The party for Jace's birthday is in full swing. Loud music blares from the speakers, the bass thuds against my chest, the vibration glides wave-like through my body. Boisterous laughter, joy and an Alec ignoring me. Again and again it is he who demands my attention. The events around me have long since faded into the background. Even Jonathan, who is still standing close together with the blond beau and talking animatedly. He hasn't even checked on me, let alone asked himself why getting a bottle of beer is already taking over an hour. It bothers me less than it should and most of the time my eyes are on Alec. He doesn't seem to be interested in me either. Intense conversations with old friends, lots of warm hugs and appreciative pats on the back. I watch his every reaction, glances as his lips move and a gentle smile highlights the beauty of bright blue eyes.

"It's been a long time. You don't have to worry about it." If you only knew. Jace suddenly appears beside me, exchanging the already empty bottle of beer in my hand for a new full one. Greedily, I inhale the malty liquid and the moment my lips leave the neck of the bottle, Alec looks in our direction. Slowly my tongue glides over the white foam wetted lips and Alec imitates my movement. I don't care that Jace is standing right next to me, watching us as facial expressions alone and a definite gesture symbolize that we haven't forgotten each other.
"Jonathan is over Alec. He's not in your way," Jace says, and apparently he's less observant than I previously thought. I turn my head and look directly into his eyes. Blue and brown. I can never decide where to look first. When we first met, I was so mesmerized by the sight, and later that evening I had a slight headache as my eyes kept trying to decide which side was the more attractive. Jace Herondale wears unusual features, as does Alec.

"What makes you think Alec could be in our way?", I ask, slightly irritated.
"Well, because of what happened when they were teenagers," he replies. At least he's honest.
"That's water under the bridge. I don't care if they sucked each other off and who fucked who out of their minds," I say, upset. Jace is startled by my outburst and I can't figure out where this is coming from all of a sudden either.
"Is everything okay between you?" he asks irritated and I roll my eyes annoyed. I don't feel like discussing my problems with Jace Herondale. He's Jonathan's best friend, and I like to keep my sex life private. Except Jonathan sees it very differently, and Jace knows more about the frequency and intensity of our orgasms than I'd like.
"What's not to be okay about? We're here together. That's enough of an answer, isn't it?", I ask, slightly annoyed. Why can't he just leave again?
"I'm only asking because you guys are acting so weird. Jonathan's been talking to Andrew for hours and you're standing here in the corner not caring about your friend being shamelessly flirted with. That's not how it usually is."

I sigh and roll my eyes. He's right. We do have a problem. Or rather, two. Alec and Andrew. How fitting. Both names start with A and both men make my blood boil. One because he ignores me and it drives me crazy. The other because he has the audacity to turn a forgiven man's head like that. It is not jealousy because my feelings for Jonah reach to the moon and back. No, it's just the fact that we're still officially together.
"Excuse me Jace. I need to check if my boyfriend still has his dick with him or is already in the other guy's ass," I reply sardonically and push myself off the wall with a jerk. Out of the corner of my eye I see Alec and how he follows my path. His stares are driving me crazy.

Jonathan exchanges intense glances with the other man. What was his name? Andre? No, that wasn't it.
"Jonah," I murmur in his ear, and he flinches, startled.
"Magnus. Do you have to sneak up on me like that?" he asks reproachfully.
"When did you get so jumpy?"
"Always have been. You know I have. Where have you even been for so long?" he now asks skeptically, looking at me challengingly. Jealousy has always been an underlying theme, and right now Jonathan is wearing it plainly.
"I was getting beer," I answer honestly, keeping quiet about the conversation with Alec. And the touches. And the looks. As well as the fact that I'd rather snuggle against his back than my boyfriend's.
"Who's your new friend?", I ask straightforwardly. He holds out his hand to me, and I take it, immediately regretting it deeply. Cold sweaty and limp. There's more life in a dead fish than in that handshake.

"Underhill. Andrew Underhill," he introduces himself and I feel like I'm going to throw up at any moment. His nasal pronunciation mixed with his squeaky voice is the quintessential mood killer. As soon as he opens his mouth, even the last person within a 50-mile radius knows he's gay.
"Bane. Magnus Bane," I introduce myself, feeling like a British secret agent living a double life trying to take down the villain. His smile is mischievous and he licks his dry lips greedily.
"Very nice. Really nice. He's perfect Jonathan," Andrew says and I'm beyond confused. The look on Andrew's face is anything but innocent. His eyes scan my body, lingering a moment too long on the bulge in my pants, and I feel like I'm at a bazaar. And I'm the merchandise.
"What's going on here?", I ask directly, and Jonah chews nervously on his lower lip.
"I wanted to ask you something. Well, actually... we wanted to ask you something. An offer for a threesome. Andrew, you, and me."

"No," I reply without thinking further or letting Jonathan finish. No way. Not with this guy. I'm not averse to it. Quite the opposite, in fact. With the right partners and prior arrangements, it's a truly erotic adventure. I already had the pleasure of a double penetration and could definitely imagine it again. But not with this guy. Andrew does not correspond at all to what I find attractive. Without saying another word I leave the two confused and walk hurriedly through the living area. I squeeze through dancing bodies and literally crash through the open patio door. Summer evening air welcomes me, it smells of freshly mown grass and lovely roses. Greedily I inhale deeply, suck life-giving oxygen into my lungs and exhale noisily. The sounds of the party disturb my peace and I close the door with a last look at laughing faces and boisterously celebrating guests.

The night air is pure and slightly cool, clearing my head and swirling thoughts. Slowly I walk across the terrace toward the small patch of green sheltered by pink roses and lavender that is my sanctuary. I drop heavily into the grass, feeling the texture of the short-shorn blades under my fingertips. They tickle and I let my fingers glide through the stalks again and again. Isolated stars break through the black cloak in the firmament. Silvery shining dots dance a round dance, they hear their very own melody and lose themselves in the lightness of being. A movement in the shadows catches my attention. Almost silently, a male body lies down next to me on the green mattress. I know, even without looking, that it is Alec. His beguiling scent flows over to me, drives away the aroma of the roses and takes its place in my senses without being asked. Enraptured, I listen to the sound of his breathing, steady strong puffs, no trace of nervousness. I wonder what he wants here? As cool and contemptuous as he was in the kitchen, the touch of his fingertips on the back of my hand is warm and heartfelt. Each stroke tickles and a wave of excited elation flows through me.

"I've often thought of you," Alec breaks the silence, and yet his voice is quiet, barely audible. No more than a whisper, I close my eyes briefly and think about his words. I, too, have been thinking about him a lot.
"I think about you, too," I answer honestly. The last thing I want to do is lie to him. I'm tired of pretending my life is super and rosy, full of love and kitsch and gay stereotypes. The opposite is true. For years I have been lying not only to myself but to Jonah. I should have revealed to him the truth about my trip to London and what happened there. No matter how hard the last years were, he didn't deserve that. Cheating on his partner is bad enough. But then to keep it from him over the many years borders on emotional torture. Jonathan knows nothing about the fact that another man keeps dominating my thoughts and dreams. And certainly not that said man is his former best friend and first great love. This knowledge would destroy him. However, after tonight, I can no longer live this lie.
"JoJo and you huh?"
"I didn't know who you were. I swear that by everything I hold sacred," I say freely. Alec blindly reaches for my hand. We lie on our backs surrounded by lush greenery and twinkling stars.

"I know that. How could you? And it's not like I told you my real name."
"Then your name isn't Gideon at all? I'm shocked," I say, suppressing a giggle.
"Yes, it is, it's the right name. Only it's not my call name." Now I'm curious. Curious, I turn my head and instantly my breath catches. Alec is looking at me, his face so close to mine. I can glimpse the blue of his eyes through the starburst. He is so beautiful. The telltale heart behind my bones pounds unnaturally fast, and I'm sure Alec hears each beat loud as thunder.
"Alexander," he breathes, and never has a name sounded more beautiful than at this moment.
"Alexander," I repeat devoutly, feeling the pressure of his hand on mine. It tingles and brizzles, I am hot inside and yet pleasant shivers chase over my skin and make the fine hairs dance happily.
"Now I wish I had told you my real name. Then you could have moaned this one. You can't imagine how horny it sounds coming out of your mouth. I was such a fool." Alec's voice breaks, a glittering star beading from his eyes, wetting his fair skin with the trail of pain. He doesn't have to say anything else. I understand. But it hurts so incredibly.
"Alexander. I've been a fool. For years I pretended you were nothing more than a one-night stand. I carry the secret deep in my heart and there it will remain until you are ready. But I can no longer deny that you stole my heart in London."
"I love you. Magnus, it may sound strange and in a way it is. We don't really know each other. And yet I too left my heart in that hotel room. I never knew if you took it with you or threw it into the nearest trash can in anger."