"You need to protect yourself. I understand that. But you should also try to understand me. It's only fair. All that you told me, I'll never talk about it again. Unless you want me to. Your secret is safe with me. What is equally safe is the fact that I will not hide. My relationship with Jonathan is fucked. He hates me and I should have ended this between us a lot sooner. No, had to. I haven't been honest with him and I've pushed us both further and further into this fucking spiral. For it to end like this...who would have thought. I didn't.""Maybe we should look at it as an opportunity," Alec says."What do you mean?", I ask, feeling the leaden fatigue wash over me. Last night was short, too short, and Alec's narration makes me dizzy. My head is heavy and the weight of his words hard to bear.

"It must mean something that we met again. I didn't know anything about you. My chance of finding you was zero, and you apparently didn't give it a second thought...""Alexander, what was I supposed to do?", I interrupt him. "Look for you and look at your oh-so-perfect life? From a distance and then? What good would it have done me?", I ask angrily. He withstands my gaze and remains silent, but he won't get away from me that easily, even if it takes all my effort. I don't want him to."Nothing, nothing at all. Except pain and the knowledge that your wife is living life, with you, which will always be denied to me. That thought is unbearable, even though I know you have no feelings for her."

"That's not true," says Alec, trying to justify himself. We go around in circles. Again and again. Sighing, I hang my head, stare again at the piercing green under my hands."Of course I feel something for Sara. We've been married for almost ten years and have a child together. What are you thinking? That I'm just going to drop her like that? 'Thanks for playing my fake wife, but now I just want a guy and please there's the door?' Leave Mason here because my boyfriend is his new mom now.' Do you really think I'm that asshole?" he angrily presses out. No, he's not, and therein lies the problem. He's spent his whole life looking out for others, bending himself and building a wall around his heart. Alec wouldn't even recognize the way out if it were right in front of him. It could be so simple, one word, one kiss in front of chosen people. People who are sympathetic to him and have no problem with his sexuality. Alec is not ready to take that step and I have an uneasy feeling that he never will be.

"The whole thing is emotionally taxing. My outing would be an enormous feat of strength. Preparations have to be made, talks with my club, the bosses, marketing, my lawyer would rub his hands over the fee he collects from me. My management would be busting my ass, I'd need a new consultant, my career.... I don't know if I'd get through it. The press would be all over me and my family. Sara would be subject to ridicule. What about Mason? How would his classmates react? The parents? He already has a hard time with me as a father. If it came out that I'm gay... I can't imagine." There it is again. He lowers his head, looks sad, and rubs his moist eyes. He bared his soul to me, gave me everything. Unsparingly, honestly. Alec is worried about his family. Rightly so? I don't know.

"Mason is my whole happiness. I try to keep him out of the public eye as much as I can, but it's not that easy. Because in the beginning of our marriage, my wife was very open with our private life. She didn't care what my counselors said, the consequences and that Mason's innocent life was in danger. All that mattered to her were the likes and that new packages and requests came in every week to advertise baby stuff on her social media account. This is not my world. I have someone who takes care of my account. Nothing happens without my consent, but I don't sit in front of the screen and upload pictures or write any witty texts. I don't have time for that either. I'm on the pitch all day, I'm in the weight room, at match meetings, press appointments and the rest of the day I spend with my son. But Sara is different, she always has been. Not only have I benefited from marriage, so has she. In the meantime, we have reached an agreement that is good for both of us. But at that time, it was not yet like that. She had reached her goal, my fame made her 'famous' too and honestly, what should I have done? Sara is a grown woman and I didn't care what she revealed about herself. I didn't care about her. When Mason was born, we had a big fight. It got to the point where I threatened to cut her off if she continued to post photos of Mason. I have rarely felt so... I don't know, betrayed. She laughed at me and said she didn't need my money. But I did, and she was so right about that. You can't imagine how much Magnus. My world can't be compared to anything."

"I am not perfect. You are not perfect. We all have our faults. Still, you have to choose a path. I will no longer pretend I don't care about you. Because by God, you are not. But I ask you to think about what you want and if you are ready to live it. Together we could move so much, change so much and help guys like you understand that it's okay to love a man. That sports and homosexuality do work together.""It's a beautiful thought," Alec says softly."Yeah. It's easy to say the words." Alec snorts, shakes his head, and closes his eyes for a moment.

"That's not it at all, Magnus. It's so hard to stand up for yourself when you've been told over and over how to be. I've accepted my sexuality, I'm gay. But I just can't stand up to it in public. I am afraid. Afraid of everything, the future, the reaction of fans, sponsors bailing, hate and exclusion. Soccer is the most popular team sport in Europe. You can't know that, that's why I'm trying to explain to you how the system works and I feel like you don't care how I feel. What my motivations are. Soccer not only determines my life, but also the lives of millions of people on this planet. The number of spectators is astronomical compared to other sports. Soccer is the mirror of society, a mass phenomenon, a place where people from the most diverse strata of society meet. In everyday life, these people have nothing in common, but in the ninety minutes of the game, they are like brothers, united by the love for their club and the ball under my feet.""Pretty crazy, actually, isn't it?", I counter."What do you mean?" he asks, puzzled.

"Well, this game and the enthusiasm for it. The way you talk about soccer. Like your life depends on it and in a way, it does. I get it Alec, this is your world, your life. And yet I can't deny that I wish it wasn't. That we would have met under different circumstances and I wouldn't love you.""As women, we'd have it easier. At least as far as acting out our sexuality is concerned," he counters much more quietly. Is that so?"Why?", I ask. "What's different?" Is it the fact that it's women, and thus they don't have the same status as men?

"There are outed players and there the fans or sponsors don't care if they kiss a woman. Or get married. I was at the wedding of a good friend last year. She is a goalkeeper in the national team and plays in the women's team of my old club. Her wife, on the other hand, has nothing to do with sports. She's an accountant, very well-behaved with glasses, an updo and elegant pantsuits. The wedding was a dream in white and they couldn't have chosen a more perfect day. The sun shone warmly on our skin, the guests wore light flowing fabrics, barefoot on the beach and the exotic floral scent of countless frangipani blossoms made me giddy and took away my breath. I was close to tears when the couple said yes to each other and I knew I would never be able to have that. You ask me what is different? Besides the pay? Women's soccer doesn't have such a high status as men's sports. Which is total bullshit if you ask me. Women are not less talented than men. Unfortunately, no one asks me, when I would have so much to say."

"What do you think it is? Why do people think that way?", I ask with interest."Well, it's most likely because of the outdated worldview that still exists among many people. Of how a man should be and a woman." Alec is right. Total bullshit."Like what? Permanently horny and obscene?", I reply, snorting. After all, that's what we men are forbidden to do. No matter if straight or gay."Bold, active, assertive, with strength and brains," he answers my biting question."And a woman? Weak?" Alec nods. Of course. The gender stereotype par excellence, and sighing, I roll my eyes."Reserved and emotionally unstable. Yet there are so many brave, strong, assertive women out there. Women, mothers, who give their all, day in and day out, and yet are not seen for what they are and accomplish."

"Classic Role Models. Who came up with that? That's what I'd like to know. Such bullshit," I say contemptuously. I hate it, so much. These stereotypes and if I didn't know better, you'd think Alec believed in that shit too."Exactly. The world is not ready for men to break out of their typical gender roles. Not in my world. Women get to wear pants, girls get to wear pants. They play soccer and are automatically considered lesbians or man-women. Discrimination doesn't just happen to us men. Women are affected by it as well. Racism, sexism, homophobia. I have experienced it all. On the pitch and off it. Name-calling because I'm an American playing in Europe and challenging the established regulars for their spot on the starting team. If you have talent, you're under constant scrutiny. Every misstep is exploited, the media pounce on every little transgression, and the players see their chance to knock you off your throne. The cohesion on the field is good, enough, but behind it all, everyone is closest to themselves. I love who I want, but I can't tell anyone. I have to train harder and harder, wear my mask every day, and the dull pain in my chest has long since become my shadow. Everyone always says boys have it easier in life. But what if the boy likes to go to school in a skirt..."

"Then he is the disgusting faggot, not manly enough and deviant. He's the target for the frustration of homophobic assholes, hiding from the rednecks so they don't snot in his lunch or try to drown you with the water in the toilet bowl. You don't have to say anything. If anyone knows what it's like to be bullied by others for who you are, it's me." I know that all too well and even today the images haunt me."I'm sorry about that Magnus. You're right, the slightest sign of weakness is like a drop of blood in a shark tank. Soccer is an all-male domain and yet the sport is made up of the greatest touching fears of heterosexual men. Clinging, blanketing, holding on, being in each other's arms while celebrating a goal. I often wonder if my teammates would still hug me like that if they knew I was into men."

"Probably not. But who knows, maybe they'll like it too. Try it out and let me know how they reacted." Alec is silent. All-encompassing silence. It doesn't take much to like this man, falling in love is far easier. Nor does it take much to hate him from the bottom of our hearts. It is not important where we go, what path we take. It is the people who accompany us. For two blinks we are silent, fix the gaze of the other, everything is said and yet I have the feeling that there is still so much between us.