Over the past few days Asher had become a constant at my apartment. All he wanted to do was stay inside this little box, he never asked for anything, never complained, at night he would hold me in his arms as we slept, we did not kiss again. We both knew that the next kiss would turn into something bigger, something we would not be able to come back from.

Some nights I'd wake up and find him sitting by the window. I would watch him until he'd come back to bed.

Asher never talked about Violet as if she never existed. As if he was trying to actively block out her memories.

I never spoke about Violet either, even though I wanted to know about the little life she had lived. I wanted to feel closer. After all, she could have been my daughter too. A small smile creeped up on my face at the thought of having a child of my own. I shook that little giddy feeling away and continued walking back home.

I never thought I'd be so excited to walk back to the apartment from work. I was almost jumping, skipping steps, walking quickly, my heart was all jittery to see him again.

As soon as I entered the apartment, my senses were hit with a pungent, horrible smell. Smoke filled the place and Asher stood by the stove coughing.

"What happened?" I almost screamed in between the fits of coughing .

"Isn't it obvious? I burned the food." Came Asher's reply, even with the room filled with smoke and Asher's frame blurry amongst it I could tell he was rolling his eyes.

I was annoyed but at the same time I wanted to laugh.

"Why did you even try?" I asked.

"You've been working all day, Callister." Was all he said and I immediately felt bad for yelling at him.

I opened the window quickly as we both stood coughing. Asher cussed under his breath and somewhere along those words I heard a faint sorry.

The smoke was finally gone and I could see clearly, everything smelled like burnt onions, even my hair. I needed to take a shower.

"Let's not do that again, Okay?" I said raising a questioning eyebrow.

"I'm not going near that stove ever." Asher said looking down at the stove like it was a wretched thing. He sat down on the nearest chair, wiping sweat off his forehead drawing my attention. I had a habit of forgetting that Asher is a good looking man.

Good looking would be an understatement.

"Good idea." I said clearing my throat as my cheeks turned crimson.

"There's no food left, I'll go get some." He said looking away.

"No, stop. I'll get groceries tomorrow. We have food. " Opening the shelf above the stove I fetched two Cup noodles.

"This." I grinned at him.

"Cup noodles?" Asher looked at me with disgust. As if the cup noodles would taint his rich taste buds forever.

"And there's ice cream in the fridge." I grinned again like a lunatic. I didn't know why I was enjoying the situation so much.

"That's unhealthy."

"Unhealthy is fine on some days, like today. You can boil water right?" I teased as I opened the cup noodles pack. 

"I don't want to try." Came his frustrated reply.

I laughed shaking my head and to my surprise a throaty laugh left asher, I turned back in surprise, my eyes wide and glistening with joy. His face dropped immediately and once again Asher went back to his stoic self.

We sat there in silence, sitting by the window looking out at the busy street, some returning back from work, some walking their dogs, people holding hands, people laughing as they walked by.

Once in a while Asher would look at me, his eyes holding words I couldn't read, his lips pursed tightly as if he was in pain.

The cold breeze was soothing my skin. I closed my eyes and sighed. I was tired, the day felt longer than it was.

Placing the empty cup on the kitchen platform I stood up, pushing the window door wider.

"Sophie."

Chills ran down my spine as my name left his mouth. His deep voice mixed with something intoxicating.

"Yes." I murmured.

"Come here." My heart skipped a beat as I tried to calm my nerves

"I'm already standing right in front of you Asher." I stated looking everywhere but at him.

"Closer."

Taking a step forward I found myself standing between his two legs as Asher sat on the chair looking up at me. His eyes were glistening with something so indescribable.

"As much as I want to hate you-"

"Quiet." I whispered wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him to me, Asher leaned in without a protest, his arms went around my waist as he buried his face in my stomach.

We stayed like that for I don't know how long. I wasn't complaining.

Asher melted into me that night by the window. The room remained quiet but my heart was as chaotic as the busy street outside.

My hands ran through his thick hair.

"My house feels like a cellar underwater without you. Come back." Asher spoke and my heart dropped. Tears stung my eyes but I refused to cry.

"I can't." I whispered.

Grabbing his face with both my hands I tipped his chin up. He looked helpless. My thumb ran across his cheek and I felt his body stiffen.

I couldn't go back to that house, all it had were some of the worst days of my life. It wasn't my House. It was Asher's.

I shook my head bringing myself out of my miserable line of thoughts.

"I've loved you for the longest time Asher. It feels like an eternity living with something so unrequited. I cannot come back home until I know you do too. "

There it was my deepest darkest secret. I loved Asher Grayson and I hated myself for it.

Asher's body froze under my touch he looked heartbroken. It wasn't the reaction I was expecting. I expected rage at the same time I expected him to take me in his arms, twirl me around, kiss me everywhere and tell me he felt the same. I was waiting for the man in front of me to ask me what took me so long to tell him I loved him.

All he did was stare in disbelief. Maybe I went too far, maybe I took all the signs in the wrong way.

Maybe, Asher holding me every night didn't mean anything.

Asher trying to cook for me didn't mean anything.

Asher kissing my neck didn't mean anything.

The warmth in his eyes or the newfound childishness in his laugh didn't mean anything.

Maybe I was dreaming, making stories out of nothingness.

Maybe, just maybe.

Taking a deep breath, Asher stared out of the window, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

"You can't ask me for something I'm incapable of."

His words broke the thin strings joining the two of us and my heart immediately started tying them together again.

At this point I wasn't being desperate, I was repeating the pattern I was so used to.

We're always at square one, no matter where we began or where we ended.

Why you?

Why me?

Why us?

Don't I deserve love that's easy, that flows without any obstructions?

Why so many secrets, so many lies?

Why can't I be yours and you be mine and we simply exist?

"Then why do you need me if you don't love me. Why are you here?" I seethed fighting back tears.

"I don't know." Asher frowned looking down at the floor.

"That's a lie." I almost yelled, I hated the effect his words had on me.

"I can't say something I don't mean Sophie Just to make you feel better. I do care about you, fuck, I care a lot but that's all, the line is drawn there. "

His words felt like someone had turned a knife inside my chest. I took a few steps back in disbelief. I was hurt and Asher knew it. He looked away frowning, we stayed frozen for a moment before Asher decided to break the silence.

"I'm not going to run out of here and leave you. I'll be back soon." He said, standing up ready to walk out of the door.

"Why are you here?" I asked again.

"Because I'd rather sleep next to you in peace than stay up all night thinking of you. Atleast here, you're close." His eyes met mine for a brief second and I knew he was being truthful. His jaw clenched and unclenched as he gazed outside the window with so much longing.

"I don't understand you."

"You don't have to, Sophie"

"You're using me." I said finally founding the right words. The truth.

"Yes. Like you're using me. We're on the same page Sophie, there's not much of a difference. Like you've been using me all along." He narrowed his eyes at me.

He was right we were on the same page just different sides.

Running a hand through his hair he pushed them back, leaning forward Asher placed a quick kiss on my cheek as if nothing happened, I remained frozen as he tried to slice through the tension nonchalantly.

A sudden knock on the door made the room turn quite. I barely knew people in the city anymore, nobody knew where I lived, the knock on the door made my stomach twist into knots.

My eyes moved to Asher who couldn't care less about the person on the other side of the door.

There was a thud on the door again, this time my legs started moving as I frowned in confusion. I opened the door and my eyes widened and my heart jumped in both joy and confusion.

Mom!

My mother's bright hazel eyes started back at me and there was nothing but warmth in them.

I was confused but at the same time I wanted to forget everything and just embrace her.

"Sophie—"

"How did you find me here?" I gushed,  the confusion turning into surprise.

"I have my ways." She said clearing her throat.

"That's not the answer I'm looking for." I said wondering how she found me here.

"Aren't you happy I'm here"  She said cutting me off.

"Yes of course, please come in." I said with a heavy heart.

"Hello, Asher didn't expect you to be here." Mom said, still standing by the door.

"Oh me neither, Mrs Callister. I was just passing by..."  Asher said clearly uncomfortable squeezed in a little box with us. He stood tall by the kitchen showing no signs of discomfort but I knew he just wanted to get out of here.

My mother's gaze ran over Asher, lingering on the half unbuttoned shirt as if she was trying to guess what was happening in here before she walked in. A blush creeped on her face and I took a deep breath as my face began to turn warm.

She cleared her throat turning to me. The three of us stood awkwardly.

"I'm in the city living with a friend and her son for a few days." Mom said and a frown made its way to my face.

"Why didn't you call me? You can live here."

"I'd rather not. I'm here to give you this." She extended her arm and dropped an envelope by the chair nearby. Her eyes ran all over me.

"You smell strange." She said, her nose scrunching up her eyes trying to take a peak into my apartment over my shoulder. I realised I still smelled like burnt onions. I needed to take a shower as soon as possible.

"Uh, I'll fix that, don't mind it." I said, my cheeks flushing crimson.

Mom nodded, "I want to be away for a while, the house is empty and haunting without gramps there, Aunt carol is coping in her own colourful ways."

I opened and closed my mouth, my heart squeezing at the mention of aunt carol and gramps. I wanted to ask how Aunt Carol was doing? I wanted to know how mom was but I just couldn't. The guilt laid heavily on my shoulders. It felt as if everything that happened was my fault. But was it ?

"Christmas is almost here, I hope you'll be home." she smiled at me, her eyes glisten with unshed tears as she held herself up strong. I felt like a disgrace, my own mother refused to hug me as if I was a stranger to her. But then again, I deserved it, I gave myself away to a man to deal with my living situation and that wasn't the worst part, I fell in love with him only for him to keep me hanging by a string.

I nodded gulping the lump forming in my throat.

"Asher I hope you spend the Christmas with us too, I'll be making my world famous pie. You need to have a bite." Mom said flashing a smile.

"Surely, Mrs Callister," his voice wrapped around my head before his arm wrapped around my waist pulling me to his side gently. "We'll be there." My breath hitched for a second and I wondered if he had forgotten our conversation.

I've loved you for the longest time Asher.

Those words rang in my head over and over again and the more I thought about them, the more I hated myself. I lost again. I gave in, I confessed something that felt so forbidden. Something so pure and easy yet all it brought along was pain.

My knees were giving up and my head felt as if it was filled with smoke.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry but I stood there in front of my mother, who couldn't even step inside my place.

I was indeed my mother's daughter. Stubborn as always.

"I'll be looking forward to it." Mom said, bringing me out of my train of thoughts. "Time to go Soph."

Nothing came out of my mouth I stared at my mother's back as she turned around and left.

My heart was broken again. It wasn't the first time and yet I wasn't prepared, yet I still felt like a little girl endlessly waiting for her father by the door.

Asher cleared his throat drawing my attention.

"You can't just keep standing at the door Callister, get in."

I nodded closing the door behind me. My eyes fell on the white envelope, my name written across it, big and clear. I wondered what was inside but nothing came to my mind.

"I need some air." Said the man behind me. In my head it translated to, I need to be away from you, Callister.

I nodded not saying a word.

Asher left in a rush as if he was becoming claustrophobic.

Tears rolled down my eyes  and a faint sob left my mouth. I picked up the envelope and tore it carefully. My hands shook with anticipation of the unknown and a million questions hovered over my head.

As soon I opened the letter I realised god had his ways with me and none of them were in my favour and this letter was his ultimate blow.

.

.

Author's note:

Hello everyone! I hope you are having a great weekend.

I'm finally done with my final year exams. The new year has just started from me. :')

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