Unedited.

"Would you like some tea?" Mom asked as she placed a small bowl of fruits on the table. Her concerned eyes scanning my face for something for the hundredth time.

I pretended not to hear her over the sound of the sewing machine and continued working on the bridesmaids dresses.

Christmas was in 5 days and so was  Juliet's wedding.

Who gets married on Christmas?

Juliet, duh.

Our town was really small, everybody knew everybody which automatically turned any celebration into a gala.

My mother was the best and only seamstress in town which meant celebrations brought in sleepless nights, deadlines and unreasonable expectations.

My mother was a hustler, I've seen her take the bus to the city everyday for her job as a maid and then work all night as a seamstress.  Some night I would be wide awake  helping her. I looked so much like her but I was nothing like her.

I came back to town with a heavy heart, completely prepared for my mother to kick me out of the house. I had so much to say, so many apologies, so many excuses and so many pity parties I had planned to throw. But when I knocked at her door, my mother opened the door nonchalantly as if she was expecting me, her demeanor remained the same as she ushered me in, handed me a cup of tea and as soon as my cup was empty she put me up for work. No words were spoken and it felt like everything was forgotten.

At the end of the day I was just her daughter and no matter what her love stayed unconditional.

The house seemed like an overworking diner, with people hustling their way in and out of the tiny space, there were always snacks on the table and hot tea in the kettle. It was so lively I forgot I was hurting.
It felt so good to stop hurting for once I poured myself into the work to the point I had stopped sleeping.

I didn't care, Sleep or not I was enjoying myself and the fairy tale of a wedding Juliet was going to have.

She was glowing like a thousand watt blub, her joy was contagious. I couldn't wait to see her in the wedding dress.

"How come your back isn't hurting? You're sitting like a gremlin." Mom said, a frown marred on her forehead.

"I'm fine mom, don't you worry. And for the matter of fact, I'm a gremlin." I said grinning at her.

"I'm just concerned the dress I have for you might not look great with that posture of yours , that's it."

"You have a dress for me?" My eyes lit up at the thought of wearing something new.

"Yes! It's my wedding dress!"

As those words left her mouth, my excitement left from the front door. "Mom! I can't wear a wedding dress to a wedding. That's insane."

"You foolish child did you forget your father and I eloped, we did not have a church wedding and I wore a hot pink cami dress. It wasn't appropriate then but it is now. You'll look great, you'll look like me." My mother chirped and I didn't want to kill her excitement, all I could do was giggle like a child.

"Fine, I'll look into it, see if I like it." I said knowing I wasn't going to wear a hot pink cami dress to a wedding.

"Oh, you'd love it!"

"If you say so mother." I said sarcastically.

I continued working on the huge pile of clothes hours turned into nights, turned into days.

As much as I loved it, I was getting tired. My mind kept reeling back to people and faces I wanted to forget. My skin aching for the warmth of it's known, my heart wanting to be mend by the hands of those who broke it, my body wanting to be spooned into familiarity.

But familiarity was just poison to me, familiarity would be the death of me, I couldn't afford to run back to the known land, I wasn't needed, I knew I would be used and thrown away again.

Familiarity was nothing but cruel.

Things were changing. I looked pale as if the sun hadn't touched my skin for days. My cheeks were becoming hollow and my eyes looked dead.

I was coming to terms with myself. Slowly, I was losing the person I was. I didn't know if it was a good thing or bad. All I knew was I didn't feel like Sophie anymore, particularly Asher's Sophie.

I never took Asher's last name but on days I felt like a Grayson. Scared, filthy, unloved, fucked.

I was becoming Sophie Callister again.

I felt like a snake shedding its old skin but this time I didn't care. I wasn't afraid to lose. Not the person I was, not the person I could have been.

It was sunny outside, so I decided to get dressed and get some sun on my skin, I wanted to look good for the wedding.

There was an indescribable hollowness in my chest maybe I could fill it with sunlight or some more hibiscus tea. I couldn't tell what was wrong but something was.

I walked into the bathroom and my eyes fell to the sink. A pair of scissors lying there, looking back at me.

A slight itch spread across my body making my fingers clench in a fist. For once I didn't feel the hollowness in my chest. The scissors had my attention and the ringing in my head stopped. No more thoughts, no more feelings. But why? Why did I feel so good, so numb at the sight of a pair of scissors?

My eyes stayed unwavered on the girl in the mirror staring back at me with eyes so hollow and dead it made something drop in my stomach.

Who hurt you? I wanted to ask her but I stayed quiet and respectful. I didn't want to have my nose in someone else's business. So I thought about the next best thing I could do, my fingers eagerly got their grip on the pair of scissors. I could feel blood rushing behind my ear to my head, I could feel my feet tingling with unknown anticipation of something so terrible that was to come but it had already knocked on my door long way back, I just had enough strength to keep it out of my house but not anymore.

I've heard hair holds memory.

No hair. No memory.

I felt so eager to forget, to let go of the memories, the hate, the love, the desperation, the pain. Everything. Every fucking thing. I wanted it out of my system. I couldn't be great but I wanted to be better.

Tears rolled down my eyes as the first sound of the scissors working on my hair reached my ears.

The girl in the mirror staring back at me looked broken, I wanted her to be better, I knew I could fix her. I wanted to give her a better life.

There was so much I wanted to forget.

I wanted to forget the man that Asher Grayson was and the man I wanted him to be. I wanted to forget the sleepless nights I spent crying because of him and the nights I had spent sleeping in his arms. His touch his warmth, his eyes, his tears, everything.

Suddenly I could feel my fingers tingling the same way they did when I touched his scars the first time, his torso was like a battlefield, a map drawn out of scars, stories embedded deep into his skin.

Chop.

Chop.

Chop...

My legs were shaking.

There was relief in my eyes but a storm in my head.

What have I done?

You're fine Sophie.

Yes I am.

No, I'm not.

Something snapped inside of me. The next thing I remember was calling out for my mother.

"Mom!! Mom!!" My panicked screams turned into desperate cries of help.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt my body turn warm, my legs gave up on me and I fell down to the floor.

The panic rose as my eyes landed on the thick locks of my hair on the bathroom floor.

What have I done?

"Sophie?" Mom's voice was distant yet concerned.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't hear anything as my mother's arms circled my body. Her small arms trying to hold my withering body. Her tired eyes watching her daughter fall once again.

"Sophie! What happened?"

"I'm sorry..." was all I could mumble as I refused to look at my mother, I was ashamed, embarrassed, I felt so little. I didn't realise I was holding onto the scissors for dear life.

My mother shook me gently in her arms as if I was five again. The little girl in two pigtails and the world in her palms. But I wasn't that Sophie anymore, I was pathetic. My younger self wouldn't be proud of me.

My eyes stayed steady on the chopped pieces of hair. I loved my hair, they were gone.

We remained on the floor for a long time, long enough for me to stop crying, long enough for my mother's legs to go numb beneath her.

Mom stood up, leaving me by myself I huddled in a corner as I watched her with teary eyes. There was nothing on her face, it was void of any emotions as  she started to pick up the big chunks of hair from the counter and floor.

"I'm sorry." I murmured.

"I'm sorry too, Soph." Mom whispered and my stomach turned into knots.

I picked myself up and did my best to avoid the mirror. Placing the wretched scissors beside the sink I walked out of the bathroom and headed to the kitchen, I poured myself a hot cup of hibiscus tea and settled in one of the chairs. For some odd reason I felt better.

"Maybe we should talk about it." Mom said clearing her throat as she walked into the kitchen.

"Maybe not. " I shrugged.

"I never realised we've grown so far."

I finally looked at her. My mother looked so tired, so defeated. Her eyes were bloodshot which told me she cried when I left the bathroom, she cried because of me, she cried for me. My best friend, my partner in crime. Now we were just mother and daughter who met occasionally, who had secrets, who hid their pain and scars from each other. We became what we never wanted to.

I ruined so many lives, so many relationships just to save one. That one relationship drowned as well.

"Sophie. Talk to me." Mom said looking at me with a sense of urgency.

"I'm in love." I said staring at my cup my eyes filling with fresh tears again. "I'm in love with a man who would never love me back. I'm hurting, I'm desperate, mom. I wanted to have a real fairytale. I wanted to show the world that I'm capable and deserving of being loved." My voice grew thicker and thicker as I spoke on the verge of crying. I was fucking stupid, realisation was slowly creeping up on me, I had just hurt myself knowingly.

"Not everyone gets a fairytale darling." I despised the pity she had in her eyes for me. I was such a fool.

"I know mom.I just wanted someone to love me." I paused gulping the lump forming in my throat. "I wanted to show dad that I don't need him, that I don't think about him anymore, that I have the love he couldn't give me."

"You shouldn't have tried to find your father's love in another man." There was a hint of anger in her voice and I hated ever speaking the truth.

"I fucked up mom."

"Your father loved me very much until he couldn't." She said her eyes staring into the distance.

"Why did he leave mom?"

"I don't know, I stopped coming up with reasons a long time ago. They were all just excuses. I accepted that I had limited time with your father." Mom said gulping, holding back tears.

"Did you try to find him?" I said. We were finally having the long due conversation, the conversation my mother avoided for years, the conversation we weren't ready for.

"Yes. In every corner I could think of." She stared at me with rage in her eyes, her gaze piercing my soul.
"I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't Sleep. Just roam the town and city looking for him. Knocking on our friend's doors, contacting anyone and everyone. Resting on park benches to save money for the endless bus tickets. I looked everywhere Sophie. Not just for myself, but for you as well. You needed him. Gramps took care of you while I had turned myself into a mad woman. I became unrecognisable, it went on for 2 years and one day I just returned, I had to , for you. You were all I had Sophie and I tried my best to raise you. I thought I could fill his place in your life but I couldn't. I'm sorry..."

We stayed there in silence. I sat there wiping off my tears again and again, they just wouldn't stop. Mom stood by the stove watching me. She was like an unconquered mountain, I knew she felt a lot but over the years she had learnt the art of hiding her emotions.

Sighing she wiped the sweat off her forehead and cleared her throat. I could clearly see the coldness leaving her body.

"It's not that bad you know." She said trying to change the conversation her voice as gentle as a feather. I didn't push her to continue, I knew she was hurting but standing strong for me.

I looked at her but didn't say anything.

"The hair, my love." She said smiling at me.

"You don't have to lie. I look like a boy." I rolled my eyes. I was so frustrated I wanted to pull out what was left on my head.

"Oh, not at all. You will always be my beautiful daughter.How are you feeling?"

"Like shit." I groaned.

"Oh I can tell. Apart from that?" I didn't know what she wanted to hear from me.

"I feel the need to have a fresh start." I took a long sip of my tea almost burning my mouth but it felt good. "I've done enough damage to myself and others."

"It's not too late for that." Mom was being as optimistic as she could be.

"I need to sleep first, I can't fight the world when I'm tired." I said sarcastically which made her laugh.

"Sure as long as you want."

"Mom I shouldn't have done it, I regret it so much." I said running a hand through my hair or what was left of it.

"I know Soph, I just want you to promise me to come to me every time you're hurting, can you do that?" She said looking at me hopefully.

"Only if you promise me the same?"

"You're all I have now Soph, I promise to turn to you for everything. " Mom said and I believed her.

"I promise, mom." I said as I walked up to her and hugged her tightly.

"Go, rest for a while." She said patting my back and I was finally home.

I decided to take a quick nap on the couch before returning back to work. I was knocked out almost immediately, sleep came on easy for once.

I ran a hand through my hair I still haven't looked at myself in the mirror. I just couldn't myself to. My eyes landed on my mother watching me.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore." I said looking at her face marred with concern. I knew she was worried I'd wake up and have another breakdown episode when I'd realise I had chopped off half of my hair for real but I remembered it all. The end of my hair tickling my neck was cherry on top of the situation.

"Soph-"

"Mom no—"

"Liste-"

"No Mom! I don't want to talk about it."

"We have a guest! "

I frowned at her.

What? Where? Who?

My mother remained quiet as her gaze settled on something over my shoulder. My gaze quickly followed her and I turned to my left.

My whole body froze immediately. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide. The panic set in with a wave of rage making its way to the shore.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

There he sat comfortably. His dark eyes narrowed on me, his lips pursed in a thin line and a frown marred on his face. I wondered for how long was this man sitting here watching me sleep while my mother let it happen. He couldn't hide his distaste. He looked angry but I couldn't care less. His jaw ticked as he watched me, taking me in.

He left me alone.

He ran away.

I owe him nothing!

I got on my feet quickly and grabbed onto Asher's arm trying to yank him out of the couch. The adrenaline rush had turned into something embarrassing as I tried to move Asher with all the strength I had which was nothing. My efforts were quite funny. He looked at me and a smug smile made its way to his face.

"I'm here to see you Callister." His deep smooth voice made shivers run down my spine. I could feel the hair on the nape of my neck rise.

"I don't want to see you Grayson.Your audacity is commendable but now you may leave." I said completely ignoring how my body reacted to him.

"I did not come here uninvited. Sarah wanted me to spend Christmas with the family." Asher stated smugly looking at my mother.

"Sarah doesn't want you here anymore." I said mocking his tone. Turning to mom I waited for her to say something but she just stood there like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Is this true mom?" I turned to her expectantly.

"Yes..." she gave me a small sorry smile before she hurriedly disappeared, I watched her leave, feeling betrayed.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?" He sat there calmly but I could hear the boiling anger in his voice, his jaw clenching and unclenching as his gaze stayed steady on my hair. His concern was not asked for. I didn't want him to care. If he really cared he wouldn't have hurt me the way he did in the first place.

I was done with Asher Grayson. I completely ignored his question. Out of all the days he could have showed up he decided to turn up at my door like the devil himself on the worst time. A part of me wondered if mom had anything to do with his surprise visit.

If I were myself anymore I would have ran straight into his arm, snuggled close, hugged him, told him I missed him.

All I saw was red. I wanted to cry, scream, push him out of the house.

I was ruined.

I was undone.

I didn't know who I was.

23 days. 23 damn days it took him to show up again.

I stared at him with unshed tears in my eyes, he looked clean, freshly shaved, his navy blue shirt perfectly molding around his chest and arms with the top two buttons left undone, his pants sleek as always.

Asher looked like a lucid dream. So unknown, so cold just like the first time I ever saw him. Perfect.

And I was still pathetic, tainted. The only difference between the Sophie I was a few months back and the Sophie I had become was I knew better, I knew how his touch felt, I knew how his mouth felt on mine, how his fingers ran on my bare skin, I knew how his scars looked, I knew stories he would never tell a soul, I knew Asher the way he didn't want to be seen. I knew he was here for a reason and not to celebrate Christmas.

I knew he'd break my heart again.

I knew I had to protect myself because Asher wouldn't.

Looking away I blinked away the unshed tears, no matter what I do I was just a girl who wanted to be loved.

He wanted to spend the Christmas here? Fine. I'd let him but Asher Grayson was never crossing the line again, I wouldn't let him.

"You can stay here but stay away from me." I said folding my arms against my chest as if it would make me look any less pathetic.

His gaze ran over my body calculatively. "No."

For someone who did me wrong he was being quite unapologetic.

"No?" I repeated his words.

"No."

"Stop that bullshit of yours Grayson. I don't want to deal with you right now." I was fuming, I was angry, upset.

'Then you can deal with me later, I'm right here." He said with a straight face, his eyes lingering on my face a little too long, his face scrunching up slightly.

Was he disgusted by the way I looked?

I ignored the thought and decided to leave our guest unattended by himself as insecurities bubbled inside of me.

"Sure. Make yourself comfortable." I said walking out of the front door.

"I will. Thanks for the concern." I heard before the door slammed shut behind me.

Asher: 2 Sophie: 0

Author's note!!

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