Sorry for the delay, absolutely swamped with work the entire week.

Again, a sensitive topic in this update. I have read some comments from some of these lovely women out there commenting on the stress a woman goes through during pregnancies. But I want to cover about how people in a real society view it. They are mostly scathing remarks which makes it worse for the woman in question. So this would be my approach if it was me.

Please ignore the mistakes in this update, I had no time to even proofread it.

She really did not want a baby now.

A hard pill to swallow but Ashwin was determined that it was her decision to make.

They stayed quiet, their heartbeats suddenly loud and noticeable in the silence prevailing in the room.

Their hearts felt like they were literally pounding, each for it's own reason. The deafening silence was broken by the sound of his phone vibrating. Ashwin tried to ignore it but when it continuously vibrated, his face showed displeasure at being disturbed while he picked the phone, ready to show his annoyance at whoever it was on the other end.

A: HELLO!

He barked into the phone.

Tanu: AK! Are you ok?

A: Tanu?

T: What time are you guys coming? Do you still want to go out or just stay at home? How is she feeling?

Ashwin signalled at Sivaangi to move and got out of the bed, walked to the balcony and shut the door behind him. She watched him walk away, now standing outside with his back facing her and just like that, she felt hot tears running down her face. She assumed the worst.

He hates me! What have I done!

A: Tanu..

T: Are you okay? You don't sound alright. Is Sivaangi fine? Is the baby okay?

A: She doesn't want the baby.

T: WHAT!

Ashwin stayed silent, staring into the skies. The warm, orange tinge of the tranquil evening skies that usually makes him happy failed to lift his spirits.

He felt soaked to the skin with such intense emotions.

Martin: AK?

Silence.

M: Ashwin!!! Are you there? Can you hear me?

A: Yes.

M: Listen, just don't do anything now that you would regret later. Stay with her. We will be there in about an hour.

What now? What do I tell her? Let us abort our baby? Is that what she wants? Yes, of course, she has forever discussed about not wanting any children yet. So, this definitely is a mistake isn't it?

She is more important than the baby so if that is going to make her feel better, then that is the only solution. Do I have it in me to never blame her or bring this up in the future?  It will crush her if I ever did that to her.

He had too many painful thoughts in his head that he was starting to feel empty. A sense of nothingness.

Numbness.

Why am I feeling indifferent?

Indifference is heading into a dangerous territory in a relationship. He knew he had to forget the pain and not numb it.

Our relationship is stronger than this. I have to do this for her. For us.

He huffed to exhale the intensity of emotions in his heart and walked back in to find her missing from the room. He frantically knocked at the bathroom door and when she opened the door, he found her looking weak with puffy eyes and red blotchy skin. He hugged her without saying anything. It made her clutch his tshirt and sob into his chest.

Neither of them spoke but Ashwin could feel his cheeks wet too. Words failed but their tears spoke volumes.

There was so much of unexplained love. From both of them.

He wanted nothing but her happiness, if a baby is going to ruin her peace, it is not a necessity. Atleast not at this point. It will sound like a very immature decision to everyone around but Ashwin knew why he had decided to go with her decision.

He will support her through this. Anything to make her happy.

Sivaangi was napping when the couple arrived. Ashwin looked haggard as he talked about their decision.

A: Ippo engalluku intha baby vendam.

T: What nonsense! You are emotional right now, so you are making an irrational decision.

A: Isn't that better than insensitivity?

T: AK, please konjam purinjika try pannu. Naan pesaren ava kita.

A: Illa, avala force panna vendam.

T: These impulsive decisions makes me wonder what kind of parents you two would be.

A: Tanu, stop judging us.

T: I am not! Ithu unga baby, ivlo easy ah eppadi vida mudiyum?

A: Enga baby than, aana ennaku en Sivaangi than mukiyam. Oru 2 years minnadi onnume illa en life la. Actual ah life eh illa. Appo oru magic maara vanthu ennoda life ah complete change pannuna intha ponnu. Avalukkaga naan..

T: FFS! She is going through antenatal depression. If you support her decision now, she will hate herself in the future and there is a good chance she will hate you for not making her understand.

A: But she is clearly disturbed now. I see how she has been dreading this whole pregnancy right from day one. I have no intention to force a pregnancy on her. Yes, it hurts me to lose my child but do you know what is to be taken into account now? Her sanity!

Do you think I haven't done my research on prenatal depression? She has been forcing herself to be happy but she is actually not. In fact, I should have given her this choice when we found out about the pregnancy. I feel selfish when I look back at having ignored the apprehension in her. I have been a fool to assume that she will get over it once the baby arrived.

T: Stop being hard on yourself. Can you just give me a chance to speak with her?

M: AK, Tanu will talk to Sivaangi just to understand her point. No brainwashing, I promise.

A: Okay, I am warning you, I won't forgive you if you do anything to upset her.

M: AK, Sivaangi is family to us. We are not here to bash her or judge you two.

A: Alright. You talk to her when she wakes up. But please be careful with your choice of words.

As she sat at the dinner table, Sivaangi was worried about being judged. Ashwin instinctively held her free arm. She looked up to him and he smiled at her, assuring that everything will be okay. She was very emotional and knew she was going to cry any moment now. He kissed her cheek and whispered that he will stand by her no matter what she decides and that they will face all the criticism together.

T: Kuttyma, eppadi iruka?

Sivaangi stayed silent. She knew that Tanu was here to convince her to keep the baby.

T: Enkita open ah pesu da. I am not here to change your decision. As a sister, I am here to talk to you and understand your feelings. I have had three pregnancies. I have two kids now but I lost one which was tragic. So as a woman whose body has been through all the changes, I think I can understand you better than Ashwin.

S: Ennaku enna solarathunu therila chechi.

T: You don't want the baby? You are not the first woman to feel that way.

There is a very thin line of difference between the symptoms of pregnancies and antenatal depression. What is commonly classified as morning sickness can be termed as anxiety too. 

When Ashwin clearly seemed to be over the moon about the whole idea of welcoming their child into the world, it was a desperate plea for a solution for Sivaangi to say no to the baby.

T: Are you scared?

S: Yes and no. I feel miserable about this whole pregnancy.

T: It is very common to feel anxious and vulnerable when pregnant.

S: It is not just that. I already feel guilty to say this. I don't think I am prepared to be a mother!

And truth is I want more alone time with Ashwin. I want him all to myself.

Tanu held Sivaangi's hands in hers.

T: You will never be fully prepared. You will learn as you go. Also, Ashwin isn't going anywhere.

Listen, this is a very emotional journey. I just want you to give it a thought. When we were pregnant with our first child, we were so elated but unfortunately we lost the child at 22 weeks. We were both devastated after the traumatic incident and losing a child at 22 weeks is very disturbing after having made a connection with the baby. It took us 4 long years to get pregnant again.

I am a mother now but makes me wonder what we would have gone through if I couldn't conceive after that. It is like two sides of a coin. Pregnancies are difficult but it is a lot more difficult  if you don't get pregnant. 

Ithellam unna convince pannanumno illa bayapaduthanumno sollala, nee mathavanga life la irukarathaiyum therinjuku. Athu namma life layum nadaka chance iruku.

S: Ennaku bayama iruku. Naan Ashwin ah nalla pathukaren, athu avara yaarum ethuvum kashta padutha kudaathunu oru protective feeling. Aana naan amma aagurathuku atha oru reason ah vachu thakuthi paduthika mudiyathu. Avaru than innum ella velayum parkaraaru intha veetla. He takes care of me, my career, the house, finances, his needs, his career, literally everything. I am like his child. How will I take care of another child when I am like this? Irresponsible, unorganised and clueless!

T: Sivaangi, your maternal instincts will kick in as soon as you become a mum. You don't have to be domesticated to be a mum.

S: Hmm.

T: Something else bothering you?

Sivaangi's silence was answer to Tanu's question. Her despondent eyes was proof enough that there was more to it.

T: Sollu da.

Sivaangi took a deep breath and exhaled loudly.

S: Chechi, ethuvume pudikala. Ennaku enna paathave pudikala. 

Enna paartha antha Charlie and the chocolate factory movie la vara blueberry girl maathri iruken la. Verum 14 weeks than aaguthu aana ippove ivlo gundah iruken, 40 weeks la roll aagara size la irupen la? Ashwin pakathula oru kutty round pot maathri theriyaren. 

Thookame illa, en kanna paarunga. Racoon maathri iruken. En double chin. Oru photo la kuda hide panna mudila. Chumma ve, kutty thoppa irukum, ippo football maathri iruku en tummy. Avaru mattum yen ippadi azhaga irukaaru naan yen ivlo kevalama iruken? I will no longer be this cute girl, he won't find me attractive, will he?

Aama, baby porakurapo 3 kilo thana irkum, naan ippove  6 kilos gain panniten, 40 weeks la atleast oru 15 kilos gain panirupen. Appo antha meethi weight eppadi loose pannuven? Nenachave bayam ah iruku. Mudhala, naan yen 15 kilos gain pannanum oru 3 kilo baby ku? 

Tanu clammed up her mouth to stop herself from saying anything that would put her off now.

S: Pasikuthu aana sapitathuku apparam nausea. 12 weeks la nausea poirukanumla? Yen innum ippadi iruku?  

Ennoda baby ithu appadinu en heart kita solli, saripaduthi happy aaga try panaren. Aana adutha second azhuga varuthu. Etha paarthaalum azghuga than varuthu. Eppo paathalum low ah iruku. Ashwin en kuda illati, innum lonely ah iruku, bayama iruku. 

And I know that I pick a fight with Ashwin for no reason. He is going to hate me soon. Or maybe he already hates me? That is probably why he made me pregnant. To see me suffer like this.

Tanu quietly listened to her vent out all of her frustrations and problems. Her fluctuating hormones contributing to her mood swings and crying spell was very obvious now.

S: Ennaku yen ethuvume nyabagam iruka maatenguthu? Naan google panni parthan. Pregnancy causes memory loss. Ithu than baby brain syndrome ah? The other day, I went to the recording in my PJs and indoor slippers, athuvum mismatched slippers. Worse, I was wearing his tshirt. People would have laughed at me and made fun of me right? 

Sometimes I stand there forgetting what I have forgotten! 

She started a fresh bout of crying. Tanu hugged her and rubbed her back.

S: Ennaku intha baby vendam. Ashwin must hate me right now. Will he leave me if I don't want this baby?

T: Stop being silly.

S: I know. He will love the baby more than me. He already does right? That is why he wants the baby even if I am struggling. The baby will be the centre of his universe right?

She was inconsolable and so Tanu let her take all the time to calm herself.

S: And if I have all these negative feelings, how will the baby be healthy? I am sure that something is wrong with me and the baby. 

Even if everything is okay, what if I bring my child into this world and not take good care of the baby? What if I hate my own child?

More crying! Literally sobbing. Tanu herself was confused at this point if Ashwin could make her feel better or if they should go with Sivaangi's decision to terminate the pregnancy.

T: Kuttyma, look at me. Ashwin is never going to leave your side. I can see that all he wants is your happiness. He would do anything to make you feel good. And he would choose you over the baby. Any day! You are the centre of his universe. Now and forever. Now stop crying. I am going to go and ask Ashwin to come. You two need to speak and make a decision now.

You come first for all of us, especially Ashwin. But please calm down and think about the little life that is part of your husband in you.

A: This one time, she made me feel guilty and so I baked a chocolate cake to satisfy her sweet tooth. She ate the whole cake and complained that not only did I get her pregnant and fat, but that I was planning on making her diabetic with all the baking. 

It was so hard to hold back his laughter while listening to Ashwin describing her pregnancy hormones and what it has done to him. Inspite of the gravity of the situation, Martin was having a ball. It is fun to listen to another man going through this.

A: She kicked me out of bed the other night because she couldn't sleep on her back. I went to sleep on the couch but I was dragged back into the bed because she found it weird that it was too quiet without me tossing and turning on the bed. 

Ashwin facepalmed himself as he was accused the night before of wrecking her sleep with all the tossing and turning!

A: Every trip to the toilet is followed by me getting an earful for being the reason for her being in this situation.

Tell me. If your wife sat there crying about not wanting to be touched because she feels too hot and specifically says that she doesn't want anything other than the maternity pillow next to her, what would you do?

Martin smirked at him. There is no answer to this question. 

M: Stay away from her, maybe?

A: I did just that. Turned the other way so I won't disturb her. Took her a few seconds to have a meltdown about how I don't even like the sight of her and that I don't touch her or look at her with love anymore. 

M: Pregnant women can make you feel like you will end up in a mental asylum soon.

Ashwin shook his head as he remembered all the things that has happened in the last 3 months.

A: As much as I love the attention I get when she is in one of those moods, it also confuses me. Looping a hand around her waist in my sleep annoys her that she screams at me and pushes me away. You have to listen to the edge in her voice, makes you think that it is going to be the end of you!

Then, a few minutes later, she jumps on me like a lioness. Secretly, I love how she desires me more than before. The evil husband in me wants to keep her pregnant the rest of her life just to enjoy this.

M: Been there! Done that!

Ashwin was lost in thoughts while Martin sipped on his drink. He couldn't help but remember how she looked a possessed woman previous night, as she ripped his shirt open, letting the buttons scatter on the floor. He had just walked in and she launched herself on him.

S: I have been craving for you all day. Couldn't stop thinking of you!

Ashwin was completely turned on by her primal urge to own him. Even though she refused to believe him, he never stopped telling her how freaking gorgeous she looked with her swelling belly and breasts. 

After a long pleasurable night, she sat up suddenly and started crying about her wanton behaviour towards her husband, he found her incredibly cute making him pull her into his arms to whisper sweet nothings in her ears. He tried his best to tell her how he loved every inch of her.

A: If my baby in your tummy can make you glow like this, I could  fill you with more for the rest of our lives.

S: I am not glowing. And I definitely don't want anymore. 

Wait, so you did not find me attractive before you got me pregnant?

A: Pregnant or not, I am addicted to you. Actually obsessed!

Sivaangi was feeling self conscious.

A: Don't you feel it, my love? Life is beautiful. The baby we made, in intimacy, sheltered in your body.

Sivaangi had mixed emotions. She nodded her head while escaping to word her answer. Little did he know that all of this was increasing her sense of insecurity. She thought the baby brought more happiness in his life than her, that the baby held more significance in his life than  her.

Ashwin looked at the picture of his pregnant wife on his phone's wallpaper.

A: Isn't she glowing? Those flushed cheeks and radiant skin. How can I make her believe that she is still exquisite even when pregnant?!

Her body is beautifully different now that she is growing a life inside her.

Martin nodded his head in agreement.

A: How do I explain to her that these changes are needed to bring a beautiful little human into the world? It a powerful feeling that we men aren't blessed to witness. 

M: That is so true! It is a very strong emotion that we will never get to understand.

A: Martin, why would she feel depressed? Am I not being a good husband? I thought we had a happy home. Her reaction towards the pregnancy makes me wonder if she feels sick in this environment.

M: It has nothing to do with you. Some women go through this. Tanu had a happy pregnancy more because we were looking forward to becoming parents after a long wait. But I have seen my sister struggle with anxiety and stress during her second pregnancy.

A: I have done enough reading and research on all of this. I don't want to sabotage her mental health for this. We are young and we can always plan for a child in the future. And worst case scenario, if we can't, it is still fine. I will be with her no matter what. 

I don't want her to hate the child every time she looks at him/her in the future. It is bad for her and our child. Nothing can repair that kind of damage. I read some really disturbing stories of mothers who had a child out of no choice and regretted their decision. I don't want it for my Sivaangi. 

Tanu walked in and told Ashwin all about her conversation with Sivaangi.

T: I think she might have changed her mind having had an open conversation with me. But the ball is in your court. Go and make your decision with your wife.

A: Thank you.

Ashwin walked into their room to find the light of his life standing near the window watching the night rain.

A: Sivaangi?

S: Ennaku night la rain paakarathu romba pudikum.

A: Theriyum maa ennaku.

S: Oru drive polama?

A: Ipoova?

S: Mudiyaatha?

A: Illa, vaa polam.

S: Athuku minnadi enna pesa vanthanu solla maataya?

Ashwin felt a combination of relief and nervousness in his heart. 

A: I know you have made a decision already. I will stand by you.

S: I know you will. Always.

Ashwin was surprised at her calm tone.

A: Do you love me?

S: I trust you.

Sorry for keeping you all hanging in mid air with this chapter's ending. Fill it in with what feels right in your heart and mind! xx

Good? Bad? Okay?