it safe?"

"It can be, although I have killed a couple of walkers around here," Octavia informed them, straightening her back as both guys turned to stare at her in sync.

"Walkers? That what you call them?" Dave asked. "That's good. I like that. I like that better than lamebrains. More succinct."

"So, what... you guys set up on the outskirts or something? That new development? Trailer park or something?" He questioned, then paused. "A farm?" He started singing the Old McDonald farm song. Tony walked to the other side of the bar and started to pee. "Is it safe? It's gotta be. You got food, water?"

Octavia clenched her hands down at her side as her heart beat erratically against her chest. They needed to leave and now.

"You got cooze? Ain't had a piece of ass in weeks," Tony stated, looking back at Octavia.

She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself, her face contorting into that of disgust and fear. What if these guys killed Rick, Glenn, and Hershel, and had their way with her?

"Listen, pardon my friend." Dave started rubbing his forehead. "City kids... they got no tact. No disrespect. So listen, Glenn-"

"We've said enough," Rick stayed sternly. Tony making that comment about Octavia is what drew the line, especially seeing the look that crossed her face afterwards. He knew that look - he's seen it on a lot of girls who had been abused by boyfriend's that he had to take in.

"Well, hang on a second. This farm... it sounds pretty sweet." Dave held his hands up. "Don't it sound sweet, Tony?" He asked his friend who was still staring at Octavia in hunger.

"Yeah, real sweet," Tony commented.

"How about a little Southern hospitality? We got some buddies back at camp, been having a real hard time," Dave told them, trying way too hard to know the whereabouts of their group.

"We can't take in any more," Octavia spat, wanting to leave as fast as she possibly could.

Tony banged his fist on the bar counter, his eyes wide in anger. "Bullshit!"

Rick stood straighter and placed himself in front of Octavia. "Calm down!"

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Tony screamed. "Don't ever tell me to calm down. I'll shoot you four assholes in the head and take your damn farm!"

Octavia clenched her teeth, his last words drawing the last straw for her. "Oh, shut up, bastard!" She whipped out her gun and shot Tony straight in the head, blood splattering on the mirror that was behind him. Rick quickly shot Dave in the chest twice and then the head to make sure that he wouldn't come back.

The four of them stood there, looking at the dead bodies.