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"I don't like crying and shit."

"I'm not crying, you are." I spoke as I looked at him , my eyes welled up with tears.

"Callister—"his voice faded as my eyes zeroed on the little piece of cloth in my palm, it was more than an ordinary garment. It belonged to someone I'd never know, someone I'd never meet, never touch, never hold. But then why was I crying for a tiny stranger. Why was I clutching onto the sock for my dear life, as if I'd turn to ashes the moment I let go of it and take a part of me away with it.

Was I really grieving the loss of a little life?

Or, the loss of my husband?

I felt selfish in that moment. I felt disgusting.

All the screaming silence, the late night terrors, the never enough hate, the hollowness his eyes held, the ever living being that Asher was crumbled down to this moment. To her. A child. A daughter. His daughter.

The daughter he'd lost. The unrequited love he had, that he couldn't give her.

Asher. A father.

I blinked, my tears rolling freely as I stared at my palm, my thumb rubbing back and forth on the soft fabric.

Did it still smell like her?

Did it still remind him of her as it did the first time he saw it?

Did it hurt the same?

Does time heal or break?

I didn't want to believe the healing capabilities of time as I looked up at the broken man holding back his tears, so determined to not show a speck of emotion yet everything was written down fluently on his face. The deep, deep wound he went around hiding, nothing compared to the scars scattered on his torso.

I had so many questions.

When? How? Where? Why?

But I said nothing.

"Callister, say something." He whispered, his eyes held fear and child-like curiosity.

"Do you want a hug, Grayson?" I sniffled before standing up and almost throwing myself on his sturdy frame. I knew he'd catch me. I always knew. His arms went around my body like a deadly vine encasing me strongly, choking me in it's grip but I wasn't complaining.

I was crying. Crying like a baby. The dampness on my neck told me he was crying too.

I was scared to let go. I was scared of what could happen.

The loss of a life is incomparable to any other kind of pain. Each life holding it's own unique traits, each life owning a part of someone else's heart. When your fears turn into reality you realise how much pain your mind and body is capable of bearing. How much you hate to be what you are. All you wanted was something simple but life throws you are curveball and snatches away everything it could in seconds.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I asked.

"I felt like a fraud. I hated you." His grip tightened on me, "I hated you for barging yourself into my life, into my house, into my daughter's room or what it used to be. Sleeping on the couch I spent restless nights hoping it was all a bad dream and one day id wake up and she'd be in her crib, sleeping, but it was always empty. You made them room yours, you didn't even ask." Asher seethed.

"I did." I whispered.

"No Sophie, you didn't, it's not just the room I'm talking about, you just walked in somewhere you didn't belong and expected something from me that I couldn't give you. You wanted colours, flowers, fairy tales and all the shit. I had none." His grip tightened on me before he let me go.

I swayed back, catching myself in the moment, suddenly I was cold and clueless.

"Why did you tell me now?" I said gulping on the lump in my throat.

"Because sometimes I want to give you all the colours, flowers and fairy tale shit, goddamn it. Because sometimes you make me think of the future, even if it's just having breakfast with you tomorrow, or buying you a gelato, or watching you just watching you..." He sighed running a hand through his hair defeatedly.

I stood there like a dear caught in headlights.

"It's you, it's your fault. I don't want a future. But I crave it with you." Asher continued and my heart thudded loudly in my chest. So loud, I was afraid he'd hear the Chaos in my chest.

"I lost the only thing I ever loved. There was no light once she was gone. I went from the happiest person to ever live to questioning my existence everyday yet I couldn't bring myself to finish the sufferings all at once. All I ever wanted was to be her dad. Violet's dad. I imagined a house full of mess and love, just the two of us.
I don't understand love but with her, I knew what love was since day one like I knew it all along. 27 years of my life didn't feel wasted when I held her. I hated you because I thought less about her when I was around you, it made me feel guilty as if I was forgetting her, replacing the ache with the feeling you brought until i couldn't resist anymore. One day you'll be gone and I'll lose my fix, it'll fuck me up all over again, I'm not ready for that. But then again, I want to do this everyday for the rest of my life." Asher spoke.

"Do what?" At this point my ears were ringing.

He placed his lips softly on my cheek. This. "I want to see you everyday for the rest of my life. Even though you repel me."

I was frozen in place. I wanted to be frozen in time too, cease the moment because I didn't know if I'd ever for once feel loved .

"I'm not a normal man. I don't think I'll ever be. I'm as fucked up as one can possibly be. I've spent enough time to kill whatever was alive within me and somehow you happen to know how to bring the dead back to life. I've treated you in ways that are unforgiving, completely intoxicated and blinded by my selfishness. I wanted to hurt you in the ways I was hurting. Make you feel lonely, rejected, unwanted." Asher stepped back, tilting his head ever so slightly as he gazed down at me with an unwavering need. A need for something I couldn't describe.

I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'm too ashamed to do that. Right now I'm holding myself accountable in front of the only woman that matters.

The room felt too small, almost suffocating. My eyes brimmed with tears as I gulped down the lump forming in my throat. I walked backward until my legs hit the bed. I sat down before my legs gave up on me. Suddenly everything made sense yet I was as clueless as I was before.

The top of the beer bottle came undone, falling with a 'clink' on the floor. Asher eyed me before taking one quick sip and settling himself on the recliner.

"Violet is named after my great grandmother." Asher said and my heart crumbled.

"Lily is her surrogate mother. I was looking for a surrogate mother, she offered and I didn't decline. Big mistake." He exhaled loudly. "From the beginning I was clear about being a single parent. I didn't want to burden anyone with my needs or my child's but Lily was stubborn about being part of the baby's life even after her job was done. I didn't want to deprive her of her maternal needs. Though there was nothing maternal about her. It took me a while to realise she wanted to get close to me through the baby. "

Another sigh. Another sip.

"The first three months were fine, violet was a quiet baby. Never made much of a fuss. We had a nanny in case I was at work and lily wasn't able to handle Violet by herself. When I was home, she'd be in my arms all the time." The silence in the room after his last few words were so loud. I could hear him scream, thrash, cry even when he sat there so calmly.

My nose was stuffy, my eyes swollen. I was a mess and the man right in front of me seemed perfectly settled.

When violet was 5 months old. Lily wanted to go on a trip, she was tired and needed a break. We decided to go on a holiday to Italy.

I was on a work call, in the lobby of the hotel when I heard Lily scream. She was crying, screaming that she didn't do anything on top of her lungs. Violet was on the edge of the bed, laying haphazardly, having a seizure. Silent tears ran down his face, i couldn't believe my eyes or ears. Asher ran a hand over his face quickly. "A perfectly healthy child having a seizure." He spoke, his voice shaky, emphasising every word, it felt as if he was turning a sharp knife in my stomach as he went.

"You know why Sophie?"

"Because her so-called mother shook her too hard to shut her up." He seethed.

"Violet passed away three days later at the hospital."

"We can stop right here Asher." I almost begged, I couldn't hear anymore, it was too much to handle.

"—Lily's mother flew her back to the states and begged me to not press any charges as it would ruin her daughter's life. She had the audacity to say that after Lily took my daughter away from me." He let out a bitter laugh before chugging whatever beer was left in the bottle, all at once.

"Do you think it was intentional?" I asked.

"Yes. No."

I frowned then nodded. "When did this happen?"

"Four years back. This city swallowed my daughter whole. I don't know whether to hate it or love it."

How could he ever love the city. Suddenly it all made sense, why he didn't want to come here. Why he felt so troubled.

"I'm more smoke than anything I could be, I'm nothing this is not self loathing, it's the truth about me. I don't want to be anything else. I don't want you to make me anything else. You're not my saving grace Sophie. You're the person I need, not to save me, just to stay with me while I try to stay afloat. Do you get it?"

I nodded, i opened and closed my mouth, unable to say a word. My face was warm, my eyes filled with tears. My heart so full. I loved him. I've always loved him.

"I'm asking you to stay with me."

I'm here. I whispered.

"I know." He sighed. "I have no ambitions, atleast not anymore. Do you want to wake up beside a man like me?"

I can try.

"You don't get it , do you?" He chuckled.

"I do. I didn't leave you when you wanted me to why would I leave now, when you're asking me to stay?"

"Because your chase is finally over. I gave in. That must be enough motivation to run?" He said raising an eyebrow as if he was testing me.

"We're not playing a game here Asher." I sniffled and rolled my eyes.

"I know and it scares me."

The room fell quiet. I didn't try to speak. Asher was done speaking. To my surprise he fell asleep on the recliner. I picked myself up and changed into something more comfortable before tucking myself in bed, my eyes glued on him all the while, he looked so peaceful I didn't dare to wake him up.

Sleep never came. Violet stayed on my mind. I was making a fool of myself, imagining holding her like she was mine. Like it's something I've already done.

I hated everything. The bed felt uncomfortable, the air was tainted, it held an immense amount of sadness.

My eyes snapped to Asher as he stretched himself on the recliner. He was probably stiff and uncomfortable. He stood up, unbuttoning his shirt as he walked towards the bathroom. A few seconds later I heard the shower go on. Before I could think I was making my way towards the bathroom, the unlocked door relieved my hesitation.

At this moment. I wasn't thinking at all. There was no wrong, no right.

"Can't sleep?" I almost jumped out of my skin and tumbled a few steps back.

"Didn't mean to scare you Callister."

"I know." I said defensively and straightened myself. This was the first time I had a proper view of Asher since I entered the bathroom. Standing completely naked under the shower, there wasn't an ounce of discomfort on his face or body, even when he knew I was staring shamelessly.

"What are you doing here?" He asked staring down at me.

"Uh, can't sleep." I said and almost facepalmed myself on the floor out of embarrassment.

"That we've figured, what else?" His tired face held a slight smirk.

I shook my head. "Nothing." I said, I could feel my face turning red.

"You have 3 seconds to join me or you can wait outside  if there's something you want to talk about." He said, pushing his wet hair back.

My mouth opened and closed, my eyes widened as my legs started moving on their own. Within seconds I was soaking wet, his hands on my body, pulling the stubborn wet t-shirt over my head, his fingers lingering a bit longer than they should, his hands prying off my shorts next. My heart was so loud. I refused to look at him so I stared at our feet.

"I just want to hold you." His arms went around my waist pulling me into his body, it almost felt like we were one and I loved it. His fingers ran through my wet hair as I leaned my forehead on his chest.

I don't know how long we stood there in each other's arms. I don't remember when my tears got mixed with the water, perfectly hiding them. Asher's bloodshot eyes told a similar story. A story I refused to address. The heaviness laid thickly on us no matter how much we tried to ignore it.

The water ran cold but we stood there, desperately close.

The next moment, I was in bed, my wet hair splayed on the pillow, an arm wrapped around my waist, a warm blanket covering me, a face snuggled in my neck.

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We can turn around and drive straight to the airport.

"No. Dig."

"Hey! it's too sunny, I'm dehydrated I don't wanna pass out. Help me." I grumbled. My hands in the sand, digging a so-called hole.

"I'm watching. Your hands are shaking." He stated. I was full of emotions. Digging a hole was the last thing I thought I'd be doing anytime soon. Though sometimes Asher infuriated me so much all I wanted was to dig myself a comfortable hole and never come out.

"Thanks for mentioning the obvious." I said rolling my eyes.

"Callister.' He warned.

Asher was trying.

Trying to be sane when he was on the verge of breaking down. Those little shivers were heartbreaking. When I i woke up this morning I expected everything to be grey and sad. Instead of that I woke up to a very energetic and rather happy Asher. But I i knew it was all an act. This man would be anything but weak, he hated showing any signs of it. So my beloved husband decided to be all smiles and greeted me with coffee in bed.

This morning he decided he wanted to let go. He didn't say a word more, I didn't try to ask.

My emotions were wavy, crashing every once in a while. It felt like I lost someone I didn't even know. Asher crumbled too, his shoulder would say once in a while, a deep breath here and loud sigh there said it all.

Slowly, everything was making sense. The man he's been hiding behind his strong frame, the scars he never talked about only to rip them open again for me.

His shadow fell on me making me squint up at him. My eyes zeroed on the little yellow sock he's been fidgeting around with. I looked away immediately, it was too much to take in.

Blinking away the tears in my eyes I finished digging up a tiny hole. We were on a secluded part of the beach.

This morning Asher decided he wanted to say goodbye to Violet.

A proper goodbye. A final one.

This morning Asher decided to smile more even when he clearly didn't want to.

This morning he decided he wanted to give us a chance.

A chance meant letting go of the demons. A chance to live again for his little girl. A chance to live a life Violet didn't get to see and live it well.

I stood up, shaking sand off my hands.

"I don't know what to do." He said staring at the ground. He looked conflicted.

"Do you think this will change anything?" I asked.

He shook his head and then nodded. He was as confused as I was.
"Is this the only thing you have of her?" I asked looking at the sock in his hand.

"No but it's the only thing she never used, there's no memory attached to it, it just belongs to her. I take it everywhere with me, it puts me at ease."

"Then why do you wanna let it go?"

Asher stared at me fiercely his jaw worked, before looking away like I made him sick.

"I feel haunted. I hate to feel this way. I want to feel free. Free from the guilt that grows everyday. Her ashes were scattered here in the sea."

Walking to his side I held his hand, his grip immediately tightened. We stared at the tiny hole, the sun burned my back my eyes stung with unshed tears and my heart was in a frenzy so much changed in the past 24 hours.

A selfish part of me wished he'd never told me about violet because now I'll be grieving for someone I never knew. I didn't know how much of a difference burying the tiny sock would make but it was the start of something. Something I was looking forward to even though it came along with a lot of heartbreak. The kind of heartbreak I wouldn't wish on my worsted enemy.

"What if nothing changes, what if I'm the same." His voice held fear, hopelessness.

"I'll still be here. The world won't turn upside down."

I squeezed his hand once.

He squeezed back mine twice.

"Sophie."

"Mhm?"

"Do you want to get some gelato on the way to the airport." His voice shook and my heart broke once again.

I wrapped my arms around his torso and hugged him.

"Only if you get one for yourself too."

He chuckled, his chest vibrating, i felt him place a soft kiss on the top of my head before taking a step back. His eyes were determinant.

"This is bullshit." With that Asher Grayson shoved the yellow sock in his pocket took one last look at the fierce sea and wrapped his fingers around my wrist. "Let's get you some gelato."

"And you." I stated as we walked away. I didn't question him. I knew there was a lot going in his head. He was anxious trying to find relief in ways. This was one of his many attempts.

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