Unedited.

Sophie.

When you're away from someone and you don't know when you're going to see them again ,when you're going to hear their voice, as if their existence has no presence, you start to create an imaginary world where you and your person still exist and you both are happy.

That was what I was doing from the last two days, dreaming with my eyes open and my head in the clouds, where Asher and I were still together, there were no secrets, no fear of seperation, fear of betrayal. It was just him and I.

We were happy.

There were a few things I realised, all those little things that went unnoticed and unappreciated. Asher always made sure I ate, even if he didn't. If I was in the bathroom for more than 30 minutes he would always check. Sometimes I heard fear in his voice when he would knock twice on the bathroom door and call out my name, as if  he was scared of losing me. I always found it funny and cute but I realised why he was the way he was. My mind reeled back to the time I found him on the kitchen floor, bleeding. I liked to believe Asher hurt himself under the effects of drug and he had no intentions of actually doing it. Sometimes I think it was an honest mistake, an accident, maybe the knife slipped out of his hand and cut him. All those scenarios were just excuses I made up to feel better because I didn't want to believe that the man I've come to love so much was in immense pain.

Whenever I was locked up in the bathroom Asher's mind played games on him or maybe he didn't want me to be in the state he was in once.

One thing was for sure. Asher cared. More than he thought he was capable of.

Sometimes he would randomly drop a message that made no sense and I would stare at it for a while. He wasn't the kind of guy who'd text someone unless it was something related to work or something important. I would look forward to his messages.

When I would cook he'd stand there by the door, his long frame leaning against the door, his arms folded against his chest. Asher Grayson would stare at me like I meant something to him. Like I was precious. I'd blush under his unwavering gaze and avoid eye contact.

Sometimes I felt loved. Sometimes I believed he loved me. Asher loved in ways that were set apart from the normal romantic kind of love. We never went on proper dates, he never brought me gifts to impress me. All out interaction meant something, every conversation, every touch, every meal we shared and every intricate gift he brought for me meant something, it was always done out of care.

Asher Grayson was hard to love and the world would call me stupid if they knew us.

I looked down at the generous tip in my hand and pocketed it before taking the empty dishes back to the kitchen. The chef was an asshole, his dictionary was missing the word gentle, the kitchen always felt chaotic even if the orders were smooth sailing. Chef Reid kept the temperature high in the room.

Placing the dirty dishes in the washer I quickly ducked out of the kitchen, avoiding any problematic eye contact. My eyes searched for West around the restaurant to find him serving wine at the tables.

West had become my rock, he was the only one I could talk to.

He was the only one who was talking to me because I haven't disappointed him yet.

At this point, I had no faith in my luck. Everything was temporary. Whether it was my happiness, job or the people around me.

I wondered if Asher would ever come back or I'd be forced to move on.

Pushing my thoughts to the back of my mind I looked around once more to see if any of the guests needed my assistance.

The restaurant was full as always, the hall filled with laughter,chatters and the sweet sound of cutlery. My stomach grumbled for the tenth time at the thought of food. I was hungry my very soggy sandwich was waiting for me in my lunch box. I wish I could have warm soup. The winters felt never-ending and merciless.

"I can't wait for it to be break time. 20 minutes to go." West chirped walking past me placing the wine bottle carefully in the case.

"You're always waiting for break time." I said rolling my eyes as he bumped his shoulder in mine.

"Well, I'm tired of smiling at everyone and being so obedient."

"And what do you do so worthwhile and destructive during break time?" I asked, amused by his reply.

"Nothing, I just eat and over caffeinate myself to push down all the destructive thoughts. You know I'm capable of burning this place right." West said nonchalantly.

"I don't think so."

"Then you don't know me Sophie."

"Sure" I rolled my eyes at him.

A cool breeze wrapped itself around my legs making me shiver and also indicating someone came through the main door, a new guest.

"Time to be obedient again." I chimmed smiling at West as I started to walk towards the tables.

My smile dropped to the ground and my heart stuttered at the sight in front of me, I stopped dead in my track.

Asher.

The last person I expected to see and the only person I wanted to see.

His eyes were already on me, taking me in and moving between West and I, suddenly they went blank as if he was looking at a stranger and my heart crumbled.

"Move aside!" Sasha, the manager yelled drawing our attention, she hurried towards Asher her heels tapping on the floor aggressively.

"It's good to see you after so long Mr Grayson?"Sasha's voice dripped with honey and I stood there watching the scene.

"I've seen that guy before." West murmured and I gulped nervously.

We watched as Sasha guided Asher to the table it was only then did I see the person following closely behind Asher.

There was a petite woman standing five feet tall, Asher looked like a giant in front of her. Her big doe eyes looking at something over my shoulder. She was staring at West while I stared at her. My heart cracked into two at the sight of Asher and her together. Warmth rode up from my neck to my head, the hurt was getting replaced by anger and anger turned into defeat within seconds.

My shoulders slumped, I couldn't think anymore my head was filled with smoke. I looked up to see Sasha guiding them to the best spot which was usually reserved for the V.I.Ps.

Asher didn't spare me another glance, he was walking away as if I was another stranger.

"Why is Sasha sweating in the middle of winter?" West frowned looking at Sasha who turned from being the manager to Asher's personal assistant in the blink of an eye. Her behaviour was odd and borderline lunatic.

"I don't care. Let's go eat it's break time." 

"You go ahead I'll go get us coffee."

"Ugh, I need some really bad, you have no Idea how much I appreciate you."

"I gotcha, Sophie."  West winked at me, flashing me his charming boyish grin.

I walked down from the back of the kitchen to the end of the staircase, plopping myself down on the last one. It was then all the emotions came rushing in once again. I couldn't decipher between any of them.

Am I supposed to cry?

I had no intention of crying. Maybe I would feel better if I cried but there were no tears left.

I looked down at my lunch box, my appetite no longer existed but I had a long day ahead of me, I couldn't starve myself.

The kitchen door opened behind me as I took the first bite. West started walking down a little too slow for my preference, I was eagerly waiting for my coffee.

"What's taking you so long?" I asked impatiently as West's footsteps got louder behind me, indicating he was close.

"You find every way to run into me." Goosebumps ran over my back like wildfire as Asher's voice reached my ear, it felt as if he was touching me but he wasn't.

"I don't, I'm just minding my business and you should mind yours." I said quickly wiping off a traitor tear, no matter how much I kept my feelings under control just the sight of Asher Grayson made me cry out blood, he knew how to shatter my already bandaged heart again and again, like magic his tricks worked everytime.
You can't come here, guest aren't allowed. I cleared my throat looking away.

I didn't want to look away, I wanted to stare at him, take the sight in front of me because I didn't know if I'd ever see him again.

"I most definitely can. You're in my business." He said.

I frowned at him. I could tell he could see the confusion and irritation on my face. I wondered if he could see how needy I felt. How much I wanted to hug him. My fingers ached to touch him.

"What do you mean?"

"I own this place."

I opened my mouth and closed it. I wished the earth would open up and swallowe me whole. "I didn't know." Red creeped up my neck. It wasn't fascinating how I landed myself in trouble so often. I had no idea that the restaurant was owned by Asher. 

He's probably thinking I'm a crazy stalker.

He chuckled bitterly as if he didn't believe me.

He looked down at my half eaten sandwich and I looked up at his face, his tired eyes, his messy hair.

"You look tired." I whispered.

"You look the same. Pathetic."

"I cannot disagree on that." I gave him a soft smile and something in his features changed, an indescribable emotion crossed his face before he turned ice cold again. For a second, I was taken back in time. For a second we were in Capri, walking on the cobblestone paths to nowhere with the sun over our heads and our hands entwined.

Asher wasn't the same anymore.

"How have you been?" I asked, I was being gutsy and I knew it could lead me to trouble again.

"What do you think this is? A chit chat session?"

"Uh..I was going to visit you?" I said out of nowhere. At this point I was just blurting out things, trying to engage Asher, make him stay a little longer.

"Why?"

"All my things are still at the house. I wanted to get them." I lied, once again.

Stupid, stupid Sophie.

"Sure, you're most welcome to come and collect your shit." Asher said sarcastically giving me a tight smile.

We had become strangers with no words to exchange, no anger to show, no tears to cry. I knew he wanted to stay as much as I do.

I wondered if I would have loved Asher if my father had loved me.

If my father taught me what love actually was. If he would have loved me enough, I would have never had to beg for another man's love. Because you don't beg for love, you don't cry out blood and walk on eggshells for love, but I did all of that in the name of love only to end up falling deeper.

I should have known better. But I didn't. All I knew was Asher and his imperfect love.

"Someone's waiting for you." I said referring to the woman sitting inside the restaurant waiting for Asher.

"You were waiting for me too, weren't you?" Asher said catching me off guard for a second.

He raised a questioning eyebrow noticing a slight change in my demeanor, he knew I was hoping he'd come find me here.

I nodded.

"Are you here for me or is this just a coincidence?" I asked, looking at him hopefully.

I have never believed in coincidences.

"What do you want to hear Sophie?" Ashee asked, my name on his lips made shiver run down my spine.

"That you're here for me. That you missed me because I have missed you." I gulped the lump forming in my throat.

His jaw clenched, his eyes ran down my neck to my shoes and back up, they lingered on my face for a second before he looked away. Asher was struggling to speak I could tell.

"I have someone waiting for me like you said, Sophie. I better go."

"So you didn't?" I asked.

"No. You're one stubborn woman you know that."

"You think I'll fall for your silly tricks to make me jealous. You don't even know her full name, I bet." I raised a challenging eyebrow. "Look at me Asher, we need to talk. "

"There's not much to talk about. I already know you're sorry and you're pathetic. There's nothing more to know. " His jaw clenched and unclenched, his eyes held so much anger.

"I want to see you again. We're not done here. " Asher was right, I was stubborn and I wasn't planning to change anytime soon.

"I don't."

"I don't care about Scarlet or Lily or whatever they did. We need to fix whatever they left us with." I meant every word I said.

"You sound so desperate." He looked at me with disgust, like he couldn't stand me for another second.

I was desperate, we were running out of time. Maybe we already ran out of it but I wasn't giving up yet.

"I don't know if I'll ever see you agai—"

The kitchen door opened catching our attention, West stood there on top of the stairs holding two coffee cups in his hand. His typical boyish grin cemented on his face only dropping for a second before it was wide and bright again.

Asher stared at him without blinking. His jaw worked, I could tell he was pissed.

"Oh, hello. May I help you Sir?" West moved down the stairs quickly and was beside me within record time. For him Asher was a threat to me.

Asher looked at me one last time with confusion filled eyes before going back inside, completely ignoring West.

"What was that about?" West asked looking at the closed door on the top of the stairs which had just closed behind Asher.

"He lost his way." I lied avoiding his eyes.

"Really?" West paused and looked at me with suspicion filled eyes. "He knew exactly where he was, he owns this place." He deadpanned. I nodded acting completely unaware.

"How do you know that?" I asked as I grabbed my coffee cup from his hand.

"Everyone is talking about him inside. Why do you think Sasha was suddenly walking on egg shells?"

"Makes sense." I took a big sip of my coffee trying to avoid any further discussion.

"The last time Sasha saw him, he was here with his daughter strapped to his chest."

It felt like somebody threw ice cold water on me. An ache spread down my chest settling in my stomach. I couldn't help but imagine Asher holding Violet to his chest. I nodded unable to speak as my eyes stung with tears.

"Sasha said that he's just a depressed weirdo now."

.

***

Asher.

"The food is the best I've had in a long time but I don't like how everyone is staring." Summer whispered before taking another bite out of her plate. I watched her as she ate as if it was her last meal. She hardly looked up to spare a glance at someone else other than her food but I guess she looked long enough to know we were the centre of attention.

"They want to know who you are to me." I said leaning back in my chair, my plate was empty. Summer was eating for the two of us and I wasn't complaining.

"Let's tell them we're getting married tomorrow." There was a mischievous glow in her eyes, she looked tipsy, she probably had a few shots before joining me.

Even I could make good use of some liquid courage right now. I thought,  looking around hoping to see Sophie's cursed face again.

"Shut up and eat."

"It's called flirting Asher." Summer winked at me and I looked away in discomfort.

"I don't flirt, Summer." I said clearing my throat.

"The blond waiter is really cute, can I get his number?"

I looked away completely ignoring her. I knew exactly who Summer was referring to. He was the same guy that  brought coffee for Sophie and interrupted us. My hands itched so bad, I wanted to turn him blue and black. Fuck, I was jealous and I hated it.

"By the way, your wife is beautiful."

Indeed.

I stared at her, my face held a warning and Summer was quick to catch on it.

"Oops, sorry. I'll shut up and enjoy my free meal." Summer giggled and I looked away. I did look patient but all I wanted to do was leave.

Sophie asked me if I had missed her.  I fucking did but she wasn't supposed to know, I had no time to caress her ego.

As much as I wanted her, something kept me away from her.

A part of me had already forgiven her, the same part that wanted to nurture whatever we had between us.

The same part that wanted to fill the space between us and hold her close.

My worst fear had come true. I lost someone I didn't know I needed.

My mind and my heart were at war. In between the chaos, I felt myself die yet trying to  stay alive, I had become like a ship held loosely by an anchor.

I cannot fall. I cannot crumble. Asher Grayson cannot fall in front of the world.

Summer walked away after saying her goodbyes, holding a big bag of takeaway. I took a breath of relief and walked to my car.

There was only one thing on my mind the whole drive back home. Sophie's face. The same face that made my chest hurt as if I was in pain but I wasn't.

As soon as I parked outside the house, a familiar face stared back at me, standing outside the door her chin tucked in her scarf and her exposed legs shaking. Her gray eyes stared back at me and I could feel my blood boil with rage.

Shutting the car door behind me I walked up to her.

"What the fuck do I owe you now?" I was going to explode into pieces anytime.

"Nothing. Can we go inside it's cold." Her voice was shaking as she spoke. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold, I could tell she was waiting for a while now.

"No, Lily."

"I want to talk." She said stating the obvious.

"I'm listening."

"I'm here to apologise."

For once, Lily was speaking the truth, there were no hidden intentions behind her eyes, no made up stories or lie sitting on her tongue. Lily looked distorted, deprived of sleep.

The winter blues was either getting the best of us or we were just equally fucked all along.

"What for?"

"Everything. Violet, Sophie, everything I did to you." Lily looked down at the ground, her features marred with guilt, her arms folded against her chest.

My stomach dropped at the mention of my daughter's and my wife's name. Their name had turned into unhealed wounds.

"Did you have a rude awakening?" I asked letting out a bitter laugh.

"I can't live with myself like this Asher. All I've been is a puppet for your mother to play around. She ordered and I complied with it. I've spent the last few years running behind you when I don't even like you. I used to but that changed quickly. I'm here to apologise for everything I've ever done. You will never see my face again, I'm leaving the city. I'm not what she made me." Lily wiped her tears away and stared at the ground as if it was the most interesting thing to her.

"Sure." I said nonchalantly.

"And Asher, your mother is a bitch."

I know, I wanted to say but I didn't.

"Have a good life Lily."

"Tell Sophie I'm sorry and that I'm ashamed. I have nothing else to say." Lily said her face was turning red and blotchy. "You won't believe me but I love violet. I love her with all my heart. I think about her everyday. I wish I was a better mother."

I wish I was a better father.

"You were a good mother. We all make mistakes. Do you want to come inside?"

Suddenly I was a nice man again feeding off on someone else's sadness and showing pity.

I wasn't really a nice man though.

"No, I'm fine. The longer I stay the worse it'll get, some mistakes can't be forgiven Asher." Lily smiled at me, her eyes glistening with tears. For a second, she wasn't the Lily my mother had created, she was a girl I never knew, Lily had become a stranger with striking big gray eyes.

The same eyes my daughter had.

I stared at lily a bit longer than I should have because if she was being honest these were my last few moments with her. I wouldn't miss her, I wouldn't even think about her but I wanted to remember her.

"You don't need my forgiveness. You need to forgive yourself." I said.

I need to forgive myself too. 

"I will someday." She said nodding her head frantically. "Don't hate me forever."

"Forever is long and tiring Lily. I won't, I promise." I smiled , I could feel a sudden shift of emotions within me. The hate had turned into something bittersweet.

Lily let out a small laugh wiping her tears. "Time to go."

It took merely ten minutes for my world to turn another one eighty degrees again.

Lily was leaving and for the last time we weren't onto each other's neck, trying to bite each other's faces off or throwing insults.

We were just two people who once hated each other.

I nodded as Lily ducked her head and walked to her car.

I watched a big part of my life walk- away, from being the absolute worst experience of my life everything turned into bittersweet as Lily waved at me one last time. The mother of my daughter was walking away and in the moment I realised I had a space in my chest for her, I didn't know if the space was filled with good memories or bad all I knew was I felt lighter immediately as if a weight was lifted. 

In that moment I forgave lily, I forgave myself.

At the end of the day we were just parents who lost our daughter.

I looked up at the sky and I wanted to scream but nothing came out just a shallow breath.

I felt trapped in the web called life yet I was so free.

Is this how closure feels?

Is this the beginning or end of something?

Author's note.

Hello everyone! I know I'm late, I apologise. The past few weeks have been so busy. I hope each one of you is doing good.

What do you think of the story so far and this chapter?

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See you soon. ❤️